A follow-up. With more sensible dosing and pacing I've used meth a dozen times or so since without a problem but at the beginning of the week had nasty symptoms after taking no more than usual, albeit having been awake for several days on mephedrone prior to taking out the pipe again. The physical problems were seriously uncomfortable but well short of what I described a while back further up the thread. Just to be on the safe side I phoned the free medical advice line available in the country I'm in and mentioned a pulse of 150bpm and chest tightness, stressing that I didn't feel exceptionally horrendous or anything, wanting just to know whether I needed to get the train to emergency for a routine benzodiazepine just to bring down the pulse and make myself feel less strung-out and whether or not they'd hand that out. Instead, despite my trying to get across that symptoms weren't really that acute, they dispatched an ambulance with the highest priority rating, and mindful of experience that originally prompted this thread, I cooperated, gave the address, and got in when it (this time very quickly) arrived. The ecg revealed minor abnormalities, nothing (yet) particularly serious, but in the doctor's view an indication that my heart had or has now developed some sort of susceptibility to meth and that there is now an element of unpredictability to the extent to which my heart might be able to tolerate meth in the future.
I'm not competent to assess the competence of this claim but it was knocking around my head in the days since until last night when I mentioned it to a very substance-experienced friend, who is no drama queen whatsoever and the last person to go around digging up scare stories to stop people getting high however they want. But he did say that recently a friend of his lost his boyfriend unexpectedly to meth. The guy had been smoking sort of as I had been, a session once, maybe twice a week, with no heroic dosing attempting, and he'd never had any problems or any other known health issues worth mentioning. His boyfriend came home to find him dead on the sofa with the pipe fallen from his hands and it turned out he'd had a fatal heart attack, apparently so sudden that he didn't even have enough warning to reach for a phone for help. He was twenty-six. He hadn't been using meth for particularly long apparently, I was told about a year though they're not sure exactly as he tried to hide using at the start.
Despite physical distress it's given me that I won't forget however long I manage to live crystal meth is far and away the substance I love most and it's given me incredibly profound experiences. The idea of walking away from it for good is not just daunting but almost, if this isn't completely ridiculous to say, getting close to devastating. And I know that statistically deaths from non-daily use by more or less experienced users are rare, but I'm going to try to never use this again. Before I found meth I could get what I wanted from mephedrone and ghb, although that has to be balanced by the fact that I didn't then know what I was missing from those beautifully pristine shards. Still, facts are facts. My heart is starting to complain, I came close to cardiac arrest once already, and there's been a death in my extended social circle from use at a non-spectacular level. If I manage to stay clean, I'll miss meth for the rest of my life, but I'm not sure how pleasure there could now be to putting the lighter under the pipe for the first hit if my thoughts can't any longer be just the high that's on hand but the possibility of a heart attack at any moment so catastrophic that the lights go out for good before there's time to register what's happening. If anyone thinks this is all over-cautious etc., fine, but for me, this particular adventure has ended. Thanks for the memories tina.