Kicking

[GoronusMaximus]

I'm beginning to get discouraged. The woman I mentioned earlier in the thread is someone I've grown very close to in a way I never have with another human being and I've been mostly open with what I've been going through. She was an IV heroin user herself about 15 years ago and got pregnant and went cold turkey and never really looked back (though still smokes weed and does other drugs on a sporadic recreational basis). She's been a major help but this is such a difficult process that just seems to be never ending. My withdrawals have become mostly uncomfortable days rather than unbearable ones but getting through work and being a functioning human being is still very tough.

I'm mostly out of money this week so I think it may be time to face the music and just fucking do it. I want to be able to suffer with my mind on the fact that better times are coming but it's so hard for me to live out of the moment in regards to what I want. It's always been this way for me and it's made my life very difficult and devoid of long term achievement. I want to be a better father and I want to build a foundation I can stand on and achieve goals and feel fulfilled. I'm a survivor when it comes to my personality, which would leave me at an advantage if there was a nuclear war or something but doesn't translate well to modern first world society as I'm always struggling to get from one place to another, never building a safety net. It dawned on me how long this has been going on in my life today and how I'm slowly becoming just another unfortunate statistic. I really want to be better. I know I have addictive tendencies but I don't want to be an "addict" if that makes sense.

Sorry for the self-pity, I'm just venting my thoughts.

 

[My3sons]

It's easy for people who don't have major responsibility and other people depending on them to say just do it. Anyone can do it! Although, they may be true, you need the time to do it. When you have to work and take care of other people it's not that simple. I for one can't show up at work detoxing. I'd be fired! Some people, including myself, have to do it the long way. Be careful just going off subs bc of insurance. I did what you are doing for the same reasons and had a l horrible relapse. Here it us 4 yrs later and I am doing the slow taper in mmt. Hopefully I will be done by January. At that point it will have been just over 2 yrs on mmt. For me it works. Gave me time to get to know myself again. Life is OK. All my current problems have nothing to do with drugs. They're normal issues of a single mom! I'd just pay the money and do a slow taper the right way. You don't want to get wrapped up in all these other drugs and bad habits just bc you don't want to pay the $400! In the long run it will cost more to relapse or end up with a meth habit. I know it sucks. Unfortunately, we fucked up and by taking opiates to push ourselves in the first place ended up with bigger problems. There's no going back and no use beating ourselves up. We just have to move foward and make the best decision for the long run. For you it might be subs and a slow taper. Think about it.

 

[GoronusMaximus]

For those of you interested in my progress...I feel fucking awful, my anxiety is through the roof and all I want to do is lay in bed...but I've managed to get through work without missing any time and have kept myself from losing my shit. I was 14 days clear and used a small dosage 6 days ago but that was my only time in the past 20 days. Been off the amps for over a week. Every day is a little different but I'm finding solace in the fact that I'm doing something conducive to my future. Overall (besides marijuana), I'm completely substance free for the first time in a long time. Cravings are bad today and I hate my life right now but I've got a big smile going in the back of my mind and know that things will improve. Really would love some relief right now but I don't want to draw this out anymore.

 

[GoronusMaximus]

I suspect my usage 8 days ago( even though it was 14 days later and beyond the acute withdrawal stage) caused more minor withdrawal symptoms throughout this entire week. It's possible that it had little overall effect on the process other than just slowing it down but the possibility it being behind the harsh symptoms I've had this week has been enough to keep me from using small dosages to get through the worst of PAWS.

I really really wanted to get fixed up the other night. I had plenty of money, plenty of time, and I was already working out plans on how to carry it out. I told my girlfriend how I was feeling and she didn't try to downgrade the experience or anything and just said "but you know you'll make it worse and you're much stronger than you think you are and that's why you're gonna do right. It's just a passing time that you've gotta get through; it may feel like your whole life right now but it's gonna just keep fading over time until you feel normal again." I know that she's right and this is one of the first times I've ever really strongly put my future comfort over my immediate because it would be really easy to get high and do all the little things to get fixed up and just be done with this entire nightmare of anxiety and shifting moods. I'd love the relief but I honestly don't want to get high like that. I don't want to do this again and be back in this zone and I want to move on with my life and be able to think about where it is that I'm going without having to constantly have my mind in a "drug first" mentality.

I think this week will start showing major improvements. Work yesterday wasn't exactly easy but me and the other guy killed it (I run the Sunday shift) and I had a ton of anxiety about going to work but none about actually doing the work. I did show him the secret of what you can do with an OTC nasal inhaler because he was trying to find some adderall. We didn't take the whole thing but made little acidic shots with part of the cotton so we were definitely "up" for the dinner part of the shift. Surprisingly, it made my anxiety go right away and I was just really motivated and driven all night (amps and amp-like drugs don't always give me positive motivation, I often get even more wrapped up in "distraction" activities). We got a ton of work done really fast and sold all of our tickets about as fast as they could go out.

Anyways, outside of all that ranting, the point is that I'm getting better. I've got a lot ahead of me still but I'm still astounded I've actually made it to where I am. I'd been trying for months and tried before many times but never could fully break that physical dependence once it was fully there.

 

[Will0w]

How you doing??,,, have you been able to stay clean? just checking in I hope all is well and you haven't looked back but I am also an addict so I know how hard that is