TDS Just when you think the worst is over...

[Cartesia]

Opiate addiction is my first hurdle. It's run the course. I get limited pharmaceutical supply. Have no other source. I've reached the point where I can afford to keep the withdrawals away but that's about it. No high, just relief and the ability to avoid sickness. Things are pretty much at their end, despite not being immediately ready to give it up. somedays I go with less than the standard dose, some weeks I taper down, then kick back up.. but it's more or less over. I self medicate for social anxiety and a lesser extent depression/boredom which has resulted due to doing nothing but sit in my room on opes for 7 years.

I'm finally starting to feel like I'm ready to wind it all down and return to sober life.

.. and then into my life steps... a (to me in my current state) practically limitless supply of pharmaceutical amphetamines.

Now. Back in my weekend warrior days, I got on the gear (meth).. This was before the huge explosion in smoking it/etc. Sure there were people that took it too far, but it was not such an issue that it is today. I hadn't tried opiates at this point, I had no drive to take meth outside the weekend. Or anything else. I hated the harsh crash. Anymore than a night or two I couldn't cope with that. Never once did it occur to me to take it daily or more than a couple times every few weeks.

The dextroamphetamines are different. Used in low doses (20mg) they conquer my anxiety/shyness. and unlike the opiates, give me the motivation to actually start achieving all the things I dream of doing.

and so I find myself making plans 'finally I can do this... all I need is a kickstart, a month or two of solid work, then I will be in a position to keep things going naturally. Reconnect/develop new social ties. Get my creative pursuits out of my head and into the world. Etc etc'

Why is it that just when you think the nightmare is over, door #2 opens and contains something so horribly attractive that you're ready to throw everything away again, because 'it will be different this time'?

I feel like I'm in some kind of tortuous labyrinth. Every door I open is either the perfect life just out of reach, a horrible setback disguised as a win, or just a straight up temptation I don't know how to refuse.

I was literally joking just the other day about things not being able to get any worse unless a door-to-door heroin salesman turned up at my door.. and hey presto... it might not be exactly what I mentioned but it's just as bad.

How do you stop yourself from doing something that you know you're going to do, despite knowing what the outcome is? Why do you do that to yourself? Is there soemthing wrong with my brain? I know exactly where this is going to end up...Despite having witnessed first hand the pain of addiction.

Somebody... Help.

 

[theseeker]

I have never used stimulants to any significant degree so my knowledge of them is very limited. However, I'm very familiar with opiate addiction. If you could blunt the opiate w/d syndrome with what you say are low doses of pharmaceutical dextro, that might not be such a bad thing from a harm reduction point of view. As a fellow opiate addict, I'd avail myself of just about anything to get out of it if it could be done as quickly as you seem to suggest. I've heard of others here at BL do similar things to get off opiates (Lyrica, pregabalin have also been used- much less harmful in my limited knowledge). You're basically taking an ADHD drug to get off opiates if I'm reading this correctly. If this is your first hurdle- why not avail yourself of it?

That said-and this is a pure guess- your writing style, use of punctuation, etc. indicates that you have a tough college major or you perform a job that is detail oriented. IF this is the case, I've seen amphetamines rob people of such things rather quickly. The subterfuge won't last long and your peers and/or supervisors will notice. You'll pay dearly if you get spun out on amphetamines. I've seen it happen with my own eyes.

SO- if you can use the dextro at the dose you indicated for a month, I'd say it's OK. Opiate w/d can hit the pause button on your life at just the wrong times. I've been lucky so far with all my w/d in the past that I wasn't engaged in some intense work where a pause would have been disastrous.

Do you think it would be at all possible to use the dextro in this way? If the answer is honestly no- could you look into Lyrica?

My last thought is this: please try to remember that you are NOT a puppet on strings. You are a person with freewill. You can choose your course of action. You seem to feel like a rat in a maze, and you're wrong. Just because all these drugs are available to you by no means compels you to have to take them. Look, I'm an addict too. I totally understand where you're coming from. If I had some guy drop a whole bunch of roxi's into my lap, I'd have a serious fucking dilemma. Yet, you seem to be able to realize that the opiate road is at an end. What makes you think you can't use the same reasoning with these other drugs? You have more power than you think, why not avail yourself of it?

