Just stopped fentanyl, 100mcg/hr. Please help

[Jkpoindexter]

I've been at work almost 4 hours. Coming here was a terrible idea. I've only got a couple minutes so I'll check back in after work is over. Physically today seems better than yesterday, could be a combination of a lot of different factors though I guess. Mentally though, I'm just completely exhausted, I'm at my wits end. Emotionally, mostly depressed but not in a felling sorry for myself way, I don't know how to describe it other than near hopelessness and empty. Without purpose.

Still cannot hold down any food and I'm running to the bathroom every 30 min it seems like. I know relief is coming but I need it to come soon. My brain is trying to justify just getting high one time, just once for some relief. Fuck.

Well I'll check back in around 4 hours from now when I get home. Thank you all for this. I wouldn't be this far without you.

 

[Jkpoindexter]

Ok well, I left work shortly after my last post, took the rest of the Xanax (1.5mg) slept a couple hours and now I'm back up. I felt like shit really bad so I took a roxi, this wasn't in my plan and things went slightly downhill as my plan was to take them at midnight, I'm ten hours early. I felt better and took another 45mg purely to get high i think. My mind caved, it's like there are two people inside me and the dark one beat me. I stopped taking them as soon as i figured out what was going on but I'm in no pain at the moment, and for some reason i hate that. Fucked up huh. I gave the rest of the pills to my best friend and he said he'll come by at midnight and give me just one. Apparently i cannot be in control of certain things in this battle.

I really hope that slip up didn't do too much damage as far as everything goes, I just broke you know? I told my family i have the flu so I won't be around the patches anytime soon, thank god.

As far as the side conversation that popped up, I've tried very hard in these posts to not ask for pity or seem like I think I have it worse than anyone else in this world. I also don't recall anyone saying that this is the worst thing anyone could go through, yes its bad and obviously things could be much worse but I don't feel like I've portrayed that in here. I could be wrong or could have misunderstood so, thelostboys, could you possible expand more on what you were trying to convey? Thank you.

 

[MindOverMethadone]

Hey man, it happens to the best of us. I've relapsed...what...50 times? It's all about timing. You need to have time to quit, time to get over the acute withdrawals, and time to recover. Dude, I'm happy to report that I'm on day 7 and I feel tremendously better. I'm still a bit colder than I should be but no biggie. I'm actually considering going out tonight, having me a couple brews with some buddies When you're feeling shitty, 7 days may seem like an eternity, but once it happens....wow. That's all I can say. Wow

Don't beat yourself up. Everyone here has relapsed a million and a half times. Different people require different methods of quitting; it's all trial and error. For me, i had to move out of the country where I had no access to opiates. I was so desperate as to look online to see if I maybe score some H or ANYTHING, but of course I had no luck. Thank goodness, 'cause I would have done anything to get it. Let me know how you're holding up. I'd like to hear your success story one day

 

[Jkpoindexter]

Was able to get some actual rest last night, maybe 2 1/2 hours. I was really depressed about trying to get "high" on the roxi for a little while but honestly man, I didn't make that phone call and get more patches. The only physical stuff right now is a dull ache in the background, i would almost say that im functional at this point. I'm really restless and can tell my body is wanting to end this but it's been 3 days and I'm pretty happy with where I'm at.

My brain is still pretty fucked up, i don't understand why I cant focus on much else but Fenton for very long. I just at some dry cereal and didn't yack it up so that feels good. I'm nowhere near the pain level i was at. You were so right mindovermeth, I needed more time to just not have any responsibility but I can totally handle where im at physically right now. I didn't do anymore roxi. Just Xanax and the rest i got was a lifesaver.

Im really scared though man, i know me, from the sounds of it you know me too. This isn't over and I feel like i have no way to combat the mental aspect of this. Despite all i just went through I am still wanted to get high like 90% of the time. WTF? Its like my brain is broken, im wired to make bad decisions. So where do i go from here? I still have a ton of depression.

