Well, where to start... After a recent opiate binge I realized it may be beneficial to interact with folks other than those I know directly in real life, rather acquire some E-Friends perhaps in similar situations as myself. Where I'm at now I either deal with people who are completely 100% for the usage of hard drugs, or completely condemning, unable to see a drug like Heroin without assuming everyone who uses it ends up mugging the defenseless elderly and/or sells themselves sexually for half a bag simply to cease from withdrawal.
Anyway, I suppose an introduction is as good a place as any to establish some form of self-indulgent back story detailing fragments of the OP's life, to better grasp where he is coming from, so here goes.
Drug usage for me, I suppose started, in a sense as a child. My parents were on the prescription bandwagon, overreacting to typical childhood behavior by thinking something more serious was taking place, and as such, ever since the age of around 8 or 9, I've been put on medicine, increasing more and more with age.
Despite all the supposed benefits these pills have been purported to have, I've rarely found any benefit in them, as a kid I simply accepted that they were doing what they should, as an adult I realized they never really have done what they should have, aside from the occasional sleeping pill that actually helps someone such as myself who's never learned to sleep properly, and thus developed a form of insomnia requiring some downer or hypnotic to synthetically induce sleep.
Anyway, during my teenage years, I began to take refuge in drinking Alcohol. At the time it was my escape from a life I found myself disliking more and more, as a variety of unfortunate changes began to take place. I stuck with drinking for a while, then found myself enjoying Marijuana, and made a number of friends who too enjoyed this Herb. For a time, it was exactly what I wanted, seemed to help in many regards, and for a time aided in loosening me up from someone completely cynical to someone who once again enjoyed life and all it had to offer.
Well, shits and giggles only lasted for so long, eventually a bad mixture of events, growing paranoia the weed fed into, and a variety of other things landed me in the worst situation in my life, all climaxing into what would seem to be a schizophrenic breakdown packed full of delusions and horrors truly unlike that I've ever known...
Well fuck all that and fast forward a number of wasted years and you'll find me now. Over the past few years I've again given a big F-U to modern psychiatry to which I, for a time, again relied on to offer some help from where I was at. At this point I've realized the pills they've had me on caused more negative side-effects than that I've experienced with most other drugs, and offered no help, and no damned compensational euphoria.
What has worked prescription wise have been Benzo's, Xanax and the like. Though not really my type of high, they've helped with sleep, panic-attacks I'd experienced years back, and other such things. Yet I've also found this type of drug to be one of the drugs Shrinks are reluctant to put one on, (something I'll touch on shortly as I wrap this up.) and have been taken off it a few times during my 10 years prescribed it. (Not generally a good idea for someone on it so long, abruptly stopping regular benzo usage can be fatal.)
Anyway, about three years ago, after messing around with lighter opiates whenever I could obtain them, I began to make use of Heroin. And my God, nothing else can compare. All the negative feelings that built up, all the bullshit life piles on, all my own short comings and fuck-ups, completely washed away in warm waves of pleasurably pleasing pleasantries. When on this I no longer feel the misery and bile, the past failures, dislike, disapproval, the cares and complexities that have become too damned complicated, all of it washed away. No more sharp edges, no more abrasive surfaces, only that which is silky soft and comfortable comforting.
Well, this would be all true if I had the means to be on Heroin 100% of the time, but I hardly have enough money to stay high for a few days before being completely out of funding. After getting in a bit over my head, I fortunately manged to get put on Suboxone, which has proven to, though not be euphoric like the hard drugs I'm use to, help keep a better psychological outlook, quell pessimism and make life seem like not such a weight, but something livable.
The thing is, at times, I still make use of Heroin, and then use the Subs to ease off so as not to experience the extreme withdrawal that would otherwise make Heroin the absolute perfect answer to everything.
