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Just need to vent... Any support/advice is appreciated.

M

MetaKnightmare

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 11, 2015
Messages
12
I am gonna try to keep this short, but I am stressing hard right now and I need to vent. Anyone that makes it through my wall of text and feels the need to give support or advice, know that it is very appreciated.

I'll spare everyone the immense list of details of my history. I'm not special, I'm just like every other 24 year old drug addict. My story is similar. I started in high school, it has spiraled out of control, I'm lucky to be alive and out of jail. All that.

I've had two different runs on Suboxone. Unlike many others, after everything I still feel like it can be an asset if used and taken properly. I was on it for two years after hitting my personal rock bottom, and life took an immediate upswing. I was living on my own, got a great job, everything was going so well.

My boss gave me the opportunity to move down to Florida, about 10 hours away, for a promotion. I was ecstatic. And even though I knew deep down I wasn't ready, I decided to move, start this new job, AND quit the subs all together. Smart huh? I did my taper properly and all, but still, that's a tough thing to do alone, much less alongside everything else.

It didn't take long for me to realize I couldn't live that way long. After a few days I decided to try Kratom to help me get through it. Surprise surprise, I traded one addiction for another. After a few more months, I decided to get back on Suboxone in order to get my mind and spirit in the right place to live a clean life, which truly is my ultimate goal.

Fast forward a few more months, and the location I am working at now is closing. I am offered another position, but I wasn't wanting to move even further away from my family. So instead, I decide to move back in with my parents, just for a year or so, to finish school, work, and reconnect with them. As if I learned nothing the first time, and with a little added pressure from my dad, I try and remove Suboxone from my life again right after moving back up.

Now, where I live now, Kratom is not accessible. Ordering it isn't an option, as my dad is constantly pressuring me to be substance free. The issue is, after just a couple of weeks sub-free, the inner demon inside got the best of me.

This part I'm ashamed to even discuss on here, much less with anyone in person...

After researching it all over the Internet, I stupidly decided one day to try Loperamide, aka Immodium. I don't want this to be a debate about the BBB and whatnot, that's not the point. The fact is, for me it works. I can get high from it. And I did. Like an idiot.

As if my life just jumped ahead, I've now been taking ridiculously high doses of Lope for almost 4 months. I can't stop. I've tried. And I just can't. It's right there. At Walmart, at every pharmacy, it's everywhere. And it's cheap. I can't take the withdrawals without caving in and getting more, every single freaking time.

So last week, I had a private meltdown in my car. I am so miserable. This shit, this lope, it's killing me. Literally, I know it is. Things have changed. My muscles are weak, I shake constantly when I'm on it, my heart rate is constantly slowed... And I just feel terrible overall. All the time.

It's so stupid. This shit is killing me, and yet I can't go two days without taking more. It's only a matter of time before my heart does something wonky and, if I'm lucky, I wake up in the hospital. I just know it.

So, when I had this brief awakening moment, I knew the only option I truly have of stopping this nasty shit is to take a third swing at subs. I've got an appointment set up on my only day off this week, in two days. It's my only chance of kicking this shit. Until then, I'm taking as little lope as I can to effectively do my job.

So, I'm stressing hard about the conversation I have to have tomorrow night with my parents about this. I'm going to tell them everything. (Everything being the fact that I've been taking Lope for 4 months, my entire addiction isn't a secret or anything) Some details I should hammer out. First of all, I'm self supporting. I pay all of my own bills, including student loans for a degree I didn't finish, for reasons you can probably guess. So the appointments, the medication, everything that my insurance doesn't cover I will pay for in its entirety. I won't be asking for financial support to do this. In fact, I won't be asking for anything really, just their support... I'm just dreading it so much. My parents and I have been through a lot obviously. They are amazing people who have stuck with me, and all I want to do is make them proud and kick this and live a normal life.

But at this point, I'm scared for my life. I've tried so hard to get through the withdrawals, but it's just too hard with it so easily accessible. And I'm fully aware that every time I take it could be my last day. Getting back on Suboxone is my only hope right now, and that's what I want them to understand. I have a job I can't afford to lose, I absolutely have to have the money. Not to mention it's a great opportunity for the future.

I have been in and out of AA and NA, but never fully worked the steps. I always felt okay on subs, never worried too much about life after them...

But I see things differently now. Once I stabilize and get off the lope, I am going to hit the meetings hard. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure I never have to take this demon of a substance again...