What do you guys do to fight this mental fight? I'm going to try and get back to the gym with my best friend but it will be a few days before i have strength i think. I tried to read a book but my mind can't focus for very long. I feel like im crazy or something, so i apologize if im not making much sense. But i have nowhere else to express the thoughts and feeling. Im scared to death man, why would i still want to get high? I still have this emptiness with nothing to put in there.

I've had a really bad headache for the last few hours, probably dehydration right? And besides the ache and chills most of the time I'm nowhere near what i was when i started this thread.

Anyways, im about to make myself get up and do something around the house. I cant just sit here anymore. Thanks again to everyone. Im still moving forward, slowly but at least im headed somewhere.

 

[TheLostBoys]

Well, from reading this thread, Fentanyl is a drug I wont be trying along with heroin. Seems like Fent is stronger than heorin anyway. For you to be doing Fent for 10 months straight non-stop using it w/o a prescription is insane. I cant imagine the temptation of wanting to score.

1) you should drink alot of liquids, water & juices

2) you should get alot of exercise in, will make you feel good naturally

3) imodium ad

 

[MindOverMethadone]

Was able to get some actual rest last night, maybe 2 1/2 hours. I was really depressed about trying to get "high" on the roxi for a little while but honestly man, I didn't make that phone call and get more patches. The only physical stuff right now is a dull ache in the background, i would almost say that im functional at this point. I'm really restless and can tell my body is wanting to end this but it's been 3 days and I'm pretty happy with where I'm at.

My brain is still pretty fucked up, i don't understand why I cant focus on much else but Fenton for very long. I just at some dry cereal and didn't yack it up so that feels good. I'm nowhere near the pain level i was at. You were so right mindovermeth, I needed more time to just not have any responsibility but I can totally handle where im at physically right now. I didn't do anymore roxi. Just Xanax and the rest i got was a lifesaver.

Im really scared though man, i know me, from the sounds of it you know me too. This isn't over and I feel like i have no way to combat the mental aspect of this. Despite all i just went through I am still wanted to get high like 90% of the time. WTF? Its like my brain is broken, im wired to make bad decisions. So where do i go from here? I still have a ton of depression.

What do you guys do to fight this mental fight? I'm going to try and get back to the gym with my best friend but it will be a few days before i have strength i think. I tried to read a book but my mind can't focus for very long. I feel like im crazy or something, so i apologize if im not making much sense. But i have nowhere else to express the thoughts and feeling. Im scared to death man, why would i still want to get high? I still have this emptiness with nothing to put in there.

I've had a really bad headache for the last few hours, probably dehydration right? And besides the ache and chills most of the time I'm nowhere near what i was when i started this thread.

Anyways, im about to make myself get up and do something around the house. I cant just sit here anymore. Thanks again to everyone. Im still moving forward, slowly but at least im headed somewhere.

There's no thumbs up emoticon, so I'll just say that if I knew you, I'd drive over to your place right now and give you fucking high five. I'd give you a high ten!!
As for you still wanting to use, think about it this way...do you want to go through that again? I still want to use constantly, which is clouding my mind and judgement, but at least I'm not in physical pain, and I'm thankful. Thankful to you first of all for letting me help you. You've kept me occupied these last couple of days and I know for a fact that it's strengthened my will to fight this disease. This leach on my life.

These post withdrawal symptoms are almost as debilitating as the physical ones, but we can do it. Like you said, go work out with your friend. I fucking hate running but I've been forcing myself to do it. Lifting weights is even better. I love the feeling I get after a few sets. As for keeping food down, me too At first I couldn't even keep water down, but yesterday I ate pizza, KFC AND chinese food. Probably wasn't the best idea (runs) but shit, tasted so good

Drink lots and lots and lots of water, get some imodium for the runs, and exercise. Doctors orders %)

 

[Jkpoindexter]

High ten back at you Mind, you along with the others have been a blessing. My girl read through this today and wanted me to tell you all how much you're appreciated. So, on to the update...

