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Just found out a friend from rehab died - trying to come to terms.

dognasher

dognasher

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 27, 2013
Messages
214
Location
Denver, Colorado
I just found out today that a friend I was in rehab with back in October died... I don't have the details yet but I am 99% sure it was an OD. I shouldn't say that until I know, but in my heart I know. I found out because I had been trying to get in touch with him about a job I promised him and was wondering why I hadn't heard from him. I should have known.... but I guess I was just in denial that we die from this shit all the time.

My addiction was very hidden and I don't know many (hell, ANY) people who use dope. So this is the first person I've ever been close with that was also a heroin addict. I've OD'd twice on heroin. Twice on coke. Something tells me my lives are almost used up.

I am clean now, but what scares me is that even after knowing this, if somebody came up to me and offered me a bag now, I would slam it. When do we learn? When is it enough? This guy was so fucking smart. Are we ever free? Will I EVER be free of this? Am I gonna think about dope every day of my life until I finally die? And if so shouldn't I just keep using and get it over with?

Maybe this would be better as a blog entry but I would like to hear about others who have lost people to ODs and how it affected their using. What was the last straw for you to get clean? I don't know how much clearer the writing on the wall can be. The only solace I feel is that a heroin overdose is maybe one of the more pleasant ways to go out? I dunno. I don't remember ANYTHING from either of mine except waking up pissed that people were trying to harsh my buzz. Yeah. That says it all.

I'm just really bummed, man. I was so hoping this guy could get clean. Or at least stay alive. :( He really had a shitload to offer the world.
 
Hey dognasher. That's sad news :(. I offer my condolences. I hope that you keep calm and focused during your grief. Don't let it trick you into doing something you will regret.

dognasher said:
I am clean now, but what scares me is that even after knowing this, if somebody came up to me and offered me a bag now, I would slam it. When do we learn? When is it enough? This guy was so fucking smart. Are we ever free? Will I EVER be free of this? Am I gonna think about dope every day of my life until I finally die? And if so shouldn't I just keep using and get it over with?
Click to expand...

This sounds like a tired cliche, but every time you say no or resist using, or even just delay it, you gain an increased ability to do it next time. A lot of the difficulties aren't related so much to lack of will or lack of smarts; its the habit, the pattern of behaviour, cause-and-effect. Obviously, you can strengthen your addiction when you give in to it, but the opposite is also completely true; when you deny it, it begins to weaken.

Will you be free? I don't know. I quit heroin/morphine/codeine/suboxone over 3 years ago, after a several year addiction. I was on benzo's too, and out of control. Psychosis from breakthrough benzo w/d, seizures, panic, delusions: I needed opiates several times a day to maintain some sort of sanity- the perfect insanity TBH. I gave myself an abcess because I didn't know wtf I was doing and was reckless and hated myself. During all this, I was on an eternal benzo taper that manifested some really strange problems for me; once I was off them, I was able to tackle opiates addiction. Tried a few detox/rehabs, but I would freak out. Finally, my earth-loving late uncle (RIP JP) found me an unconventional, holistic, spiritual rehab centre where I gained some time and space in between me and my needs.

I am clean from opiates and benzo's. I haven't been addicted to drugs (besides tobacco and caffeine) for over 3 years. I've used on a number of occasions but have totally stopped that now. In answer to your questions; and the reason I relayed my tale; is to say that- yes, you can indeed be free of these issues. You will think about dope a lot, maybe for years; I do; but its more abstract now- there's less of an emotional pull to the craving. I fucked up a month or so ago, I binged on etizolam, GHB and diazepam and ended up in a mild GABAergic withdrawal. I used opiates during this and deeply regreted it; they made me sick and unhappy. You can get to the point where these drugs are no longer appealing, no longer offer you anything and only take. You just have to persist and you will, in time, be more free and able to breathe and make reasonable decisions.