The only thing I dread the most is having this conversation. Again, my situation is that I'm 24 and living with them. But they do not support me financially, other than the fact that I live under their roof. I buy groceries and pay for dinner now and then too. And I don't need their money to get back on subs again, only their support.

But I dread their reaction... My dad has caught me in so many lies over the years. And you know us addicts are experts at lying, to a fault. He's finally begun to trust me again over the past few years, and has always told me that there's nothing I can't openly and honestly come to him with that we can't handle together...

I hope he means that.

Sorry again for the long post. If you managed to read it all and have anything at all to say, even if it's how stupid and terrible of a person I am, let me have it. I deserve that if nothing else. I know this story is a bit all over the place. I'm just panicked. I know I have to get off this junk, and Wednesday just can't come soon enough.

One final word. If ANYONE out there reads this and is even remotely considering trying to take high doses of lope for a cheap, easy high.... I BEG you not to. I promise you, from one addict to another, it's NOT worth it. I'd do anything to go back in time and never touch the crap. It's horrible. The high isn't even a high anymore. My muscles ache and are weak, I have bouts of shaking, my eyes have trouble focusing, and I just have this terrible feeling of anxiety inside me that assures me that if I don't stop taking it, I won't live much longer.

And that's when I'm on it. I won't even get into how nasty the withdrawals are. This shit is not to be messed with. Everyone please just stay away from it. Please.

If anyone has any advice on how to broach this subject with my family, please share. I could use any advice/support/kind words from anyone right now...

Thanks for reading.
 
I would suggest you not unload on your parents. True, you have been struggle immensely, and I give you sooooooooooooooooooooooo much credit for having the insight and make the decision to get back on buprenorphine. I would just focus on that right now, you have all the time in the world to talk with your parents. If they are staunchly anti-drug, they are probably staunchly abstinence focused, whereas what you need right now is harm reduction. You need people with experience in recovery and harm reduction/abstinence to help you figure out what your goals are vis a vi your drug use, not your parents.

Loperamide a nasty high, I used it for a while too. I know how easy it can be to use given the availability and desperation of dependency. Get yourself stabilized on buprenorphine and find a good therapist. What it sounds like you would really benefit from is a A) stabilizing on buprenorphine, B) finding a good therapist you can connect with (this isn't always so easy) and C) get involved in some kind of outpatient program friendly with buprenorphine (major hospitals are good placed to find these).

I wouldn't force yourself to rely on just abstinence based mentalities like 12 Step program right now. What you need is abstinence from certain things like loperamide, but you also need harm reduction in the form of buprenorphine and IOP. Given the animosity between 12 Step groups and harm reduction, which frustrates me to no end, it may be difficult to fully benefit from AA/NA meetings while using MAT/ORT like buprenorphine. Just my 0.02 cents, do what works for you.

Just focus on the buprenoprhine and stabilizing right now, that is more than enough of a goal for you to currently focus on.
 
I've read elsewhere on the Interweb that abusing loperamide at very high doses can lead to some really nasty heart conditions that could lead to complete heart failure.

If I were in your position I would do whatever necessary to yet back on the subs, so I think you're right with that idea. It's far from perfect but at least it doesn’t carry the risk of your heart giving out.
 
Thanks so much for the reply man. Yes harm reduction is my focus right now. Unfortunately while I wish it were an option, I have to tell my family something beforehand. See, my dad's bank account is linked with mine. We don't share one it is separate, but it was set up when I was 16 and we linked them and it's just always the one I have had. So when he logs in to his, my account details are there as well. So when I pay for the appointment and everything, there won't be any hiding it. Not without lying to him, and I refuse to do that again.

So while I wish I could avoid throwing this onto their plates right now, I'm gonna have to. My dad isn't a harsh guy, but he's never dealt with this. He's not an addict, not a drinker, nor a smoker, nothing. We have been through a lot since my problems became shared knowledge. He supported me using bupe the first two times, to an extent.

I always got the feeling that deep down, he didn't approve of it. He didn't understand how dangerous it was for me to not be on it, especially for me to come off of it before I truly felt I was ready and mentally and spiritually as stable as I needed to be.

So while he's not strict or harsh, he does pressure me. Sometimes passive-aggressively, which can be annoying at times. Regardless, both times I moved in the recent years, he was part of the reason I tried to quit the subs. While in my mind I knew I hadn't done enough work on myself, he constantly pushed me to jump as I moved.

