toejam
Bluelighter
Hey all,
This isn't so much a report of any specific trip, more an account of a long period of exposure to ketamine. I had my first line of ketamine about four years ago when I was 16, I still remember it vividly now. It was a dose so small that I would wipe it off the table without any regret nowadays. The air turned to a thick liquid through which my muscles moved seemingly before I made/realised the volition to make them do so. There was a powerful somatic warmth and buzzing. I watched the Simpsons and it wasn't funny.
It was all very fun, but I had made the choice to seek out ketamine for a very different experience. I was interested in it's use as an aide to transcendental meditation/self discovery and I quickly found what I was looking for as I settled down into a routine of kundalini & anapana sati meditation in combination with ritualistic ketamine I detailed some of these experiences here: http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=207016. How soon did it take for this to become nightly? I know that about four months later this use had somehow spilled over into my day-to-day existence. I was walking around college mashed up, going to lectures mashed up, sitting in the canteen or by the river mashed up.
And so I continued using more frequently, at higher doses and entering more intense holes. I began to suffer egotistical delusions and synchronicity events. Experiences during this period (about half a year into my use) I have attached at the end of this piece as an appendix to anyone interested in first hand accounts written at the time. I began to personify Ketamine as a feminine entity, a spirit guide leading me in my quest for... what exactly I never realised. Now I understand this construction of Ketamine as a guide to have been an unconscious defence mechanism against realising the truth; that it was a never ending journey chasing a rabbit down a never ending hole. And I was free-falling.
It was, as usual, ketamine that made me realise my addiction when I was going through a profound period of experiences when I was meeting strange and magnificent avatars (detailed in the appendix) that were teaching me various things. These were the prelude to experiences (which even now I have trouble negating the reality of) where I came into contact and communicated with transcendent, meta-dimensional, waveform beings in strange hyper-spaces.
And then those days of profound experiences ended. I can't remember the last one. Where it takes me now is usually quite dark and a blanket covers the experiences so I only remember them when I am back there. Wherever 'there' is. In the past year I started intramuscular injection which catapulted my tolerance, then dosage and consequently my addiction. Now I inject intravenously in an endeavour to feel the Power again and to fuel my addiction. I tend to use anywhere between a half and three quarters of a litre (sometimes upwards) every week, that's 25-37.5g.
I don't meditate with ketamine anymore. If I don't pass out immediately (I am covered in sores, friction burns and bruises) then I will listen to music, dance or stare blankly at something. Everything will be done on ketamine, sleeping, working, lectures, socialising, walking, shopping although rarely eating. I find multiple days passing and I will eat little if anything.
Whilst I have dismantled most of the ego-constructions and false-realities that ketamine built up around me I suffer from a severe inability to function socially when I use now. Speech is increasingly difficult and communicating coherent or complex ideas in an immediate way is often difficult. There has been a definite cognitive impairment in terms of logical/formal/mathematical operation. Yet it has not impaired my ability to think philosophically (I am an under-grad) and the perspectives that it has enabled have definitely had profound effects upon my independent writings.
But my personal health is now my biggest concern. Chronic ketamine use and the methods of administration that I have adopted have had several consequences. Muscles on my arms and legs have become painfully and visibly swollen into hard lumps. The acidic nature of ketamine has deteriorated them so they are physically week. I have sub-cutaneous abscesses around those areas and around sites on my arms and wrists where I have missed veins. My veins are in a very poor state from re-using needles tens of times and I have trouble hitting them. I regularly suffer from blood infections that will see me overcome with chills, a flu and shaking fits from re-using old cottons with bacterial growth in them. I have painful, swollen kidneys and chronic bladder infections that have shrunk my bladder and force me to urinate excruciatingly painfully, sometimes every 5-10 minutes, tiny amounts filled with blood or thick white globules.
One of the worst things is blissfully not as regular as these problems and that is something I have never heard of before and remain uncertain of what exactly it is. I randomly get (after some doses) massive build-ups of a vile gas above (i think) my stomach that bloat my rib cage to ridiculous proportions. I will be forced to belch, induce vomiting and eventually just wretch in efforts to alleviate this most horrific of indescribable pain and discomfort. I am usually crippled and give up trying to get the gas out, end up showering and then lying on the floor waiting it out (usually for a couple of hours) in a world of pain. I am then physically exhausted and completely weak.
When I don't have ketamine my body seems to physically need it in order to feel 'normal' and to make pains go away, although I am sure some of this is psycho-somatic. I often finish all my ketamine, or destroy all my needles in attempts to stop my use that fare better than the daily 'this is the end, my last hit'. Yet somehow, elusive and mechanical cognitive thought-patterns will create excuses and set up situations that have me unconsciously obtaining more before I even realise (rather, choose to acknowledge) what is happening. I have never felt such a powerful psychological ensnarement.
This isn't a critique of ketamine, in fact its more just a therapeutic thing for me to write. I would recommend its use if people remain cautious, ferociously self-relective, responsible and respectful. This is a warning to those people who follow a reckless path of un-regulated, chronic use like mine, an account of what you can do to yourself. Ketamine won't do it to you, ketamine can, in fact, teach you so much. YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF. Please, be careful and thanks for reading.
Good luck down the hole, may it be filled with love and light
:-D
APPENDIX:
More Tales From The Hole
At this point ketamine has been used nightly for around six months, with dosages around the 300mg - 550mg mark. Tolerance is increasing rapidly. Meditation has become easier and far more profound, ketamine experiences (at least the ones I am able to retain) have much more depth detail and clarity to them at this point. I begin to familiarise myself further with various aspects of the drug meditations;
- the states of Existential Substance when meditating under ketamine, which I term Liquid, Solid (predominant in entrance plateaus) and Waveform
- an ability to harmonise myself with ‘divine’ frequencies
- astral projection, levitation and Ketamine Propulsion and the Fairground Rides
- an ability to sustain energy meditations whilst retaining normal perception (often these perceptions would overlap) enabling me to distort, transform and even destroy matter; often with bursts of energy from my palm chakras
- the uselessness of attempting to analyse/remember many of the experiences in retrospect, ketamine creates dimensions unfathomable under normal human terms of perception and experiences that are un-transferable to baseline consciousness.