And that is where I'm leaving off now, from the longest binge of Heroin since I've been on Subs, 40 bags, 8 days, countless worn needles, trail marks now track lines, busted vessels and so many holes in me I mine as well have been crucified. (Hehe)
I'm guessing the extent of my return to Heroin has made the Subs not be quite as helpful as before. For the most part I'd wait about two weeks, buy about 7-8 bags of H, ween of the subs, using quarter bag shots over the course of 24 hours until I could start fully banging bags and feeling the full effect. Then switch back to the Subs with no discomfort. It seemed to be the perfect mix. But either I've gone in a bit too hard this time, or there is a sort of Opiate Kindling (such as that experienced with Bennies and the like) where withdrawal gets worse and worse with continued usage. Seems a possibility, as for a while I could use Dope and simply get a good nights rest from it, with no negative feelings. Not the case anymore.
In closing, before I end this tldr intro intended to grasp the attention of a bunch of people with no previous connection to me, complete strangers who would otherwise not likely give two shits, with this I hope to have caught a few peoples attention.
Anyway, I'd like to add my insight into the current Psychiatric field, being someone both on typical prescribed drugs, and street drugs, someone who's been inpatient hospitals and outpatient facilities a countless number of times.
I've come to realize very rarely are all the Prozacs, Zolofts, Risperdal, Haldols, and all that bullshit of any help to myself, and the various people I've met. Rather these people rely more and more on street drugs to relieve them of their conditions.
It's only been recent that I've realized though I experience no high from Suboxone, I do feel more stable on this drug than typical mood stabilizers. I've recently also come across the information that physical and psychological pain are interrelated, and with this, I've concluded that such opiate like drugs could be of tremendous benefit to the psychological well being of a vast number of people. Though it may sound "emo," mental strife seems to cause a great deal of problems for people from all walks. I honestly feel if the whole drug enforcement agencies, with their selective unfavored substances would loosen up, and various Psychiatric Doctors would again look at the possibilities these drugs have to relieve patients of their problems, perhaps things would be better off, if not certainly no worse than where we're all standing at now. At the very least those seeking help would find it, and not have to both get fucked fiscally from their shrinks as well as those on the streets to get what they need to get by, what ever pill or potion may that be.
Anyway, a mouth full I know. Hope it was at least of mild interest to a few people. Happy to be aboard.
Anyway, I suppose an introduction is as good a place as any to establish some form of self-indulgent back story detailing fragments of the OP's life, to better grasp where he is coming from, so here goes.
Drug usage for me, I suppose started, in a sense as a child. My parents were on the prescription bandwagon, overreacting to typical childhood behavior by thinking something more serious was taking place, and as such, ever since the age of around 8 or 9, I've been put on medicine, increasing more and more with age.
Despite all the supposed benefits these pills have been purported to have, I've rarely found any benefit in them, as a kid I simply accepted that they were doing what they should, as an adult I realized they never really have done what they should have, aside from the occasional sleeping pill that actually helps someone such as myself who's never learned to sleep properly, and thus developed a form of insomnia requiring some downer or hypnotic to synthetically induce sleep.
Anyway, during my teenage years, I began to take refuge in drinking Alcohol. At the time it was my escape from a life I found myself disliking more and more, as a variety of unfortunate changes began to take place. I stuck with drinking for a while, then found myself enjoying Marijuana, and made a number of friends who too enjoyed this Herb. For a time, it was exactly what I wanted, seemed to help in many regards, and for a time aided in loosening me up from someone completely cynical to someone who once again enjoyed life and all it had to offer.
Well, shits and giggles only lasted for so long, eventually a bad mixture of events, growing paranoia the weed fed into, and a variety of other things landed me in the worst situation in my life, all climaxing into what would seem to be a schizophrenic breakdown packed full of delusions and horrors truly unlike that I've ever known...
Well fuck all that and fast forward a number of wasted years and you'll find me now. Over the past few years I've again given a big F-U to modern psychiatry to which I, for a time, again relied on to offer some help from where I was at. At this point I've realized the pills they've had me on caused more negative side-effects than that I've experienced with most other drugs, and offered no help, and no damned compensational euphoria.