 

[Cartesia]

Hi, thanks for your response. I never finished college, thanks to the opiate love affair interruption. I was always the kind of person being told "you could be anything if you put your mind to it". Thankfully I got alot done in school before I came upon any 'distraction' and by that point I was already in a better position than most in terms of literacy/general knowledge. I still love to learn/read but I cannot manage my time/attention in a way that fits the format people use in college/etc. Then the anxiety thing originally threw me off too, before I began self medicating that.

Motivation and choosing between short and long term reward has always been a very difficult point for me. Mostly this comes across as an 'everything will be OK' attitude... But inside, logically, I see exactly how unsustainable my choices are in the long term - with regards to buying property/working a dead-end job/etc. I do not have a high paying or intense job.

I dont possess any drive to prove myself to the world like most people seem to. Everyone around me seems so worried about this kind of thing. Maybe there is some kind of testosterone imbalance there (or similar)? It's not that I dont care what people think.. its that I dont have the drive to want to prove myself.

I actually think I accidentally misrepresented my feelings in the OP... I was in a rush to get to work as I finished that post.
The thought has now crossed my mind that yes, there is a possibility I could use it to quickly taper down the opiates, then get off before any severe long-term relationship had formed with the amphs...
I guess i'm just much more afraid that I will end up addicted to both, or trade one addiction that has 'run its course' for the most part, for a new one that could turn out to be a lot scarier in the long run. While rationally it makes no sense to throw yourself down this path of addiction once you've already been down it once before, I can easily see my mind taking me that way. I'm not claiming to be powerless against my urges, I just have a pretty bad track record.

 

[neversickanymore]

cartesa.. I assume you are male as you expressed the possibility of the testosterone... although I don't believe that this is the cause of lack of motivation (heavy drug abuse is most likely the cause of that) it is a real possibility. heavy prolonged opiat use frequently leads to very low testosterone. Low testosterone can have a myriad of really negative effects. from the obvious low to no sex drive or trouble with erections to much more life impacting like fatigue and depression. >here. < The very fact that you are expressing apprehension about the possible use of the amphetamines would likely indicate something to seriously consider. I do agree with the seeker in the fact that a low therapeutic dose of the amps would be beneficial to alleviate some of the more common paws symptoms, like depression and apathy. As the addiction shifts its techniques to try and drive use it could however become a burden rather than a blessing as it could increase restlessness, anxiety, and fear. you will most likely not want to use it when in acute withdrawal.. I however did use methylphenidate through times of my methadone withdrawal as I felt so bad it could not possible make me feel any worse and actually helped with the depression, cravings and fatigue. For the acute withdrawls of the opiates I would explore clonidine and a possible restless leg syndrom drug . Remember that the real battle of addiction begins after the acute withdraws are over and you go into paws and long term abstinence. Most likely you will need to develop a support system. I would recommend setting up and becoming familiar with all this before you detox.. as there is a really short window between the end of the acutes and the onset of the insane emotions, including fear and anxiety (social) so you social anxiety may be a real force to be reckoned with. I had terrible social anxiety for decades and finally got to the root of it.. its root will be the same as yours, the unconscious need for the approval of others. Your lack of motivation and limited inspiration are deeply tied into this as well as the way to cure and i do mean cure, the social anxiety is to identify develop and believe in YOUR morals and values.. don't know about you but anyone tells me i need to develop morals and I get defensive, all morals are is a way it important for you to act, not the church or the state, YOUR correct morals are the way YOU know you should act. YOUR values are what is important to YOU, not what your teachers say is important, not your parents, not society, what is important to YOU.. SO think about your social anxiety, AS I AM SOOOOOOO familiar with this let me state a little of how I would be almost certain you feel.. most likely you experience this greatest around people that you do not know if they like (approve of you yet) and it is heightened around someone you will care a great deal about their approval, a beautiful girl or man you like, someone you respect and look up to, a group of strangers that you think are cool, people in your age group.. the reason this is happening is because you are putting thier values before yours, you do this by giving validity to what you value based off what they think or their reaction to your values... a simple way to describe this and the secenario has nothing to do with you and is totally fictitious.. lets just say you love collecting sea shells, every morning you get up early to collect sea shells, you may not even be aware of why you do this early in the morning, but there you are out walking along having the time of your life because the serf was rite and it had washed up and dug out a ton of amazing shells.. you are absolutely freaking on the amazing shells you are finding and have almost lost all track of time and space.. killer shell .. amazing shell.. monumental shell.. you are the happiest you have ever been when you rase a shell to the sky, but as you do so you see out of the corner of your eye a potential mate that has obviously been watching you.. you go from bliss to agony and anxiety and fear.. WHAT JUST HAPPENED THERE.. you were doing something you loved (something you valued) but the minute someone else saw this, you unconsciously, you needed their approval to confirm that it was ok or good.. so your anxiety went off the chart waiting for that persons reaction.. the solution lies in identifying and accepting your values.. after you accept your values.. beautiful mate sees you collecting seashells in the morning, you see them, bam they are hot, finish picking up the seashell and walk over to talk.. difference, you accepted your value of the seashells as the rite value for you and what the other person thought lost all its power.. the two potential lovers disappear down the beach looking for shells...... the values part comes in in it is the way YOU feel YOU should act.. if you are acting according to YOUR morals then you will no longer need the approval of others on you actions.... social anxiety in a nut shell.. a good therapist can get you over this, think about getting one, for me once someone explained WTF was going on i never looked back.. you can do this
lots here and I have more.. what do you think about any of this?%)