Again, my condolences to you. I hope you are okay; be brave and make a stand. <3
 
Someone I was in rehab with died of an od soon after we both left, it's just one of those that will happen if you hang around with drug addicts. He was only 21, very sad. I hope that doesn't sound cold or like it's trying to lessen the gravity of what has happened, just that you will find a way to integrate it in to your life. I was clean when it happened and was for a while after but then used heavily later down the line. I guess the answer is that it didn't make a blind bit of difference to my using and I would guess that will be a common theme among other people who answer.

Re: the nature of being clean...well, I'm clean atm (not 100% abstinent but lets not turn this in to a discussion over the nature of 'clean') and actually I'm finding it pretty easy most of the time. I've not been opiate/benzo free for that long really (a few months) but on my average day (the vast majority) I consume no intoxicants whatsoever, I have no desire to consume intoxicants, I don't fantasise over and crave them in a fetishistic manner, I work hard, I enjoy myself, I'm relatively happy, I engage in positive inter-personal relationships. In other words, I am to all intents and purposes a 'normal' person. I don't follow any program, I don't have any set rules governing my recovery other than no opiates or benzos, I don't really think about it too much at all tbh. I'm just getting on with my life. I have made a lot of changes that I would say form part of a large change in life structure, but I don't attend meetings, I don't talk about things too much other than here and I don't intend on living under any regime other than to not take opites or benzos and to have some self-respect. I've done totally the opposite in the past and spent loads of time going to meetings and trying to live to a program and I was fuckking miserable even six months after getting clean. When I relapsed I had actually changed so little in my life that I jjust went full blown again straight away.

I'm intending on seeking therapy of some sort in the near future because I think the reality is I probably have some issues I need to work through given the damaging nature of my using and what led me there, but I'm feeling pretty stable and secure at the moment. I don't really know where I'm going with all this, I guess what I'm getting at is that things definitely can get a lot lot easier than what you are experiencing, and it won't neccesarily happen when you want it to or due the actions you might think should do it at the moment. If something isn't working, then change it.

Enough rambling now from me:D
 
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I know of 3 people that I went to rehab with who have died from overdoses. All in there early 20s, most soon after leaving treatment. The period immediately following an inpatient stay is probably the most dangerous of any addicts using career. Your physical tolerance has been significantly reduced or eliminated while your mental craving is at an all time high. Too often it results in tragedy. It really sucks.

If you relapse please remember your friend and be extremely cautious. I really hope you don't relapse but I just had to say that. If you want my recovery advice it too get into therapy. Find a therapist you get along with and be 100 percent honest with them. Try to find the reason you got addicted. I haven't read enough of your posts to know your story or what makes you tick but that's what you need to find out if you want long term well being IMO.
 
Thank you for the replies! I have been in weekly therapy since I cleaned up two months ago. I have no intention of picking up again, but you know how it goes...sometimes the monkey gets the better of us. I am aware of that and very very careful.

I hope I don't know anybody else personally that overdoses. It's a cruel twist that most of us die after we've been trying to get clean.
 
Dognasher, I am sorry for your loss of a friend and for the loss of someone who so clearly had much to offer the world. While my son's OD had no possibility of igniting a pre-existing addiction in me, I can well imagine that if I'd had one, I may have returned to it. There is such a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness when death slams that door. My son died also during an attempt to get his life back on track. That is a cruelty I have a hard time with. There is a part of me that will always ask if it was not his own fatalistic thinking ("i will never be completely free of this so why even try?") that led to his death.

Stick with the therapy. Question in that safe space all of your thinking--that which made you vulnerable to addiction/abuse and that which arose from an addicted mind. You can heal. I know this because I see it around me in people that I know well. The struggle makes you stronger, more empathetic, more of what we need in this world, not less--remember that and hold your head up high as you go through it. You are doing what many people without addictions should do, but never do. You are taking your life in your own hands, examining it, questioning it, and ultimately creating it. Do it in honor of all those that died trying. I find that it helps me to mentally thank my son for his struggle and what it taught me every day that I struggle with my own thoughts and circumstances. His life and death continue top shape my life as your friend's will influence yours. Honor that with your determination.<3
 
