Lack of emotion towards friends and family and general emotional flatline

[lman_15]

I am coming up on 2 years clean from an opiate addiction in January and recently have felt an emotional flatline. I will spend time with family and friends and feel very disconnected emotionally from them. This will usually lead me to get in my head and just think about other things and things I am more "interested" in than the current human interaction that I'm having. The only time I really "feel good" is when I train at the gym and especially when I get to spar (fight other people). I feel like in order to "feel" I have to experience extreme levels of things (i.e. train for 2+ hours at the gym, spar at the gym, etc.). This came over me around two weeks ago and just sort of sticked. I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this? I find most of my day is spent looking forward to going to the gym or thinking about the next time I get to fight. The only other things that really brighten my mood is stand up comedy and eating crappy food (which I try not to do so mainly the comedy part).

 

[edgewise1]

I like to experience the crappy food part, does that count? ;-)

 

[Erikmen]

It´s seems very difficult to have already reached what you´ve accomplished.
I still can´t imagine myself going to gym and doing all the things you are doing.
Being sober is so hard, and yet you´ve gone a little further than most of those who try.

 

[neversickanymore]

Exercise can be pretty addicting. Boxing probably even more as there is the added rush of combat. Some of what you describe hints at an exercise addiction.
Exercise addiction ruined my life

I feel like in order to "feel" I have to experience extreme levels of things (i.e. train for 2+ hours at the gym, spar at the gym, etc.).

The idea of needing something to feal alive

The only time I really "feel good" is when I train at the gym and especially when I get to spar (fight other people).

needing something to feal good

I find most of my day is spent looking forward to going to the gym or thinking about the next time I get to fight.

I bet that in opiate addiction allot of your day was looking forward to use, or thinking about the next time you could use.

I will spend time with family and friends and feel very disconnected emotionally from them.

Signs or begining of isolation so tied with addiction?

recently have felt an emotional flatline.

signs and symptoms of addiction

-Distortions in a person’s connection with self, with others
-Craving; or increased “hunger” for drugs or rewarding experiences;
-A dysfunctional Emotional response.
-Excessive use and/or engagement in addictive behaviors, at higher frequencies and/or quantities than the person intended, often associated with a persistent desire
-A narrowing of the behavioral repertoire focusing on rewards that are part of addiction
-Preoccupation with substance use or behavior;
-Altered evaluations of the relative benefits and detriments associated with drugs or rewarding behaviors; and
-Difficulty in identifying feelings

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/672623-Addiction-Guide

Thought I would throw this out for your consideration.

 

[lman_15]

neversickanymore you could be onto something although I would hate to think I beat the opiate addiction just to replace it with something else. If this is the case is there anything I can do to counter it/prevent it from becoming severe?

However, I did have a similar thing happen between a year to a year and a half sober. I had to workout very intensely to feel good (just as I do now) however at the time I was also seeing this girl and I had to fuck her very intensely to get off, ass slapping, hair pulling, fucking her really hard, and for quite some time. If I tried to fuck her slow or all romantic I just couldn't cum or would be turned off all together. Then I had other behaviours were I would engage in illegal activities for the "rush". Once again this was during a time I was plagued with a "flatline" feeling and the above behaviours were the only things that made me feel "good", "happy" or "alive" so I tried to engage in them frequently.

Now I don't have a girl to fuck and I try not to engage in illegal behaviours (I've been putting a big effort into this). So I guess my other modes of "feeling" have been taken away so I'm left with exercise.

 

[neversickanymore]

It really does sound like a adrenalin addiction. Im a free skier that sksi very difficult runs and used to huck myself off pretty big drops, I was a big mountain snowmobile, white water kayaker, have jumped out of planes, have ridden enduros and motorcycles in some amazing places like moab, and liked the rush of illegal activities though I did not participate in criminal behavior just the drug shit, jumped off cliffs into water, scuba diver with many hundreds of dives.. so I get where your coming from for sure.

I would try and take up a few more adrenalin producing activities to avoid being so fixated on one. I would also try and develop, promote, and value a sense of balance in your life. Find and develop some interests and activities that are not crazy.

I like to balance all my adrenal activity with cultivating a strong relationship with my son through interaction and teaching, travel, academics, research, and learning, enjoying and creating art, attending and listening to music, cooking dope ass food, , meditation, exercise, family, helping others, volunteering, activism, sports like tennis and golf, writing, Bluelight, being a fan of my NFL team, a little gambling (I keep a close eye on that one), gardening, fishing, sex, dropped off with the girl I was seeing but when i run into another one then relationship stuff, weightlifting, movies and film, my profession when i finally get back to it.. etc etc.

I think its all about identifying a whole bunch of stuff we love. Then its about valuing the different experiences, enjoyment, and benefit we get from areas individually. Its about realizing that variety is really the spice of life, that we need not always be doing the things we love most, about looking for, finding, and allowing ourselves to enjoy different experiences in life. Then we need to consciously maintain a balance between them all. Sorta keep moving forward on all aspects in our lives instead of becoming so fixated on one we are really digging. So I like to have a whole bunch of varied awesome shit going on in my life all the time and then I really consciously work at enriching and partaking in all those aspects. I also have identified and appreciate the different benefits and pleasures I get from them all and I remeber to enjoy them.

NSFW:

 

[Smoky]

With addiction there is loss, with loss ...comes grief and with part of grief comes emotional numbness. For me this is the biggest one. Of course paws has something to do with this, and varies in length with each individual. Different psychological conditions or reactions to certain events (traumas), can also… cause emotional numbness. Relationships can cause emotional arousal or more numbness. Most will represent a familiarity with previous relationship in one way or another. I would say, grounding oneself, getting into the body and feeling one's feelings (and there are techniques to do this like grief work), + exercise to release endorphins… So one doesn't rely always on adrenaline to feel. It's indeed healthy in moderation..