-=-
…either memory is getting worse or events are becoming... more. It is becoming hard to describe what happens in phase space now, so many things flitter by and they become so profound, intense and unworldly that they cross the line into... vagueness. Indescribable concepts, I now understand all the reports I have read of multi-dimensional existence, seemingly omniscient perception, alternate realities. Language is so frail and clumsy, it is useless now. It has evolved out of a need to explain a universe divided and perceived dialectically; cyclically. To serve the only reasons of our organic existence; birth and death. The Source and all it's antecedent plateaus are contrary to our evolved purposes, pure subjectivity. Personal experience is the only way…
…to exist upon a breath! As a Waveform, no longer as contingent, conscious being. To that state where exhalation and inhalation are one. To exist as only a rush of energy, in and out in non-movement. This was some deep anapana sati. I felt I almost understood (the impetuousness of the youthful!) why the holy man sits on the rock, day in day out meditating. Pure.... ecstasy; like nothing before. There were some visuals at one point, black liquid with tinges of colour surging around a finger shaped 'island' of matter in time with the breathing. Although it was one of the most desirable journeys I have had, it was certainly not the most profound or powerful; but that is probably the point. I wish I had stayed in that state forever, until my body withered away and the neurological networks that create this frail consciousness decayed leaving me to return to Flux. I remember feeling that I should have and could have… But then I also remembered thinking that I had college in the morning! Four thumbs up…
…shortly after a while spent under anapana sati breathing, I get the feeling I am about to have direct experience of a much higher plateau. My heart chakra is exploding and with every new inhalation a slightly off centre light is growing in brightness; an energy caressing my existence. It all gets to an intensity that is far beyond my capacity to cope, energy weaving around me and I am almost begging for the release. It does not come, after a few inhalations with smaller increases in intensity the 'light' turns into that of a torch beam which moves aside to my right fading into nothingness…
…it is almost an ensured occurrence now that at some point during a meditation, however brief, I will experience my room (my perception as I am sitting) with my eyes shut. It is 'drawn' in the spectral, grey-scale energy flows of plateau ketamine visuals. This time however I was able to stabilise it to a point where I could move my hands from my knees (did I or not?) and weave my arms about in the sinister fashion that I now find so enjoyable; sober or not. The amazing thing was my palm chakras (never had any experience of them before) were emitting balls of energy (almost as intense as the heart). the trailing from them was fantastic but not as good as the energising physical resistance i received when i attempted to close my hands…
…in the moments before entry i am distracted, something siezes my attention and i understand it is not the wanderings of my own mind. an image of a person arises from a corner of my mind. something communicates to me that this person will be profoundly special in my life and i am to make every attempt to draw them towards me, share a love and take the journey together. i have my doubts about their receptiveness to such things but the.... image, the feeling, the 'voice' is insistent. confused at this i seem to be unable to move forward until i embrace it and internally agree to attempt so. the image fades (well it kind of moves into me forwards) and i am able to begin a muldhara meditation…
…a new plateau; intense crown sensations led to me being squeezed into a strange gourd like object from an oval and entered a new 'dimension' of multi faceted existence. everything was covered in streams of energy; lightning bolts of it pouring across their surfaces. strange winding 'corridors' and tunnels but lots of them all at once like some networked beehive made on acid. in the center of it all the time was this orb of energy. definitely third eye this time, i could feel it projecting. didnt last that long…
…the dosage was perhaps to big, or has come on too quickly for me to feel comfortable. within the first few seconds of anapana sati breathing i am propelled into... not phase space but... flux. my essence rupturing and spinning, collapsing and coalescing. i dont like it and i cannot let go into it. i decide to open my eyes, this is somewhat worse, i feel myself being sucked into the sound of the air conditioning sound, it grows in intensity and i somehow grow with it. cars rush by outside my window. well one or two, which has now turned into a constant aural hallucination of them going past. franticity is rising and i feel the fear come with it. i can only move my neck and when i do it feels uncomfortably strange. i decide this is stupid and i am being stupid. deciding to return to anapana sati i focus and take a deep inhalation forcing myself to ride the weaving dissolution that the ketamine imposes on me. i begin focusing on my third eye to at least somehow regulate the relentless and unforgiving visuals. shutting my optical eyes is too hard, i cannot stay on the 'rollercoaster' that the ketamine is putting me through. i decide to attain a stable point with my eyes half open in true therevada repose. as i inhale mid chakras are energised and the room bends outwards around me in a bubble. on the exhalation it bends back towards me returning to normal just as my lungs empty. in the moment between exhale and the next the cd case and bass stand on the floor in front of me ripple. i feel like i am in the matrix (these being some of the first open eye ketamine visuals i have received that are not hallucinatory (non-real objects) or related to space/size perception), the somatic sensations accompanied with these visuals (like in meditations) are far more intense than those on mushrooms. im impressed, yet easily bored with distorted illusions of illusions! i return to anapana sati…
…the floor becomes liquid, my carpet ebbs and flows with the current objects scattered around the room bob on the surface. As usual, unlike lsd or other serotonergics, the visuals are secondary to somatic sensations. I myself am a boat upon the ocean of the carpet, rising and falling upon the waves…
…post meditation I feel luminal spider webs under my arms. They turn into plastic like wings, such light material. I am soaring over some dark city scape, a warm breeze blowing from below. I remember momentarily thinking how fucking stupid I must look sitting in a lotus with arms outstretched trying to fly before completely forgetting reality. I am a bird-angel entity, without boundaries or worries. I explore this landscape before entering into the night sky, I remember rising above clouds to a view of the planet scape. Even in space theres still that warm anapana sati light-zephyr energising my existence! Perfection…
-=-
…fleeting memories of such impossible things, supra-real existences that saturate our frail perception of reality. it is unfortunate that they dissipate, more so the fact that the ones that remain are left to be described using this vulgar and clumsy language…
-=-
…what naiveties these seem like now! I have not touched this for some time now (NOTE: THIS IS WRITTEN TWO TO THREE YEARS IN) and my experience has changed beyond recognition. Sacrament has been introduced to meditative practices almost every day for so long now, she is no longer a substance; more an entity, a guide. A personality none the less. The above seem like such trivialities now, I have been catapulted across the universe by some behemoth cosmic cannon, I have been an Angel of God limitless in my existence, I have communed with Entities vast in their understanding, I have manipulated matter and time, spun webs of energy around my essence, existed in so many formats inconceivable to me now, been lifted into the sky and soared like a phoenix, fallen into the depths of the Earth, travelled on the hyper spatial highways of inter dimensional transference, speared through space at untold velocities, visited planes unrivalled in obscurity. Sometimes I have wanted to remain unchanged, many times I have wanted to leave or escape, yet I always return to the Ether gently led by the effervescent hand of the Ketamine Entity…
