just me

loving yourself is so difficult
ive struggled immensely with this obstacle for the past several years trying to get a grasp on who i am to love. it's sad when you cant pin point a certain aspect of who you are to know if it's something you love or not. which, of course, could only mean im not being true to myself. but how can one define who one is while experiencing new things? one self is ever changing and ever present to new happenings. ever evolving into something new. what one felt yesterday isnt how one could feel today.
am i just a sequence of collected experiences reacting to new occurrences?
do i have any solid form of opinion that isnt effected by outside forces?

these past years have exacted a vengeance on my soul. a total and complete war on who i thought i was and what i stood for. everything feels shaky. a myth waiting to be disproved while i stand with naked hands in the abyss of my ignorance. being alone shares a new emptiness that belittles what i held so firmly to be solid.

i dont trust myself. i dont trust these people ive allowed into my world. i dont trust this feeling i have right now. im afraid and alone and i dont think there's any other way im suppose to feel right now. this is a learning experience. a rite of passage thats been a long time coming. or i could be flailing into a dark cavern of nonexistence. either way im here and i want to love myself. to not feel uncomfortable in my own skin. to not allow my own thoughts to cater to the will of negative opinions. i want to be me. just me.

 

I can defiantly relate to 'loving yourself is so difficult' because being the outcast of my family, and them not wanting anything to do with me had me feel like i was such a horrible person! My family, and loved ones did not know how to help me, and by listening to this bull shit called 'tough love', i had so many of my instincts effected by them not talking to me. I thought hanging around other people would make me feel better about myself, and really it was the drugs and alcohol that would make me feel better. I wouldn't consider myself a 'bad person trying to be good', i'm more like a 'sick person trying to get better', and for the longest time i had that shit backwards.

I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin, the cool thing that I have today other then before I got sober is I have a support group to call on when I start feeling bad, they are mostly people whom i've met in the rooms of AA, and some are nice sweet church ladies who will take time from their day to come find me just to pray with me.
That saying 'we are going to love you back to life' is so true, so what I had to do was seek out those people that would 'love me back to life',because i had no idea how the hell to love myself.

My own thoughts are like nightmares, I think of a lot of sick shit, like if i die, whos going to come to my funeral, and i'm sure my mother/family would prefer me to die, instead of my older brother. shit like that, which is really fucked up, and top top the shit off, i was invited to my brothers memorial the end of the month, and have to work through some old resentments towards my family. A cousin of mine will be their and he sexually molested me when I was younger, so going to have to work through that feeling,without using drugs or drinking to feel better. So theres a lot of pain I am going through today, and like I said earlier I have a support group I can share this shit with, and them provide me with examples, and suggestions.

 

I'm afraid and alone and I don't think there is any other way I am supposed to feel right now.

That is a pretty profound statement. I think part of getting to know and accept and finally love yourself is part and parcel of this exact feeling. You embrace your own uncomfortable uncertainty--it allows so much more life in.

Trust is a hard thing to grasp. The hardest. But these periods of being alone, and feeling the depths of that alone-ness, maybe even loneliness, maybe not, can nurture a deep trust in yourself. You learn that you can go through this and still love life. If you concentrate on loving life, it seems to eventually translate into loving oneself IME.