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Just need to talk I guess...

L

Link00

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 8, 2015
Messages
18
So I've been dealing with heroin addiction for about 2 years now, give or take. And it's been such a draining and depressing period in my life. I've been doing my best to stay sober but after everything that has happened and all the bullshit and stupid shit I've done, I can't help but feel some days like I'm worthless and I don't deserve life. And no im not suicidal by any means. Its been complicated these past 4 months, I ended up moving away from my hometown to a new city. My parents ended up staging an intervention and put me in a rehab down in mexico. It was an awful experience but I grew so much in there. But now I'm in this new town without the most important people in my life. The ones who motivate me, give me strength and give me a reason to be sober. My spouse and my daughter. I've been here with my dad for about a month now and I relapsed after being clean for 3 months. Now I'm trying to get clean again. And I know I can do it but I just need my best friend...my partner and my little munchkin. I used for a little less than a month and then I said I couldn't keep my addiction up again and I decided to quit. So I kept looking for subs until I found some. I took a sub last week Sunday and was good until thursday, thats about 5 days without using heroin. Which I feel is awesome, given the fact that I only used one sub. But then the cravings and the thought of having the needle register, seeing how the blood pulled up and mixed into the syringe with the heroin kept jabbing at me. And I used again. I got another sub and I took it today in the morning. I really want to stay clean and be the man I need to be for my beautiful ladies but it's just so hard for me without their support and love at my disposal, without their actual physical presence. Fuck my life, I just wish I would have never felt the fake bliss and warmth of heroin's embrace, of opiates for that matter. It's difficult to talk to somebody who hasn't been an addict, im very blunt and I know people who haven't been addicted won't understand the struggle and difficulties that come along with dealing with this mental disease/disorder. And I know I've got support from my girl, she's amazing but I just don't want to keep bringing my addiction to her and keep hurting her. She's not going to understand like a fellow addict will, no matter how much she tries. Aside from the fact that she thinks I've been clean ever since I left the rehab. I hate my fucking life.
 
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While I agree with you that people that have never been addicted will not understand the particular struggles of addiction, all human beings understand the struggle for self-worth and inner strength of purpose. That is the human condition and people that have never been addicted to a drug may be compulsive consumers or unconscious liars who feel they must put up an image to hide behind or have any other self-defeating behaviors that they must confront--just as damaging as drug addiction but without the cultural stigma. Drugs, the addiction to drugs, lies on the surface of a deep well of pain. Figuring out how to address that pain in a way that will actually heal you is life's big challenge. It sounds like you have made the important decision that you want to be free of opiates. Take it to the next level and shift the focus to wanting to be free of the soul-pain that feeds the need for relief. Often we have developed sophisticated traps in our own perception of ourselves and our view of the world that are the underpinnings of all those misguided cravings. I cannot count the number of times I have seen the phrase "warm embrace" to describe the feeling of opiates or alcohol or simply being high. A warm embrace is what you crave. Life itself has a warm embrace but most of us are driven by our own thoughts to be completely blind to that offering.

I can only imagine how being away from your family, especially your child, is testing your strength. Maybe seeing this time as training--training yourself to be the best partner and parent that you can be--would help you to see this time spent away from them as very necessary. Keep working towards your goal of understanding yourself and healing whatever needs to be healed. Don't buy into shame and do observe the cycle of thinking-to-using that shame feeds. Changing fatalistic thinking is difficult and it never happens in one try--it's a process that simply builds the ability to continue the process with time. Relapses are fertile ground for huge changes if you can shift your perception to seeing them as such.
 
I currently have WD from ACRYL-FENTA so I'm not able to reed all the text (Also have problems reading text's thath dont have some spacing :/ Dyslexia maybe..)

But I just want to give you my support!!
I have just become addicted to Fentanyl's (Currently ACRYL-F)

I have taken LARGE amount's of Benzo for 10+years and is now down to just 2*2mg Clonacepam and it has bin a hell but doing this it gave me the insightes that is possible!!

Now due to life situations i have got hooked to Fenta's and I know how bad that combo is but the WD was to overwhelming today :(
Just taken some ACRYL-F and 9h erlier this morning a took my daily 2mg Clonazepam and 0.5 Flunitrazepam.. I hope i will be fine and maybe can you answer this: Is it better to stay awake on this combo with Coffee and Red Bull??

I will try reading more when i have gotten my WD in check.. i can write now so..

