This will be somewhat long so if you want to click away now I won't blame you.
So I've been depressed since I was 12 I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder when I was 15. I was hopitalized with anorexia at age 16. When I turned 17 I developed anxiety and panic disorder and now I am age 19 and still suffer with all of the things listed except anorexia. I have recovered from that.
Basically as you can see I just can't get my shit together. I have tons of mental illness and demons I battle every day. Now I'm sure you are wondering how I got this way. So I'll explain.
When I was 7 years old my Father was diagnosed with lymes disease and systemic lupus. He had an aneurysm in his aortic valve and neuropathy in his legs. I have good memories of him up until the diagnoses. He was prescribed pain medication such as oxycontin, hydrocodone, roxycodone, also he had klonopin, xanax, etc. As some of you can probably relate to this he became very addicted to the pain medication and spiraled out of control. He was either really UP or very down. There was no more 'normal' dad. I believe he lost his mind to those pills. My Mom left him and I lived at my grandparents. I always felt like a burden to them. My Mom had to get a restraining order on my Dad because he started using methamphetamine. When he was using he'd call us all hours of the night leaving horrific voicemails.
Fast forward a bit and me and mom have our own place and mom gets a phone call at 3 am on 1-19-2012. It's my uncle informing us my Dad has passed away. He swallowed 30ish Klonopin pills and fell asleep, he awoke to find he was dying. Instantly regretting his decision once conscious he called 911. He lived out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and it took ambulance 30 minutes to get there. Once there, the ambulance had to bust in because he had boarded up the doors (I guess meth use made him paranoid) they found him crawling to the door. He died on the way to the hospital.
The news hit me like a ton of bricks though I thought I had prepared myself for it. In all actuality I was not even closely prepared. My depression worsened, anorexia developed, and anxiety shortly followed. I've seen tons of counselors, taken tons of anti-depressants, and nothing worked. Eventually I started dabbling with drugs myself. Started with weed, then shrooms, then lsd, then cocaine. Which is as far as I went. I was and still am constantly searching for something to fill a void. I have developed depersonalization and derealization after a very intense lsd trip as well.
Today, I am kicked out of my house by my Mom because I lied about being in college. I told her I was going like I was suppose to when in all actuality I quit going back in October. Main reason being was, all of my mental illnesses worsened, my anxiety got to it's peak and had panic attacks every night and insomnia. I would be up anywhere between 4am-8am before I was too exhausted to do anything and just crashed. School started at 9am and my depression and anxiety just won't let me out of bed. But my Mom doesn't get it. I feel like shit for lying about going but I literally had no motivation or strength to continue college. So I was kicked out today when she saw my grades online. Now I have to pay $1600 back to the school for quitting. So she is more pissed about that.
So is it my fault about quitting college considering all of my mental illness? What do I need to do?
So I've been depressed since I was 12 I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder when I was 15. I was hopitalized with anorexia at age 16. When I turned 17 I developed anxiety and panic disorder and now I am age 19 and still suffer with all of the things listed except anorexia. I have recovered from that.
Basically as you can see I just can't get my shit together. I have tons of mental illness and demons I battle every day. Now I'm sure you are wondering how I got this way. So I'll explain.
When I was 7 years old my Father was diagnosed with lymes disease and systemic lupus. He had an aneurysm in his aortic valve and neuropathy in his legs. I have good memories of him up until the diagnoses. He was prescribed pain medication such as oxycontin, hydrocodone, roxycodone, also he had klonopin, xanax, etc. As some of you can probably relate to this he became very addicted to the pain medication and spiraled out of control. He was either really UP or very down. There was no more 'normal' dad. I believe he lost his mind to those pills. My Mom left him and I lived at my grandparents. I always felt like a burden to them. My Mom had to get a restraining order on my Dad because he started using methamphetamine. When he was using he'd call us all hours of the night leaving horrific voicemails.
Fast forward a bit and me and mom have our own place and mom gets a phone call at 3 am on 1-19-2012. It's my uncle informing us my Dad has passed away. He swallowed 30ish Klonopin pills and fell asleep, he awoke to find he was dying. Instantly regretting his decision once conscious he called 911. He lived out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and it took ambulance 30 minutes to get there. Once there, the ambulance had to bust in because he had boarded up the doors (I guess meth use made him paranoid) they found him crawling to the door. He died on the way to the hospital.
The news hit me like a ton of bricks though I thought I had prepared myself for it. In all actuality I was not even closely prepared. My depression worsened, anorexia developed, and anxiety shortly followed. I've seen tons of counselors, taken tons of anti-depressants, and nothing worked. Eventually I started dabbling with drugs myself. Started with weed, then shrooms, then lsd, then cocaine. Which is as far as I went. I was and still am constantly searching for something to fill a void. I have developed depersonalization and derealization after a very intense lsd trip as well.
Today, I am kicked out of my house by my Mom because I lied about being in college. I told her I was going like I was suppose to when in all actuality I quit going back in October. Main reason being was, all of my mental illnesses worsened, my anxiety got to it's peak and had panic attacks every night and insomnia. I would be up anywhere between 4am-8am before I was too exhausted to do anything and just crashed. School started at 9am and my depression and anxiety just won't let me out of bed. But my Mom doesn't get it. I feel like shit for lying about going but I literally had no motivation or strength to continue college. So I was kicked out today when she saw my grades online. Now I have to pay $1600 back to the school for quitting. So she is more pissed about that.
So is it my fault about quitting college considering all of my mental illness? What do I need to do?
