Usually the mental addiction that makes most people with some clean time relapse. How long you been using how much each day? Just trying to let ya know drugs for coping with problems rarely works out, all it does is masks them from you, you'll eventually have to deal with them. Especially if something tragic happens after you've been using a while, I know that from experience.
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killing yourself vs hard drug addiction
- Thread starter falsifiedhypothesi
- Start date
Usually the mental addiction that makes most people with some clean time relapse. How long you been using how much each day? Just trying to let ya know drugs for coping with problems rarely works out, all it does is masks them from you, you'll eventually have to deal with them. Especially if something tragic happens after you've been using a while, I know that from experience.
nygiants1313
Bluelighter
I am also facing this dilemma at the moment. although been on suboxone for a few months while using sparingly, but making no progress because I go on hard binges of all different drugs in-between pay checks I have almost come to he conclusion that i'll die a drug addict within a year but at least it'll be a happy year and once I go I go.
but that's not thinking sane. and as one other bluelight member said to me that if you are still able to feel yourself stuck in the middle like that not knowing what road to choose then there is still some hope because that means that there is still at least a small part of of you that wants to make it out. whether it be 1% or 50 % its still something
in my case i'm thinking a nice binge with a hot shot to finish it off once I have literally nothing. but who knows man regardless I feel for you bro
nygiants1313
Bluelighter
its that which kills me. I force myself to live the normal life during the week, but then reward myself by using drugs hard Friday and Saturday and sunday, then feel like shit on Monday so take something Monday night and Tuesday. than I chill to Friday or sat again and then get lit up and the cycle continues.
the times I have worked a full week, and didn't use any drugs on the weekend, come Monday I wanted to blow my brains out. I could not imagine living like that for the next 40 years
Hemptress
Bluelighter
Get hardcore addicted, and you won't have to decide which is better--you can have both! Yay.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
One of the things that comes up for me over and over here on Bluelight is how many people feel that their lives are intolerable. The pain is real and the despair from the pain is even rational to a point. But what if you could feel differently in a different life? What would it take to have a different life? Say you are a person that is uncomfortable talking or even being around other people, uncomfortable to the point of wanting not to exist. Before non-existence I would try a Buddhist silent retreat. Maybe in fact silence is what you need but is being denied? Or say you are in pain because you keep seeking oblivion or numbness because the world just feels too sharp and terrible. Why not find softness in nature and figure out how to live there for a while? In other words, it seems to me that people struggle and struggle with the idea that they must change or die, all the while blinded to the many possibilities of changing their lives to better suit their true selves.
We all crave connection to others, intimacy, recognition within our species etc. but none of this can happen when you are divided from yourself. You need to find a place where you can be the most comfortable at any given stage of your life and then begin the work inside. Sometimes it means using a level of imagination that our culture effectively squashed way back in preschool--but I believe imagination is what really makes us human; it is our strength, what gives us both of those intangibles, hope and faith. Maybe it means leaving your family, leaving your country or just finding a new layer of society where you are. Whatever it takes, broaden your ideas of what is. There is always more--we just have a hard time seeing it when we get stuck.
I have always enjoyed your posts here on BL. I think that you will find your way beyond this place where your mind has you right now. My answer to your original question would be this: neither. Ask new questions, get different answers, create new possibilities. One of my friends is almost 70--she just recently told me that she is happier than she has ever been in her life. When I asked her why, she said without even trying she just let go of something that had plagued her all her life--her chorus of inner critics. It takes us so long to do this because there is a cultural machine out there that wants us to be dissatisfied with who and what we are--that keeps us vulnerable to everything from drugs to new toys to make us feel better. We don't dream up all this negativity ourselves. But internalizing one's culture is really nothing more than an agreement to do so, once you stop and look at it.
We all crave connection to others, intimacy, recognition within our species etc. but none of this can happen when you are divided from yourself. You need to find a place where you can be the most comfortable at any given stage of your life and then begin the work inside. Sometimes it means using a level of imagination that our culture effectively squashed way back in preschool--but I believe imagination is what really makes us human; it is our strength, what gives us both of those intangibles, hope and faith. Maybe it means leaving your family, leaving your country or just finding a new layer of society where you are. Whatever it takes, broaden your ideas of what is. There is always more--we just have a hard time seeing it when we get stuck.
