Well I'm happy as starting next week I no longer have to cut beams with a chainsaw all day while breaking my back doing a 3 person job by myself feeling my body get worse and worse over time. I was also by myself all day which gets very lonly just you and your thoughts 11 hours a day. This job contributed to me staying on heroin as long as I did as it put me in so much physical pain all day everyday along with all my emotional pain. I knew I had to stop before I ended up the way I was before.
Now I'm on the retail side of things at the same company so that's good I still get the same hours and pay but do half as much work. I know its not something I want to do till the day I die but at least for the moment Ill be happier doing this, not miserable like I have been the past years. I keep thinking about how young I am and how I could do anything I put my mind to yet I seem to be stuck here unable to leave a comfort zone I suppose you could say as I'm used to going to the same work, working the same hours, coming home to the same house in the same place I've always lived, and expecting that same amount of money to go in my bank account every 2 weeks. I'm scared to go outside my comfort zone a lot of the times I would rather just know I'm safe at the moment instead of risking everything trying something new and exciting because I need that stability.
I am doing courses online for psychology and I want to take all the nessesary courses to become a drug or alcohol counsler or something where I can help people addicted to drugs or who are just struggling in life. But I still doubt myself a lot I just don't think highly of myself is suppose.
I want to do something that matters I want to die knowing I made a difference you know?
I don't want to go through meaningless motions my whole life on earth then die regretting everything I ever did unable to change it.
Lately I've been thinking that I'm just always gonna be afraid of change and always going to imagine I can escape looking out into the horizon instead of actually trying. I'm afraid of losing everything if i fail so I just hold on to hope that one day will be different without ever changing anything. This is what I fear when I lay awake at night that I will die before I get a chance to live life.
I always find myself looking out at the horizon on top of a mountain just thinking of everything I want to do and thinking about the possibilities all the places I could go.
I want a wife I want a son I want to know I'm making a difference in the world I want to never be like my dad I want to die knowing I cared for all my loved ones and helped others out of dispair and misery.
Who knows though I keep thinking what if there's no point to anything mabye we are all just cockroaches crawling around on earth and nothing has any meaning we all just live and die and nothing any of us do makes a difference. Mabye I'm just being a bitch who knows I'm just rambling.
Now I'm on the retail side of things at the same company so that's good I still get the same hours and pay but do half as much work. I know its not something I want to do till the day I die but at least for the moment Ill be happier doing this, not miserable like I have been the past years. I keep thinking about how young I am and how I could do anything I put my mind to yet I seem to be stuck here unable to leave a comfort zone I suppose you could say as I'm used to going to the same work, working the same hours, coming home to the same house in the same place I've always lived, and expecting that same amount of money to go in my bank account every 2 weeks. I'm scared to go outside my comfort zone a lot of the times I would rather just know I'm safe at the moment instead of risking everything trying something new and exciting because I need that stability.
I am doing courses online for psychology and I want to take all the nessesary courses to become a drug or alcohol counsler or something where I can help people addicted to drugs or who are just struggling in life. But I still doubt myself a lot I just don't think highly of myself is suppose.
I want to do something that matters I want to die knowing I made a difference you know?
I don't want to go through meaningless motions my whole life on earth then die regretting everything I ever did unable to change it.
Lately I've been thinking that I'm just always gonna be afraid of change and always going to imagine I can escape looking out into the horizon instead of actually trying. I'm afraid of losing everything if i fail so I just hold on to hope that one day will be different without ever changing anything. This is what I fear when I lay awake at night that I will die before I get a chance to live life.
I always find myself looking out at the horizon on top of a mountain just thinking of everything I want to do and thinking about the possibilities all the places I could go.
I want a wife I want a son I want to know I'm making a difference in the world I want to never be like my dad I want to die knowing I cared for all my loved ones and helped others out of dispair and misery.
Who knows though I keep thinking what if there's no point to anything mabye we are all just cockroaches crawling around on earth and nothing has any meaning we all just live and die and nothing any of us do makes a difference. Mabye I'm just being a bitch who knows I'm just rambling.