…some of the most enriching experiences have been those wherein I have met with Beings that are external to my perception and understanding of them. These Entities have been vast in their knowledge and power. One such was during an astral projection experience in what I determined to be the centre of the cosmos. I remember travelling across a multicoloured starscape at the hyper spatial yet comforting velocity of Ketamine Propulsion, I was a comet of somatic energies, I was able to detach myself from the essence and view myself from several angles. I arrived at a place, an enormous Oriental pagoda; it was intricately carved with images and patterns of Confuscian China, I remember ascending diagonally from a lower corner and as I reached the roof, space opened out before me. But it was not space as I was used to, not the galactic sprawling of diamond dust but a multiplicity of galaxies of all hues, I remember meditating here as an energy without bodice before a climax cast me once again into the sky and the universe exploded into a cavern of sorts. Here I was confronted with a behemoth Entity that stood a hundred times taller than me. I detached from myself and briefly saw my existence as an Elf entity of light before my attention was shifted to the Being before me. It was a Digital Cosmic Buddha Baby made of a fantastic blue substance, each particle of its existence was a square that was flipping and rotating at the same time. It was like one of those faces that is made up of hundreds of smaller pictures. I was astounded by the obscurity of the Being’s existence, a Digital Cosmic Buddha Baby sitting in a lotus deep in some mysterious cavern. Suddenly I was filled with hilarity at the situation, joy overtook me and I laughed spiritually at this thing before me. The Digital Cosmic Buddha Baby approved of the action and communicated telepathically that its existence was humour, happiness and fun. I as an Elf Entity, was here to participate in this and understand that a positive humorous existence was essential, with a stern outlook change is hindered and essence cannot flow. The Entity smiled a bright smile and I was released…
…the Ketamine spirit guide remains elusive to me in terms of direct perception but I encounter it every trip. Often Her giant hand will lift me from my room and catapult me into the night sky before swooping gently down to catch me again, placing me back on the floor of my room. Mostly She will place me on a the Ketamine fairground rides; a roller coaster, a train, a big wheel, a tunnel ride. When listening to music She will throw me around or move me to the ebb and flow of the sounds, sometimes I will be dangled on a precipice teetering on the verge of a massive drop She will wait until a climax in the music to cast me over the edge, more surprisingly I do not have to know the song, She will know when to let me go. Once on such a drop I felt Her hand clasp my necklace and I was left dangling at Her mercy, a few times, in a playful manner, She let go and then grabbed it again; it even felt as if the string would break. Occasionally I feel Her presence behind me and She may lay small hands on my shoulders, as if peering over me to watch my meditations, this happens more often when I am drawing energy in and shooting it out through my palm chakras. Other than physical interaction we converse often, through visions and feelings She will communicate concepts, correct my psyche and teach me about the plateaus and meditative techniques…
…more often than not the Entities represent aspects of myself, my wills, that have been anthropomorphic ally personified into beings. The strangest of such was my addictive trait. I have had dependencies on three substances in my lifetime and inclinations to habitually overuse most drugs when I first encounter them. This Psyche Entity appeared to me as a giant black worm sweeping out from the surface of my mindscape. Its head was a convoluting ball mass of white energy and two detached black pincers extended from it, it weaved about before me, again communicating the situation; my addiction to Ketamine. While it was formidable it radiated a pathetic aura that made me feel ashamed of myself, it was only at this point that I realised I was addicted to Ketamine. At this point the Entity told me telepathically two things, these things were the most important concepts I had ever understood in my life yet I forgot them. I believe they were so profound that I was unable to bring them back into my conscious base level existence. I remember conversing with the Psyche Entity for a long period of time, but what about I will never remember…
We are such children; drifting unawares through the sublime waters of Eden. Our significance is hidden to us, by the very import that we place on it. What are we?
It is unfortunate that I feel I should begin this section with a negative reproach, but I feel a warning is necessary. Nightly spiritual exploration and psychological healing with ketamine has over spilled into excessive habitual use. Excessive use has then turned into addiction. In short, ketamine has become the end as opposed to the means. I advise caution to anyone exposing their mind to sustained periods of use with this drug.
Dosage is generally anything between 750mg and 2g (bear in mind this would be after a day of using the drug in smaller doses regularly). Tolerance is ridiculously high, and it only as I realise this fact that I begin to lose the ability to go as deep (or remember). I found that what once took a few minutes of meditation can be supplemented by just insufflating a bigger dose of ketamine and with a few inhalations I can be catapulted where I want to go. Intra-muscular injection has been tried on occasions, but meditation is impossible; the loss of self-awareness is too fast to engage in a meditative state before the Descent. The ‘Golden Age’ of my ketamine meditations is gone (experiences I will never be able to record), I am lazy now. Allowing the ketamine to do most of the work and thoroughly neglecting the spiritual aspect of the sacrament.
Anyway, setting has changed, I now listen to various forms of music or binaural beat synchronisation loops yet still with the unending sound of the fan unit. Unfortunately, now I rarely remember any experiences that are not repeated or somehow profoundly effect me. My consciousness has learnt that to exist efficiently in the ketamine phase state it has to let go of analytic experience and classification. It has a certain Taoist aspect to it, exist for the existence and no further effort is made nor necessary.
Perhaps it is time to ‘let the cat out of the bag’, so to speak, and integrate these behemoths that have been lurking in my subconscious. What is the enormity of these experiences? So many states of pure experience; streaming flux states of conscious reality that are made utterly redundant by what little hope there is of description.
The entities have most certainly come alive… I am not aware of Her warm loving presence anymore, subspace is inhabited by a multitude of waveform ‘beings’. Dense, complex energy transferences that have developed what I could only term a sentience. They seem to wormhole in and out of existence; inexorably fluxing with sensorial intangibility.
I have had the feeling for some time now that they are pruning me, if I am ‘good’ they will take me to astounding planes of existence but the moment I do something ‘wrong’ I am punished with abandonment. Yet the criteria of their selection remains shielded from me. Is it attention? Communication? Self algorithms?