Now in no way am I blaming him for the situation I'm in now. My disease got me to this point, not my dad. He's stuck with me through far more than other parents would have I'm sure. So I've got to tell him. Again, I am not looking at it as asking for permission. I am an adult and I am in a dangerous situation and a vicious cycle, and I am doing this because I feel it is my best option right now.

But still, I can't help but dread the look of disappointment on his face... I think that he thought that this time I had really moved on and was living a truly clean life. I can't possibly hate myself enough for that not being the case.... Ughhh.

Addiction sucks. I wouldn't put this type of life on my worst enemy.
 
I can totally understand your situation OP, there are some tough decisions to be made, but you know what you have to do. That is half the battle right now. Things will get better once you have stabilized on the buprenorphine.
 
Hey man, I have been in the same boat. I went from opiates, kratom to lope etc. It's a miserable cycle and everyday I felt like shit no matter what sensations I was feeling in my brain. You know your family so do what you feel is right and respectful. I am older than you and my parents still don't believe a word I say even though they say they do, I can feel that lack of trust still exists from all my BS stories that came from a long road of addiction. You have a lot to be happy and thankful for, a job which sounds career oriented, supportive family and a place to stay and get cleaned up and recharge. So I understand the self loathing, I have it as well extremely bad. But from another outside perspective you have a lot of positive things going on and they could always be worse. As long as you have support you will be okay, I found that my parents have always stuck by me no matter how disgusted or embarrassed they were of me. So just be careful and take the necessary steps forward, subs sounds like the right idea. I know how hard it is talking to people who have never been infected with drug addiction and trying to make them understand how you feel and what your needs are. So hang in there man and stay focused on the positive in your life and take one step at a time, that's all we can do. Good luck man!
 
My major motivation right now is the fact that I'm scared for my life. It would be easy to forget it and just keep doing what I'm doing. But I also don't think I would be alive too much longer.

It just isn't worth it. As shitty as this is going to be to talk to them about... Wednesday will be such a relief. I think I am definitely going to look into finding a good therapist or counselor, someone who has been where we have been and truly understands. I think that would help me out a lot.

Thanks so much for your input.
 
I'm glad I'm not the only one dumb enough to get hooked on this garbage. (No offense.) it's a monster. I can't believe how easy it is to obtain, it's scary... That just makes it all the much harder.

You're right though. I have a ton to be grateful for. And I guess deep down, I know how this conversation is gonna go. It will be hard, and we will hash things out and discuss the choices I've made for a while. Then he will go into his speech about how only I know what I need. And that all he wants is for me to be honest with myself... And how he will support me no matter what as long as I'm doing that.

It will go something like that. And that doesn't sound bad at all, so I don't know why I'm dreading it so much... Just very difficult to speak about our demons I guess. No matter how much they may support us, if they haven't been there themselves then they'll never truly know what it's like... So it's hard to justify anything I've done or plan to do when they just don't get it.

Hopefully they'll understand that they just never will truly understand. But I'm gonna make sure they know that I'm thankful for them, and plan to do everything I can to get better.

Thanks so much for your input. It truly is a daily struggle for life isn't it? Man, did we get dealt a shit hand or what...?
 
I understand the feelings of nervousness and hesitation when talking to your folks about the issues. Those are natural and to be expected and it's good in a way because it shows your feelings and the fact that you know what is wrong and you are taking steps to heal. I hope all goes well when you sit down with your parents and just remember how fortunate you are to have genuine, loving support at this stage of the show. Do you still have serious cravings at all for the lope? How is your mental state with putting that down? It sure is so hard to quit because of its accessibility and low cost. I still think about it sometimes, so easy to go to Walmart and boom good to go. But always remember the struggle and agony of withdrawal as one of your better weapons in this battle. Take care.
 
Honestly once I get back on bupe regularly, I am positive I'll have no issue with lope cravings. Bupe has always worked wonders for me. Whatever substance I'm struggling with, Bupe has always instantly put me in a grounded place where I'm far from high, but also happy and content with life as it is. Not to mention how my feelings for lope have changed. I had gotten to the point where I dreaded taking it every day, but I knew I had to just to hang in there. It was a miserable cycle.

As you said, I am extremely blessed to have a support system of a loving family who understands that my condition is a disease and not by choice. That helps but doesn't make it easier to tell them I've fucked up again. Regardless, I'm going to rip it off like a band aid tonight. I am going to tell them what I've been doing and that I am going to stop no matter what.