I have always enjoyed your posts here on BL. I think that you will find your way beyond this place where your mind has you right now. My answer to your original question would be this: neither. Ask new questions, get different answers, create new possibilities. One of my friends is almost 70--she just recently told me that she is happier than she has ever been in her life. When I asked her why, she said without even trying she just let go of something that had plagued her all her life--her chorus of inner critics. It takes us so long to do this because there is a cultural machine out there that wants us to be dissatisfied with who and what we are--that keeps us vulnerable to everything from drugs to new toys to make us feel better. We don't dream up all this negativity ourselves. But internalizing one's culture is really nothing more than an agreement to do so, once you stop and look at it.
WantToBeReborn
Bluelighter
How very, very insightful. There is real power in the freedom to be yourself. We are conditioned by society to compete, to judge and to engage in material pursuits and try to heal the sickness of the psyche. Letting go of operating from the ego and learning to operate from the soul is life changing.
falsifiedhypothesi
Bluelight Crew
Sorry I didn't read your post earlier herbavore, I wanted to put this thread out of my mind and try to forget that I made it. I was contemplating deleting it.
I don't speak much, thus I have too much time to think. the only thing I really enjoy about myself is my rational thought process. I think most people operate primarily using emotions, i enjoy rationally tearing things apart too much to give it up for a normal emotional response, if i am even capable of that.
I wish I could just remove societal norms and expectations but I have to live with them just like anyone else. I don't entirely enjoy separating myself from my emotions, for the most part it has caused me a lot of pain and regret due to many failed relationships. I let drugs create my emotions because my emotions seem artificial to me anyway. I also despise any kind of sympathy directed towards me, I feel I should be better then this.
This probably sounds totally off the wall batshit and I'll most likely delete it later.
I don't speak much, thus I have too much time to think. the only thing I really enjoy about myself is my rational thought process. I think most people operate primarily using emotions, i enjoy rationally tearing things apart too much to give it up for a normal emotional response, if i am even capable of that.
I wish I could just remove societal norms and expectations but I have to live with them just like anyone else. I don't entirely enjoy separating myself from my emotions, for the most part it has caused me a lot of pain and regret due to many failed relationships. I let drugs create my emotions because my emotions seem artificial to me anyway. I also despise any kind of sympathy directed towards me, I feel I should be better then this.
This probably sounds totally off the wall batshit and I'll most likely delete it later.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Nah, don't delete it--I love thinking about this stuff myself. And you never know, maybe something you said will start a great dialogue in another person's head!
P.S. (of course you can delete it, though--totally up to you.
)
P.S. (of course you can delete it, though--totally up to you.
)
ksralyv2mch
Bluelighter
I'd totally kill myself if I knew it wouldn't kill my Father. Once he's gone tho, IDK.. I'll probably be right behind him. I get no joy out of anything in life anymore except shooting heroin and it just is become harder and harder to buy (no job.. sold everything I own) so I use to turn off the world and take a vacation from life for a bit... but I wouldn't mind dying, my future is bleak and lonely and I'm pathetic and just can't stay clean
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Relapsing over and over really takes a toll on your faith in yourself, but I have heard too many stories of people overcoming even 25 year long heroin addiction to believe that there is ever a truly hopeless case. I hope that you can find some peace, ksralyv2mch, I really do.
ksralyv2mch
Bluelighter
I believe peace will come when life is over... cause all I feel is guilt, shame, loneliness and lack of self worth... if you have no feelings of self worth how is one suppose to help themselves if they do not see themselves as worth helping?
nygiants1313
Bluelighter
Agreed. Death is easy, life is hard. We'll all find that peace eventually no matter what so it is what it is today
WantToBeReborn
Bluelighter
I once felt like you. Today my life is very different. Start looking at some of your positive qualities instead of focusing on the negative. Self worth is something that builds gradually when we stop using drugs and start letting other people in. I found that impossible at first but it comes over a period of time. Life can change no matter how hopeless it seems. I've learned that it never, ever gets better whilst in active addiction.