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Just took my first suboxone, TRYING to keep with it need inspiration PLEASE

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skitten9

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Mar 26, 2013
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Hi, I'm 26 yr female and i've been snorting brown heroin (1 bag a day .3-.4 all at once) since sept/oct (sometimes two bags) but lately just the one, with very small breaks (sometimes, rarely) and used with suboxone when i couldn't get any brown.
I've been planning my kick and wanting to do it and i just took my first 2mg suboxone at 10am today. (i have 10mg of strip left)
and it took about an hour to kick in but i still feel ok, once in a while getting cold/hot sweats and have a headache and that's it for the physical symptoms.
I'm not depressed but i defiantly have cravings. Whenever i think of money i think of getting high, but then i snap myself out of it when i realize what i was thinking and say "no way, you cant" and then back and forth the voices in my head are arguing.
Im worried too, that I wont complete this. every time I got high (just like everyone else) i say this is the last time, its not even worth it cause i wasn't really getting "high" anymore anyways, only once in a while. but the entire thing became a ritual. just from hearing my dealers Spanish accent on the phone "hey mama", to getting that evil stuff up my nose. I just need to keep my head straight, i know people have gone thru much worse.
If anyone has any words that may helps me or experiences etc please dont just look at this thread, say something, anything. I see over 200 ppl read my other threads and only a couple people take a moment to say something. I've never been thru anything like this before and i have NO ONE to talk to, I'm doing this alone (my friends and family dont know)

Thank you in advance.
 
The ritual becomes more addictive than the drug over time, mainly because the drug stops working and you forget really how it even feels to be slammed with euphoria. It is all about getting well. But ya, the rush that is cash-in-hand and your dude giving you the green light becomes more exciting than the high. The heroin high, after a tolerance, really is shit compared to other drugs, but that chase remains exciting. It is why you never get high in your dope dreams - your mind loves the chase.

So you have a cool source and money is around. Cool, but that won't last. Your dealer will get locked up, your money will run.out
But you will remain just as sick in the mornings, and seriously things go from chill to really freaking bad all of a sudden. None of us want to spare you of the highs that you feel like medicate you. We are trying to save you from the collateral damage and emotional torture that inevitably comes as a habit rolls on.

I have been doing this for a while. I have 17 days now, but have gone on much longer clean runs before. Getting clean each time sucks, but the more times I do it, the more reinforcement I have that it DOES get easier as long as you get a few weeks clean down. I am sure you fear right now that you are forever fucked, but life WILL go on and you WILL get your old self back if you can hold back.

Keep taking sub for a few more days. The worst of it is over by day 4 or so.
 
i feel ya! i can't say i completely understand, but i can def relate! my vice is oxy (400-500mg/day) - i have no idea how that compares to h, but i imagine a habit my size is prob somewhat similar to a very teeny h habit? it doesnt matter, anyway, i suppose...i can surely understand/appreciate what you are going through, as i am in pretty much the same place! the internal dialogue, the frustration, the disappointment, the anger, the self-pity...it all has to stop at some point!

what i've found somewhat helpful is using AVRT: http://www.rational.org/index.php?id=36
this one is also useful: http://www.smartrecovery.org/

my biggest downfall is the PAWS - just trying to live life like every other squid on the planet...i sometimes wonder how do people get through each day without opiates? how do they deal with stress? how do they celebrate? i envy their happiness, their relationships, their successes and accomplishments...and then i think, i can do all of those things, i can find happiness from within...afterall, cheating the system and getting your happiness from a chemical (altho it feels awesome!!!) can't last forever! i know think about all of the other things i can do with my money, relationships that i can build, important things like meeting someone special, having children...a real happiness and feel-good from taking a child to the park, or helping someone...real endorphins :)

i've done TONS of reading on PAWS, and have packed my arsenal with DL-phenylanine, vitamin B's, and all sorts of other vitamins & amino acids to squash those PAWS!!!

you just have to think/believe that getting and staying clean is for the best...everyone else in the world can live without opiates...and we can too!!! :)
 
you can do it, you know you can.

I was much worse (a long time ago now) and now I am a school teacher. Life on heroin is boring and lonely, you know it is.

Learn your triggers
Move (far) away - stay with family (you can't do this alone). I moved to the other side of the world for 3 years.

Suboxone is a good way to go. Take things slow. Do it right. Get a suboxone script if need be (when you have re-located)

If you really want to do it you will do it.

Be smart, start planning now.


Draw up a mind map (pro's and con's / does and don't / triggers etc) and an action plan to take.

Talk to professionals

It get's easier with time.

