HI EVERYBODY! (Dr. Nick voice from the Simpsons)
Hey Pods No Mo! We are in exactly the same boat. I quit on New Years Day too, and still standing strong! You ask WHY you went back to the kratom? Because you (we) are addicts. I truly don't think our brains work like normal peeps. It's like, for whatever reason, we think we "need" something to feel better. For me, it's blocking out painful memories of life, and also quelling this kind of social anxiety I have. On kratom, or painkillers, I am Party Girl Extraordinaire of my friends. I seriously considered becoming a party planner or club promoter. I plan gatherings and get people from all walks of life together and make sure everybody is happy and having a great time. I am Miss Popular. I always make sure I look great even if it takes me hours to get ready. No one EVER knew I was on anything. They were like, but you're so happy and fun!...But off? I just want to stay home and I don't even want to answer my phone. I just cry my eyes out. Then again, that could be the good old PAWS, or really even still in detox mode. Or perhaps I am depressed. Who knows, it's weird. And yes you must definitely do it for YOU. Even the quitting smoking thing. Because if you quit for anybody besides yourself, you will still have that feeling of being deprived, although you know deep down it's a good thing you're doing. And that'll lead you back (that's my experience anyway).
Oh man, kicking at work, I knew that one well. I used to always kick at work since I worked a 9-5 Mon-Fri, it was inevitable for a painkiller addict like me. The worst was when I chose a Monday to stop taking roxies. I was constantly in the bathroom, sneezing my head off, eyes running, wanting to punch the next person who asked anything of me (and I was a "support person", that was my job, lol, how dare them). That lasted that day and I ran straight to my ex's house after work for more pills. Roxies and oxies are freaking AWFUL. I had a heavy hydrocodone/norco habit and ran out of pills before refill time, so my ex's girlfriend (which sadly she OD'ed and died like right after that) gave me some. I took a quarter of one and was so messed up I wondered if I was driving on the right side of the highway. Then the next day, I had to take 4 to just feel good, not messed up at all. Within days I was utterly, horribly hooked. Next time you hear a story about some person who shoots 40 roxies in their arm per day and you're like WTF?, just know it's really easy to get
that hooked within 1-2 months (I kid you not). I am so thankful I never got that far into it. Anyway, I am super grateful I am not working or in school this week. Then again, it can sometimes be a good distraction, to keep your mind off things. So how goes it?
When I was in detox, they told me that benzos make you hungry. Maybe it's true, who knows. My appetite's been good. In fact, I'm eating way more than normal now. Maybe it's a distraction. I'm eating semi-healthy stuff, chicken noodle soup, lots of fruit, cereal, and of course ice cream
It's really bizarre, but for me too, this time has been nowhere near as bad as the other times. It's still not fun, but it's not bad. Unfortunately I don't have insurance so I couldn't get any meds to help me. That may be a good thing. Ooh, I just remembered, I have one muscle relaxer left over from a back issue. Perhaps I will take it tonight.
My sleep's been pretty crappy, but nowhere near the other times, and certainly not as bad as kicking painkillers. I have always been lucky in regards to the RLS thing, never got it, even with mega "real painkiller" quits. Anyways, I've been going to bed about 1 or 2 AM after taking Benadryl, Tylenol PM, and other natural sleep aids. Melatonin never works for me, but I have valerian root and also some other combo sleep aid with skullcap, kava, some other stuff, and also sleepy vanilla tea. I know that's a bit excessive, but I gotta do what works for me. For some odd reason I always wake up at 5 or 6 am. I pop another Benadryl, then get maybe another hour of sleep. I'm tired, but it's nowhere near the 2-3 hours I normally get when quitting.
I've been having some sweats and chills, but it was actually worse when I was cutting down as opposed to now that I've completely stopped. So strange. I have some sneezing, runny eyes and nose, and tiredness, but nothing that awful. On day 2 I sold something on eBay and packaged it up, took it to the post office, and sang along with the radio and SMILED. That's NEVER happened on day 2.