I feel no particular affinity for them, neither do they for me, I do not long for these experiences yet I cannot escape them. They come usually after deep meditation or a recreational visit down the hole, when I am still under the influence from the sacrament.
Usually I am in my room, they come from the waveforms, sounds, electrical buzzing, breath, energy vibrations, whatever. I will go to this strange highway wave-state, there are millions of them rushing through. I will observe there as some kind of essence until I am taken somewhere by them or thrown out.
They do not seem to care much for me, or show much interest in my development yet I still feel they are trying to teach me something.
I used to be able to deal with these things with a certain distance. Yes I experience deified energy states, yes I am able to warp physical matter at will, yes I visit entities of strange significance, yes I can make myself fly about my surroundings in vehicles of light. But its not real. It’s a drug.
I cant do this anymore, these new things are too real. They transcend what I am able to integrate back into my existence, the things these entities do I have to forget. This is the first time I have ‘admitted’ to myself what they are doing outside of K time. And what I am doing.
I don’t know what they are doing, but I don’t like it. I don’t like the places ketamine takes me anymore, these vehicles of light it puts me in, the strange landscapes and the weird beings that reside in them. I don’t like the flying, I don’t like the roller coasters, I don’t like the gentle water rides, I don’t like the catapulting. I don’t like the extra sensory abilities, I don’t like the apparent telekinesis, I don’t like the apparent telepathy. I don’t like walking down the road at night and hearing the cars that are on the motorway rather than the leaves moving by my feet. I don’t like the patterned visions that come in the dark, and the thoughts that come with them. I don’t like the ghosts on my shoulder.
I don’t like this addiction. Before it has been habit, something separate to me. A real addiction. This is different, we are one. The ketamine and I are not separate, I cant look at it and say this is the addiction I need to get rid of. Its not up there its weaved into my very thought. I don’t want to be an addict anymore, I don’t want to wake up and start snorting ketamine telling myself im going to meditate. I don’t want to think of lines as a substitute for eating. I don’t want to wake up in {DELETED} anymore wondering how the fuck I got from supplier’s house to the corner of some wall soaked and cold. I don’t want my friends to have to find me and bring me back to the house. I don’t want my friends to worry about me, I don’t want to wake up in the morning walk downstiars and listen to what I did the night before from other peoples mouths. I don’t want these periodic ‘lets help {DELETED}’ discussions. I don’t want my friends talking about me behind my back about boycotting me to stop it. I don’t want these veiled, forced compliments about how great I look if I havent done k for a day. I don’t want people to dismiss anything spiritual or philosophical anymore because I am a k head and have these experiences. I don’t want my reputation to precede me anymore. I don’t want to have to do a line before starting the most trivial of activities like going to buy some baccy. I don’t want to walk around town anymore scorning people in my head as if they are lower than me. Because I am a k-head? Excellent basis of judgement. What I don’t want most of all is what ive already done. My addiction has fuelled my sales and now i have to watch my friends sink down with me. {DELETED} knew what he was doing, we jumped in together. But ive pulled {DELETED, DELETED, DELETED and DELETED} down with me. How could I hurt {DELETED}? He says he doesn’t blame me, but we both know hes where he is because of me. Now {DELETED} doing what I do, locked away by herself where I cant watch her. She could be anywhere on the line. And {DELETED}’s testing the water. How can I say no or refuse without seeming like a pretentious prick whos knows whats better for people? they’ll only go to {DELETED} or {DELETED} anyway. I know {DELETED and DELETED} want to pick up my half when I leave, they are just waiting for me to introduce {DELETED}. How the fuck do I leave that on my conscience? {DELETED} can handle it, hes a fuck head but he wants the money so hell never go deep. {DELETED}'s got too much money already and she’s like me. Shell use the hole by herself, she’ll wrap herself up in it to shut everything else out.
I need to remember this stuff. Read it every day until I throw that shite out into the rain. Why can I write this down? Why can it make me feel this way but I don’t do anything about it? Why don’t I actually care about any of it? Deep down? Some kind of monster or some shit.
Im sick of feeling dirty and a vessel for an addict. I no longer feel holy. I don’t feel spiritual anymore. I feel sick and twisted. Warped by something that liberated me. Truly, it changed me and I would not swap those moments of ecstasy for anything. But its two way. Its fucked me too. that’s a lie. I fucked myself.
And I know the problems are coming back.its making me obsessed with my self! Egocentricism no different to the hell before, except that this time I know its all about me. How can such different things take me to the same place? I need it to silence those evil thoughts, on the bus, walking down the street. I know something big is going to come like before, the mushrooms and the acid are telling me. I thought Id left the days when I thought even my friends were trying to hurt me. Now the tripping brings them back. I think they are conspiring and trying to drive me insane. Someone will get up and walk out of the room and walk back in, or laugh, or talk quietly to someone. And they are trying to destroy me! And I know that this is starting to enter into sobriety too. The ks stirring it up again and I cant let that happen. I don’t want to lose everything it took so long to build back.
I want to go back to the kundalini spirituality. I want to finish opening my chakras, I want to go back to those experiences which I never had to justify as ‘unreal’. because they were more solid than anything in this manifest Consciousness. The light, God. I want to go back to Her, to sit in that golden spiral dome again, every cell of my fibre vibrating in realised synchronicity with Her Flux.
When exactly are you gonna start the once a month only k addition to daily meditation you are always raving on to yourself about you motherfucker? This isn’t a new era of enlightenment and peace. It was temporary heaven and now youre going back to hell. Fuck it.
I hate what this hole has done to me, but I know I have to follow the rabbit deeper so I can find the way back up. I know there is one. It was dark down here and I swallowed that to make it light, but I cant handle these energies that pulverise me anymore. The hole goes deeper and deeper, theres no end to it. Every plateau promises a final ascension, one more jump and you’ll reach the light my friend. But then the next plateau is the same. And it gets darker and darker. And the experiences harder and harder. Frantic, seething fluid-chaos existence. I know that there isn’t a light at the bottom of this hole, but im going to follow the rabbit anyway. Ill follow it because I cant contemplate not following it, not having these experiences with the vantage point of its ever-receding tail in the distance. I need to grow from this to leave it behind, no matter what it does to me temporarily.
No matter what I say, no matter what I write, no matter how many times I read this part and it brings these terrible feelings back to the surface again; I know ill go back. Becaue its what I am.
