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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Kicking

I had to pick up his ms contin, oxys, fucking dillies...which he needs for pain relief for a brain tumor and stroke. Queue for 2 hours. Come home, give him his dose, not touch them while I'm kicking still, and he wonders why I'm crying.
The old speed freek can't understand it's torture.

I love him, I'm caring 24/7. But it's destroying me. I can't do it without my bag.
 
No na meet unless I go an hour plus to the nearest town. We are rural.

You sound like you are doing great. I'm on day 4. Coming out of the worst of it I think. Cramps and back pain are not unbearable. I always get back pain kids kicking.

I never put the guitar down, caring for my old man is getting to me. I'm 40, he's 62. We've been together for a long time. I love him.
 
Oh sweetheart..... My heart is breaking for you and I have tears in my eyes.

I wanted to offer you hugs, from one 35yo old soul to another. Life sure is hard. I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm so sorry.

I too am the strong one. It's hard.

Just know a perfect stranger feels for you... Feels love for you, empathy, compassion

Don't give up.

Peace.
 
Thank you. Thank you so much. Please be my friend. Why can't he get it? I went out, got my shit, but did the stupid mistake once again of no test shot, same amount as before the kick, desperate to not feel like I was. And had a minor od. Came to in a puddle of vomit. Of course he's now not talking to me. I apologized. I was reckless, maybe on purpose. I'm no rookie, so why I did that I don't know. Feel like hell.
I don't want to be strong.
 
Stay away from methadone or suboxone yea it saves lives but your really trading another addiction for one trust me I'm currently withdrawaling from 16mg suboxone cold turkey this is hell cold chills,insomnia,body aches cramps and worst of it all runny nose and execessive sneezing
 
Oh honey :( I'm glad you are still with us. Stay with us, my friend. Stay with us.

I can't comprehend all of the suffering in the world..... It breaks my heart, the suffering.

But there are beautiful things, too. It sure doesn't fucking feel like it when you are suffering and not living but merely existing.

I'm going to take my dog potty, but will be back shortly. Feel free to PM me..... Get it all off your chest, beautiful. I don't have anything urgent that needs to be done tonight and I'm happy to listen.

Send me a PM hon.

I hope you can close your eyes, and feel my arms around you in a tight and compassionate embrace. I feel for you love. Just hold on. There are steps you can take. It doesn't feel like it when you feel hopeless, I know.

Love yourself.

Be back shortly.

Peace.
 
Quantz....

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you didn't read through every post this person made in this thread.
They are going through quite a bit more than just kicking.
You give ME a break.

Peace.
 
Thank you better. I'm not in great shape.
I don't recognize my old man most of the time. He's very out of it on the ms contin. I haven't touched his shit apart from giving him his meds.
He's talking at least. Seems very irritable with me, but that emotionless thing is the stroke and tumor.

I love him.
 
"You love drugs more than me"

I have never touched his shit. Not ever. I left as briefly as possible, came right back. Because no one can give out that shit and not have a breakdown. So I got myself straight.

I've lost everything, and all of a sudden he doesn't comprehend I'm a junkie.
 
I was thinking about what you were saying about methodone maintenance. Usually I would advise anyone to try their best to avoid taking the MM route, if another way could be found, simply for the fact that the half life is so long, making withdrawals a living HELL, or so I have heard over and over again (Have never been on MM). Subs are another option for maintenance.

But, your circumstances are a bit more urgent. You have so much on your plate already. Caregiving is known to be an exhausting job. Add to that fact your love for him, and your fear of losing him, and you have a recipe for dropping from exhaustion, stress, pain, anguish, etc.

The last thing you need during this difficult time in your lives is to be in withdrawal half the time, trying to cop, trying to resist the temptation that him being scripted so many opiates brings.

Going through withdrawal while caring for him and spending your precious time together...you just don't need that added nightmare.

If I were you, I would look into some kind of maintenance program. Get you removed from the lifestyle of copping and being sick while you are already straining to provide for his needs and comfort.

I don't know how this would work, but perhaps there would be a way to, when and if you need to get off maintenance and you were taking methadone, maybe you could switch at that point to subs which if I am recalling right, still has a long half life but shorter than methadone. And it is fairly easy to cut down and taper off of subs....technically, of course.