 

[theseeker]

neversickanymore- I really love your seashell analogy. I think I'll keep that thought with me, it resonated with me, I learned a lot from that.

Cartesia I have a doctorate. It has seldom given me any pleasure to have one. I like thinking about things in my field but I got way more education outside of school than within it's confines. My career has given me more worry than anything else. So getting a big-time job and making that money will never make you happy (not that I make a lot of money- I don't). I guess I'm trying to say that having a lot of drive has its place, but if it's not for you then fuck it- it's not for you. As neversick said- you've got to keep to your own values.

That said, it sounds like you've got a touch of the old ADD (I have no medical credentials so it's another guess). At least you have some of the tell-tale signs such as having trouble completing tasks, etc., while being very obviously bright. If I'm correct about the amateur ADD diagnosis, maybe you could do with some amphetamine like drugs to keep you focused. While you say you've got a bad track record- perhaps someone could dispense this medication to you? Other people here on BL have reported success in doing so.

I say that because maybe it would be worthwhile to go back and finish your degree. If you could focus on your work- you'd have less time to think about drugs and you will have finished something you started. Despite what I said earlier about my own educational experience- it is somewhat satisfying to complete something......as ephemeral as that feeling might be. If not, then fine. I hope you can keep your fascination with literature, etc. No institution can confer upon us the sense of wonder that can make life so delightful at times.

In any case- I'd make getting off opiates your first priority. As neversick said, that low T thing can fuck with your life in sooooo many ways. I went to get a blood test the other week and my testosterone was low. I know the opiates have played a part in that. Get them out of your life. Taper, take ADD drugs, lyrica, whatever- but the end of the road has been reached. Can you share with us a plan you have to get off them now that you've gotten some input?

 

[Cartesia]

Hey guys thanks for the responses....

Neversickanymore.. yeah, pretty much nailed it. It's nice to know there are people out there the same way. I've never met any really, although my cousin is like that too.

Things have been going surprisingly well. I mean I can't talk to the longterm implications, but basically been taking 20-25mg dexamphetamine a day for about 5 days now (OK took a little more on the weekend... probably like another 20 on fri/sat night)... But I think it's kind of confused my brain or something, into thinking that mild opiate WD symptoms are just mild amp comedowns/side effects. Also my attention is elsewhere of course, and Im artificially feeling good/focused on something. Without even trying, I've gone down to taking 1/2 my opiate dose every ~18 hours instead of 100% of my regular dose 1-2 times a day... in fact yesterday was more like 2/5 of a dose and almost 24 hours.

