Hi
My bio gives a description of my personal stance but here goes. I grew up with Alcoholic parents, dad got sober when I was 12, mom lost custody of me and my sisters when I was 7 and I didnt see her again until I was 26 and than not again until I was 49. I spent from 14-16, 17-26 using cocaine, alcohol and meth. I never used the needle but did enough damage without it. I went to NA for several years and grew up in a AA home so subscribed to philosophies. I think there are many valuable tools the program offers but am not convinced the method is the only way. I think someone who wants to make life changes bad enough can use many things, however, I think the only path to personal change is the willingness to self-reflect-in a serious way. Honesty is the great healing power. I started smoking pot a couple years ago after 23 years of abstinence for sleep and some light recreation. It has not triggered me into relapse. I also started drinking wine (very cautiously) and also have found I have not triggered into addictive relapse. I dont enjoy being drunk anymore and after so long without it it makes me throw up if I do drink too much. One-two glasses seems to be more than enough at this point although I am watching my behavior. I wonder if all those years of self-work did some kind of reset. I do know the idea of being a dope head or alcoholic has ZERO appeal anymore. Kindof gross to me. Its not who I want to be and its not who I have been for these last 23 years, so its not where I want to go right now. I am aware of the dangers and I realize I could be playing with fire, but am cautiously monitoring myself at this point.
I fell in love with a man half my age three years ago and while I know the relationship could end at anytime we have had a deep connection that has made it worth it. Only problem is he is a heroin addict who has been clean on and off for the last 3 years. He seems to get about 10 months, things go well and off he goes. I have watched him relapse three times and it is a dreadful, horrible experience. I refused to date addicts for all those years but never met someone that I truly fell in love with. I dont know if it is "ironic" he is. He relapsed about 8 weeks ago and while has stopped the heroin (I can totally tell) I suspect he is using coke instead. I am not sure how much longer I can continue if he continues. He also is a high functioning autistic/Asperberger and his anxiety can send him over. Right now I am in wait and see mode and there are days I am ready to break it off. The only reason I dont is because for three years it has been far more good than bad and I know how different he is when not using. I just cant stand him when he is. I have enough "education" to know what I am supposed to do, but right now am just in limbo. I love him deeply, but the erratic, awful behavior is too hard to be with. So, here I am, checking out this forum and trying to figure it all out.
My bio gives a description of my personal stance but here goes. I grew up with Alcoholic parents, dad got sober when I was 12, mom lost custody of me and my sisters when I was 7 and I didnt see her again until I was 26 and than not again until I was 49. I spent from 14-16, 17-26 using cocaine, alcohol and meth. I never used the needle but did enough damage without it. I went to NA for several years and grew up in a AA home so subscribed to philosophies. I think there are many valuable tools the program offers but am not convinced the method is the only way. I think someone who wants to make life changes bad enough can use many things, however, I think the only path to personal change is the willingness to self-reflect-in a serious way. Honesty is the great healing power. I started smoking pot a couple years ago after 23 years of abstinence for sleep and some light recreation. It has not triggered me into relapse. I also started drinking wine (very cautiously) and also have found I have not triggered into addictive relapse. I dont enjoy being drunk anymore and after so long without it it makes me throw up if I do drink too much. One-two glasses seems to be more than enough at this point although I am watching my behavior. I wonder if all those years of self-work did some kind of reset. I do know the idea of being a dope head or alcoholic has ZERO appeal anymore. Kindof gross to me. Its not who I want to be and its not who I have been for these last 23 years, so its not where I want to go right now. I am aware of the dangers and I realize I could be playing with fire, but am cautiously monitoring myself at this point.
I fell in love with a man half my age three years ago and while I know the relationship could end at anytime we have had a deep connection that has made it worth it. Only problem is he is a heroin addict who has been clean on and off for the last 3 years. He seems to get about 10 months, things go well and off he goes. I have watched him relapse three times and it is a dreadful, horrible experience. I refused to date addicts for all those years but never met someone that I truly fell in love with. I dont know if it is "ironic" he is. He relapsed about 8 weeks ago and while has stopped the heroin (I can totally tell) I suspect he is using coke instead. I am not sure how much longer I can continue if he continues. He also is a high functioning autistic/Asperberger and his anxiety can send him over. Right now I am in wait and see mode and there are days I am ready to break it off. The only reason I dont is because for three years it has been far more good than bad and I know how different he is when not using. I just cant stand him when he is. I have enough "education" to know what I am supposed to do, but right now am just in limbo. I love him deeply, but the erratic, awful behavior is too hard to be with. So, here I am, checking out this forum and trying to figure it all out.