But honestly....you can worry about that later. I don't think "worry about it later" is a good OVERALL way to live life. However, some intense and urgent and incredibly stressful times in life require a fast solution to a current problem because the cost is too high to continue that way, and once things settle you can work out any issues with said chosen fast solution.

I would get on Google and search for someone to help you do that.

Big hugs hon.

Peace.
 
Don't take it personally, hon. Easier said than done I know. You love him. How could it not hurt???

Just remind your logical side of his health issues and their contribution to his mentality. The drugs he is on and their effect on his mentality. And just the stress of his situation and that effect on his mentality. If he were thinking more clearly, would he not understand?

Believe me, I'm aware that that's of little comfort while you're in the midst of so many storms.

Take shelter from said storms in your logic. Take shelter from the added stress of WD and copping by looking into maintenance. Take shelter from the pain by reaching out for support.

You can make things a little less chaotic for yourself, reduce your suffering.

Trust me... I get it that it is so much more easily said than done.

When you are walking through hell like that, sometimes you get so tired you don't even want to help yourself anymore. Because it requires your strength, which you are tired of giving out. I know. I'm the strong one, too. People just think the strong ones are just bulletproof or something but the fact is it takes a huge effort to be strong for everyone all of the time. I know.

You will make it through this.

Xoxoxoxoxoxo
 
Somehow most people think acknowledging my perceived strength is supportive. You get it, better. It's a marathon, I'm never the one to be supported. I do everything, deal with people. 'B', as ill call him, doesn't get opiates. He did a lot of meth.

I think methadone is the only way I can care for him. Ill look into it. I'm ok for now, taking it easy. I came close to a bad outcome. I could feel I wasn't breathing, but you know how it doesn't hurt not to breathe in that state, next thing I know I'm on the floor in puke. 'b' just ignored me.

It's ok. I'm a bit fucked up, feeling like shit. And only people here care.

B used to love me. I miss it.

You are right, it's going to destroy me.
 
The man he was would understand and care.

There's signs of the old him, but he's mostly gone.

I don't know how I'm doing this. Ten years of love, I suppose
 
He's never liked opiates. I've been hand holding. Talking him thru taking them, reassuring him, getting him to relax and enjoy. While I'm dying.
 
Hang in there Bottle, I feel for you. I too am caretaker, and I do understand what you are going thru. I quit living my life last year when my mom had stroke in may, she went to nursing home/rehab but I couldn't leave her there, she lived with me past 5 years, before that with my sister who they had falling out, so I brought her home after a week. It is so hard, she doesn't know me half the time, calls me "maam", and has very hard time with speech. Had 2 more mini strokes since, I get what you are going thru, I feel like I am dying too, no one cares, no one helps me, my life is over, as I know it, had a good job I quit for this situation, anyway just letting you know I care, I feel for ya, I am here for ya, fondly, bono
 
Hey there Sun :)

How are you holding up today honey?

It is taking me forever to move. Ugh.

I hope today is relatively good for you. You are deeply in my thoughts and prayers, hon.

Hold our hands.

Peace.
 
It means so much that people understand. I can't work out pms! I can reply, but can't seem to work out how to send one right now. My brain is fried.
He's very grouchy with me. "Take the lid off my water now! Stupid!" Not how he used to be..."hey can you help me with the lid?"

He counts his pills, accuses me. Shit, I was dying, I love all that stuff, and never once considered it. I'm a junkie, not trash.

I'm considering a nursing home if he can't be nice anymore. I don't think I can do it to him. If not, it may well be methadone. I've been using on and off for 23 years. Mostly functional. I've been trying to chip. Being with him in hospital, waiting outside icu, hands shaking, hallucinating, puking, needing a drink and my shit was awful. The young guy who got me a bottle, saved my life. No one cared about me. Doesn't matter meth broke his brain, it's all poor B, let's give him all the drugs in the world, Fuck you, bottle.

The booze and trams are kicked. But ill never be clean of opiates. I don't want to be. Only psych med that works and makes me human.
 
How are you, better?
Bono, strokes are awful. They aren't the same person. It's like your person got abducted, and they swapped them for some asshole who demands you 24 7, with nothing but anger in return from them.
 
I wish you better, and bono were close by. We could have fun, watch a movie, and not feel so alone.
 
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