This isn't so much a report of any specific trip, more an account of a long period of exposure to ketamine. I had my first line of ketamine about four years ago when I was 16, I still remember it vividly now. It was a dose so small that I would wipe it off the table without any regret nowadays. The air turned to a thick liquid through which my muscles moved seemingly before I made/realised the volition to make them do so. There was a powerful somatic warmth and buzzing. I watched the Simpsons and it wasn't funny.
It was all very fun, but I had made the choice to seek out ketamine for a very different experience. I was interested in it's use as an aide to transcendental meditation/self discovery and I quickly found what I was looking for as I settled down into a routine of kundalini & anapana sati meditation in combination with ritualistic ketamine I detailed some of these experiences here: http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=207016. How soon did it take for this to become nightly? I know that about four months later this use had somehow spilled over into my day-to-day existence. I was walking around college mashed up, going to lectures mashed up, sitting in the canteen or by the river mashed up.
And so I continued using more frequently, at higher doses and entering more intense holes. I began to suffer egotistical delusions and synchronicity events. Experiences during this period (about half a year into my use) I have attached at the end of this piece as an appendix to anyone interested in first hand accounts written at the time. I began to personify Ketamine as a feminine entity, a spirit guide leading me in my quest for... what exactly I never realised. Now I understand this construction of Ketamine as a guide to have been an unconscious defence mechanism against realising the truth; that it was a never ending journey chasing a rabbit down a never ending hole. And I was free-falling.
It was, as usual, ketamine that made me realise my addiction when I was going through a profound period of experiences when I was meeting strange and magnificent avatars (detailed in the appendix) that were teaching me various things. These were the prelude to experiences (which even now I have trouble negating the reality of) where I came into contact and communicated with transcendent, meta-dimensional, waveform beings in strange hyper-spaces.
And then those days of profound experiences ended. I can't remember the last one. Where it takes me now is usually quite dark and a blanket covers the experiences so I only remember them when I am back there. Wherever 'there' is. In the past year I started intramuscular injection which catapulted my tolerance, then dosage and consequently my addiction. Now I inject intravenously in an endeavour to feel the Power again and to fuel my addiction. I tend to use anywhere between a half and three quarters of a litre (sometimes upwards) every week, that's 25-37.5g.
I don't meditate with ketamine anymore. If I don't pass out immediately (I am covered in sores, friction burns and bruises) then I will listen to music, dance or stare blankly at something. Everything will be done on ketamine, sleeping, working, lectures, socialising, walking, shopping although rarely eating. I find multiple days passing and I will eat little if anything.
Whilst I have dismantled most of the ego-constructions and false-realities that ketamine built up around me I suffer from a severe inability to function socially when I use now. Speech is increasingly difficult and communicating coherent or complex ideas in an immediate way is often difficult. There has been a definite cognitive impairment in terms of logical/formal/mathematical operation. Yet it has not impaired my ability to think philosophically (I am an under-grad) and the perspectives that it has enabled have definitely had profound effects upon my independent writings.
But my personal health is now my biggest concern. Chronic ketamine use and the methods of administration that I have adopted have had several consequences. Muscles on my arms and legs have become painfully and visibly swollen into hard lumps. The acidic nature of ketamine has deteriorated them so they are physically week. I have sub-cutaneous abscesses around those areas and around sites on my arms and wrists where I have missed veins. My veins are in a very poor state from re-using needles tens of times and I have trouble hitting them. I regularly suffer from blood infections that will see me overcome with chills, a flu and shaking fits from re-using old cottons with bacterial growth in them. I have painful, swollen kidneys and chronic bladder infections that have shrunk my bladder and force me to urinate excruciatingly painfully, sometimes every 5-10 minutes, tiny amounts filled with blood or thick white globules.
One of the worst things is blissfully not as regular as these problems and that is something I have never heard of before and remain uncertain of what exactly it is. I randomly get (after some doses) massive build-ups of a vile gas above (i think) my stomach that bloat my rib cage to ridiculous proportions. I will be forced to belch, induce vomiting and eventually just wretch in efforts to alleviate this most horrific of indescribable pain and discomfort. I am usually crippled and give up trying to get the gas out, end up showering and then lying on the floor waiting it out (usually for a couple of hours) in a world of pain. I am then physically exhausted and completely weak.
When I don't have ketamine my body seems to physically need it in order to feel 'normal' and to make pains go away, although I am sure some of this is psycho-somatic. I often finish all my ketamine, or destroy all my needles in attempts to stop my use that fare better than the daily 'this is the end, my last hit'. Yet somehow, elusive and mechanical cognitive thought-patterns will create excuses and set up situations that have me unconsciously obtaining more before I even realise (rather, choose to acknowledge) what is happening. I have never felt such a powerful psychological ensnarement.
This isn't a critique of ketamine, in fact its more just a therapeutic thing for me to write. I would recommend its use if people remain cautious, ferociously self-relective, responsible and respectful. This is a warning to those people who follow a reckless path of un-regulated, chronic use like mine, an account of what you can do to yourself. Ketamine won't do it to you, ketamine can, in fact, teach you so much. YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF. Please, be careful and thanks for reading.
Good luck down the hole, may it be filled with love and light
:-D
APPENDIX:
More Tales From The Hole
At this point ketamine has been used nightly for around six months, with dosages around the 300mg - 550mg mark. Tolerance is increasing rapidly. Meditation has become easier and far more profound, ketamine experiences (at least the ones I am able to retain) have much more depth detail and clarity to them at this point. I begin to familiarise myself further with various aspects of the drug meditations;
- the states of Existential Substance when meditating under ketamine, which I term Liquid, Solid (predominant in entrance plateaus) and Waveform
- an ability to harmonise myself with ‘divine’ frequencies
- astral projection, levitation and Ketamine Propulsion and the Fairground Rides
- an ability to sustain energy meditations whilst retaining normal perception (often these perceptions would overlap) enabling me to distort, transform and even destroy matter; often with bursts of energy from my palm chakras
- the uselessness of attempting to analyse/remember many of the experiences in retrospect, ketamine creates dimensions unfathomable under normal human terms of perception and experiences that are un-transferable to baseline consciousness.
