Know

[bone$aW]

Know (new draft)

Know

I think I know the tug of the strings of heart (and that pull
towards divinity). It lives in every hormonal glance—-every
chemical laden erectional infatuation: the lust baby, the sweet musty
lust of the young and humming crotch. I think I might
know the body.

Watching the smart ones with their dark jeans and cool earthen
tones—-intelligent shoes and moonlit-dream breasts
(not unlike but nicer than those with the sharp blue in the eye,
jewels of ice below steel lashes, and below again: a
lack of upper lip hair).

For once-—may there be some sort of magic framed
in this repertoire of nihility, a place to kiss off irony?
Had a peeled-eyed vision of irrefutable meaning—-in a swirl
of propulsion, she danced by my side. A hand on her waist,
it was a figure 8 in my palm.


To toot my horn, I'm liking what I'm doing here, thanks a lot for the criticism--helps a lot.

First Draft:

Know

I know the tug of the strings of heart (and the pull
towards divinity). It lives in every hormonal
glance—every chemical laden erectional
infatuation: the lust baby, the sweet musty lust
of my young and humming crotch.

Watch the smart ones with their dark jeans and earthen
slips—intelligent shoes and dreamy breasts
(not unlike but nicer than those with their blue stares,
jewels of ice below impeccable lashes, below that: a
lack of upper lip hair).

For once, may there be some sort of magic framed
in this repertoire of nihility, a place to kiss off irony?
One peeled-eyed vision of irrefutable meaning: a swirl of
propulsion—she danced by my side. A hand on her waist,
a figure 8 in my palm.

 

[New]

Interesting...care to elaborate?

 

[bone$aW]

perhaps it is a pondering of the realism of 'love', the nature of the feminine, the desire to reach higher planes than realism and cold chemical knowledge....

 

[stonerfromohio]

Deep, mysterious piece very much enjoyed

 

[Papa1]

Know

I know the tug of the strings of heart (and the pull
towards divinity). It lives in every hormonal
glance—every chemical laden erectional
infatuation: the lust baby, the sweet musty lust
of my young and humming crotch.

Watch the smart ones with their dark jeans and earthen
slips—intelligent shoes and dreamy breasts
(not unlike but nicer than those with their blue stares,
jewels of ice below impeccable lashes, below that: a
lack of upper lip hair).

For once, may there be some sort of magic framed
in this repertoire of nihility, a place to kiss off irony?
One peeled-eyed vision of irrefutable meaning: a swirl of
propulsion—she danced by my side. A hand on her waist,
a figure 8 in my palm.

Lines that got me:
"my young and humming crotch"
"smart ones with their dark jeans"
"a swirl of propulsion"

Things that threw me off:
"pull towards divinity"
"erectional infatuation"
"repertoire of nihility"

It was good, I liked it, but it was hard to follow. The flow was off. Big ungainly words like erectional and nihility are like speed bumps. Give more to the reader, make it simpler but not dumber, give us more narrative.

 

[bone$aW]

Lines that got me:
"my young and humming crotch"
"smart ones with their dark jeans"
"a swirl of propulsion"

Things that threw me off:
"pull towards divinity"
"erectional infatuation"
"repertoire of nihility"

It was good, I liked it, but it was hard to follow. The flow was off. Big ungainly words like erectional and nihility are like speed bumps. Give more to the reader, make it simpler but not dumber, give us more narrative.

Very helpful, thank you for the criticism. I posted a new draft at the top; I wanted to work on the flow and put more of a narrative control in between the stanzas.

I think ungainly is sometimes subject to personal tastes, but I can see your point. To me, words like erectional and nihility are a pleasure to roll off the tongue, but I see how it could disrupt the flow and make it hard to follow.
Thanks again, this was a very helpful lesson.

 

[Papa1]

I think ungainly is sometimes subject to personal tastes, but I can see your point. To me, words like erectional and nihility are a pleasure to roll off the tongue, but I see how it could disrupt the flow and make it hard to follow.

I think I know what you mean. I get the same kind of criticism about erectional words. At first I thought it was quite strange, because those were exactly the words I liked the most in a piece - large original creative words that describe what I want in one go. Sounds great, right?

The problem is that the experience of the reader is different from the experience of the writer, and what's rewarding in your own writing can be frustrating in someone else's. To the reader they're unfamiliar and take time to digest, and because of this they seem overemphasized to the point of being distracting.

Take it with a grain of salt, but what I find works best in other people's pieces are short, simple, familiar words that carry maximum emotion. Your gently humming crotch and smart ones with dark jeans are great examples of this.

Of course I might just be full of it. But I do notice the same thing when people read my writing.

 

[Papa1]

Wow, and the edited poem sounds much better. Big improvement. I like the addition of hesitation to the voice: "I think I know the tug", "that pull towards divinity" (rather than "the pull), "I think I might know the body". For me at least, it makes it easier to accept. The first draft might've suffered from sounding cocky; adding the hesitation is a technique I never thought of. Good job.

Also the line breaks sound better. "Chemical laden infatuation" flows much easier than "chemical laden / infatuation".

The repetition of lust in the first paragraph threw me off, but that might just be me. Not a big deal. However the ending still seems too cryptic for my liking. I'm a sucker for things that come together in one nice last resolving line; would be nice to have a final line that informs the poem rather than adding to its cryptic nature.

Great improvement.