• Bluelight
    Shrine




    A memorial
    to Bluelighters
    who have passed away

ketamania

Rest in peace 🙏🏼

Everybody's got a father or a mother or cousin or a friend or somebody that misses them and is mourning them and in terrible pain
 
Dear Ash,

I have held off coming here because every reminder that you are gone makes the truth seem more real. That truth became a reality so suddenly. It still haunts my mind every time I think of our conversation just hours before you left this world to ride amongst the stars. Thank you for being such an amazing person, and an amazing friend. I hate being on the other side of the world, especially in the past month, however, distance now has no boundaries. Today I won't be opening any of our chats, despite it being somewhat comforting yet devastating at the same time.

Instead, I will simply light a candle this evening and remember the good times, the laughter, the awesome burnout vids, and anything else that makes me smile as the wax slowly melts under the dark clear sky. I hope that you can see it from up there, so you know how much you meant to me and many others.

Four weeks ago, we lost you, but it only feels like yesterday.

☄️ 🌹 See you on the other side Ash! 🌹 ☄️
 
ash's fiance gave me permission to post this facebook post:

Post by Jose R Miranda

I know this is a long post, I apologize, but please take the time to read this. This is important, for some it is a matter of life and death. It may sound like I am being dramatic, but I assure you I am not.

*****WARNING*****
**Parts of this post are difficult to read and contain details of traumatic**
**events. If you are sensitive to this type of information, please use discretion** **if you choose to read this post. It is also best to not expose children to**
**this post, especially younger children. **

I need to tell a story, most of you have seen or heard this story, some have the complete story, some got the story with details left out. Some thought the story had to have more to it (it did), some even asked about the parts that did not fully make sense. Some got the rest of the story; others got a vague answer (I said ‘I don’t know’ a lot).
Sunday December 3,2023

It was a lazy Sunday morning, I had stayed up too late with Ashley the previous night and got up way too early (2 insomniacs living together, getting up too early after staying up late was something we did a lot.) and played video games together. At about 9: 30 (we stopped playing a game together at 9: 22) we realized that it had gotten later than intended and we had not fed or walked our dog. Ashley said she was tired, so I reminded her that we had stuff to do and got ready to go outside and headed. I went outside for about 15 minutes. When I came back inside Ashley, as I expected, was laying down, so I went to my computer, checked emails, and did other things while I waited. I went to check on her, to remind her about the things we were supposed to do that day. I often check on her while she naps, but usually it was just looking in on her. She did not respond to me, so I thought she had fallen asleep, so I decided to let her rest a bit and went back to my computer. About 15 minutes later I went to check on her again and being a bit impatient tried again to remind her (softly talking to her) but she again did not respond. I watched her for a minute or 2 but was not worried. At about 1017 or so I went to check on her, when I got up from my computer and walked into our room I immediately got a feeling something was wrong, I tried to brush it off , I thought I was being paranoid, but I started shaking Ashley foot calling out to her, I called out to her louder and louder and shook her foot more and more, I even hit her (something I would never normally do), all got no response from Ashley. With growing panic, I climbed up on the bed and rolled her over. I immediately saw signs she was in respiratory distress, and after checking I was not able to find that she had a pulse of any sign or breathing. In my state I doubted my finding, so I went to get two things, my phone, and a pulse oximeter, I came back with three things. I quickly got my phone and went to Ashley’s bag where I knew she had a pulse oximeter. When I got to her bag was when I saw something I did not want to see. It was visible enough so when I walked to our kitchen I could see it, hidden enough so I walked by it several time I did not see it, on the kitchen table a piece of square aluminum foil. (I knew at that point what I was dealing with, I am going to finish the sequence of events but I will explain the significance of this aluminum foil), It was hidden enough so I was able to walk through the room without seeing it but not really hidden well, (she didn’t want me to know because I was going to be disappointed, but she didn’t want to keep the secret from me) I think. When I saw the square I knew I was dealing with an overdose and made sure to grab Narcan on the way back to the bedroom and immediately administered the first dose and put the pulse oximeter on her finger while dialing 911 at 1020 I attempted to get the pulse oximeter to get a pulse but never succeeded. I had to go open locked gates to allow help access to the property and so a ran as fast as I could opened the gates and as soon as I got back to Ashley I got to work (I was already hearing sirens coming), first a 2nd dose of Narcan and then I had to get her off the bed to perform CPR, I got her to the floor and began to perform CPR. I performed CPR until police arrived (in this area a lot of times police respond to calls when CPR is in progress, and always respond when the calls involve overdose of any kind) I was given and administered a third dose of Narcan and eventually the police took over CPR. A total of four doses of Narcan were given to Ashley before she was put in the ambulance and taken to the hospital.

It took me a couple of days before my consciousness really let me realize what caused me to realize what made me realize something was wrong. Ashley when she slept always breathed quite loudly, sounds strange but it would put me to sleep a lot of time, just listening to her breath.

