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Know some JOKES?

SunSpot

SunSpot

Bluelighter
Joined
May 14, 2016
Messages
161
Location
The Desert
Ok I'll admit I'm feeling pretty down atm. Not cool! At the risk of being that annoying always pretend-happy chit at a funeral I'm gonna tell a new joke I heard recently. Don't get me wrong; there's nothing funny being me right now. Or maybe there is?? I love this joke!!!

So this cop is sitting in his car by the side of the road, monitoring traffic. A sedan drives past with five old ladies inside, going super slow. 'They're dangerously slow!' he thinks and tails them. The ladies are going 22mph. He flashes them and they pull over. He walks up to the car, and notices that the old ladies all look white as ghosts and are shaking. "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?" "No officer, wasn't I going exactly the speed limit?" "Ma'am, how fast do you think you were going?" "Exactly 22 miles-per-hour. Like on the speed limit sign" answers the old lady. The officer smiles, says: "Ma'am, that's the Route Number. That's not the speed limit. But don't worry, this is just a warning." The officer looks again inside the car at the white and shaking ladies, and feels he should ask what's going on. "Another thing Ma'am, why is everyone in the car looking so white and shaken?" "Oh, they'll be alright in a bit. We just came from Route 147." =D=D=D

Ok my mind just wandered to whole bunch of NSFW stuff, but here's another one I always remember that's so stupid it hurts:

What does the fish say when it swims against a wall?? Dam! Or why do seagulls fly the by the sea? If they flew by the bay they'd be bay-gulls... Or what did the beach say? Nothing, it just waved .. Darn I'm stuck on ocean jokes now .. Why did the octopus cross the road? To get to the other tide! Arrgghh I shouldn't have learned all those jokes, help me!! What did the mermaid wear to math class? Her algae-bra .. Ok i'll just STOP now .. Before I get into the hedgehog and bear jokes .. there'd be no stopping me;-) You go!


Ok maybe one more this one is just too evil;) I mean this in good clean fun please don't flag!

....So in the forest everything is as usual. The bear, big and strong, is chasing his arch-enemy, the hedgehog. But this day it's been too much, and a fairy appears to them both. "I'm so sick of you always chasing that hedgehog through the forest!" she squeakes at them. "And you, always annoying bear! But today is your lucky day, if you will just stop with the fighting I will give each of you three wishes." "OK" grunts the bear, "but I go first." The hedgehog agrees. "Ok ... Ok. I wish that all the female bears in the forest would think I'm the most handsome bear, the strongest, that they'll all come to me and fulfill my every wish." grumbles bear. "It's done." says the fairy, and waves her wand. The hedgehog goes next. "I want to have a motorcycle, the best motorcycle there is, custom built for me. It must never run out of fuel and never drop me off no matter where i drive." It's done" says the fairy, and a beautiful bike appears right there in the forest. The hedgehog walks up to it, and the bear marvels to himself 'so she is really granting wishes .. I gotta think bigger!!'. The bear goes with his second wish: "I wish that all the female bears in the country, yes the whole country are in love with me. All of them!" "It's done." says the fairy. "..And I wish for the best motorcycle equipment, custom fit for me. It must be super comfy, never get dirty, look really good and last forever." "Done." says fairy, and the hedgehog starts pulling on the beautiful gear. 'Stupid hedgehog' thinks bear 'why would he want a bike. What's more important than women?? What a wuss.' "Ok yeah, I wish that all the female bears are in love with me, all of them all over the world. Just me, Bear." "It's Done. Hedgehog, what's your last wish?" "I wish the bear was gay!" squeaks the hedgehog, jumps on his bike and drives away ...
 
Sitting at home sick sucks. Oh well I have a few more:)

..so two Great Whites are cruising through the ocean when one of them sees a windsurfer. "Look at that!" he marvels in joy, "Humans are awesome! Now they're serving themselves on a plate with a napkin.."

I gotta get off the ocean jokes.. Ok, so there are three mathematicians and three engineers traveling to a conference by train. The three mathematicians walk up the counter and each buy a ticket. Then they watch the engineers go the counter but only buy one ticket. "These guys are in so much trouble" they think gleefully. WHen the inspector comes, the engineers all cram into a bathroom stall. "Let me see your tickets." says the inspector and stamps the mathematician's tickets. "Ticket please" he then says as he knocks on the bathroom stall. A single ticket slides out and he stamps it. After the conference, the mathematicians have wised up, and they buy a single ticket. The engineers buy none. "OK this time they're really in trouble." they think. "Inspector's coming they hear someone saying on the train, and they all cram into the bathroom cubicle. "Ticket please" tones a deep voice, they slide it out and it's gone ..
 
