Just need to get something out

I don't really feel like I can give the whole backstory as to what is going on right now.. but I feel I need to write something...

It's amazing how well I messed shit up in this ONE area and it makes everything seem so worthless.

My brother is doing SO well, I feel even more like a failure.

It seems like I just keep fucking it up worse and worse.

What is the point really? Are we ever going to get what we need to be happy? It's all an endless pursuit of trying to make it well...or in some cases up just make it.

I feel like I'll never make it. That my life is a pointless pursuit. I'm never really going to be happy. So I numb it out with whatever drug I can get for as long as I can. Doubt that helps me any either.

I know I could grab all my benzos and what alcohol is in the house and hope it ends it. But I've been there before. It never does. You always wake up worse than you were before since you are in a hospital and likely on your way to a psych ward.

Nothing fucks shit up worse. Nothing is on hold while they try to unfuck you. Yeah great, my life was fucked up before and now you are keeping me here so it's more fucked up when I have to go back to it. Likely wouldn't have a job.

I've been there. I said never pills again. Although slipping into nothingness sounds so...good.

But I haven't said anything to anyone about all this. Doubt I will. Just hope is passes as it usually does. But that doesn't mean that I don't have to deal with the fact that I fucked up a while major area of my life and it will take maybe even a year to correct.

 

I've been there... and in some ways I still feel the same. My younger sister is outgoing and successful, while I'm the fuck-up child - the black sheep of the family. I'm still trying to figure out the whole point to life. I guess the only thing that keeps me going are my loved ones, and the possibility (however small!) that my life might improve sometime in the future. Hang in there.

 

hey, you can pull through this (you have before). just to give ya heads up (sometimes we don't perceive ourselves accurately), you're a fucking STRONG woman. All that you've been through and you've ALWAYS gotten through it. Yeah sure, you've bumped your head a couple times but the fact remains, you made it through.

This will pass just like everything else has. You got this thing covered (whatever it might be) cause I'm sure it pales in comparison to previous struggles you've been through

psssst... just a PM (or phone call) away