Good luck
 
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Believing in yourself is a major first step. Willpower. <3

Try to picture yourself in a few months of just how much better you will feel from quitting heroin, what you will be able to accomplish, etc.

Like deee said, triggers can play a huge role, so try to identify those also. You've come to the right place for recovery support.
 
I was a 40 plus bag a day user and now I have 6 months clean. I was on suboxone for over 3years, using on and off. but this past september I went to detox and rehab. It took 3 weeks to kick, cause of the long length of time I was on suboxone. It should only be taken for a few weeks to maybe a month most.
I suggest going to see a doctor that can help manage your withdrawal. If you cant do that, then I would guess at the low amounts you been using, that you can get thru withdrawal in a week.
But to stay clean I highly recomend giving N.A. a chance. Its what has kept me clean 6 months
 
I am a 21 year old male going through something similar. From my experience, the biggest thing is to remove triggers and find something(s) to do to take your mind off of the stress and cravings. Once you get through the first few days it is all mental. Some willpower and a good friend will do wonders to help you through it.

Personally, I deleted the phone numbers of my old contacts, started hanging out with my friends who don't use (or at least are respectful enough not to use in front of me), and starting picking up some old hobbies. I am focusing more on school, listening to/playing music (I am a hobbyist drummer and DJ), spending time educating myself on topics I enjoy, etc.

Just get in the routine of not thinking about getting high and instead enjoying the gift that is life. So many people end up in jail, completely broke, or dead from their use. You are lucky, you are stopping while you are still young- while you still have your life in front of you. Enjoy it, make the best of it. Don't focus on how you could be high, instead focus on how you are starting to feel better, how your emotions are returning back to what they once were, on how much more productive you are. After about a week I felt like I was starting to come out of the fog so to speak, I was thinking clearer and I truely began to realize how irrational my heroin use was. I do not regret the vast majority of my drug use, but I sure did not get many positives out of heroin.

I am currently two weeks out, and I honestly don't even need the suboxone any more (and I had a significantly bigger habit than you did, luckily also a non-IV habit). I keep them around and take it maybe once every three days/if I am having particularly bad cravings. While it can be argued this reinforces the cravings more than having a consistent bloodlevel, I feel the tradeoff of not being completely dependent on the subs to get through the day is worth it. This is what works for me, you might find you need the constant blood level to feel stable, or you might find that suboxone is completely unnecessary. To each his own.

Another thing to consider if how big a role your environment plays in addiction. If you used in your bedroom, try rearranging it or painting it a different color. If you used in your friends bedroom, try to avoid going there. Just find what works for YOU and stick to it. If you don't trust yourself not to use, then dose the sub first thing EVERY MORNING so you cannot use later in the day. Just keep going like this, one day at a time. It gets easier, alot easier. Stay strong. This will become a phase in your life you look back on and wonder what the hell you were thinking, instead of a crucial part of your life you feel you cant live without. PM me if you need too, having someone to talk to about all this really helps. :)

P.S.
From reading your post it sounds like you don't have a suboxone script. GET ONE!!! This will remove the risk of you getting caught with subs, force you to be drug tested (which sounds horrible, but keeps you accountable!), and gives you a constant source of suboxone, which can be a life saver on those days where you just feel like you NEED dope. It can be expensive but if you have health insurance it is very managable. I pay 30$ per doc visit and 45$ to fill my script. If you could afford heroin every day you can afford this. Think of it as medical treatment. You wouldn't skimp on a surgery would you? Skimping on staying clean potentially has just as many negatives on your health.

P.P.S.
I second the use of vitamins/amino acids. A good multivitamin will help you. Also get plenty of sleep.
 
I have tried on sheer will power for the past 5 years and that wasnt enough. The only thing that has worked is getting involved in the N.A. Program. I did detox and rehab also, and did an out patient rehab after my inpatient rehab was over. All the places I went to, the coucelors there said its not a willpower thing
 
As far as the willpower thing goes, I am of the opinion it really depends on the person.

A small percent of people are entirely capable of quitting horrendous habits cold turkey just through sheer willpower. They need no outside help and are entirely self-motivated. They just "man up", get through withdrawl, then move on with life. These people are lucky, and I have only known a few of them.

Some people (I think I am in this camp) are able to quit with a combo of willpower and outside help- such as suboxone and counseling- especially during the first few crucial weeks. It took me realizing that their are consequences to my use, that I am not invincible, and that I am ruining my future, for me to want to stop. Once I wanted to stop, it became pretty damn easy in all honesty. There are a lot of benefits to being off opiates. The suboxone helps me when things get tough, but if I had too, I truly believe I could continue to be clean without them (it would have been a hell of a lot harder to make the jump from using to clean though).

