Killing time

At the moment i feel almost like a prisoner waiting to get let out. My usual way of passing the day is wake up, take a shot of morphine or pop some, take my psych meds, get something to eat and then try to kill off the rest of the day. Basically i try to keep busy or stay high to make the days past faster. Or i get high and keep busy

If it where not for a very good friend who is very dear to me and has probably helped me more then they know i would be in a very dark place indeed. I first met this friend during a time when i felt i had very little or nothing to live for. All the things i had wanted in life and had fought for had either been destroyed or did not matter much. The feeling of having nothing to live for is indeed a truly awful feeling. For me atleast i feel like i need something to live for other then myself. Back then i felt like i had nothing at all to live for.

I cannot help but think of her and how much i want to be by her side right now. I hate just lying in my lonely bed wishing i was somewhere else. But i have no choice but to wait in this place that i hate for a few months then it's off to see her. I'm not good at waiting though especially when it comes to love.

As another dreary dawn seeps through the shade on the window i can't help but feel slightly melancholic. So as the rise of the new day brings drizzle with it i am sticking a needle filled with morphine in my left arm. I love seeing that blood pour in after i register. It means i have abit of happiness for awhile. Such is the way i exist in a place i despise.

 

The time is long now, but in the grand scheme of things it will have passed quickly. Motivation to do so is tough at times, but have you considered trying to do some exercise to pass the time? It works wonders for the mood, and while you don't live in a bustling metropolis, you do live in a stunningly beautiful part of the world.

What I'm trying to get at is that it can be a problem to live in the future for too long at a stretch. Things are never as good or as bad as we expect them to be, and looking ahead all the time can be habit forming. I know; it's hard not to look ahead when you have little to occupy your time, but the critical thing then is to find something with which you can occupy your time. (perhaps other than getting high? )

Nice to see you around these parts by the way-- and I can't wait for the day when you're making happy, gooshy posts!