Took another small dose of Xanax this morning, my anxiety was through the roof and I was restless to the point I couldn't even sit down more than a couple min. Let me start by saying that I really dislike the idea that I'm using other substances to get me through this initial process. I don't want to be replacing habits so I'm doing everything I can take a little as possible and as far apart as I can. Anyways, I slept, for almost 4 hours I slept. My god that was nice. Like I had dreams and drooled. Then when I woke up, the very first thing to hit my mind was, yep you guessed it...

Fucking BBQ sandwich!!! For a short time I woke up the same way everyone else does. Yeah sure the drugs quickly came back into my mind and I struggled with that most of the day but I felt human today. Even though it was just a few moments it was a battle I needed to win. I kept the sandwich down (obviously paid the price with the runs but I don't care) been able to drink a decent amount of cranberry juice and a couple of pedialites without yacking. The physical "pain" is still there but not nearly as overwhelming, it mostly just feels like I have the flu. Some other small things here pand there too like feeling kind of confused for no reason every so often. But that's a lot better than being in the fetal position praying for this to end.

My friend brought one 30mg roxi, I decided to only do half and see where that goes. Ill probably just take the other half tonight if I get bad off again physically but I gave it to my girl with the instruction that I only get it if I'm in physical pain again.

I tried to read a book today but I just cannot focus that intently on one thing, so I took your advise and got ready to go run, about 20 seconds into the run I decided a brisk walk would be a better start lol. Anyway i managed about 30 min of walking and it for sure helped. Felt good to just do something.

I'm pretty drained emotionally and mentally too. In the same way that my body temperature goes from one extreme to the other rapidly, I'm getting irritated and angry at times over nothing. Also I just break down and get this completely hopeless feeling that consumes me, any ideas on what could help that?

Overall I'm still pretty scared of going back to using. You know, at some point I'm going to be faced with the immediate decision to grab another patch. I'm going to have to come out of this little cave that i built for the moment and out there WTF will i do? I'm kind of tensed up and anxious right now so I'm going to go sit in the shower until the hot water runs out. Great to hear from you all and once again I cant thank you enough. It's such a tremendous help to not feel completely alone right now.

 

[TheLostBoys]

You say you get a hopeless & empty feeling inside yourself. Are you a religious man? If ot, spiritual in some way because it always helps to know you can be comforted from a higher being when you are in despair.

 

[MindOverMethadone]

^ What he said. I am in no way religious, but when I was in excruciating pain, I found myself asking God for help. This is kind of a random blurt, but I always turn the middle cigarette in my pack upside-down, which I call my Jesus cigarette. It may seem superstitious but every time I'm in need of some "divine intervention", I smoke that Jesus cigarette and I swear...things always turn up

Where the hell can I get a good BBQ sandwich at?! I don't know what part of the country you're from but I've been craving me some In-n-Out so badly!! If you're ever in the Cali area, get a double-double with extra everything ANIMAL STYLE WITH ANIMAL STYLE FRIES AND ASK FOR EXTRA PACKETS OF ANIMAL SAUCE!!. Damn it, I need to eat now. Glad to hear you're holding up though!

Don't worry about the xanax, I had a bunch of 0.25mgs that I was eating like candy. Sure as hell made me feel better, even happy at times :D I stopped after a few days, and I have absolutely no cravings for it. Replaced it with exercise and lots and lots of food and water.

I'm on like day 9 now or something, I lost count Still got the chills (very minor), the runs, lethargy, depression. I think TRYING to be social is very important. Don't just sit in your room and wonder when it's going to end. Go talk to people. You'd be surprised how easily you can forget your physical and mental anguish by distracting yourself with a good, hearty conversation. I make it sound like soup, but that's how I look at it. Chicken noodle soup for the mind. Mmm-mmm Good.

 

[Jkpoindexter]

I'm not really a religious person but i am spiritual and have a relationship with God. By not religious I mean that I don't the the church aspect of Christianity. I have no doubt that god has been here with me through all this and without him I wouldn't have made it. I think he led me here and put you guys in my life.