-=-
…either memory is getting worse or events are becoming... more. It is becoming hard to describe what happens in phase space now, so many things flitter by and they become so profound, intense and unworldly that they cross the line into... vagueness. Indescribable concepts, I now understand all the reports I have read of multi-dimensional existence, seemingly omniscient perception, alternate realities. Language is so frail and clumsy, it is useless now. It has evolved out of a need to explain a universe divided and perceived dialectically; cyclically. To serve the only reasons of our organic existence; birth and death. The Source and all it's antecedent plateaus are contrary to our evolved purposes, pure subjectivity. Personal experience is the only way…
…to exist upon a breath! As a Waveform, no longer as contingent, conscious being. To that state where exhalation and inhalation are one. To exist as only a rush of energy, in and out in non-movement. This was some deep anapana sati. I felt I almost understood (the impetuousness of the youthful!) why the holy man sits on the rock, day in day out meditating. Pure.... ecstasy; like nothing before. There were some visuals at one point, black liquid with tinges of colour surging around a finger shaped 'island' of matter in time with the breathing. Although it was one of the most desirable journeys I have had, it was certainly not the most profound or powerful; but that is probably the point. I wish I had stayed in that state forever, until my body withered away and the neurological networks that create this frail consciousness decayed leaving me to return to Flux. I remember feeling that I should have and could have… But then I also remembered thinking that I had college in the morning! Four thumbs up…
…shortly after a while spent under anapana sati breathing, I get the feeling I am about to have direct experience of a much higher plateau. My heart chakra is exploding and with every new inhalation a slightly off centre light is growing in brightness; an energy caressing my existence. It all gets to an intensity that is far beyond my capacity to cope, energy weaving around me and I am almost begging for the release. It does not come, after a few inhalations with smaller increases in intensity the 'light' turns into that of a torch beam which moves aside to my right fading into nothingness…
…it is almost an ensured occurrence now that at some point during a meditation, however brief, I will experience my room (my perception as I am sitting) with my eyes shut. It is 'drawn' in the spectral, grey-scale energy flows of plateau ketamine visuals. This time however I was able to stabilise it to a point where I could move my hands from my knees (did I or not?) and weave my arms about in the sinister fashion that I now find so enjoyable; sober or not. The amazing thing was my palm chakras (never had any experience of them before) were emitting balls of energy (almost as intense as the heart). the trailing from them was fantastic but not as good as the energising physical resistance i received when i attempted to close my hands…
…in the moments before entry i am distracted, something siezes my attention and i understand it is not the wanderings of my own mind. an image of a person arises from a corner of my mind. something communicates to me that this person will be profoundly special in my life and i am to make every attempt to draw them towards me, share a love and take the journey together. i have my doubts about their receptiveness to such things but the.... image, the feeling, the 'voice' is insistent. confused at this i seem to be unable to move forward until i embrace it and internally agree to attempt so. the image fades (well it kind of moves into me forwards) and i am able to begin a muldhara meditation…
…a new plateau; intense crown sensations led to me being squeezed into a strange gourd like object from an oval and entered a new 'dimension' of multi faceted existence. everything was covered in streams of energy; lightning bolts of it pouring across their surfaces. strange winding 'corridors' and tunnels but lots of them all at once like some networked beehive made on acid. in the center of it all the time was this orb of energy. definitely third eye this time, i could feel it projecting. didnt last that long…
…the dosage was perhaps to big, or has come on too quickly for me to feel comfortable. within the first few seconds of anapana sati breathing i am propelled into... not phase space but... flux. my essence rupturing and spinning, collapsing and coalescing. i dont like it and i cannot let go into it. i decide to open my eyes, this is somewhat worse, i feel myself being sucked into the sound of the air conditioning sound, it grows in intensity and i somehow grow with it. cars rush by outside my window. well one or two, which has now turned into a constant aural hallucination of them going past. franticity is rising and i feel the fear come with it. i can only move my neck and when i do it feels uncomfortably strange. i decide this is stupid and i am being stupid. deciding to return to anapana sati i focus and take a deep inhalation forcing myself to ride the weaving dissolution that the ketamine imposes on me. i begin focusing on my third eye to at least somehow regulate the relentless and unforgiving visuals. shutting my optical eyes is too hard, i cannot stay on the 'rollercoaster' that the ketamine is putting me through. i decide to attain a stable point with my eyes half open in true therevada repose. as i inhale mid chakras are energised and the room bends outwards around me in a bubble. on the exhalation it bends back towards me returning to normal just as my lungs empty. in the moment between exhale and the next the cd case and bass stand on the floor in front of me ripple. i feel like i am in the matrix (these being some of the first open eye ketamine visuals i have received that are not hallucinatory (non-real objects) or related to space/size perception), the somatic sensations accompanied with these visuals (like in meditations) are far more intense than those on mushrooms. im impressed, yet easily bored with distorted illusions of illusions! i return to anapana sati…
…the floor becomes liquid, my carpet ebbs and flows with the current objects scattered around the room bob on the surface. As usual, unlike lsd or other serotonergics, the visuals are secondary to somatic sensations. I myself am a boat upon the ocean of the carpet, rising and falling upon the waves…
…post meditation I feel luminal spider webs under my arms. They turn into plastic like wings, such light material. I am soaring over some dark city scape, a warm breeze blowing from below. I remember momentarily thinking how fucking stupid I must look sitting in a lotus with arms outstretched trying to fly before completely forgetting reality. I am a bird-angel entity, without boundaries or worries. I explore this landscape before entering into the night sky, I remember rising above clouds to a view of the planet scape. Even in space theres still that warm anapana sati light-zephyr energising my existence! Perfection…
-=-
…fleeting memories of such impossible things, supra-real existences that saturate our frail perception of reality. it is unfortunate that they dissipate, more so the fact that the ones that remain are left to be described using this vulgar and clumsy language…
-=-
…what naiveties these seem like now! I have not touched this for some time now (NOTE: THIS IS WRITTEN TWO TO THREE YEARS IN) and my experience has changed beyond recognition. Sacrament has been introduced to meditative practices almost every day for so long now, she is no longer a substance; more an entity, a guide. A personality none the less. The above seem like such trivialities now, I have been catapulted across the universe by some behemoth cosmic cannon, I have been an Angel of God limitless in my existence, I have communed with Entities vast in their understanding, I have manipulated matter and time, spun webs of energy around my essence, existed in so many formats inconceivable to me now, been lifted into the sky and soared like a phoenix, fallen into the depths of the Earth, travelled on the hyper spatial highways of inter dimensional transference, speared through space at untold velocities, visited planes unrivalled in obscurity. Sometimes I have wanted to remain unchanged, many times I have wanted to leave or escape, yet I always return to the Ether gently led by the effervescent hand of the Ketamine Entity…