For me often I just can't feel anything… Mostly because I always knew how to control my feelings with Heroin. Yet, It was also a coping mechanism for a long time… growing up around a lot of abuse between my parental units. So in present high emotional situations, I can just shut off. It's automatic. Triggers, or certain events in recovery for me can cause me to shut down due to emotional override. I can also become addicted to excitement.. fear. living on the edge. This gives me a rush to knock me out of the the numbness. I would say it's healthy somewhat, unless I stop doing other things in life. I was an adrenaline junky for years, jumping out of planes (skydiving), slalom skiing, jumping bikes. I guess 'balance' is key…. and feeling our feelings.
My feelings don't come often so it's important to accept them invite them in, verses feeling nothing…

Over nothingness and grief I'll take grief
(heard that somewhere).

 

[Erikmen]

Only the thought of doing gym at any level gives me the great lethargy and the wish to go back to bed.
I managed to sober up, but lack exercises, hate social gatherings and sometimes just wanna be laid down forever.
Work helps, but that´s because I need to go. I often fantasize being retired and basically waiting to dye of boredom.
This is extremely tiring and stays around like a glue in my mind. This is consuming my life even more than opiates did.
Sometimes I can´t help thinking how happy I was when I was high, either due to the necessity of having to kill my pains or just because I needed more. I´m not happy now and don´t fancy being happy at all. I think I´ve lost my energy and haven´t found it ever again..

 

[Bamagirl88]

I can't share the gym experience but I do share the emotional flat line feelings. Nothing feels good anymore, nothing feels sad anymore. I just feel flat. I have been known to say I feel like a flat piece of paper. When I got clean two years ago all my support people, doctors, sponsors said my feelings would come back to normal. They never did. I Know what to think or try. I hardly laugh or feel. I don't feel sexy or pretty.

tried anti depression meds and that didn't work. Have I kessed up my brain from all the drugs it quit feeling?

 

[Smoky]

I read the above posts am relating more. My flatline stuff, even though I do grief work, is my inability to visualize any sort of a future. I've heard depression is inability to construct a future. I feel like I'm selling myself short.. I,m way past being legal but not old enough to be a grandma and time is going by quickly. I had to leave one job cos one arm doesn't work and my pain keeps me back from moving forward. I have spinal injuries, and was so so active early on and walk everyday now avidly … and eat right, make myself work and do things so I don't evaporate or just disappear into thin air. I sometimes picture myself just lying in bed and never being able to get out… I am so relieved I'm off heroin, and don't intend to do more… but… can't find the intrinsic motivation I once had. Doing my best to talk about it, post herein … stay positive and I do have my 'up' days … and know when I had 8 years I was happy, content and.. and looked forward to life. I worked in behavioral health for a bit, so have the tools, but still?

I was coming off mostly amphetamines then, first time I got clean, and cocaine/crack with opiates here and there and benzos, poly substance. Guess my fear, even though I know what to do and did it before, is it going to be hell with opiates? Will I not feel like myself for a few years cos of this drug? I have to let go of the idea that I am going to be suddenly back to feeling like I was when I had long term sobriety.

I despise the gym but maybe that's what I need to do, I like to walk outside, but maybe getting on an exercise bike would be helpful. Get the chi flowing, stagnation out of my bones. 8(
Today is just today and yesterday was good, and tomorrow is on it's way…

 

[Erikmen]

"… but… can't find the intrinsic motivation I once had. Doing my best to talk about it, post herein … stay positive and I do have my 'up' days … and know when I had 8 years I was happy, content and.. and looked forward to life. I worked in behavioral health for a bit, so have the tools, but still?"

Exactly! That´s where I am right now. Well, I´d say a little worse, as I don´t get enough energy to go to the gym, like Bumagirl88 says she probably could have.
So simple and yet - for me - such a challenge.
You know what gives me energy?!
Thoughts about oxys, dillies, and h., and its familiar warmth full embrace that makes everything right & full of passion while it lasts.
However, when I phantasize about of course I have an unlimited access to whatever I wish.
Well back to the thread, total lack of emotions. What has happened to me and my emotions, I wonder?
According to a post written by Neversickanymore, earlier this week, this could be a sign of a relapse coming by, so I need to watch out!
Kindest regards to all

 

[Smoky]

^
Interesting Erik,

I think the thoughts in themselves might release endorphins.. or illusions about using. I have those too in the morning especially. Then my other voice comes in and calls me out on my irrational thinking. Maybe the illusion in itself is like a narcotic… touching my receptors through fantasy without the actually drug.

Neversick has some good points! My emotional intelligence isn't at it's best right now.

 

[lman_15]

Thanks for all the feedback, I obviously can't look internally and figure out what it is, however, I would like to think its some combination of an adrenaline addiction and maybe some very minor depression.

neversick I really liked this "I would try and take up a few more adrenalin producing activities to avoid being so fixated on one. I would also try and develop, promote, and value a sense of balance in your life. Find and develop some interests and activities that are not crazy."

I'm going to focus on this over the next few weeks and try to dive into some activities and try and find more passions maybe within music, comedy, etc. who knows where it'll go. But, I'm tired as hell, got barely any sleep last night and just worked 8 hours, so I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded, I'm glad I'm not the only one experiencing this it definitely makes me feel better, also all those who offered potential solutions thank you as well.