Kicked heroin... Almost

[Rewster451]

So, I effectively beat my addiction about a month ago. I went through withdrawals and came out on the othe side. I felt like hell for seven days. Day one wasn't too bad, day two gave me a pretty good picture of what he'll looked like, and day three was so terrible words fail me. The thing that really sucked was that once I hit the bottom of hell, crawling back out seemed to take much longer than it took to get down there. What I mean by that is that day four was effectively just as bad as day three. Climbing out is a good metaphor because I found that the more active I was, the better I felt. When I went back to work on day four I was really worried about being sick and not being able to work, but what I found was that the harder I worked and the faster I made pizza, the better I felt. But when I got home at night my body felt as if it might break down. Feeling cold all the time, cold turkey flesh, chronic discomfort of the bowels including bouts of incredible gastric pain, intense pain in my lower back, legs, feet and hands, and in the mornings, splitting headaches and diarrhea that seemed to threaten to take my entrails out through my asshole. But the worst thing was the "restless leg syndrome," which I feel is an incredibly misleadingly understated name for the most awful sensation I have ever experienced in my life. For me it took over my whole body, and if I refused to give in to the urge to move in some way, this terrible electricity would course through my brain and body until, intentionally or involuntarily, I would have to move my body in ways that were often violent and sort of odd in the sense that I normally don't move that way. A couple of times I felt I might pull a muscle or in some other way injure myself.

The withdrawals didn't end abruptly at all. But after about the seventh day I felt significantly better. I also started working out in the mornings, walking to and from work, eating healthy and talking vitamins. After three weeks I felt five years younger.


But then I fucked up. I'm not even sure why, but I decided to try "chipping. And I succeeded, on the face of it. The thing is, three days later, that's today, I did it again. I hadn't experienced any withdrawals, and I knew that after seventy two hours all the dope was out of my system. But I realize that I have to knock this off. Seventy two hours or seventy two days, it doesn't matter. Eventually I will end up back where I was, and then if I get clean again I'll have to crawl back through hell. I just hope I can make it.

Does anybody have any advice for the post withdrawal phase off recovery? If not that's okay. Just writing this was helpful. But i don't want to go to meetings. I'm just really not into that.

 

[T. Calderone]

I don't know many people who havn't relapsed. You know how you will feel but you get sucked back in. My therapist also recommended meetings, maybe I should but would rather not. I'm not a good chipper, once I start up again it's on. One thing I noticed is each time I got back into it, the withdrawals seemed harder.

Back then I didn't even know what paws was. I would just be a miserable bitch. You're doing the right things staying busy, eating well and taking vitamin supplements. I found a good thread that Neversickanmore put in some really great links. You might want to check out our Sober Living section. There's lots of good people there going through the same. Wish you luck!


http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/719962-Opiate-Opiod-PAWS-(help)

 

[crzydiamond]

You kind of have to force yourself to get back into things you enjoyed before. Because your brain/pleasure-reward system is still healing you most likely won't get the enjoyment you did before. And you may feel "blah" or "bored with life" kind of the "is this all it is without drugs" feeling. But that is because your brain has been on artificial highs for so long that it has to begin to produce its own happy chemicals again.

If you can remember that in time it gets better, and make yourself remember the hell you went through before you pick up again (not just the good memories of feeling good...remember where it ends up) and kind of focus on just getting through, in time you will be better. I had almost 9 years clean at one point with no meeting or any of that. After the first year or so I didn't really wen think about getting high. My relapse was a combination of prescribed pain mess and a bad time in my life. Not an excuse. But my point is I wasn't craving and got high cause of a craving. Strangely, I remember after i had like 4 years clean I couldn't even picture myself shooting up. Seemed like a different person, different lifetime.

Good luck to you. You just have to find the fun stuff--what gives you joy in life--that's the key. Until then you kind of have to force yourself.

