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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Kicking

Do what you gotta do, I feel for you. About 10 years ago, I signed a living will, too. Don't want anything done to prolong or save me either. I carry it on me. His mental faculties are scary right now, just be safe. When I agreed to bring my mom home, I figured she didn't have too much time left and here we are, almost a year later, I asked my sister to take her back, but she basically laughed in my face, there is no one else, my brothers cut all contact years ago, I have no life anymore, I try to act like I care but I dont, fml. J
 
No, it doesn't. Caregiving to someone you've loved is the hardest job. At very least, you can arrange for someone to come in a couple hours a day to start-while you get placement under way. These careworkers won't be hurt by his verbal abuse-they don't have your memories.

I would also think about getting clean or on maintenance while this is going on. You do not need to be caught up in the cycle of copping to get well every day while trying to find a facility, dealing with insurance etc. Is there any way you can get subs?
 
^This, I am constantly amazed on this site how everyone always has such good ideas and offers support. Great idea about the case workers, they were great with my mom, but after I brought her home, due to her insurance I couldn't put her back there without paying the first 8 grand out of pocket, or spends minimum 3 days in hospital, it sucks how insurance companies dictate your life. I hope you can get some help Bottle, reach out and see what you can get, even if you can get maintainence for yourself now, it would help you get thru this rough patch. Call social work dept of hospital, and also his doc to let them know what is happening, can't get ya out of my mind so let us know you are, fondly, J
 
I'm ok. It's easier now I've made the decision. I've already called the hospital. It's all fine. He has pain, so I'm taking him in.
I'm very sad. I feel like shit.
Can't afford subs, don't want to get clean.
 
Thinking of you too bono. Take her to the hospital, tell them you can't cope, she ain't coming home with you. Let adult social services help her. They will if you aren't an option.you aren't responsible for paying her bills
Much love!
I'm very hurt, but being nice and calm. I didn't get angry. He is still the love of my life. He's just not there, sadly. Others are better placed to do this. I'd give anything for one last hug and for him to say he loved me.
 
Hey bono, thinking of you, sweetheart. You are a good person in terrible circumstances.
I hope I haven't offended you by suggesting you try get free. You deserve a life.
Hugs xxx
 
Aw I seriously wish I could jump thru this screen to help you!! You have offered nothing but support, that means the world to me, I don't even get that from my own family. For that I get teary eyed, thanx. I actually am responsible for my mom, power of attorney and all... oh well.. let us know how it goes at hospital, I swear if you need take trip east I'm here for ya. Keep posting J
 
Oh you poor darling! I wish we could free you! Is there no way?
A gofundme page? Try raise cAsh?
Adult social services?
My heart goes out to you. It's not ok.
 
Thanks, I've always prided myself on being independant, when I left my cheating ex, I had $4 to my name, I taught my kids how to be self sufficient too, I looked in to everything, for now, I may hire a friend to sit with her at some point, but if I put her away, the home gets every single penny of her assets, then, when the well runs dry the state kicks in, I decided to bring her home last year, so until I can't manage her care I guess, this is where I am at. I know, many years ago I promised my dad that I would never put either of them away, I am true to my word, I may not be best handler of the situation,but I am trying. J
 
Will he go willingly? When my mom had stroke it was real hard getting her to the hospital, she was nasty and stubborn, but that was her old self, now she doesn't know me half the time.
 
The last thing I wanted to do was get on MMT. I have been bouncing around 12-step meetings for years, never making it and feeling like an asshole. Everyone else seemed very normal and happy. I'd be happy for a while and later, I was left with myself. I read about the neurologic damage done to the body by years of opioid abuse. The doctors in detox told me bluntly, "Mikie, if you want to live, your way is not working. You absolutely need chemical support like Subs or Methadone. The suboxone didn't work for me because then someone put the drugs in my hand and I found ways to beat the urines, signing the counselor slips and all that.

I was worried about warrants. I have been on MMT and got off. Not because of the warrants but because I wanted to get effing high!