…some of the most enriching experiences have been those wherein I have met with Beings that are external to my perception and understanding of them. These Entities have been vast in their knowledge and power. One such was during an astral projection experience in what I determined to be the centre of the cosmos. I remember travelling across a multicoloured starscape at the hyper spatial yet comforting velocity of Ketamine Propulsion, I was a comet of somatic energies, I was able to detach myself from the essence and view myself from several angles. I arrived at a place, an enormous Oriental pagoda; it was intricately carved with images and patterns of Confuscian China, I remember ascending diagonally from a lower corner and as I reached the roof, space opened out before me. But it was not space as I was used to, not the galactic sprawling of diamond dust but a multiplicity of galaxies of all hues, I remember meditating here as an energy without bodice before a climax cast me once again into the sky and the universe exploded into a cavern of sorts. Here I was confronted with a behemoth Entity that stood a hundred times taller than me. I detached from myself and briefly saw my existence as an Elf entity of light before my attention was shifted to the Being before me. It was a Digital Cosmic Buddha Baby made of a fantastic blue substance, each particle of its existence was a square that was flipping and rotating at the same time. It was like one of those faces that is made up of hundreds of smaller pictures. I was astounded by the obscurity of the Being’s existence, a Digital Cosmic Buddha Baby sitting in a lotus deep in some mysterious cavern. Suddenly I was filled with hilarity at the situation, joy overtook me and I laughed spiritually at this thing before me. The Digital Cosmic Buddha Baby approved of the action and communicated telepathically that its existence was humour, happiness and fun. I as an Elf Entity, was here to participate in this and understand that a positive humorous existence was essential, with a stern outlook change is hindered and essence cannot flow. The Entity smiled a bright smile and I was released…
…the Ketamine spirit guide remains elusive to me in terms of direct perception but I encounter it every trip. Often Her giant hand will lift me from my room and catapult me into the night sky before swooping gently down to catch me again, placing me back on the floor of my room. Mostly She will place me on a the Ketamine fairground rides; a roller coaster, a train, a big wheel, a tunnel ride. When listening to music She will throw me around or move me to the ebb and flow of the sounds, sometimes I will be dangled on a precipice teetering on the verge of a massive drop She will wait until a climax in the music to cast me over the edge, more surprisingly I do not have to know the song, She will know when to let me go. Once on such a drop I felt Her hand clasp my necklace and I was left dangling at Her mercy, a few times, in a playful manner, She let go and then grabbed it again; it even felt as if the string would break. Occasionally I feel Her presence behind me and She may lay small hands on my shoulders, as if peering over me to watch my meditations, this happens more often when I am drawing energy in and shooting it out through my palm chakras. Other than physical interaction we converse often, through visions and feelings She will communicate concepts, correct my psyche and teach me about the plateaus and meditative techniques…
…more often than not the Entities represent aspects of myself, my wills, that have been anthropomorphic ally personified into beings. The strangest of such was my addictive trait. I have had dependencies on three substances in my lifetime and inclinations to habitually overuse most drugs when I first encounter them. This Psyche Entity appeared to me as a giant black worm sweeping out from the surface of my mindscape. Its head was a convoluting ball mass of white energy and two detached black pincers extended from it, it weaved about before me, again communicating the situation; my addiction to Ketamine. While it was formidable it radiated a pathetic aura that made me feel ashamed of myself, it was only at this point that I realised I was addicted to Ketamine. At this point the Entity told me telepathically two things, these things were the most important concepts I had ever understood in my life yet I forgot them. I believe they were so profound that I was unable to bring them back into my conscious base level existence. I remember conversing with the Psyche Entity for a long period of time, but what about I will never remember…
We are such children; drifting unawares through the sublime waters of Eden. Our significance is hidden to us, by the very import that we place on it. What are we?
It is unfortunate that I feel I should begin this section with a negative reproach, but I feel a warning is necessary. Nightly spiritual exploration and psychological healing with ketamine has over spilled into excessive habitual use. Excessive use has then turned into addiction. In short, ketamine has become the end as opposed to the means. I advise caution to anyone exposing their mind to sustained periods of use with this drug.
Dosage is generally anything between 750mg and 2g (bear in mind this would be after a day of using the drug in smaller doses regularly). Tolerance is ridiculously high, and it only as I realise this fact that I begin to lose the ability to go as deep (or remember). I found that what once took a few minutes of meditation can be supplemented by just insufflating a bigger dose of ketamine and with a few inhalations I can be catapulted where I want to go. Intra-muscular injection has been tried on occasions, but meditation is impossible; the loss of self-awareness is too fast to engage in a meditative state before the Descent. The ‘Golden Age’ of my ketamine meditations is gone (experiences I will never be able to record), I am lazy now. Allowing the ketamine to do most of the work and thoroughly neglecting the spiritual aspect of the sacrament.
Anyway, setting has changed, I now listen to various forms of music or binaural beat synchronisation loops yet still with the unending sound of the fan unit. Unfortunately, now I rarely remember any experiences that are not repeated or somehow profoundly effect me. My consciousness has learnt that to exist efficiently in the ketamine phase state it has to let go of analytic experience and classification. It has a certain Taoist aspect to it, exist for the existence and no further effort is made nor necessary.
Perhaps it is time to ‘let the cat out of the bag’, so to speak, and integrate these behemoths that have been lurking in my subconscious. What is the enormity of these experiences? So many states of pure experience; streaming flux states of conscious reality that are made utterly redundant by what little hope there is of description.
The entities have most certainly come alive… I am not aware of Her warm loving presence anymore, subspace is inhabited by a multitude of waveform ‘beings’. Dense, complex energy transferences that have developed what I could only term a sentience. They seem to wormhole in and out of existence; inexorably fluxing with sensorial intangibility.
I have had the feeling for some time now that they are pruning me, if I am ‘good’ they will take me to astounding planes of existence but the moment I do something ‘wrong’ I am punished with abandonment. Yet the criteria of their selection remains shielded from me. Is it attention? Communication? Self algorithms?