On to business...for the best BBQ on earth, you have to get to Memphis, TN. Sandwich wise there's a local place called Brad's BBQ. Great pulled pork that you need a fork to eat with because it's so big. But for ribs...om my you haven't lived until you've tried the ribs at The Rendezvous. Its a dry rub, no sauce. World famous, they've been on the food network a few times as the best. Plus around here every may is the BBQ championships man.

As far am me, well im making it. Today i haven't put anything in my system except a couple Xanax to get some much needed sleep. Got out in the cold and walked again. Felt really good. Tonight was supposed to be the night I go to my see my family and re-up on fentanyl. It's tough to just sit here but i went and got season 5 of Dexter and will probably watch that all night. I've been starting to actually eat semi regularly. Never been to in and out but I'll look it up next time im out there. I go see a friend of mine in Huntington beach area every once in awhile.

As far as the bad stuff goes, no new developments really. Still sucks most of the day but the people i still have in my life and you guys really get me through. I'm really lethargic most of the day and depressed.

 

[MindOverMethadone]

Well I'm on the same boat when it comes to God leading me to these forums. I'm not quite sure how i would have made it past the first few days without constantly venting how I felt. Especially to you, someone who is going through the same thing. Just good timing I suppose. Or divine intervention

That pulled pork sounds amazing. Does it come with slaw? You sound like you're pretty into the whole BBQ scene and I haven't tried much out in Cali...I was more of a "smoke some good weed and get me an even better burger" type of guy. I think you'll like In-n-Out though, everyone does! I went to Huntington Beach last summer btw, and it was the most beautiful place I've ever been to. Cali is just beautiful in general. So are the ladies.

I still got the chills which is really annoying, but my body temperature isn't fluctuating as much as it was. I unfortunately ran out of xanax so I'm just toughing it out right now. Lethargic and depressed. That's exactly how I am too. I'm not sure if I should be drinking coffee or not. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it makes it worse. Watching Dexter should help though. I've watched every season and it's definitely one of my all-time favorite shows. But when we're like this, I think some light-hearted comedy like Sunny would be nice too.

 

[Jkpoindexter]

Yes the BBQ comes with slaw, really thick cut crinkle fries and BBQ baked beans. The sauce is a vinegar based sauce and its not thick like Texas style sauces. Full of flavor and the meat is smoked all day long then thick chopped for the sandwich not processed and stringy.

Cali is quite beautiful, I'd love to go back to the beach soon, i most likely will this spring.

I'm getting extremely irritable and nothing but hot flashes. I have the feeling tonight isn't going to be a good night. My mind was so fixated on today because i was supposed to go get more fentanyl today. Fuck! Just plain fuck! Why the hell do I want to get high so bad knowing what I've been through not only the past few days but what I've destroyed in the past year. I'm obviously insane. I'm way overwhelmed right now, with so many fucked up aspects of my life. There is so much wrong with me, this is what i meant by hopelessness, i don't think there is any way i can get back to the real me.

Anyways, I used to write a lot of poetry back before this monster took over me. I never shared it with anyone but i wrote today for the first time in an unbelievable amount of time. I thought i would share it...

No rainbows or butterflies...
Just dark skies...
Clouded in my head...
Eyes are focusless, can't see...
You seem so far from me...
Where did you go...
Where did I go wrong...
Close my eyes, you've been here all along...
I see you laying here with me...
Get lost in gorgeous eyes...
Finally, rainbows and butterflies...

 

[TheLostBoys]

Yes the BBQ comes with slaw, really thick cut crinkle fries and BBQ baked beans. The sauce is a vinegar based sauce and its not thick like Texas style sauces. Full of flavor and the meat is smoked all day long then thick chopped for the sandwich not processed and stringy.

Cali is quite beautiful, I'd love to go back to the beach soon, i most likely will this spring.

