- Joined
- Apr 4, 2006
- Messages
- 14,457
I slowly wake from a uneasy sleep that does not want me to wake up yet. Nightmares again and waking up mildly sick. I can't remember what the nightmares where about which is often a blessing. But a far greater drive is telling me to get out of bed as this day is not going to get any easier unless i do what needs to be done. I get up and throw on the kettle and go to prep up some pills. The light is just coming up over the hills. To my dilated pupils the light reflecting off the snow and shining through the windows is almost painful. It must be dawn i think and the clock confirms that. Not that time matters much now as the only clock that currently matters is the one that is sending me into dopesickness. I go and take a look out the big window while i wait for my shot to cool. I look at the new untouched snow and the world is white and green as pretty much all you can see are the trees. I watch the smoke coming out of the chimney of a few houses across the street and it's going undisturbed by wind up into the air. A rare sight here is a sunny winter day but this is one of them.
Time seems to be standing still as indeed the world i currently see is. There is no movement and no signs that anyone has been up and about. Only a set of tire tracks on the drive gives away that anyone else has been up at all. It's as if this view of the world is just for me. My mind goes back to days just like this one long ago. I would most likely be grabbing something to eat and then maybe go skate on the pond and shoot the puck into a empty net until everyone else wakes up. Enjoying the fact that noone is around to see me smoking cigarettes and hash. I always liked this time of day even as a kid and sometimes it seems that i am almost content with the world on these mornings. Almost content i think. Have i ever been content? Maybe for a few brief moments in my 30 years on this earth. The picturesque setting looks almost like something out of a Dickens novel and my dopesick senses are hyper aware of it all.
I go grab my syringe and throw a cotton in the now nice and cool hydromorphone solution. I suck up all 70 units of it and look around my room for my tie. I get annoyed like fuck that i can't see it until i realize it's under a shirt. Must have thrown it there last night. I tie off swab my arm and pull back the plunger. Pulling back on it i see the red cloud which is like a wad of cash to a miser. Is there anything so utterly beautiful yet so ugly? I let the tie go slack and fall off my arm and then i push all the solution into my vein. Before the plunger is even all the way down the relaxing wave hits me almost taking my breath away. My eyes stop watering as does my nose, my stomach instantly unties it's knots and all the pain and melancholy disappears fading as the rush washes over me. I no longer have any problems, worries or any sense of loneliness. Just a warm all encompassing wave radiating all throughout my body. The fact that i hate my life does not matter, my mood swings do not matter, the lack of money does not matter, nothing matters. In this brief moment of artificial peace i feel as benevolent towards the world, the people in it and the surrounding galaxy as one can be. It won't last but some peace is better then none. My head has shut up thank christ.
I get up to make myself some tea, pop 2mg's of clonazepam and i fling on my jacket to go have a smoke outside since it's such a nice day. Only a light dusting of snow fell but it looks beautiful all the same. My mind drifts back to my younger years again when i didn't have to stick a needle in my arm before heading out. What the fuck happened to you i think to myself. How did you get to well this? The best part of the day is shooting up ffs! Bad luck but atleast I'm alive which is more then i can say for many of my friends. A voice says it wasn't all bad luck you just decided that the answer to your problems is syringes, powders and pills . The rush is still there thus numbing the bad thoughts in my head and the past and dismal looking future does not matter the only thing that matters is the rush.
I finish another smoke and go inside. I pick up my syringe, swab and tie and put them all away in there proper place. The rush is dying down now . The curse of dilaudid is that there is no high just all kick. In a few minutes i will feel as if i took nothing except for the fact that i won't be sick. For 6-8 hours anyway. It gives a whole new meaning to living just for the moment.
I get ready to face the day and to decide what to do until it's shot time again.
Time seems to be standing still as indeed the world i currently see is. There is no movement and no signs that anyone has been up and about. Only a set of tire tracks on the drive gives away that anyone else has been up at all. It's as if this view of the world is just for me. My mind goes back to days just like this one long ago. I would most likely be grabbing something to eat and then maybe go skate on the pond and shoot the puck into a empty net until everyone else wakes up. Enjoying the fact that noone is around to see me smoking cigarettes and hash. I always liked this time of day even as a kid and sometimes it seems that i am almost content with the world on these mornings. Almost content i think. Have i ever been content? Maybe for a few brief moments in my 30 years on this earth. The picturesque setting looks almost like something out of a Dickens novel and my dopesick senses are hyper aware of it all.
I go grab my syringe and throw a cotton in the now nice and cool hydromorphone solution. I suck up all 70 units of it and look around my room for my tie. I get annoyed like fuck that i can't see it until i realize it's under a shirt. Must have thrown it there last night. I tie off swab my arm and pull back the plunger. Pulling back on it i see the red cloud which is like a wad of cash to a miser. Is there anything so utterly beautiful yet so ugly? I let the tie go slack and fall off my arm and then i push all the solution into my vein. Before the plunger is even all the way down the relaxing wave hits me almost taking my breath away. My eyes stop watering as does my nose, my stomach instantly unties it's knots and all the pain and melancholy disappears fading as the rush washes over me. I no longer have any problems, worries or any sense of loneliness. Just a warm all encompassing wave radiating all throughout my body. The fact that i hate my life does not matter, my mood swings do not matter, the lack of money does not matter, nothing matters. In this brief moment of artificial peace i feel as benevolent towards the world, the people in it and the surrounding galaxy as one can be. It won't last but some peace is better then none. My head has shut up thank christ.
I get up to make myself some tea, pop 2mg's of clonazepam and i fling on my jacket to go have a smoke outside since it's such a nice day. Only a light dusting of snow fell but it looks beautiful all the same. My mind drifts back to my younger years again when i didn't have to stick a needle in my arm before heading out. What the fuck happened to you i think to myself. How did you get to well this? The best part of the day is shooting up ffs! Bad luck but atleast I'm alive which is more then i can say for many of my friends. A voice says it wasn't all bad luck you just decided that the answer to your problems is syringes, powders and pills . The rush is still there thus numbing the bad thoughts in my head and the past and dismal looking future does not matter the only thing that matters is the rush.
I finish another smoke and go inside. I pick up my syringe, swab and tie and put them all away in there proper place. The rush is dying down now . The curse of dilaudid is that there is no high just all kick. In a few minutes i will feel as if i took nothing except for the fact that i won't be sick. For 6-8 hours anyway. It gives a whole new meaning to living just for the moment.
I get ready to face the day and to decide what to do until it's shot time again.
. This was just something i wrote on the fly back in the winter or early spring i think. I should get around to putting more of my scribbles on the computer one of these days.