Just some ramblings on my drab and fucked up life

It's been a rather few fucked up weeks for sure. First i caught the worst flu ive had in years, then i ran out of morphine, then ran out of dilaudid and i still have some lingering aspects of the fucking flu . So between being sick from the flu and being dopesick i have not been a happy camper.

I am also tapering off my mood stabilizer in order to go on another one that is much cheaper. I am only doing this because i won't have insurance for awile when i move in the new year and there is simply no way i can afford the $70 a month for lamotrigine. Especially since i also take abunch of other meds for pain and to keep me from being a insane manic depressive mess. Tapering off the mood stabilizer is making me irritable and short tempered i think. Either that or it's just because it is now winter and i fucking hate winter.

Ive also noticed a increase in paranoia coming off lamotrigine and this is abit scary. It is one of the most unnerving aspects of having to deal with bipolar disorder or atleast the type i have. I think people are talking about me when they clearly arent and shit like that. I know all of this is fake though and is just my fucked up head messing with me.

I got my morphine script filled finally so atleast im set for that now. Good thing too as i actually needed it due to the fact that my nerve pain decided to flare right up. I spent 2 days in fucking agony with nothing but tramadol which of course did nothing at all. I really have to make a effort to not abuse my morphine script anymore as i actually do need this shit and as much as i like the high i hate the withdrawals worse. Not that the thought of suffering through withdrawals ever really stops anyone from abusing opiates . Being high on opiates does make my life more bearable atleast somewhat.

The fact that im stuck here until the middle of january or longer does not lift my spirits because it seems like a lifetime away even though it's not very long at all. I can't fucking wait to get out of here and leave this place behind me and the memories of it to. To say im going stir crazy would be a major understatement. Nothing to do but try and keep high all day which may sound fun but in reality sucks. It's not for fun it's simply a futile effort to blot out the shit in my life.

Enough whining for now me thinks .

 

nope ive bn there - trying to stay high all day is anything but fun...esp wen ur in a place u hate!

i miss talking to u mate - and u know ive bn online quite a bit lately - if it says im busy on my MSN thats just to tell some ppl to piss off, not including ppl that r important to me, u being one of those!

its funny - i luv being in the middle of nowhere and hate being in the big smoke....and u r just the opposite!
funny how we always want wat we havnt got

were finally selling this shithole of a house and moving out west to Swanson, which is on the border of the Waitakere Ranges (very beautiful and much quieter part of Auckland) - i will even hav a paddock out the back with room to keep a 'project' horse or 2 (horses to train up and sell off for more than wat i bought them for....)

i know theres nothing u can do as far as getting a hobby goes or anything cos ur in too much pain, but do u find modding gives u a sense of purpose? i remember it did for me
ur helping ppl, PA....thats a gd thing
life may seem drab for now, but i think thats partly the depression talking

i really hope u get ur meds sorted out soon cos i know wat its like to see-saw on pharmaceuticals (well for me its methadone and benzos) and its no fun
neither is being dopesick *shudder*
i wudnt wish it on my worst enemy, let alone a cool guy like u

all the best - hope u take some care of urself while ur feeling like this eh mate

 

Ok next time i see you on MSN i'll hit you up. I figured you where just away or something if you where busy. Also if my status is set to away that just means that i want most people to get to fuck. But the fuck off sign does not apply to you so message me if im away .

We are the complete opposite i love the city and you like living in the country. Maybe when i get older i'll live in the country again. I'll probably have a certain special person to keep me company so i wouldnt mind that at all. You know who im talkin about .

Im glad your moving to a place you like. Fuck knows you deserve that so im really happy for you. I will definetely have to go visit you some day for sure.

Modding does give me a sense of purpose thats for sure. I definetely like it but i need more to do then that. As far as hobbies go ive never had any unless going around on 4 wheelers and such and racing them is a hobby. A dangerous hobby none the less.

Your right the depression put's a fucked up slant on things and makes everything seem pointless. I havent been able to shake it much lately either. The dopesickness certainly didnt help.

Hope your doing well. We will talk soon i hope.