She breathed so loudly that I could usually hear her from the foot of the bed. I would often check on her while she napped and cover her with blankets or just listen to her breathing and honesty. I love her so much and everything about her that I was in awe just watching her sleep, I am lucky to have had her in my life. That day blame it on lack of sleep, or me not feeling well (she was going to take to me emergency room that day) but I am almost certain now, what triggered my realizing something was wrong was I did not hear her breathing, and I don’t know if my mind is messing with me but I don’t think I heard her any of the times I checked on her.

The aluminum foil piece? The significance was it had a brownish substance on it, with a straw next to it, and a lighter, the substance was Fentanyl. Ashley battled addiction and lost her fight. Somebody introduced her to opioids, and she found a way to escape from the feeling she had from past trauma. All addicts have this in common, some will say they get high because high because “it feels good” but what doesn’t feel good about being sober, EVERY addict gets high because they are feeling something that they do not want to feel and getting high makes that feeling go away, even if it is for a short time. I knew she was an addict. I saw the signs and we talked about it, and I helped her stop (I had hoped permanently) but as is common with addicts we relapse. Yes, I say we because while I have a number of years under my belt sober, I too consider myself an addict. My drug of choice was not an opioid but another substance. The problem is today you go buy “drugs” on the street and even the person that you are buying it from will no always be able to tell you exactly what you are getting, Marijuana even, good old “natural” weed on the streets (you know, from your dealer, your ‘connect’, your plug) you can buy weed that “give you a better high than that stuff from the dispensary”. You know why they make that claim? Because even good old ‘natural’ weed is always what it seems these days. I am focusing on weed because the argument is how safe it is, ‘you can’t overdose on weed’ is only true if the weed is pure. They use so many things that could harm addicts to ‘enhance’ the high, they will even lace the weed with Fentanyl. The point is you don’t always know what you are getting unless you buy it from a legal source. If is there is a legal source in your area.

Now let’s get some facts straight about fentanyl. The first one is something that I have seen on the news overdose from touching someone that is overdosing, that is used by news outlets to be more dramatic, overdose is not a contagious disease. I have now been in contact with 2 different people that had experienced an overdose on opioids and administered Narcan… neither made me high in the drugs nor made me overdose. Of course, take normal precautions that you would take doing first aid on someone but please do not be afraid to help! The news stations say things like this, and it will make people afraid to help and people will die. The second thing is generally speaking the forms of fentanyl sold on the streets are solid pieces, white looking substance about the color of white chalk, it can come in smaller pieces or one larger piece (because of Facebook rules I am not posting photos, but they can be found online. This post may be stretching the rules already.) I do not recommend it but coming in contact with it is NOT generally instantly fatal! (I am not saying it is 100% safe to just handle the stuff) This again is something the news overdramatizes, in preparing to do the drug many addicts will use their bare hands or teeth to break it into smaller pieces if it is in a larger piece. However, having said that, being in skin contact with the solid form of the drug may not be instantly fatal but definitely wash your hands after coming into contact with it, if it is on your hands and you rub your eyes… that is a way into your body and who knows how your body will react. The takeaway is this: please don’t be afraid to help! You see someone that needs help, and you can safely do so please don’t be afraid to help.

If you know anyone that needs help with substance abuse, please get them help. I recommend everyone carry Narcan (common name for naloxone) . It is available free in many places and will reverse any opioid overdose that is caught in time, which is the key…time. Next Distro organization (Nextdistro.org) has great resources and information with training videos. They also have a program where they will send free Narcan to people in certain locations (California where I live is included in those locations, I have been carrying Narcan for over a year now.)
Another avenue to get help with substance abuse is 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (988lifeline.org or dial 988 from any phone within the United States) despite the name they can help with substance abuse along with mental health crisis whether for yourself or a loved one.

I hope this helps people. I do not want anyone to go through my experience. Finding a loved one that has overdosed is an experience that changes one for the rest of their lives. Nothing can prepare you for it, the best thing to do is to stop the people that are suffering with addiction or try try to stop them ahead of time, before they fall into addiction. Get them help before they fall into addiction, if possible, if not get them help to recover from it.

I lost my love to this. I lost my sweet Ash. I don't want anyone to go through this agony. She was my heart.
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<3

alasdair
 
alasdairm said:
ash's fiance gave me permission to post this facebook post:



<3

alasdair
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Incredibly tragic thing to have to go through. Unfortunately I can relate all too well. The first thought is "what could I have done differently or better"? But ultimately, it was out of our control. I hope he understands this and doesn't go through the same shit I did. Seems like a good guy. These type of scars don't heal.

I sent a message to offer support and condolences.
 
arrall said:
I heard it was a fentanyl OD
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This is why america needs more maintenance clinics...or better yet: just legalize these damn opioids already. No one's gonna die if opioids become OTC medications just like back in the 19th century. But judging by the interests involved in shaping legislation combined with the utter stupidity of the masses I can't see this happening even in the distant future.
 
Really miss you Ash.

It's been a year now and I still find it hard to really process she's gone. Maybe it's because she was so young even by our shitty standards, I dunno. But this has been a hard one for me to process.