Namnaste
 
herbavore thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. And although I agree with you 100%, I cannot keep visualizing this time away from them as a Training Method to strengthen my will against drugs, or the abstinence thereof. Ever since I entered that rehab I have literally only spent about one full week with them. Take into consideration that this has been in the past 4 months and has been a couple hours here, one day there and so forth. I found the loving embrace of life meanwhile I was in that rehab down in Mexico. I was grateful for every second of life I was granted, and it all seemed so positive and full of energy. Even though I was in the worst living conditions I have ever expetienced. I was able to see my spouse and my daughter every weekend for two to three hours a day. I was basically locked away and yet everything seemed so beautiful. Maybe because I had that physical interaction with them every weekend. But right now although I am grateful for life everything just seems so bleak. I think I just need to have them with me so that I can continue to feel that motivation that I had while I was in rehab. I seriously hate the life that encompasses drug addiction. And I will not continue to walk down this path. I feel better talking about this, and having somebody who understands makes it "easier". So thanks again.
 
VaPPiano in all honesty I cannot give you advice on wether you should take coffee or red bull to stay awake because I have never been under the influence of both an opiate and a benzo. Much less in an active withdrawl state from both. I have always been afraid of benzos as I have heard that the wds that come with them are very very bad. I applaud you for actually having the strength and willpower to wean down from your benzo dependance. Keep it up, and about your dependance on fentanyl...I cant comment either because I've never been addicted to it. I've only done semi synthetic opiates and according to my knowledge of opiates, fentanyl is full synthetic and waaaay stronger than heroin albeit shorter acting. I have never experienced fentanyl so I can't tell you what to do. I take suboxone for my heroin wds, but Idk if that would help you since I have heard that fentanyl has a very strong affinity for opiate receptors, I think even more so than suboxone. Your best bet is to speak to your doctor, that is if they're legally prescribed, and ask him what the best way to get off them is.
 
I think i just have to take the 1-2weeks WD and just bite on something hard.. It goes away faster then mosed Opies in my small experience anyhow.

The Benzo is a hole different story!!! It has taken me 3-4 YEARS to get down frome 4*2mg Clonazepam just and before that i hade a hell getting off flunitrazepam and Xanax was horrible!! But i just tock higher dosage of Clonazepam for 6 wakes but not the same every day more like 2 dayes a weak i whould take 18-20mg Clonacepam and 2days 12mg and 2 days 8-10mg.. then it took about the ordinary amount for 8-12weaks and just some extra when i fellt for it!!

Now i whitening for a place on a rehab clinic to get ride of the last.. its the 4mg / day thath has proven to be the hardest fore me..

Keep up your fight and i can only tell you that it's possible for everyone to get ride of Heroine and other Opies as well but i know it's a BIA*C*!!!
 
Herbavore and you know what? You are completely right about me "taking it to the next level". Inside that rehab I learned to stop allowing my mistakes and bad choices hinder my spiritual wellbeing and growth. I learned to truly forgive myself for whatever I had done, because I knew the longer I dwelled on the past and I beat myself up about it I would have a motive or need to use again. Thanks for reminding me that the past is done with and cannot be changed, yes I fucked up by relapsing but THAT is part of the recovery process. I need to give myself a damn break and realize that i am human after all, that im not perfect and that I make mistakes too. That doesn't justify my erring but it motivates me to keep fighting this addiction so long as I have life, so long as I can keep experiencing this thing called life.
 
DO NOT take Suboxone while under the influence of any opioid, especially fentanyl or its analogues. It would seem buprenoprhine would displace fentanyl, indicating precipitated withdrawal. Benzodiapine use with opioid is very dangerous. You already know this, it is just worth repeating.

Coffee is probably better than Red Bull, simply because it has less shit in it that might mess with you.
 
VaPPiano see the only way I was able to take withdrawls and bare knuckle through them was being locked away in that rehab. I had somebody literally holding me back from running away to score again. I always thought that I wasn't strong enough to go through wds but obviously I was since I was able to get through those first two weeks of hell in there. Hopefully rehab opens up for you soon so you can finally get rid of that day to day dependance. The good thing is that you see that you have a problem that needs help, and you're actively seeking help to get rid of that problem. Keep trying, eventually yull reach long term sobriety. Just never give up!!!! :)
 
Toothpastedog I wasn't advocating suboxone use for his/her fentanyl dependance by any means. I was simply stating how I've been able to deal with my heroin wds. I said that I didn't know if suboxone would be a good option, or an option at all for that matter.
 
toothpastedog said:
DO NOT take Suboxone while under the influence of any opioid, especially fentanyl or its analogues. It would seem buprenoprhine would displace fentanyl, indicating precipitated withdrawal. Benzodiapine use with opioid is very dangerous. You already know this, it is just worth repeating.

Coffee is probably better than Red Bull, simply because it has less shit in it that might mess with you.
Click to expand...

Coffee and I'm still awake but today it's stop taking AKRYL-F and just popping benzo tomorrow with lyrica and if it gets to hard maybe just take alot of Traherne.. DON'T TAKE Fetanyles! Thay are really bad!! And tanx toothpastedog!!
 
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