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just thinking out loud

C

cloud 9

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 15, 2001
Messages
862
Location
Florida
well has anyone ever felt like ending it all.
i mean whats the point. when you work so hard, treat people so good, then get shitted on. day after day it seems. i mean yeah i have stuff to show for and have lead a good life i suppose but i want so much more out of it. i'm begining to think i'll end up with not what i want but what i can deal with. no matter what i do. i'm tired of hearing people say it will get better or asking if they can help. its nice and all but truthfully no one can change it. truth is you cant. then comes the realization of why am i worried. this is so not me. i have always been the type to not worry about what will happen. i usually take it day by day and laugh away worry. being care free and doing what i want is my way of living life. well why is something changing now. i mean what did i do to deserve feelings like this. i mean this is the thanks i get for being a good person who works there ass off. ok so what if i dont believe in god this cant be him. is it regret, maybe. is it doubt, i suppose it could be. i hope i find the answers cause this feeling is not fun. i'm not used to something being able to control me. well anyway ok now that i have vented i'll stop.
 
yeah don't ask what i mean by this reply..its just been going through my head tonight
"what a good boy"
barenaked ladies
When I was born they looked at me and said
What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy
And when you were born they looked at you and said
What a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl
We've got these chains that hang around our necks
People want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same
When temptation calls we just look away
This name is the hairshirt I wear
And this hairshirt is woven from your brown hair
This song is the cross that I bear
Bear it with me, bear with me, bear with me
Be with me tonight
I know that it isn't right
But be with me tonight
I go to school, I write exams
If I pass, if I fail, if I drop out, does anyone give a damn?
And if they do, they'll soon forget
'Cause it won't take much for me to show that my life ain't over yet
I wake up scared, I wake up strange
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change
I wake up scared, I wake up strange
And everything around me stays the same
This name is the hairshirt I wear
And this hairshirt is woven from your brown hair
This song is the cross that I bear
Bear it with me, bear with me, bear with me
Be with me tonight
I know that it isn't right
But be with me tonight
I couldn't tell you that I was wrong
Chickened out, grabbed a pen and paper, sat down and I wrote this song
I couldn't tell you that you were right
So instead I looked in the mirror watched tv laid awake all night
We've got these chains that hang around our necks
People want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same
When temptation calls....
This name is the hairshirt I wear
And this hairshirt is woven from your brown hair
This song is the cross that I bear
Bear it with me, bear with me, bear with me
Be with me tonight
I know that it isn't right
But be with me tonight
When I was born they looked at me and said
What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy
And when you were born they looked at you and said
What a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl, hey
 
i'm begining to think i'll end up with not what i want but what i can deal with.
you'll only end up with what you have, if you yourself willingly settle for that. just remember friend, for every down, there is an up. it may not come right away, and you might not even notice it when it does come... but even if you dont believe in a god, there has got to be something/someone out there who has a hand in all this, and if you are as good a person as you say you are, you will be rewarded. its like the old saying goes, "Good things come to those who wait." I have to remind myself that everyday. i work my ass off too and it feels like i'm never appreciated, or praised, just put down or always reminded of something i "could have done better."
Dont keep that frame of mind. You have to be positive. If you dont at least believe my old motto "Things can only get better," then at least know that all the good you do helps someone, even if THEY dont appreciate it, or thank you for it, or praise you for it, you are helping someone. you are doing something worthwhile with your talents.
Be proud of yourself. That's all that matters.
Click to expand...
 
ohhhhh how well I know this feeling.all I an say is if you want more then get it,dont jut sit around bitching bout the way the world is so unfair,take a chance and go for it.quit your job,move to another country,o whatever it takes to be happy cause its all that really matters :)
 
Cloud I feel like that all too often. What you have to remember is, only you can motivate yourself... it has to be YOU that says it's going to get better, and then don't wait for it to happen, you make it better. Your the one that has to wipe away the apathy and get shit rolling. You gotta do it for yourself. And when you get knocked on your ass you gotta get the fuck up and ask to get knocked down again... that is the nature of it all. Ok, I'm stoned, but stoned or not it's still true. ;)
And a few days later, in an un-stoned edit...
Another thing to think about is this:
The good things in life for most people come in MOMENTS. Life isn't good all the time, as a matter of a fact most of the time it sucks... but it's all worth while when you get one of those Moments of goodness. Sometimes they come few and far between, but living for those moments is what it's all about.
[ 08 December 2001: Message edited by: Web ]
 
Up's and down's suck, and feeling as tho the nice(wo)man finnishes last is something we all think about at times. I am just hoping that one day it will all come back to me, and if it doesn't I will continue to live life.
 
we're all gonna die someday. so it doesn't really matter when at all. it can matter little how. the length of your life doesn't matter. so just dont worry about it, just have a good time. cause someday, you i and everyone, we'll each be on our deathbed, and all the petty things, all the great things, everything that sucked and everything you enjoyed wont matter then. so you might as well just have a good time, regaurdless, and then when you do reach that deathbed, you can think, well it wasn't too bad, and look forward to what's ahead.
 
cloud-9,
Darling, this isn't meant to sound like "been there, done that"....you don't need that right now. However, I have walked the road you describe above and have the scars to prove it. Hell, I can't even buy a handgun in most states because of my past.
Bottom line is this...everytime I felt myself curled fetal and praying for the strength to either end it all or begin another day, I dredged myself up out of the shitty quagmire and trudged on. Most times, it was easier said than done, but I got mad and wanted to show the circumstances, people, and powers that be that they could NOT beat me. It took awhile, step by step, and yes, pardon the cliche, but day by day....and eventually I felt better.
You will find your way through this. You are stronger than you think and I believe in you.
Love,
Caress
 
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