I signed up for MMT again last April 2015. I still have cravings for an intense opiate high. That was never enough so I learned all about speedball (in the 80's). Being on the brink of death was the only thing that satisfied me. I OD'd on cocaine twice and on opiate/benzo/alcohol more times than I'd like to admit.

I learned that our brains will never be normal and healthy on their own, that damage being done by opiates. I started on heroin when I was 17. Now I am 63.

I learned that I need to do what is right for me. I wrote and published my autobiography. It's very true, 400 pages, and took 12 years to write.

I can't judge anyone. Kicking opiate habits are murder. I don't think I've ever done it successfully unless I landed in jail.

Now, I am drinking beer and hate myself for it. I hide it from my friends in AA and from the clinic. I am happy to be a member of Bluelight.

A real plus today is that I learned to tell the truth. Life is too short to be plastic and sleazy.

I pray for the best for everyone. Do what you have to do for your peace of mind and for what keeps you healthy. Michael
 
I love you. I love you I love you I love you I love you. I wish I could meet you and hug you and squeeze you. I wish I could be there to help. I wish I could fix it all. You are amazing for continuing to love and care. I can't imagine your pain, even though I've been through H withdrawal many times before. I am picturing you and imagining that there is something i can do to help. Just know you are beautiful and amazing.
 
I couldn't do it. I just talked to him, hugged him, tried to get thru to him. He's being gentler. Ill keep doing this. Ill just hide my shit better. No rigs until Thursday.
Resin, hey there. I'm no one special. Thank you for the love and recognition.
I remembered how he was. And just couldn't do it.

I've no dope left, no rigs...and a house full of opiates I can't touch. Welcome to hell...

You have all been so lovely.
 
I'm trying not to absolutely detest myself after relapsing last Autumn after having not used in almost three years. I recently went a week clean, then used twice for two consecutive days followed by three days of sobriety until tonight after I smoked half a bag in order to run errands which otherwise would have been impossible. Its done now and I dont necessarily have to leave the house for the following week.

I've no money until Thursday, at which point I'm going to lodge all my funds into my bank account, as this is how I managed to complete the previous week of sobriety. During that week I was able to purchase a guitar and new clothes and not once did I use. I'm fucking proud of that.

After I quit methadone about a year ago, I began to feel better mentally after about two weeks. If I can achieve two weeks of sobriety from here on in, I'm confident I can remain clean. I've learned what caused me to relapse (which, if you're interested, was due to finding codeine tablets in the house and idling about in general). Theres no codeine this time as I went through them all last Autumn, therefore I must busy myself.

Please wish me luck - I hate the person this drug turns me into. I dont steal or fuck people over, but it renders me creatively inept, vocally mute and unable to conversate or interact with people in general. I lapse into a realm of reclusion, existing in a bubble of numbness save for stints of misery and self loathing. Its ridiculous continuing as I feel horrible guilt after using and since I've only used a maximum of three times a week since November 5th 2015 I'm actually in withdrawal most of the time which as you know is hell. Apart from that moment of relief after scoring after three days of attempted detoxing, theres just no positives as its followed by immediate remorse.

I feel a world away from everyone around me; I love my family more than anything in the world and the feeling of distance this lifestyle creates between them and I is absolutely killing me. I wont let tonights slip up weaken my will - the Will is the Way and this self-torture ends now.

Good luck to you all - I saw the light at the end of the tunnel the last time I sobered up and I can promise you sober life is infinitely more enjoying than this fallacy we impose upon ourselves. Thank you for reading, this has been the most I've communicated to anyone in almost 7 months.
 
Endless. I know it's hell, sweetie, but it sounds like you are really done with it. The resentment amongst those you love, their dislike for the habit. And the fact it makes you uncreative all sound like things which will keep you from relapsing. Big hugs x
 
Thank you, Mike. I don't think I've an option other than methadone. We'll see.
Sounds like you've had an exciting life so far. 63 isn't old! My old man is about the same age, I'm 40. Your generation had all the fun.

Ps...good luck, endless!

Me, I'm getting high...sorry. or as high as is possible without a damn rig...
 
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