 

[adder]

I didn't really have much breaks once I switched from heroin to methadone. I'm not even sure if I had any breaks, I can't even remember to be honest. It sucked me in so much that before I spontaneously decided to quit, I hadn't even thought that I could be one day free from opioids. I was so down that I guess I subconsciously waited for death as I was also addicted to clonazepam at that time. It wasn't any forcing myself that it took to kick it. Having been a zombie for like 2 years then, I suddenly seemed to wake up and started realising how far that had gone, that I had never imagined with my first use of codeine that I would be in such a state one day. I think I really hit my bottom then, I failed at the university and chemistry has been the driving passion in my life since I was 14/15. I guess I just reconciled and I decided that my dreams are worth fighting for. Two years later I'm off clonazepam as well and I'm trying to get off Suboxone, which I know won't be easy and I probably won't achieve it this year. But I've also fought my darkest fears, I've stood up, and knowing how this feels and how it felt to think I was nobody, not worth anything while there are so many bad people out there hurting good people everything. Never again those thoughts, I'm sure now. And once I managed to figure it out for myself, I also realised that I can do a lot for other people as well, so this world perhaps one day becomes a better place if we gather together to fight for it. And I didn't really feel like a good person being addicted, trust me.

So all you really need to do is to remember what drove you to live before you got addicted and put your faith in heroin. I'm sure you can succeed once you contrast that self-absorbing urge to take heroin and your real dreams.

 

[Rewster451]

I'm fortunate that I haven't gotten back in to it fully. I really want to make sure that this time doesn't lead to a next time. The thing about meetings is that I've kept my addiction really well hid. My wife knows and is mostly supportive of me quitting, although I haven't told her about the chipping. Probably won't. But if I go to meetings I risk being recognized, and I'm not sure how that might effect my work. I run a restaurant, and I really don't want the employees, or especially the owner, to know I'm a drug addict. My addiction lasted only six months and I never used a needle, so I'm fairly confident I can get back to a normal life and put this all in a very private closet.

 

[T. Calderone]

If you go to a meeting and someone you know recognizes you, it shouldn't be an issue. They are there for the same reason right? If anything, they will respect you for having the conviction to get help and support. Remember isolation is the disease's secret weapon. Stay away from people that use and delete all your connect's phone numbers too.

 

[ksralyv2mch]

So, I effectively beat my addiction about a month ago. I went through withdrawals and came out on the othe side. I felt like hell for seven days. Day one wasn't too bad, day two gave me a pretty good picture of what he'll looked like, and day three was so terrible words fail me. The thing that really sucked was that once I hit the bottom of hell, crawling back out seemed to take much longer than it took to get down there. What I mean by that is that day four was effectively just as bad as day three. Climbing out is a good metaphor because I found that the more active I was, the better I felt. When I went back to work on day four I was really worried about being sick and not being able to work, but what I found was that the harder I worked and the faster I made pizza, the better I felt. But when I got home at night my body felt as if it might break down. Feeling cold all the time, cold turkey flesh, chronic discomfort of the bowels including bouts of incredible gastric pain, intense pain in my lower back, legs, feet and hands, and in the mornings, splitting headaches and diarrhea that seemed to threaten to take my entrails out through my asshole. But the worst thing was the "restless leg syndrome," which I feel is an incredibly misleadingly understated name for the most awful sensation I have ever experienced in my life. For me it took over my whole body, and if I refused to give in to the urge to move in some way, this terrible electricity would course through my brain and body until, intentionally or involuntarily, I would have to move my body in ways that were often violent and sort of odd in the sense that I normally don't move that way. A couple of times I felt I might pull a muscle or in some other way injure myself.

The withdrawals didn't end abruptly at all. But after about the seventh day I felt significantly better. I also started working out in the mornings, walking to and from work, eating healthy and talking vitamins. After three weeks I felt five years younger.


But then I fucked up. I'm not even sure why, but I decided to try "chipping. And I succeeded, on the face of it. The thing is, three days later, that's today, I did it again. I hadn't experienced any withdrawals, and I knew that after seventy two hours all the dope was out of my system. But I realize that I have to knock this off. Seventy two hours or seventy two days, it doesn't matter. Eventually I will end up back where I was, and then if I get clean again I'll have to crawl back through hell. I just hope I can make it.

Does anybody have any advice for the post withdrawal phase off recovery? If not that's okay. Just writing this was helpful. But i don't want to go to meetings. I'm just really not into that.