I'm getting extremely irritable and nothing but hot flashes. I have the feeling tonight isn't going to be a good night. My mind was so fixated on today because i was supposed to go get more fentanyl today. Fuck! Just plain fuck! Why the hell do I want to get high so bad knowing what I've been through not only the past few days but what I've destroyed in the past year. I'm obviously insane. I'm way overwhelmed right now, with so many fucked up aspects of my life. There is so much wrong with me, this is what i meant by hopelessness, i don't think there is any way i can get back to the real me.

Anyways, I used to write a lot of poetry back before this monster took over me. I never shared it with anyone but i wrote today for the first time in an unbelievable amount of time. I thought i would share it...

No rainbows or butterflies...
Just dark skies...
Clouded in my head...
Eyes are focusless, can't see...
You seem so far from me...
Where did you go...
Where did I go wrong...
Close my eyes, you've been here all along...
I see you laying here with me...
Get lost in gorgeous eyes...
Finally, rainbows and butterflies...

Hey bro, ive been in that hoplessness place plenty of times & that was when I wasnt using any drugs. Its just a place we enter mentally when everything is falling apart around us. We just gotta have faith that everything is gonna be okay. Nice poem by the way.

 

[MindOverMethadone]

Yes the BBQ comes with slaw, really thick cut crinkle fries and BBQ baked beans. The sauce is a vinegar based sauce and its not thick like Texas style sauces. Full of flavor and the meat is smoked all day long then thick chopped for the sandwich not processed and stringy.

Cali is quite beautiful, I'd love to go back to the beach soon, i most likely will this spring.

I'm getting extremely irritable and nothing but hot flashes. I have the feeling tonight isn't going to be a good night. My mind was so fixated on today because i was supposed to go get more fentanyl today. Fuck! Just plain fuck! Why the hell do I want to get high so bad knowing what I've been through not only the past few days but what I've destroyed in the past year. I'm obviously insane. I'm way overwhelmed right now, with so many fucked up aspects of my life. There is so much wrong with me, this is what i meant by hopelessness, i don't think there is any way i can get back to the real me.

Anyways, I used to write a lot of poetry back before this monster took over me. I never shared it with anyone but i wrote today for the first time in an unbelievable amount of time. I thought i would share it...

No rainbows or butterflies...
Just dark skies...
Clouded in my head...
Eyes are focusless, can't see...
You seem so far from me...
Where did you go...
Where did I go wrong...
Close my eyes, you've been here all along...
I see you laying here with me...
Get lost in gorgeous eyes...
Finally, rainbows and butterflies...

I agree %) Nice poem. Just might have to put it on my tumblr. You'd get credit of course! I know my girl would like it, it definitely applies to her and I.

Well as I've mentioned before, I'm in Korea right now to get away from all that shit, and even though I'm on day 10 now, I was jonesing like a MF! I went to every drug store I could to get my hands on some IMODIUM. I'm serious. But apparently loperamide is illegal here or something? I didn't quite catch everything they were saying, I was running around like a madman. Have you tried Imodium?...Might help alleviate some discomfort if taken along with some benzos. Keep your head up man. you've made it past farther than the majority of people trying to quit. Just remind yourself how much worse it was in the beginning.

**I've never been able to get a hold of any, but apparently clonidine helps a lot with your body temperature fluctuations. We probably don't have that shit in Korea either so I'm not even going to try and look. Maybe you can get it at a hospital or something? It's just blood pressure medicine.

 

[Jkpoindexter]

Thanks, I appreciate the compliments and by all means pass it on. Writing seems to be the only thing that fights the restlessness for me. No I haven't tried immodium so I couldn't tell you if that helps at all. I'm pretty happy I made it through my resupply day. Today is really the first I feel like I've actually accomplished anything. This may sounds nuts but yesterday amidst all the shitty emotions and mindset, I just said fuck it. I mean literally out loud told myself "fuck it" there is absolutely nothing that's going to fuck with me having a smile on my face the rest of the day. It was a fake smile a lot but it was real some too.

I don't know man just try that I guess. Have a good day regardless of what kind of actuall day your having.