Killing myself with gambling

[Moving]

I'm addicted to gambling and my situation is very bad I can't stop myself from gambling and I already wasted 3 years of intense working just on gambling and it gets worse and worse I have no money and I keep gambling and I have debts I'm doing anything I can to stop like self excluding myself from any gambling site but I always find another and many times I feel like gambling is the only thing I like to do my family has gambling issues my uncle tryed to suicide because of gambling debts so this shit is in my genetics and I'm hiding my addiction from everyone I can't live like this anymore I'm sinking lower and lower everyday I dunno what I'm trying to get by sharing this I'm a fuked up person

 

[Warm n fuzzy]

I don't think you a fucked up person. Any person can be addicted to gambling, drugs, sex, etc. I am currently battling my own addictions to drugs and I think the worst part is realizing that the people I love come second to my addiction and every day I grow distant from them and I hate myself for it. So I know your Pain

 

[MySecret]

I'm addicted to gambling and my situation is very bad I can't stop myself from gambling and I already wasted 3 years of intense working just on gambling and it gets worse and worse I have no money and I keep gambling and I have debts I'm doing anything I can to stop like self excluding myself from any gambling site but I always find another and many times I feel like gambling is the only thing I like to do my family has gambling issues my uncle tryed to suicide because of gambling debts so this shit is in my genetics and I'm hiding my addiction from everyone I can't live like this anymore I'm sinking lower and lower everyday I dunno what I'm trying to get by sharing this I'm a fuked up person

In no way am I a professional but I do have experience with battling my own addictions. I have come to realization that I have a problem and that there is a solution. After years of drug abuse and battling a never-ending addiction, I for once in my life, have hope. I have hope because of my recent realizations.

I spent all my time doing drugs and researching drugs and ended up at rock bottom. I can not even begin to tell you the amount of times that I have tried to kill myself, ended up incarcerated, in mental institutions, depressed and hopeless, because of drugs. Not only are drugs to blame, but I am to blame. I CHOSE to do these things. I am in control of myself, if I let it be. I can get myself out.

I stopped researching drugs and began trying to help people. The answer is so simple, yet so complicated. I started researching how to fix myself. I researched addiction, recovery, depression, and everything in between. The key is understanding your problem. Once you understand it well enough, you can fix it. It make take years and years, many failed attempts, whatever, but you can do it.

You are sharing this because you want to stop and you are seeking advice but only you can fix the problem. All we can do is advise and make suggestions, but I would seriously suggest going to therapy, and/or take medication and sticking with it. This is the number one mistake that people make... not sticking with it. We turn to our addictions to try to fill that void and the void is a chemical imbalance in our brain.

 

[lkal26]

I am pretty sure that almost everyone reading your post has battled some sort of addiction. If you aren't opposed to it, there is Gamblers Anonymous. You don't have to be like your family, you can be the one to make the change. As for suicide, that never helps. You hurt for a moment, and your family hurts forever. Talk to someone, it just gets worse if you don't. And having an addiction doesn't make you a bad person, no one is perfect.

 

[Moving]

Thank u all for the replyes 2 years ago I had a breakdown when I lost 10k usd in 1 day I lost my mind and told my family and gf about my addiction and they were shocked and I promised to them that I will stop and they believe that I did stopes so i can't confes again about it cuz my parents will lose hope on me and my gf will leave me and i can't take it anothr big problem is my uncle that im in good relation with and he's a big addict he spent around 30k usd every week and he uses me to place he's bets cuz he cant handle the pc and every time he wins big I get this uncontrollable urge to gamble myself and I can't just stop talking to him and not help him cuz he helps me with money and I need every cent I can get my job doesn't give me good income.

 

[lkal26]

Everything else aside, I would suggest not helping ANYONE place bets for ANYTHING.
That would be like an ex-heroin addict shooting up a friend.
Stay away from it completely, and that will make stopping a teensy bit easier.