What has worked prescription wise have been Benzo's, Xanax and the like. Though not really my type of high, they've helped with sleep, panic-attacks I'd experienced years back, and other such things. Yet I've also found this type of drug to be one of the drugs Shrinks are reluctant to put one on, (something I'll touch on shortly as I wrap this up.) and have been taken off it a few times during my 10 years prescribed it. (Not generally a good idea for someone on it so long, abruptly stopping regular benzo usage can be fatal.)
Anyway, about three years ago, after messing around with lighter opiates whenever I could obtain them, I began to make use of Heroin. And my God, nothing else can compare. All the negative feelings that built up, all the bullshit life piles on, all my own short comings and fuck-ups, completely washed away in warm waves of pleasurably pleasing pleasantries. When on this I no longer feel the misery and bile, the past failures, dislike, disapproval, the cares and complexities that have become too damned complicated, all of it washed away. No more sharp edges, no more abrasive surfaces, only that which is silky soft and comfortable comforting.
Well, this would be all true if I had the means to be on Heroin 100% of the time, but I hardly have enough money to stay high for a few days before being completely out of funding. After getting in a bit over my head, I fortunately manged to get put on Suboxone, which has proven to, though not be euphoric like the hard drugs I'm use to, help keep a better psychological outlook, quell pessimism and make life seem like not such a weight, but something livable.
The thing is, at times, I still make use of Heroin, and then use the Subs to ease off so as not to experience the extreme withdrawal that would otherwise make Heroin the absolute perfect answer to everything.
And that is where I'm leaving off now, from the longest binge of Heroin since I've been on Subs, 40 bags, 8 days, countless worn needles, trail marks now track lines, busted vessels and so many holes in me I mine as well have been crucified. (Hehe)
I'm guessing the extent of my return to Heroin has made the Subs not be quite as helpful as before. For the most part I'd wait about two weeks, buy about 7-8 bags of H, ween of the subs, using quarter bag shots over the course of 24 hours until I could start fully banging bags and feeling the full effect. Then switch back to the Subs with no discomfort. It seemed to be the perfect mix. But either I've gone in a bit too hard this time, or there is a sort of Opiate Kindling (such as that experienced with Bennies and the like) where withdrawal gets worse and worse with continued usage. Seems a possibility, as for a while I could use Dope and simply get a good nights rest from it, with no negative feelings. Not the case anymore.
In closing, before I end this tldr intro intended to grasp the attention of a bunch of people with no previous connection to me, complete strangers who would otherwise not likely give two shits, with this I hope to have caught a few peoples attention.
Anyway, I'd like to add my insight into the current Psychiatric field, being someone both on typical prescribed drugs, and street drugs, someone who's been inpatient hospitals and outpatient facilities a countless number of times.
I've come to realize very rarely are all the Prozacs, Zolofts, Risperdal, Haldols, and all that bullshit of any help to myself, and the various people I've met. Rather these people rely more and more on street drugs to relieve them of their conditions.
It's only been recent that I've realized though I experience no high from Suboxone, I do feel more stable on this drug than typical mood stabilizers. I've recently also come across the information that physical and psychological pain are interrelated, and with this, I've concluded that such opiate like drugs could be of tremendous benefit to the psychological well being of a vast number of people. Though it may sound "emo," mental strife seems to cause a great deal of problems for people from all walks. I honestly feel if the whole drug enforcement agencies, with their selective unfavored substances would loosen up, and various Psychiatric Doctors would again look at the possibilities these drugs have to relieve patients of their problems, perhaps things would be better off, if not certainly no worse than where we're all standing at now. At the very least those seeking help would find it, and not have to both get fucked fiscally from their shrinks as well as those on the streets to get what they need to get by, what ever pill or potion may that be.
Anyway, a mouth full I know. Hope it was at least of mild interest to a few people. Happy to be aboard.
)