Hey man beat it while you can, heroin will only destroy you and your life and every time you quit, it'll get worse!! But if you want something to help you in PAWs EXERCISE!! It helps your body start to get healthier (strength wise and health wise.. circulatory, respiratory etc... get ladies) and it produces endorphins which is feel good stuff in the brain!! The depression and lethargy is the hardest part of PAWS, ime/imo, but doing things and having a life will help the depression and everything fade away... Getting started is the hardest part in all of it, you'll feel like not doing anything or it's useless to do anything and who cares, blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. The first couple steps are the hardest but once you get going, you'll feel good and everything wil be awesome! AND with exercise comes fatigue so it helps you fall asleep naturally again, ultimately Food and Exercise is the best things you can do... maybe read up on some stuff for psychological problems

Google: "AVRT" or "Rational Recovery" if you aren't into the whole AA thing... it is a much better approach I'd say then the whole powerless/I'm weak and can't do this approach of AA..... Good luck

 

[lman_15]

I'm 18 months clean and can tell you it does get better. The unfortunate reality is that (in my experience) a lot of "getting better" is a waiting game. Simply waiting for your brain chemistry to recalibrate. Here are some things that I found helped me:
- drink a lot of water, stay hydrated and try to drink 2+ litres of water a day
- lots of fruits and veggies, have 5+ servings a day
- cut out the junk food and fast food, eat good, cook home cooked meals
- take vitamins and supplements (I personally take vitamin c, d, and zinc everyday)
- start working out, running, lifting weights, yoga whatever you're into just stay physically active
- find some people to hang out with the power of laughing and having a good time is something that is under valued, to this day some of the best times I've had in sobriety was just breaking balls and talking shit with my friends laughing till my abs hurt
- sexual release on the regular, seriously refriend your cock, I personally in the last 6-12 months of my 3 years daily opiate addiction neglected my dick entirely, refriending that bastard was the best thing I did in recovery, jerk off frequently, watch porn, sleep with women

All of the above in my opinion helped me out substantially in my recovery

 

[cocoapuff]

But the worst thing was the "restless leg syndrome," which I feel is an incredibly misleadingly understated name for the most awful sensation I have ever experienced in my life. For me it took over my whole body, and if I refused to give in to the urge to move in some way, this terrible electricity would course through my brain and body until, intentionally or involuntarily, I would have to move my body in ways that were often violent and sort of odd in the sense that I normally don't move that way. A couple of times I felt I might pull a muscle or in some other way injure myself.

100% agree and relate. It would happen to my head, arms, hips, etc. I also felt like I would injure myself somehow...when I was in detox I begged all the attendants for something - anything to help, most of them were clueless and had no answers except to deal with it, one of the nurses swore by epsom salt baths. They do work for like an hour of relief, then it comes back...so its like every 1 hour I was drowning myself in epsom salts. That and hot flashes for me are the WORST and scariest things ever, and the depression/anxiety and suicidal thoughts have kept me from ever fully quitting

 

[opiatekrzy]

I get restless leg and feeling in my stomach causing the shits and anxiety with irrational thoughts cravings. opiates mostly had mental obsession after 3 weeks feeling normal. benzo withdrawl with phenocarb for 3 days ,lasted 30 days, from restless leg, restless all over every inch of ur body, intense anxiety, headaches..emotional dreams I never would have occured

 

[methkite]

For me this is day two no dope. It's going a lot better than I thought(with the help of addy script and a few zannies) I was clean for three months, then got back home and fell back into it again. So about two steady months of daily brown. Now its day 2, still feel like shit. But much better than I did. Has anyone else tried weening off with amps, benzos, and very little pot? The urge to redose is unreal though. I am so thankful to have these meds even though they are running dry really fast, the PAWS are going to be a nightmare when all my comforts run dry, and they surely will. But as for kicking dope I think its a nice combo. I appologize if your kicking and you dont have comforts, but you know what you gotta do to feel better, its just having the strength not to give up. But anyway anyone tried the amp+benzo/pot route?

 

[legalizeall]

I'm fortunate that I haven't gotten back in to it fully. I really want to make sure that this time doesn't lead to a next time. The thing about meetings is that I've kept my addiction really well hid. My wife knows and is mostly supportive of me quitting, although I haven't told her about the chipping. Probably won't. But if I go to meetings I risk being recognized, and I'm not sure how that might effect my work. I run a restaurant, and I really don't want the employees, or especially the owner, to know I'm a drug addict. My addiction lasted only six months and I never used a needle, so I'm fairly confident I can get back to a normal life and put this all in a very private closet.

I agree and very smart relative to your situation sir. Some things just dont need to be out in the open esp if my harm then good will come of it. Good luck and keep that confidence strong.

If you go to a meeting and someone you know recognizes you, it shouldn't be an issue. They are there for the same reason right? If anything, they will respect you for having the conviction to get help and support.