 

[MySecret]

Thank u all for the replyes 2 years ago I had a breakdown when I lost 10k usd in 1 day I lost my mind and told my family and gf about my addiction and they were shocked and I promised to them that I will stop and they believe that I did stopes so i can't confes again about it cuz my parents will lose hope on me and my gf will leave me and i can't take it anothr big problem is my uncle that im in good relation with and he's a big addict he spent around 30k usd every week and he uses me to place he's bets cuz he cant handle the pc and every time he wins big I get this uncontrollable urge to gamble myself and I can't just stop talking to him and not help him cuz he helps me with money and I need every cent I can get my job doesn't give me good income.

Don't let your addiction make excuses for you.

 

[Luveomipuppet]

I started gambling in April of 2012. At first, it became an out for me, an escape so to speak. I had recently broke up with an abusive ex and was seeking thrill elsewhere. In the beginning, I would bring in approx 200-300 dollars. Working in a casino didnt help, I saw people won thousands off of it. I was thrilled with a couple hundred. It got worse, hundreds weren't enough, I needed thousands. And I played until my last penny was gone. I wrote bad checks, took out loans, borrowed money from other gamblers. I suffered through bills and upcoming debt because I had blown the money nights prior. I tried to "stop" many of times. Wishing on loved ones graves, making promises to best friends... It was pathetic. I hit rock bottom plenty of times, paying for gas with change, cigarettes from friends. I mean, it got brutal. I talked openly about my addiction sometimes but there were a handful of nights that nobody has discovered. I was a true addict. What finally have me hope, here nearly a year later was the realization that I truly have nothing I show for my losses. Nearly 70 thousand dollars spent of my own cash and still struggling to get ahead. Not enough? "What if I win big?" I still work in a casino and we are not engineered for people to win. We are there for entertainment and to truthfully take your money. Some people get lucky, but 9 times out of 10, they inevitably play it back or give it back one way or another. Nobody is ever "that" lucky. And if they are... They don't come back. My brother passed away at 22. He is truly Walmart has kept me away from the casino. I want him to be proud of me. The choices I make... Yes, I'm human and will make mistakes... But I know in my
mind what is detrimental to my health and gambling became one. I lied to so many people. And to myself. "Oh, ill make it back". But what about that major depression in the morning? Okay, it goes away... Until... I go back. "Ill win today"... But when I lose, back to the same reality. It's a sickness. I see it everyday. Don't be that person. Be stronger than the 19 you have against a 21 or the "7 out" you so desperately thought would be a 12. Focus on other things. Explore the world. I know that you cannot "take it with you", but think about it.... If you have the urge, and you have that mentality, and you go place bets... And lose. Chase, for hours. Plead, beg and promise yourself you'll "get It back", know that, at the end of the day, as a problem gambler, regardless If you do or do not... You'll be back. To lose everything. Rethink your addiction.... Is it worth your sanity??? Because truthfully at the end of the day, you're worth more than that deck of cards.

 

[Luveomipuppet]

And apologize for the typos.

 

[Luveomipuppet]

And I your une "places bets" and wins to help you financially.. Think of all the times he didn't win and had himself in a bind, trying to make back what he had lost. It was depressing. A struggling, trying time for him and yourself included. Had he avoided gambling, he'd actually of been ahead of the game. As stated before, I work in a casino, 6 day a week. At the end of the day, we are not made for people to win. Some do, but again, as stated before, when youa re a problem gambler that comes back more than once, you will lose, and chase, and win and lose and lose more. We feed on that. Addicts. I hope this helps, because I felt hopeless only a few weeks ago and I can proudly say that I have been "gamble free" since my realization.

 

[herbavore]

^great replies from others so far so I will only add this:

My aunt, a retired school librarian with a fantastic retirement gambled it all away time after time. The only way she was finally able to get it in check was to have a relative sign on her bank accounts, get rid of all credit cards, have another relative monitor her mail so that she couldn't open new ones and she started going to Gamblers Anonymous--not a lot, but whenever she felt particularly vulnerable. The common denominator in all this is that she dud not only not try to hide how bad it was, she purposely invited everyone's scrutiny to help her out.

Good luck with it all. (BTW, I think your GF deserves to know what is going on.)