Granted, it's 5AM and I'm awake right now, but I dont feel sick. I just feel awake. Up until now I dreamt all night long. Something that hasn't happened to me since opiate addiction really. at least not since it got bad.

So in regards to a plan... Keep doing what I'm doing, try and keep winding things back. At this point I'm not so worried about my initial fears of amphetamines.. I dont have any urge to push the dose. That said, I dont think Id choose to take them continually, even if I do have some form of ADD... Will eventually develop tolerance anyway and so may as well just deal with things now rather than later. I may use them as a kind of buffer if I reach the point where I'm off opiates and I have an urge to get high... better to be not the one I have the love affair with.

So of course the real challenge will come when I dont have any drugs to hold my attention on a daily basis... But, I've felt what it feels like to be off opiates.. While the WDs scare the shit out of me, the feeling afterwards was absolutely wonderful. The intensity of everything, etc. Sure things hurt more too, the cold bites harder... But something changed in me about my attitude toward the drug I'm addicted to a year or so ago... so I hope this time, once I'm off I'm off.

Time will tell!

 

[theseeker]

Wow, that's really good. I've heard of people who use amps to get over opiate w/d. Can't use them myself b/c of bp problems and panic disorder. Anyway congrats on such a striking reduction in your opiate use. What you are taking is the usual adult dosage for dex for treatment of ADD if I read the internets correctly. If you have a healthy cardiovascular system, I'll bet you've gone the better route. I've heard of people with big cocaine habits report w/d symptoms when they stop- but it's nothing like opiate w/d. I really hope you dodge the bullet on this one. You could always cut back on the dex slowly to gradually acclimate yourself to a drug free life. If you need to get high, smoke some weed in the future. I just smoked for the first time in like 2 weeks on Friday night and had a fucking awesome experience.

 

[Cartesia]

Thanks. The problem with weed for me is my main 'issue' in life, is social anxiety. and weed spazzes me out about that.
I get minor panic attacks sometimes, but amphs have always made me more confident, not less.

I want to add something else that maybe someone can help with.. A friend of mine's been getting very into brain chemistry/supplements/etc.. I started describing things to him about my life, about my sleep patterns, different drugs' effects on me. He's brought me to the conclusion that I may have some kind of dopamine imbalance/something is wrong with that system.
Now maybe this is related to the opiate addiction, but I have always had issues in my life long before I started opiates, so 'hopefully' (?) it is actually a more core problem that could solve other things.

The biggest thing that triggered this was my reaction to benzodiazepines (and alcohol) compared to the standard reaction (with regard to dopamine rebound) and also that as soon as I started taking the dex, not only has my day to day life 'normalised' but my sleep patterns have gone from 'not being able to sleep until i literally black out then sleeping until 2-ish PM, to being asleep before midnight and waking up almost exactly 8.5hrs later - and actually feeling awake when I do.)

I'm wondering if there are any dopamine-system modifying drugs/suppliments around that don't fuck with things that shouldnt be fucked with, and arent addictive/tolerance building that perhaps I could investigate?

 

[neversickanymore]

there are supplements that can help with the dopamine.. and this is most likely the underlying drive for addiction.. we reset the parameters of our dopamine system by introducing activities that caused dopamine release that are so much higher than "natural". everything is relative and now we are relative to a new standard in dopamine, opiat receptors drive the physical dependence of opiates but the dopamine reward pathway and the old mammalian brain of the limbic system drive addiction.. http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/673580-Hey-I-thought-the-grey-matter-of-ADD-could-chew-on-this is something that you may look at.. but you will still need to facilitate a dopamine release.... if you look at a fellowship meeting.. you can see all the dopamine releases is designed rite into it, dont know if this was planned or part of natural selection, But here are some instances from NA, hugging causes a dopamine release, the feeling of belonging and acceptance for you, giving oneself the credit for an accomplishment (the round of applause for birthdays but the biggest for today), the accomplishment of speaking at a meeting, the counting of days (dopamine every day), caffeine (most fellowships suck that down like air), smoking before the bans.. at least in the US, OH.. and here is an amazing one, or it seems to me, prayer and meditation have been scientifically proved to cause a dopamine release in US ALL, so yes we are hardwired to communicate or seek guidance from the universe or god, (let us start this meeting with a moment of silence for the addict that still suffers) or a meditation.. stc stc.. that combined with the other powerful things of the meetings cause the HIGH when you attend..