There are also people who are just not capable of not using without extreme changes to their lifestyles and thought processes. These people will use compulsively, even though they know they don't want too, they know full well it is horrible for them. I feel the "disease" model of addiction applies more to this type of person. They need nonstop treatment, NA, and outside support to even have a chance, and this treatment needs to continue for a long time. To have this personality type is not a character flaw, but a fact of life.

These are just observations from the variety of drug users I have encountered. Regardless of whether you agree with me, or think I am full of shit, find what works for you and stick to it!!! Talk to people, try different treatment options, and don't be afraid of what people will think of you. You have one life to live, do what is best for you, what makes you happy. While short term it might seem like heroin is what makes you happy, go six months without it and get back to me. Its not like you can't decide to use later if you so choose, but you just might find that you are in a much better place without it.

Best of luck to you OP, again if you need somebody to talk to don't be afraid to PM me.
 
Will-power really only plays a limited role in not using, and often for me it was when I didn't want to really stay clean. For example, I feel like when I would cold-turkey detox to pass a probation screen it took some will power. Same with when I would save a dose for morning. But often the will-power itself had negative side-effects, such as anxiety and stress, and these things made me crave worse. It was counterproductive.

My family always hit me with the "man up and quit on your own will-power if you are not an immature little kid" attitude, but they really just don't know what it is like or how deep the addiction holds you. You get clean however you have to and if people don't like it....well F them!

Also, will-power might keep you clean, but so would a cop tossing you into a cell. But it won't automatically make you happy. Happiness comes from relearning how to handle your negative emotions in a better way, and learning how to recognise your positive emotions and run with them. The goal is to eliminate will-power from the equation and be clean because you generally prefer the clean life.
 
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You're doing the right thing trying to get clean. Why don't you want to tell friends and family. If they really love you, which most of them probably do, they will be happy to help.
 
Ah, she has a long journey ahead still, as I she in other threads she is says things like 'how long do I need to wait after a suboxone dose to get high?' and other tolerance questions -maybe needs to hit rock bottom...I've been there, took me 3 years to even think about coming off heroin seriously

I suggest finding something you love doing apart from getting high and moving location

Good luck

Probably hear from you in a couple of years a similar thread when you are 'serious' about getting clean.

(Life's shit and unimaginative when you need Heroin to fight boredom - which is a stupid First World 'problem' anyway)

p.s with these low doses you know you are playing with fire and run the risk of getting a big habit. All it needs is something bad/shit to happen in your life (and sometimes not even this, maybe a weekend partying) and you'll naturally bang your usage up and then you'll have a serious habit and a serious problem, not that it isn't serious enough already.
 
Also, will-power might keep you clean, but so would a cop tossing you into a cell. But it won't automatically make you happy. Happiness comes from relearning how to handle your negative emotions in a better way, and learning how to recognise your positive emotions and run with them. The goal is to eliminate will-power from the equation and be clean because you generally prefer the clean life.
Click to expand...

^This hard! I've just posted this on another thread and though I absolutely hate just cutting'n'pasting cos you deserve a personal reply, every single I word I said on that that thread also applies here. Hey, I just myself saved myself a whole load of typing. Good skills Sepher! ;)

The thing with will-power is it takes enormous energy to maintain. Constant vigilance when your addict mind is trying to do everything in its power to make you break when you're at a low ebb. Will power runs out in the end, you can't sustain it all on your own. You MUST reach out to people. You've made a great start coming here, but real life support networks are gonna be critical for you. Our addictions fill lots of our time for us, pretty much all of it. When you're not on your DOC you're obsessing about it so it's a truly 365/24/7 thing. You must find something to fill that time with something that you find rewarding, whether that's AA / NA, SMART Recovery, hobbies with a social aspect away from drug users and triggering situations, doesn't matter, just find something, anything that will get you through the day and distract you from obsessing over your DOC.

It will take a while to break your triggers. For now you just have to avoid them. Delete your dealers' numbers from your phone, block them if you can. Keep away from other users, or places where you used to hang out to score / use. Other users turn up at your door wanting to get high with you, your door is closed to them, right? Cut them loose. Only people you need in your life are positive people who will help with your recovery, whether they know it or not. Keep on reaching out, keep on not using one day at a time. All you have to do for today is not score, find something better to do. It will get better, trust me.

Good luck! :)
 
I'm getting very repetitive in here... take the advice of people who have real long term sobriety. Go to meetings, very a sponsor, take the steps.
 
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