You are right there is that it shouldn't be an issue along with the whole anonymity thing. But the only problem with that situation is that humans are involved.

 

[Rewster451]

I'm so riding on the razor's edge.

I still keep succumbing to my cravings every three days, when the knowledge that I'm still not PHYSICALLY dependent conspires with my propensity for elaborate justifications and my resolve to stay clean cannot compete. But I used on Thursday, skipped Friday, and when I was supposed to skip Saturday too, I didn't. And then I used tonight...

Now I know I'm going to have some withdrawals, and the strange thing is, I'm kinda looking forward to it. I have three days off work, a quarter ounce of insanely strong couch-lock Indica, tons of fresh fruit for juicing, a new batch of vitamins and minerals I bought today when I realized I was going to use and then have to detox. I also got some valerian root extract and, if it becomes totally necessary, loperamide for my return to work on day four. I also have a new pair of ruining shoes and I bought a yoga mat, and some bath salts (for taking a bath, not the kind intended for use as a drug). I feel like the withdrawals serve to remind me what I'm doing and keep me focused. It's just so easy and so tempting to say "fuck it" when everything seems just fine.

I also feel even more driven to succeed in order to become an example for future addicts who will read this as they search bluelight for inspiration when they are terrified that they will never beat heroin. And now I have the knowledge that the hardest part of recovery is not the seven days of shitting, sweating and shaking, it's the five minutes when you can't get it out of your head. It could be a month after your last use, or it could be the first day without withdrawal. I just have to get through that five minutes, every time it happens, forever.

And hey, thanks everybody for all your input. When I look back on this period of my life after months or years clean, I'll remember this community and how helpful and caring you all (we all) are.

Edit

I just realized how teen emo the first and last sentences of that were. For the record, I'm thirty-three.

It's also worth noting that if I had been using like I was, before I kicked the first time, there is no way I could have afforded all the helpers I got for this go around. I'm pretty sure the withdrawals won't be nearly as bad this time anyway but I definitely noticed that each time I used after three days I would get a little bit of diarrhea. I tried to pass it off to myself as a result of a bad diet (briefly after kicking last time I did improve my diet, but that's been slipping too), but I knew. So I'm wanting to be ready for the worst.

After it's over I come armed with the knowledge that one of my weaknesses is that I am addicted to the act of scoring. I don't understand it fully, but I think I like the danger. Something about safely navigating the environment of the dope spot, where everyone is trying to get over somebody and the police presence is sporadic but frighteningly capable. I think I also like the ritual and etiquette of the deal.

I also know from experience what I theorized before, that once addicted to heroin, future casual use is out of the question. And I also know that I will miss heroin, and I am just going to have to deal with that.

 

[Rewster451]

I was wrong. The withdrawals are worse this time. After only four days continuous use... Well.

I won't underestimate that again. I managed to keep my job and now I'm on day five feeling generally awful but ambulatory. I'm gonna get through it and this time I'm just gonna stay clean. It's not even worth it. Weed gets me high without all this bull. I remember I felt like I deserved something stronger than weed because I'd been working so hard, but I realize now that heroin is not a good option. But you know what is stronger than weed that will work for me?

More weed.

 

[Chrizmarie]

I was a week clean n two days ago gave in n did 2 bags I'm not feeling terrible yet but really want to stay clean this time if you have a bf who still uses what do you do? It's very hard for me to even talk to him knowing he's not ready ... Besides that my only problem is not being able to sleep n leg cramps any suggestions??

 

[phactor]

I was a week clean n two days ago gave in n did 2 bags I'm not feeling terrible yet but really want to stay clean this time if you have a bf who still uses what do you do? It's very hard for me to even talk to him knowing he's not ready ... Besides that my only problem is not being able to sleep n leg cramps any suggestions??

I recommended this in another of your threads, but if you have a place to go stay for at least a few days where people will support you and let you figure things out then I would go there. You don't have to tell him or anything. Try NA/AA or SMART and/or therapy as well.

Google: "AVRT" or "Rational Recovery" if you aren't into the whole AA thing... it is a much better approach I'd say then the whole powerless/I'm weak and can't do this approach of AA..... Good luck

AVRT or Rational Recovery are fine if that is your thing, but "I'm Weak" is far from the concept of powerlessness that NA/AA describes in the first step. Its not a competition, its about what works for the individual.