there are so many proven ways to increase your dopamine.. IMO.. and my posts as well as my experience support this, change the way you think, life is how you perceive it, your perception is based on you beliefs, your beliefs are based on your thinking, you can change your thinking, so you can change your perception, so you can change your life, i can not state how powerful this is!!! we do infact choose how life is, not what it is, but how we perceive it, our thinking facilitates the neuro chemical reaction of our brains and that determines how we feel.. Junky Enlightenment start with this insane idea, though the true insanity lies in letting things out of our control determine how we are and really isn't the vast majority of life out of our control?? so we dont control life, but we do control how we perceive it, yeah thats all we did with drugs, but we can do this with the way we think, so back to the simple idea.. tomorrow dont judge anything as bad.. as its only bad if we say it is, i know it seems crazy.. but just for tomorrow, what ever life throws at us we will not say its bad, we are going to have to experience it anyway why would we choose to make it bad??????????

the most powerful way to mange the dopamine imbalance is to change the thinking but there are many activities that facilitate dopamine release.. exercise (12 minutes of aerobic) , prayer, meditation, sex (not addiction sex), music, helping others, artistic creativity, learning, any accomplishment, new experiences, overcoming a solution to a problem, etc, etc..

you will need to fill your life with activities that make you truly happy to overcome addiction, but to do this you will need to identify what make YOU happy..

so in plane speak, you have no choice but to live an amazing life for YOU to save yourself.. "so you think you can tell heaven from hell" follow your heart and nothing else..

you can do this.. the amps have a tolerance so IMO I would keep my use(not abuse ) to 2 days out of seven or they will eventually not be a plus



edit: please see counselor about the SA.. after seventeen years of being told this was a chemical imbalance in my brain, i realized this was a chemical imbalance caused by my brain telling me I need to identify and accept what was important to me and the way I knew I should act because and then act that way, because then I would not care what others thought and i dont.. and i dont and I am not taking and do not want any medication.

 

[theseeker]

I'd throw my suggestion in for regular, vigorous aerobic exercise. The evidence that exercise greatly improves function is mounting. And as the following article shows:

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/18/phys-ed-why-exercise-makes-you-less-anxious/

It can help greatly with anxiety.

 

[herbavore]

^I can attest to this in my own life. I would also add that exercising in nature gives you a double benefit, so running, swimming, hiking, rock climbing, surfing or anything else that gets you out there really helps.

 

[Cartesia]

THanks again guys. It's amazing how much bluelight has played a part in my life, from the first time I was pointed here when I was 17 getting into E/etc, through to sharing my early crazy psychedelic explorations (used to love reading others' too), investigating RCs... all the way through to addiction/now. Lost a couple account passwords along the way but its still always a place I know I can go where there are people who both know exactly what I'm going through and who know more than I ever could about anything drug related.

I will investigate the supplements.
I'm already convinced about the power of exercise... not that I've done much the past few years. RE: The anxiety thing, I'd say I'm probably 75% already dealt with it, compared to how I used to be. Funnily opiates did actually bring something positive into my life, as they gave me the ability to experiment (in a more controlled manner than alcohol) with social situations, figuring out the whole social interaction thing, building condifence, etc... I'm actually somewhat grateful for the whole experience in that way, although it's definitely gone beyond the point of being useful a long time ago and brought many more miserable times.
I did see a psychologist about it for a while. Up to that point I didn't actually know what was wrong with me had a name or even was a 'thing'. I feel like I'm going to get over it all eventually, just some days I dont feel like pushing myself to break the irrational reactions/cycles that still exist.

Things are getting a little WD-ish the past day or so. Yesterday I just went into the city and wandered around drinking coffee for about 4 hours... met up with some people i know who worked in there for a little of that time. Caffeine screws up my anxiety but it does seem to soothe the brain a little at the moment. Its something to do more than anything I guess. Sitting inside a box gives me bad ideas. despite having a million things to do / watch in there. It's just where I've spent so much time on opes its like thats what its purpose is, and thats what i feel it should be like in there.