One difference now from our blowouts before is that I am coming to them with the truth about my condition. Every time before, I let it spiral out of control until they picked up on something and cornered me in my web of lies that continually got more and more lazy. I'm sure you all know exactly what I'm talking about. I feel that tonight will not get as nasty because I am being open and honest with them before things get out of hand and I start throwing out lies again.

I'm still nervous, but I'm going to be a man about this. My dad will respect that. I am going to own up to what I've been doing and show maturity and that I am not going to lie down and just let the lope kill me.

I also think they will appreciate the fact that I have established what I think I need and have taken the necessary steps to obtain that. The bupe Doctor I am going to is at a treatment facility and I'm sure they will be able to help me find someone to talk to and hopefully set up some sort of counseling. I have already done the 30 days of inpatient route, I truly don't think another rehab stint is what I need.

What I need is to stabilize myself on Bupe again, work on myself mentally and spiritually, and decide for myself when to jump off of Bupe. One thing that has hindered me I think is that I have let life (and my dad to an extent) decide when I would jump off of Bupe. But I won't let that happen again. I will not put myself in a vulnerable state again without being confident in the work I've done on myself. That's the promise I am making myself, and the promise I will make to them tonight when we talk.

Thank you guys all of you so much for all the support and advice. It has really made me realize how blessed I am to still have a family at all, much more so a supporting and understanding one. I am still nervous about telling them everything, but I know that in time I will look back at this moment and know that I absolutely made the best decision I could have. And regardless of what I tell them, they will stick with me. They've always reminded me of that, and I am trusting that they meant every word of it.

Thanks again everyone. Wish me luck, tonight is the night. And then tomorrow, everything changes. I'm so ready to get this nasty lope out of my body... While I'd love to be free of any substance at all, I have a lot more work to do before that's realistic. And of the two, Bupe is far and away the much lesser of two evils. I'm looking forward to clearing this toxic shit out of my body.

And again, anyone on the verge of trying lope... Please don't. You'll love it at first. And then you'll regret it as bad as anything you have ever regretted in your life. Trust me, any true addict that has tried it, we know. It's awful and it's not worth it in the slightest.

Thanks again everybody.
 
Dude, I am incredibly sorry to hear. I'll have to second what toothpastedog said.

I think you're getting it figured out.

Thank you for the HR by the way. Had no idea you could bum a high off of lope, but I am definitely not eager to try.
 
This will make you feel better about your conversation! It could not possibly be as shameful as this conversation with my parents had to go! Lol I can laugh about it now but at the time I wished for death! My parents come down (they live 2 hrs away) to sign papers for putting down a bid on a house. They show up to my house expecting to see me and my 3 sons... what do they find? Me crying my eyes out all alone. I had to tell them that my exhusband busted me forging documents from quest diagnostics that my hair test was clean. Naturally it wasn't bc I never went. I took old documents from a previously clean one and did hours of magic. I never asked him why he called to confirm that I did indeed go but my guess is bc I didn't ask him to pay for it. I got away with it the previous year. So now there's no denying my 2 yr relapse! Of course my kids got taken away and I am once again the worlds biggest loser! I'm on mmt and it's all good now. I have my sons 50% of the time. This to shall pass. Atleast you are hurting your kids like I did. Talk about the guilties. They were allowed back as soon as I provided clean drug test. It will be fine. Yes seems bad now but one day you will laugh at how dumb getting addicted to #3 meds are! And I don't mean that in a mean way! It's just ridiculous the lengths us addicts go through to protect our habit. It's actually sad but I can now laugh at myself sitting there for hours cutting and pasteing numbers. You will be OK. It just has to pass.
 
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You have been through so much My3sons, I'm really impressed by how you have been able to turn things around! Keep up the good work, you have a fantastic attitude about all this. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to have children taken away from me, so I give you a lot of credit for pushing through and working hard to accomplish your goals.

A bit of lope to get high is something of an understatement ;) It takes like 100-160mg to get me high, but the side effects - primarily dehydration - are just brutal. I guess I could see myself acclimatizing to them, but it would still suck. I'd so much rather be dealing with a methadone clinic or taking buprenorphine than taking lope. It never ceases to amaze me, what we do to cope with our crazy lives, for sure!