We used to talk quite a lot about this stuff, bout our respective opioid addictions. About the things I'd lost in my life cause of it, and the things she could lose. I talked to her lots of times about how drugs could and eventually likely would cost her her job, the things she wanted out of life, but I don't think I emphasized as much how it could kill her. I'm not sure why. Looking back, I should have.

Really miss her. :( <3
 
In Loving Memory of Ash 🌹

Today marks one year since we lost you, and not a day has passed without thinking of you, Ketamania. You impacted so many lives at just 22 years old with your kindness, dedication, and selflessness.

You were not just one of my best friends, but a beacon of light for everyone around you. Your journey through the EMT first responder course showed your unwavering commitment to helping those in need, a testament to your compassionate heart. You poured so much of yourself into drug harm reduction efforts, touching lives and making a difference in ways most of us can only aspire to.

Your love for animals and the people in your life was clear as day. Whether it was a listening ear or a heartfelt laugh, you were always there. Your absence leaves an emptiness that can never be filled, but your spirit, your kindness, and your dedication will continue to live on through the memories that I will cherish forever.

Your light will never dim in our hearts. Thank you for blessing my life with your presence. We miss you deeply and will carry your memory with us, always.

Keep riding amongst the stars, Ash. Love you forever, man. 🐎💙

—andyturbo
 
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andyturbo said:
In Loving Memory of Ash 🌹

Today marks one year since we lost you, and not a day has passed without thinking of you, Ketamania. You impacted so many lives at just 22 years old with your kindness, dedication, and selflessness.

You were not just one of my best friends, but a beacon of light for everyone around you. Your journey through the EMT first responder course showed your unwavering commitment to helping those in need, a testament to your compassionate heart. You poured so much of yourself into drug harm reduction efforts, touching lives and making a difference in ways most of us can only aspire to.

Your love for animals and the people in your life was clear as day. Whether it was a listening ear or a heartfelt laugh, you were always there. Your absence leaves an emptiness that can never be filled, but your spirit, your kindness, and your dedication will continue to live on through the memories that I will cherish forever.

Your light will never dim in our hearts. Thank you for blessing my life with your presence. We miss you deeply and will carry your memory with us, always.

Keep riding amongst the stars, Ash. Love you forever, man. 🐎💙

—andyturbo
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That was really beautiful Andy. <3

Fuck. I just can't believe she's gone. I dunno why but my brain won't seem to process it.

I don't wanna compare anyone's death to anyone else's, cause everyone's unique. Every loss is incalcuable. They're all painful in a unique way. But there's something about how young she was and all the dreams she had that's just made her death feel different.

I dunno if anyone else feels like this, but to me... even though every time you lose someone it's unique, her death has been particularly different to me in how I've felt about it. I'm some ways that sensation of disbelief that she's gone has made it a little easier to deal with, but in other ways it's made it much harder.

I dunno, I know I've probably said all this stuff before. I just want it to finally make sense. :(
 
JessFR said:
That was really beautiful Andy. <3

Fuck. I just can't believe she's gone. I dunno why but my brain won't seem to process it.

I don't wanna compare anyone's death to anyone else's, cause everyone's unique. Every loss is incalcuable. They're all painful in a unique way. But there's something about how young she was and all the dreams she had that's just made her death feel different.

I dunno if anyone else feels like this, but to me... even though every time you lose someone it's unique, her death has been particularly different to me in how I've felt about it. I'm some ways that sensation of disbelief that she's gone has made it a little easier to deal with, but in other ways it's made it much harder.

I dunno, I know I've probably said all this stuff before. I just want it to finally make sense. :(
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Thanks, yeah, I know what you mean. Every Bluelighter that reaches the shrine feels like a real pinprick to the heart.
 
andyturbo said:
In Loving Memory of Ash 🌹

Today marks one year since we lost you, and not a day has passed without thinking of you, Ketamania. You impacted so many lives at just 22 years old with your kindness, dedication, and selflessness.

You were not just one of my best friends, but a beacon of light for everyone around you. Your journey through the EMT first responder course showed your unwavering commitment to helping those in need, a testament to your compassionate heart. You poured so much of yourself into drug harm reduction efforts, touching lives and making a difference in ways most of us can only aspire to.

Your love for animals and the people in your life was clear as day. Whether it was a listening ear or a heartfelt laugh, you were always there. Your absence leaves an emptiness that can never be filled, but your spirit, your kindness, and your dedication will continue to live on through the memories that I will cherish forever.

Your light will never dim in our hearts. Thank you for blessing my life with your presence. We miss you deeply and will carry your memory with us, always.

Keep riding amongst the stars, Ash. Love you forever, man. 🐎💙

—andyturbo
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Beautiful tribute, thanks for posting Andy.

rip Ash <3
 
Thinking of you today on Feb 12th, and all others we have lost. Your posts help keep the memories alive that lives on in our hearts and in the stories we share.

Every Blue Lighter who has passed will always be remembered and deeply missed. 🌹
 
Beautiful. You were so nice. Thank you for your kindness. This is a tough one.

r.i.p. :cry:💖

So open and helpful. I just don't know. 💔

Rest Peacefully now.

Thank you for your time here and kindness. Gone way too soon also.

<3
 
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