Exhausted Know what I need to do - just can't find the will

[BlueEyesBrown]

I cannot comprehend how I can choose to stay on a path that I KNOW only ends in one of two ways. In March I was released from prison and moved to a new state where I know no one and have no ties. I was able to get a job quickly in a metal fab shop. It didn't take too long before a guy there offered me some m-amp. I declined at first. About four months ago something really fucked up happened to me when I met someone. As a result of that event, I went to the guy and copped. For four months straight I've been using while on parole. I got a different job that offers the opportunity to build a career and not just make a living, yet I can't put this shit down. I spent ten years in prison this last time (one prior three year sentence). I know where this road leads. I've already fucked up at the new job-left my fucking microphone on during a zoom meeting and hit a hot rail. I don't know what it is with this one fucking drug. I've kicked heroin years ago, haven't drank any alcohol in easily fifteen years. I don't smoke. But I can't beat this. Maybe I've convinced myself it's impossible, I don't know. Things are going well enough that my use is manageable to some degree, at least financially it's sustainable. I think I'd just appreciate hearing some hope, a story or two of finding a way out when you believe with every ounce of your being you're meant to die from this. I don't know.

 

[paltatomate]

I wish I could tell you a story of hope that relates to what you're going through. But I can't because I haven't been there.
All I can do is send you my best wishes, and remind you that if you keep trying, you will probably find a way.
One thing you wrote made me think, though:

finding a way out when you believe with every ounce of your being you're meant to die from this.

You believe you're meant to die from it.
Maybe changing that belief could be a start.
Show the m-amp who's the boss!