Yes, you have been useful, and I have to say, I'm bipolar I, that's why I think of unorthodox manners of helping myself, because SSRI's throw me into mania and if somebody does or say something I don't like I'll lose any feeling of inhibition or fear and respond aggressively and even violently (I spat on an ex girlfriend saying she disgusted me for 20 minutes and then she punched me on the temple, her little girlie punches made me laugh away and tell her come on do it again, you want to kill me, come on punch the life out of me and after 9 punches I started to feel mild concussion syndromes and I snapped, held her against the wall, did not hit her just told her to stop now because we were going stupid there and that I had her live with me as a favour, I didn't need her to live with me. This happened a long time ago, but I remember how also when at 20mg of Paxil a day I could not sleep not eat, not have any emotions and do an extremely repetitive boring night job that paid well, but I just can't do physical, repeating, non-mind stimulating job, but my parents that summer tried to get rid of me and force-emancipate me, so my dad illegally had my mom send him back through online backing my pension which are to me and my brother, my mom does not get any pension from my dad until my dad retires. And my mom complied, her dad brought us a fridge and oven, my dad refused to even bring me a bed base where you stick your mattress in...
Anyway I don't wanna go over all this again, but I need something atypical because SSRI's don't work, some TCA's work, like the one I got a script for (Trimipramine), mostly its used as a sleep med, at the lowest dose of 12.5mg (they go up to 100mg) and yeah, I do feel in a better mood without all the SSRI-like side effects, but I also feel a strange "serotonin" sensation, I guess I just had a bit too many psychedelics in my life only had real MDMA, as pills or crystal 8-10 times. I wish everyone just acted like they did while we are on MDMA though...people become clean slates of empathy. Sigh. I'll think about it re:ketamine, it is kinda expensive and I'm likely better served by just having a better rx regarding my benzos and just that would help a hell lot, I'm the kind of people who never had any sort of loss of consciousness except if it's to sleep right then and now with hypnotic benzo and z-drugs, zaleplon my favourite one not being marketed by anyone right now in this country, it was on the market as Starnoc for 2 years and then poof, now only can be obtained through a compound pharmacy.
Anyway, thanks for the info, if I end up buying the vials, which I find really underdosed, 5mg, really? I saw friends using K recreationally shooting up 75mg at the very least, I did not try it when my main guy had it, back then I was getting that powder pcp and a couple lines was enough to feel really awesome and not too high with an extreme confidence, I remember a girl I hung out with for a whole summer, we only had sex once, and since I didn't have condoms we did go all the way but I had gotten her...pretty randy lets say, and honestly I have to say despite her being a small little thing, she fit me like a glove compared to a lot of others who complain of even pain when going all the way...I'd say exactly what I mean but it would sound crude here. Keeping this little woman in my life would have destroyed any anxiety, but then I had to move away for my new college several hours away and how funny that I've actually helped her with what I told her, she was the one going hardcore on meth pills and powder pcp and I gauged her intake etc. and it turns out she finished her grade 10-11-12 in adult school in a year 1/2 as she sobered up and even gave up weed and I like to think she saw me as some kind of role model, she's gota BSc. in Chemical Engineering now, the second program I took that I didn't finish (2 years only and the 4th semester I crapped out big time). I got to let go of so many things and I remember, if ketamine, which should, is anything similar to a low-medium dose of carefully weighted and cut (lactose) pcp powder, I emptied a pool table twice in a row in front of her and she was saying "are you going to let me play?" and of course I wanted her to be as bored as possible as punishment to cock block me after the one time I pulled out and that glove of love of hers which was the best I ever put my "hand" in, her on all four, I had something I though would never happen to me and was scared to get her pregnant, I remember I just said "this ain't safe" and i finished her another way. She constantly IM's me although she is with the same dude she got with 2-3 months after I left town for the dorm in the college I was switching to, so I respond as minimally as possible, always paranoid its gonna be the guy, he has no issue with me being her ex bf, but yeah, things are messing with my health and my mind, and I have very slow cycling bipolar I so mood stabilizers and antipsychotics are not needed at all, the latter, only ever found use for it as a sleep aid witht he tiny 25mg ones when in trouble (when out of benzos at all, speaking of seroquel 25mg).
Because if Ketamine could work as a kind of "switch off" on the nostalgia or things that could have been and things that happened that bothered me, massively disrupted my life or even one thing that caused me some kind of trauma after my parents divorced I had one year ½ of quiet after about 6-7 years of them constantly arguing loudly, violently, yes, it happens in upper middle class families too, not just like Kenny's parents in South Park/stereotype of poor people. My richest friend had a very very rich lawyer as a dad, yet kept a rather modest sized house in a normal neighbourhood, although that basement and the sound proof play room that became our band practice space later on...but I know about 50% of the truth, but I know his mom almost chop-chopped his dad and they together made over 400k a year. The one big thing they had was that houseboat, but that's piloted on top, thing was worth a million and such when they bought it, custom made. Anyway enough of saying how, hell probably very rich people have more fucked up unhappy lives than a regular middle class (where that class is not filled and there's no space for newcomers like in the US).
I remember how DXM and PCP made me want to do something, PCP more so because, one, please understand that this very very cut with lactose with powder pcp sold as "mess" in eastern canada...it's not like smoking an unknown amount of maybe pure pcp (if liquid, it's likely pure if the real thing), the very bad trips some people read here or on Erowid say, they don't really apply to the way pcp is distributed in the eastern part of Canada, say from the Ontario border towns with Quebec to Newfoundland and south to Nova Scotia, likely only the very likely boring as hell life of people who live on PEI, they likely have nothing but a little weed there on the "market". I remember how it and dxm in a small low 2nd plateau dose would make me proactive and never constantly think of past mistakes and people I miss but cannot see (they live elsewhere far away now, they're with their gf/bf in that kind of bubble me and my gf detest, the friends I do see are also friends with my gf (and just friends), I don't pretend the world doesn't exist and disappear with a Succubus. If ketamine can numb all the resentment and also nostalgia I have, if it works at doses of say 10mg IV for this sort of melancholic depression I guess? I think that's an actual diagnosis right?