I keep wondering myself why it hasn't been that bad for me this time. There are so many factors at play here.
For one, I REALLY wanted to quit. Not because I ran out, not because I couldn't afford it, not because people wanted me to, I did. I am keeping busy even if I am not doing anything crazy. I am keeping my thoughts on pleasant things. I've been reading these books that I really love, I've devoured 2 books in 3 days, and they're not like the horrible addiction and crazy books I normally read, they're just pleasant. They restore my faith in humanity (although they take place in Africa, perhaps I am travelling without getting on a plane
. I've been listening to a lot of music on my headphones on Pandora on my phone. If it's depressing or brings back bad memories, I skip it. I've even been singing along (sorry neighbors). I spent 45 minutes today doing my make-up, just to feel good and have something to concentrate on. Guys, maybe you can trim your 'stache, or whatever it is guys do to work on themselves. lol. I've been hanging with my ferrets. Just watching them act like psychos brings a smile to my face. Oh, and I absolutely LOVE Mystery Science Theater. There's tons of hilarious videos on youtube. I'm sure everyone can find something they like on there. I don't watch TV, so this is what I got. You could also watch your favorite comedy movie.
So besides the stuff I'm taking for sleep, I'm taking my cleanse for the smoking stuff. I am still smoking, but smoking less. I know smoking is bad, but I'm not worried about it right now. Tackling this is important. When I was on kratom, all the cleanse stuff made me sooo sleepy
. Since I am no longer, it seems to just help me be calm and that's it. I stopped having coffee, because I read it can make detox anxiety and jitters worse, and that's normally my worst symptom. I do allow myself a cup of tea. I did cave and get a small iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts today, and I did notice I felt a bit more agitated than usual. I'm drinking a bunch of water, I'm peeing constantly. Once a day, I put a tbsp of apple cider vinegar in the water, that aids in detox. I'm taking 4 loperamide tablets (Immodium) at a time every other day, although I haven't had the dreadful diarrhea. But I read somewhere that it is considered an opiate and can help. It does constipate ya though, which is why I'm not taking it daily. I do need to go eventually, lol. I take Advil for the aches and pains, and maybe just to "feel" like I'm taking a painkiller. Oh, and I've been taking multi-vitamins and fish oil, I heard that helps. And what I REALLY think it helping me above all (besides wanting to quit and staying positive)-EPSOM SALT BATHS! All of the dozens of times I quit, I never did this, although I did soak and take tons of hot showers, which made me feel human for about a half hour. There are some AMAZING things that epsom salts can do for the body. It can get magnesium into the body, which is generally lacking after taking any kind of opiate. The magnesium helps produce seratonin, which is crucial for mood. It lowers adrenaline and blood pressure (and anytime I stopped kratom or other painkillers my blood pressure was INSANE, I couldn't stop my pounding heart, none of that this time). It also gets rid of toxins in the body. I even made an exfoliant with it by mixing my face wash in it. I rub it on my face and feet. When I first get out of the soak and shower I actually feel worse for about 10 minutes, lots of sneezing and eyes running and hot and cold flashes. But within a half-hour I'm good as gold, feeling like a normal human. And it actually lasts for a few hours. Google "health benefits of epsom salts, there's way more benefits than I've mentioned.
Of course, the thought is still there. When I'm shivering or whatever I think, I think to myself, "I could go get more and make this stop". Then I tell myself, "Yep, I could, but I'm not. 2013 is my opiate-free year!" And then that's it. There are other thoughts too, like since this is fairly easy, I could go ahead and start again since stopping is no bigee. But I've made a commitment to myself.
Sheesh, sorry for the super long sermon. Can I get an amen?! Seriously, I'm just feeling so relieved this isn't too awful and I am so glad and thankful. Everyone can do this if they so choose, just do your research, and find what works for you. YOU CAN DO IT! (Rob Schneider voice) OK, I am
way too hyper, have a lovely night all