I hope everything goes well with your folks and the doctor MetaKnightmare :)
 
Hey MetaKnightmare -

Sorry I'm so late to this thread. First - kudos for continuing your quest towards health! That's a huge accomplishment- so many people see how tough it is and the amount of work required and just give up. I give you mad props!

Going back on subs is a great idea - certainly much safer than staying on lope. Lope is cardiotoxic and can damage the liver, aside from risking fecal impaction and other extreme unpleseantness. I think when you see your doc about subs you should look into therapy - there is an underlying reason for your substance use, and until you deal with that underlying reason you will continue to fight for sobriety. You mentioned meetings - I found the biggest pro with the 12 step meetings is being able to commensurate with other addicts and having people you can relate to and who can relate to you. They're also a good place to find local addiction resources. I wouldn't totally dismiss the meetings - you don't have to commit to the program or even work the steps. Sometimes I still go just to be around other addicts - while my friends and family are supportive, they're not addicts so they can't necessarily relate to some of my irrational addict thoughts (yep, 2 years sober and still have strange thoughts :/)

Speaking of family, only you can gauge your parents and how telling them will impact your life. My parents lost all trust in me in addict addiction and once in recovery I decided to be honest with them and include them in that part of my life, even when I relapsed. I would take their concern and disappointment anytime over lack of trust. I started the honesty policy shortly after rehab in 2010. Late 2010, 2011 I relapsed and let them know. Got sober for a year in 2011 and relapsed in 2012. Went back to rehab in 2014. It was nice to be able to be honest and not have to hide my struggles, or explain why I was going back to rehab. It's nice to not have people doubt your word.

It never feels good to disappoint people
You care about, but a big part of recovering from addiction is becoming a functioning adult and being accountable and accepting consequences head on. I think you are doing the right thing by including your parents on your plan to recovery. They may mean not agree with subs at first, but let them know what you're doing is far more dangerous, and not working for you. Include them on your action plan - getting subs, therapy, and whatever else you plan to do to work towards health. You'll have good days and bad days, if you include them they can better understand addiction and better support you.

You sound like you have a solid head on your shoulders and are responsible. I think
You have a great chance of recovering and a valid plan. You are taking the right steps, and I think your parents will see that as well. You had some set backs but you dealt with them as a responsible adult - the alternative would have been to give up and go back to drugs and just not care, but you're paying your bills, owning your addiction, taking steps to get healthy, and working towards your future. You have a lot of strength and a lot to be proud of - your parents see that as well. Keep up the good work and let us know how your talk with your parents go. Good luck!
 
Wow, I had no idea so many more of you replied. Thanks so much for the kind words everyone. The conversation with my family last night... Well it couldn't have gone much better I don't think.

I told them everything and they weren't mad, they weren't phased at all. They hugged me and the first thing my dad said was that he was proud that I brought this to them. The old me would have kept right on doing what I was doing, until something extreme happened. Basically they saw the good in what I was doing instead of the bad that I had been doing. I couldn't have imagined it going much better.

Today I woke up to a new day. The appointment at the new doc went great, sitting here waiting at the pharmacy now. Life turns around starting today, and I couldn't be more excited for it.

Thanks again everyone for the kind words of wisdom. I am lucky to be alive and to have put a stop to the lope use. I'm sure I have some not so glorious days ahead, but I'm just gonna work through everything one day at a time. Right now my focus is stabilizing back on Bupe and getting this poison worked out of my body. I know Bupe will keep me from getting sick, but that nasty lope is still gonna be working its way out for the next while. My plan is to drink lots of water, eat regularly and healthy, and exercise as much as possible.

Man am I looking forward to the future. Hope everyone is well! And thanks again to all of you.
 
Great News! Once you stabilize on the bupe take your time to work on recovery - there's no rush to get off. You are taking the responsible route, and your family sees that as well. Eating clean and exercise is very important - but so is sleep - make sure you get on a regular schedule. Those three things are invaluable for getting healthy. Good luck!
 
Good man, that's good news. Takes some guts to admit these things to your nearest and dearest. Hopefully you can get straightened out on a relatively low dose of bupe.
 
Yup, I always like to hear when things go well! Glad there is still some sanity left in this world :)
 
Feels good to have that monkey off your back doesn't it? Things will all fall into place now. Just don't rush off the subs. That was what caused my relapse and I am on mmt now and will not make the same mistake and rush off. I don't ever want to wear that IV heroin albatross again. Before you know it you'll be stable.
 
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