Haven't been particularly sick at all. Although not much of an appetite, pretty much having to force feed myself. Try to get breakfast in when I get up before I take the dex (usually wake about 6-8 then take it about 11 once i've gotten up/ready/etc.. dont want it to wear off halfway through the day.) and then eat something again before I sleep. Haven't cut back any further at the moment, just hanging at the same point until I adjust for a day or so. Still on about 2/5 - 1/2 dose every ~18 hoursish.
Sleeping OK for the most part, although still with the crazy dreams... ALthough to me that's a sign that my brain is becoming more normal/alive... I'm getting some mild RLS, but it's not to the point that its really annoying or even that I'm consciously aware most of the time. One thing that's killing me right now is that my bike got stolen.... I was really getting into riding it whenever I needed to release some energy.

Thankfully my 'boss' boss went away on holidays last week, and I got my direct manager (who is a friend of sorts) to approve me a month of paid leave beginning like... today. So I'm hoping to be through this whole mess before I have to go back to work. That's one less thing to worry about.

 

[neversickanymore]

^ sounds like you are doing pretty good I want a months paid leave EDIT: i want twenty years paid leave at quadruple pay

the most powerful way to mange the dopamine imbalance is to change the thinking but there are many activities that facilitate dopamine release.. exercise (12 minutes of aerobic) , prayer, meditation, sex (not addiction sex), music, helping others, artistic creativity, learning, any accomplishment, new experiences, overcoming a solution to a problem, etc, etc..

you will need to fill your life with activities that make you truly happy to overcome addiction, but to do this you will need to identify what make YOU happy..

 

[Cartesia]

Thanks. I haven't taken leave in a long time! (not working usually = too much free time = blowout in drug spending) Things are goin better than I anticipated. Much better. But now that it's been a little while, I'm getting the urge again to hit a full ope dose... knowing that just these few days will make it feel that much better. The only thing stopping me is knowing I have something else instead. Not sure what I'll do after that, but one step at a time I guess.

*edit*
Also I might just add, I took a break from the dex on sunday. It was OK. I slept alot and ate a bit more than usual. Wasn't much time for me to worry about getting high as I was fairly tired/distracted most of the time. I couldnt handle that on a weekday though without going right off the rails...

 

[neversickanymore]

the thing with opiates is that after a while I put all that effort to feel 30% as good, for half an hour or so, as I do all the time now.. the honest a heaven truth, i feel better 99% of the time, than i did 100% percent of the time back then.. something to think about.. we just forget how good it feels being us

 

[Cartesia]

the thing with opiates is that after a while I put all that effort to feel 30% as good, for half an hour or so, as I do all the time now.. the honest a heaven truth, i feel better 99% of the time, than i did 100% percent of the time back then.. something to think about.. we just forget how good it feels being us

exactly! Just.... 99% of the time this is my thought too... its that 1% of other time, when the brain gets all loopy and shortsighted! 8(

Today was a bit crappy. No particular reason. Just was.

I didn't screw up. although I wanted to at one stage. When I came home I went and bought a bunch of fresh healthy food, having realised it's been a while since I ate anything that could be considered healthy besides meat with the occasional lettuce leaf.
Made me feel surprisingly better. Even just the act of thinking about such things. It's weird like that... All the things you just dgaf about on opiates. Like starting to notice what a horrible mess my room is. Haven't worked up the strength to start on that disaster yet though.

Tomorrow I think I may try to lower my ope dose again.. or maybe decrease frequency. Would like to get down to once every 24 hours to make things a bit more consistent... 2/3ish of a day is a bit hard to keep steady as things change from day to day. Depends how I'm feeling when I wake up I guess.

I'm noticing little bits of different WD symptoms here and there, but for the most part its not a major pain or inconvenience. Have not been spewing green acidic fire water from the butt as-per cold turkey WD at least, or had any fever/temperature induced headaches/delusions/hallucinations at night, which was always the worst part to me. This mildness of it all is pretty relieving, although it makes it hard to want to push myself to wind down as quickly as possible. I guess slow and steady is the best way to go though. Sustainable changes rather than drastic ones.