 

[footscrazy]

Glad to hear things have taken a turn for the better for you, Luveomipuppet. This is an old thread though - you could start your own, if you ever need any advice yourself How do you find working in a casino? Is it a big trigger? Working somewhere like that sounds dangerous!

 

[Stevenski]

Hey Luveomipuppet. I understand everything you are saying for I lived the nightmare for a decade. I am copying a post below I made a while ago on my gambling & I hope it can help you in some small way. I am gamble free today & I hope I can stay gamble free tomorrow. Feel free to PM me any time if you need to talk but I have been where you are & it just gets worse the longer it goes on never better.

I strongly suggest finding a new job as working in a casino is about as dangerous as it gets for a compulsive gambler.



When I turned 18 I was a normal guy. Liked a drink & smoked bongs like a champion. It started off as a few beers at the pub & a punt on the pokies/slots. Over time I spent longer & longer playing & would have to be dragged back to drink with the boys.

At 21 I lost my best friend who has just turned 18. He was like my 6'6" "little" brother from another mother. We were both mad gamblers & that fateful Thursday night I was broke so I did not go out drinking with Ray. He ended up hitting a telegraph pole at 170kmh + & died. I came home on the Friday & there was 10 or so mates cars outside my place which was not unusual being a twin & knew everyone. When I found out I collapsed & did not cry (I never have to this day) but was shattered. I had to give the eulogy at his funeral & I saw his open coffin before the funeral with his family. I kissed him goodbye & I have never drunk drove since & seeing a guy who was so full of life smashed beyond comprehension was devastating.

After that I started to drink even heavier & my gambling really spiralled out of control. I would enter the club through a side door that lead directly to the pokies so I would not see any mates who may stop me. I ended up in hospital & was told if I did not stop drinking I would be dead by 30 at best (I had bleeding duodenal ulcers from my drinking).

Before long I could not afford to drink & drug as that took money from gambling. Now when I gambled I would get legit bellringers when I would play. That is how much dompamine would be released into my system. I could gamble for 2-3 days straight without using drugs just running on insanity. I started to withdraw into myself & shut out the rest of the world. No one knew how bad it was I was just known as a heavy punter & in Australia a real man likes a drink & bet.

I tried handing over control of my finances to my dad but more than once I would creep into their house at 3.00am sneak into my parents room & steal my ATM card from next to my dads bedside draws. Then I would withdraw the max amount & put the card back (what a rush being a foot away from my sleeping dad going through his draws to find my card).

At 25 I finally broke & tried GA for the first time. I heard the word God & left to continue my research. Things went rapidly downhill from that point. One day I might have $15K in cash on me & the next nothing. I was a successful horse, greyhound & sports gambler but that was to fund the pokies. One low point I held a kitchen knife to my throat in front of my parents who were terrified & informed them if they did not give me money then I would kill myself & whilst I would be dead & gone they would have to live with the image of me killing myself in front of them & that they would blame themselves for "killing me". Needless to say I got the money & crisis averted . I lived on free pub snacks & free cereal at work as I could not afford to eat.

I was a compulsive liar & could justify anything I did so long as it resulted in me getting the action I needed. There were suicide attempts during those years but i was so pathetic I could not manage to even kill myself properly .

Things came to a head during Christmas 2007 when I broke down crying during Christmas dinner. My father calmed me down & asked what was wrong. I confessed everything & told him it was the end of the line for me & I was going to kill myself. Dad calmly told me that if I wanted to die then that was my choice but there are a lot of people who love me & I should give GA or anything another go before killing myself & if I still can't deal with it then he would try to understand why I killed myself.

I drove home on Boxing day & ended up gambling within 10 minutes of leaving their place. I then went home & cried for a good 2 hours & I mean cried like I never have before or since. The next day I gave GA another chance........

Walking through those doors was humiliating to say the least. This applies to any 12 step fellowship but it takes great courage to admit you are not perfect. I was warmly welcomed & saw hope for the hopelesss in those rooms. I walked out feeling good & positive, I gambled the next morning . I went back that night.