I feel no particular affinity for them, neither do they for me, I do not long for these experiences yet I cannot escape them. They come usually after deep meditation or a recreational visit down the hole, when I am still under the influence from the sacrament.
Usually I am in my room, they come from the waveforms, sounds, electrical buzzing, breath, energy vibrations, whatever. I will go to this strange highway wave-state, there are millions of them rushing through. I will observe there as some kind of essence until I am taken somewhere by them or thrown out.
They do not seem to care much for me, or show much interest in my development yet I still feel they are trying to teach me something.
I used to be able to deal with these things with a certain distance. Yes I experience deified energy states, yes I am able to warp physical matter at will, yes I visit entities of strange significance, yes I can make myself fly about my surroundings in vehicles of light. But its not real. It’s a drug.
I cant do this anymore, these new things are too real. They transcend what I am able to integrate back into my existence, the things these entities do I have to forget. This is the first time I have ‘admitted’ to myself what they are doing outside of K time. And what I am doing.
I don’t know what they are doing, but I don’t like it. I don’t like the places ketamine takes me anymore, these vehicles of light it puts me in, the strange landscapes and the weird beings that reside in them. I don’t like the flying, I don’t like the roller coasters, I don’t like the gentle water rides, I don’t like the catapulting. I don’t like the extra sensory abilities, I don’t like the apparent telekinesis, I don’t like the apparent telepathy. I don’t like walking down the road at night and hearing the cars that are on the motorway rather than the leaves moving by my feet. I don’t like the patterned visions that come in the dark, and the thoughts that come with them. I don’t like the ghosts on my shoulder.
I don’t like this addiction. Before it has been habit, something separate to me. A real addiction. This is different, we are one. The ketamine and I are not separate, I cant look at it and say this is the addiction I need to get rid of. Its not up there its weaved into my very thought. I don’t want to be an addict anymore, I don’t want to wake up and start snorting ketamine telling myself im going to meditate. I don’t want to think of lines as a substitute for eating. I don’t want to wake up in {DELETED} anymore wondering how the fuck I got from supplier’s house to the corner of some wall soaked and cold. I don’t want my friends to have to find me and bring me back to the house. I don’t want my friends to worry about me, I don’t want to wake up in the morning walk downstiars and listen to what I did the night before from other peoples mouths. I don’t want these periodic ‘lets help {DELETED}’ discussions. I don’t want my friends talking about me behind my back about boycotting me to stop it. I don’t want these veiled, forced compliments about how great I look if I havent done k for a day. I don’t want people to dismiss anything spiritual or philosophical anymore because I am a k head and have these experiences. I don’t want my reputation to precede me anymore. I don’t want to have to do a line before starting the most trivial of activities like going to buy some baccy. I don’t want to walk around town anymore scorning people in my head as if they are lower than me. Because I am a k-head? Excellent basis of judgement. What I don’t want most of all is what ive already done. My addiction has fuelled my sales and now i have to watch my friends sink down with me. {DELETED} knew what he was doing, we jumped in together. But ive pulled {DELETED, DELETED, DELETED and DELETED} down with me. How could I hurt {DELETED}? He says he doesn’t blame me, but we both know hes where he is because of me. Now {DELETED} doing what I do, locked away by herself where I cant watch her. She could be anywhere on the line. And {DELETED}’s testing the water. How can I say no or refuse without seeming like a pretentious prick whos knows whats better for people? they’ll only go to {DELETED} or {DELETED} anyway. I know {DELETED and DELETED} want to pick up my half when I leave, they are just waiting for me to introduce {DELETED}. How the fuck do I leave that on my conscience? {DELETED} can handle it, hes a fuck head but he wants the money so hell never go deep. {DELETED}'s got too much money already and she’s like me. Shell use the hole by herself, she’ll wrap herself up in it to shut everything else out.
I need to remember this stuff. Read it every day until I throw that shite out into the rain. Why can I write this down? Why can it make me feel this way but I don’t do anything about it? Why don’t I actually care about any of it? Deep down? Some kind of monster or some shit.
Im sick of feeling dirty and a vessel for an addict. I no longer feel holy. I don’t feel spiritual anymore. I feel sick and twisted. Warped by something that liberated me. Truly, it changed me and I would not swap those moments of ecstasy for anything. But its two way. Its fucked me too. that’s a lie. I fucked myself.
And I know the problems are coming back.its making me obsessed with my self! Egocentricism no different to the hell before, except that this time I know its all about me. How can such different things take me to the same place? I need it to silence those evil thoughts, on the bus, walking down the street. I know something big is going to come like before, the mushrooms and the acid are telling me. I thought Id left the days when I thought even my friends were trying to hurt me. Now the tripping brings them back. I think they are conspiring and trying to drive me insane. Someone will get up and walk out of the room and walk back in, or laugh, or talk quietly to someone. And they are trying to destroy me! And I know that this is starting to enter into sobriety too. The ks stirring it up again and I cant let that happen. I don’t want to lose everything it took so long to build back.
I want to go back to the kundalini spirituality. I want to finish opening my chakras, I want to go back to those experiences which I never had to justify as ‘unreal’. because they were more solid than anything in this manifest Consciousness. The light, God. I want to go back to Her, to sit in that golden spiral dome again, every cell of my fibre vibrating in realised synchronicity with Her Flux.
When exactly are you gonna start the once a month only k addition to daily meditation you are always raving on to yourself about you motherfucker? This isn’t a new era of enlightenment and peace. It was temporary heaven and now youre going back to hell. Fuck it.
I hate what this hole has done to me, but I know I have to follow the rabbit deeper so I can find the way back up. I know there is one. It was dark down here and I swallowed that to make it light, but I cant handle these energies that pulverise me anymore. The hole goes deeper and deeper, theres no end to it. Every plateau promises a final ascension, one more jump and you’ll reach the light my friend. But then the next plateau is the same. And it gets darker and darker. And the experiences harder and harder. Frantic, seething fluid-chaos existence. I know that there isn’t a light at the bottom of this hole, but im going to follow the rabbit anyway. Ill follow it because I cant contemplate not following it, not having these experiences with the vantage point of its ever-receding tail in the distance. I need to grow from this to leave it behind, no matter what it does to me temporarily.
No matter what I say, no matter what I write, no matter how many times I read this part and it brings these terrible feelings back to the surface again; I know ill go back. Becaue its what I am.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