 

[theseeker]

Well, what worked for me was dividing up whatever my daily dose was into an AM dose and a PM dose. I would gradually reduce the AM dose first b/c I find it easier to deal with w/d during the day. If you let yourself get really into your work, interactions with others, etc., you will be too distracted much of your time to concentrate on the w/d feelings. This also has the advantage of having that feeling of relief coming at the end of the day. If you're having a particularly shitty day of w/d, you at least know it going to end after work. That's how I got down to taking one dose every 24 hrs. Chipping away at that night dose is tough, though- because the relief you get at first is significant. It's like when you stop banging your head against a wall and it feels good to have stopped.....so I'm dealing with that now. I went on vacation last week and went back to my old DOC (oxy) and this week I went right back to my old, once a day dose of ultram. Been a tough week but I'm feeling better every day.

 

[Cartesia]

Thanks, yeah the problem I have I think is just that I need a bit more time to adjust. Taking even half a dose twice a day has nothing like the effect of taking a full dose once a day in terms of staving off withdrawal - I found long ago that the single regular sized dose would buy me upwards of 36 hours of comfort, whereas if I took half a dose even twice 12 hours apart it would barely get me through 24 hours before I started to feel the first signs of sickness/discomfort. I'm kind of below the dose point where the opes would be giving me any comfort, its just limiting WDs to being as minor as possible and providing some relief from the symptoms that start to creep up in the 1-2 hours before my next dose... I guess this way I feel less tempted. Sure its still relieving to get my dose.. but not in a way that feels good, just in a way that feels less bad. The other drugs are what are carrying me through the day at the moment. I know I'll feel better once I'm off it all - I've had a few clean weeks over the past 8 or however many years. Things will hurt harder too but I kind of want some intensity to return to my life after so many years of dullness.

Once I've gotten through the largest effects of dropping my dose to where it is at the moment (I presume another couple days should do it at most), it should be a similar enough step to cut back again to one dose a day. Or perhaps just stretch things out by an hour or 2 every day even. I would definitely be saving the one-a-day for later in the day, though - agree about that part 100%. (although as mentioned, thankfully I don't have to worry about work/etc )
- generally the first half of the day I'm occupied/havent had enough time to fill my mind with shortsighted escapist addiction rationalisations.

 

[Cartesia]

I fucked up today guys. took a full dose. this is 1 week after starting the experiment basically.

I had taken 1/2 opiate dose yesterday about 3-4pm, I woke up today to realise id left my dextro at a friends house (luckily he doesnt know its there/isnt one of those type of people). I hung around trying to call him all morning, by this point I was coming down with the mild WDs, but wasn't due to dose until after I'd had my d-amps and theyd faded. I was driving myself crazy just sitting here trying to figure out ways to get the d's but couldnt come up with anything, so i needed to make it through until tonight.

On the one hand I dont feel any 'need' for the d-amps, which is good. i got up and did my normal routine and everything. but then once my mind wasn't occupied, I found myself heading straight for needing *something* to kill time. I am a little high, not enjoying it as much as i thought i would be though it does feel nice,

 

[Cartesia]

Just in case anyone is still interested. I'm doin OK. not great. I've fucked up and gone backwards/forwards/backwards a bit with the opes. But OK. I am fine with not taking the dex still, been through periods of not having any and not been having a cry about it or even noticing really, although my opiate use seems to go back up when I dont have any.

Yesterday I took no opiates at all. I went I think about 36-40 hours. I'm gonna try and do the same again. I'm particularly broke this week so hoping to end things for once and for all, even if it is a bit of a rough landing. Fuckit. Things had to end eventually and a couple nights of pain separated by a crash-landing of 1/4ish ope dose 2 or 3 times dont seem like that great a cost for the rest of my life.

I have enough dex to wind down my dose over the next 2-3 days and that's it. Too poor to resupply so we shall see what happens. I think I have what it takes, but I have failed myself many times before.