Recovery has been a daily struggle & has been extremely confronting where I have had to address all my character defects truthfully. I was physically sick for months afterwards & lived in a state between sheer terror & mild panic. I don't care if they say it is not physically addictive it certainly was for me & I rate it similar to a benzo withdrawal but possibly longer.

I lasted from 07/01/08 until 05/06/08 & then bought a lotto ticket. Instant insanity & that night I was chairing a meeting. I stood up in front of 30 people & confessed what I had done resigning as secretary on the spot. That was my last bet & my "birthday" is D-Day . I intend on keeping it that way provided I live a honest life.

My brother refused the money I offered to pay him back because according to him "money can't replace the gift of having a twin brother who is alive". I put as much effort & energy into my recovery as I did to gamble. If that meant a 3 hour round trip to get to a meeting then so fucking what. Unlike GA & NA I was lucky to have one meeting I could attend a day in Sydney whereas NA & AA have dozens of meetings all over Sydney daily.

I spent a lot of time doing early rehab work as I had the trifecta of addictions. It is not easy speaking to people who are only hours off ice/heroin/alcohol but I found that they all listened to what I had to say because I had walked a mile in their shoes & understood the insanity they live.

Sorry for this being a longwinded post but I will finish with what one of my mates said to me (he was an alcoholic, heroin addict & gambler). "When I was shooting I could use X amount per day before I would pass out. I could drink X amount of booze before I would be unconscious. That X amount would be less than I would punt on a single horse race". He also along with many others rates gambling as the worst of all addictions because of the combination of psychological & financial damage that can be done in a short amount of time. I would never minimise any addiction but when guys who were users for 20+ years tell me something I listen up good.

 

[herbavore]

^stevinski, whenever you share your story I am amazed, moved and ultimately full of hope.

 

[Stevenski]

Thanks herbavore! Reading my post made me realise how far I have come & how far I have to go still.

Luvomipuppet if you have a partner please tell them what you are going through. Unless they are in the same boat as you they will not understand what you are going through but can provide emotional support.

I also suggest trying ga. There is so much love & support in the rooms. The best part is even if you do go back out there member will welcome you back with open arms. It is not about god but fellow travellers sharing their experience, strength & hope with one another.

 

[Beat Narrative]

After my mother died from Alcoholism my Fathers ultimate escape was gambling, it used to make me so angry as a kid that we never had an ounce of food in the house but now i am older i can see how the cycle develops and the mentality that can evolve when you have a serious gambling problem.

All i know is that my Father did not recover until he went to Gamblers Anonymous, he has has not gambled for 15 years but still attends 3 meetings a week and sponsors about 5 people, i have had a scepticism of 12 step programs because they did not help my mother one bit but i know that my Father entered into it with a real desire to stop, he did not walk in the door and suddenly stop gambling, he had numerous relapses but now he won't as much have a friendly bet on a game of football or buy a lotto ticket, his gambling of choice was pokies (as every pub in Australia is a mini casino these days) but understands that he can not bet on horses just because he had a problem with pokies. I know that GA really helped his life and to an enormous extent my life, i know going to a 12 step program is a big step and i can understand the skepticism that surrounds the programs (eventhough i have seen it work for my Dad I am reluctant to attend NA or AA which i really should) but all i know is it that it worked for him and he is a very wise and caring man who i respect deeply now after years of resentment and anger
Anyway, i am sure its probably something u have already thought of, i am not saying its the answer for you but i know it probably saved my Fathers life

 

[Stevenski]

Hey Beat you should be rightly proud of your dad even though he caused your family so much pain. It is tough because it is so fucking available & with the advent of mobile gaming on your phone I hate to think how bad things would go if I went back for more research. I still find it difficult to watch the football because every 30 seconds they give an odds update & 90% of ads during games are for gambling. I stopped GA meetings when I moved to Melbourne as I do not agree with the way the fellowship is run here compared to Sydney. That said I still speak to my sponsor when I can & practise the principals daily.

I hope luveomipuppet is ok