Sure, wanna hear one i made up myself? .. So two office workers were sitting in their cubicles when one says: "wow it's so busy today" says the other: "i know i can't sleep either.."

This one is cute: a little girl says: "mommy would you like an ice cream?" "no thanks, honey." "ok now you ask me!"
 
Too funny! It's great your using humour to try to get through this difficult time. I just woke up - I can't think of any decent jokes right now. If I come up with something later I will post.
 
Pls do! Got another one that happens to sum up my attitude toward the herb:

So these two stoners are sitting on their veranda watching the city scape when one takes out some herb. "Duude, we gotta try this new stuff. Supposed to be da bomb." so they take a toke and a huge ball off fire shoots across the sky. "Whooaa did you see that??" "totally!!" "let's do it again". Another toke and another ball of fire shoots across the sky. And again they toke, and a third ball of fire streaks across the heavens. Then one says: "gotta skidaddle for a sec" and goes inside, sees his girl friend and tells her he's really thirsty. "No wonder!" she snaps, "you two have been sitting out there for three days staring at the sun!"

Or how does a blonde catch a fly? Chases it in the attic and pulls away the ladder .. How do you recognize a friendly biker? By the flies in his teeth. Waiter waiter there's a fly on my soup! No worries sir that's what the spider on your spoon is for .. What goes 'mus mus'? Fly flying backwards .. What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk .. Ok i just ran out of fly jokes, at least in English. Oh wait one tongue twister: when flighty flies fly flighty flies fly after.

Hah just remembered the one with the Hunter the woman and the fly, but it's too racy.

Oohh i have another kind of evil one .. This one is not for the very Religeous!

So this priest is on a mission in Africa when he gets surrounded by a pack of hungry lions. Fearing for his life he prays "dear Lord, i pray make these lions Christian.." and lo and behold a light shines from heaven, bathing the lions in heavenly radiance. Then the priest hears the lions speak "Dear Lord we thank you for the meal we are about to receive .."

There are seriously too many priest jokes! But this next one is just too true:
..why is a company like a tree full of monkeys? Those at the top look down and all they see is smiling faces. Those below look up and all they see is a**holes ..

Oh and here's one from when that idiot bush was still president (no offense intended;) .. What happens when bush goes to mexico? The IQ of both countries improves .. Ok that's really unfair to mexico, i know many smart folks from there and their food is awesome. Still while I'm on the subject what do you call a Mexican with a Rubber Toe? Roberto.. To be fair, what happened to the American who broke his arm? He went broke ..
 
So a lawyer didn't stop his car at the stop sign and got stopped by police. Lawyer then decided to be a smartass and started to argue about meaning of stopping completely and just slowing down enough. The cop gets eventually pissed and starts beating the lawyer with a baton and yells "Do you want me to stop or just slow down enough?".
 
Hey do you know the criminal's triathlon? Run to the public pool, go swimming and ride home on a bike .. Heard this one in europe.
 
What's the definition of disappointment?





When you run into a wall with a boner, and end up with a nosebleed

--------


A woman gets onto the bus with her baby. The bus driver says "ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says "You go on up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you!"
 
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Why was the condom flying around the room?
NSFW:
it was pissed off!


A young child asks his dad what the difference between reality and theory is. The father says "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with the mailman for a million dollars. So the child does and she says yes. The child tells his father that, then the father tells his son to go ask his sister the same question. So he does and this sister says "of course!!" The child goes back to the father and tells him that. So the father says "The difference between theory and reality is..."
NSFW:
In theory we are sitting on two million dollars, but in reality we are living with two whores.


ka zing!
 
You guys are really nsfw..

So this old farmer woman is on her deathbed, her concerned husband keeping watch. She wakes from a slumber and they talk. "Wife, we've been married for 55 years and raised six kids. It's clear you're going to meet the maker soon, isn't there anything you want to get off your chest?" she coughs, looks at him and rasps: "ok. Go ahead, i know what you're going to ask." "well, I've always wondered .. We have one red headed child. Who's is he?" "the red head, he's yours .."
 
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