I feel bad for all of these people over dosing and dying after a period of sobriety. It's quite simple, your tolerance has dropped a bunch. If you want to relapse and still live on this earth... start low. You can always add more, wish some of these guys would get this simple concept. I know most of them don't relapse to die, just to use again...
 
herbavore - wise words. I am so sorry you lost your son. I have a daughter and if anything like this happens to her, I don't know what I would do. Try to move on and find a way to keep living, I guess. I think the silver lining to this addiction is that I pay a LOT more attention to my thoughts than I used to. I have gotten way better at identifying feelings and thoughts and figuring out which to act on. I think what got me so much about my friend from rehab was how he had really given up....he was only 26 but he had been an addict since he was 17 and you could tell he was really, really tired. It had gotten bad and he was homeless and alienated from his family and really had no support system. That's why I offered him an easy job at my work - so he could feel part of something again. I figured he picked up after I didn't hear from him but I guess I just didn't think he would actually die. It hurts me to think of him dying alone, without any family here, and feeling like he failed. I wish I could tell him he was worth something.

In retrospect? I have a far better, and more heartbreaking understanding of what I have put my fiance and my parents through with my ODs. The last one my fiance told me he was saying his goodbyes when I was unconscious. I can't imagine the confusion and pain I would have put him through if something bad had happened. So I will try to use this sad news as a blessing to be mindful of the consequences of my actions. I think that's about the only good that can come out of this.
 
I wish you strength and perseverance and all the good luck in the world. You are really setting a fantastic example for your daughter that any prison we build for ourselves we can also tear down. Sometimes the building seems to happen in a day but the tear down takes time.<3
 
I think the sad truth is the longer you hang around the opiate game the more people who you know will die. Just something I have noticed. Doesn't make it any less tragic though.
 
I had a friend from rehab that died. I remember being in group with him, feeling alone and sick and insecure as hell, and he was looking at me, and he asked me what my drug of choice was (heroin. Me too ) how much I was using (.8 - 1g/day) he nodded and said he was shooting up to an eighth a day, and that if he could do it so could I. And his arm was in a sling from having broken his collarbone in a car crash just prior to coming. No narcotic painkillers. It didn't seem like he was trying to brag just to relate and comfort me. And it worked, I felt just a little less alone.
He ended up leaving before the 30 days was up, AMA, and his mom picked him up. That was shocking to a lot of us, that she was "rewarding" his decision. His parents were planning to reward him for completing a 30-day treatment program by sending him on a trip to England. They were wealthy to say the least. He was so young and charismatic and adorable to boot - if he didn't have this demon riding on his shoulder, he could have done anything. To me, overdosing is basically the same as suicide, minus the concentrated intent and forethought, because you know it's a possibility every time, but you didn't know that it was going to happen *this* time. "A permanent solution to a temporary problem." That's what I repeat to myself whenever I have a suicidal pondering. The only thing certain about life is that, if you stick around, it will change.
 
Um btw just wanted to let you know I saw your pm but expected not to be able to reply since I'm a green lighter or whatever - so I clicked the reply button to see what message would happen and apparently it did send, just quoted your msg back to you, and now it says I can only post one message every 3 hours. So oops. Sorry. :P
 
Hi! Yeah, I saw that. I think I did the same thing when I had just signed up! Ha! PM me when you get a chance again.

Yeah, this guy was from a SUPER wealthy family too. His dad was like some billionaire in Florida and this kid had gone to the New York Music Conservatory, the Atlanta College of Music, he was a super good guitar player, blues genius, and quite a good Scrabble player! When I met him he had been spinning a sign on the streets of Boulder and living in his car. This shit takes you down so fast, man. It really can happen to anybody. I used to think I would never get addicted because I had a college degree and was "successful", whatever that means. I come from a good family, no major trauma. Nobody in my family has a history of addiction. How stupid was I? I am super humbled now and if anything good comes out of this, it's that I value the fragility of life so much more. Nobody is invincible. And I keep thinking about all the cool shit this guy missed. I was gonna offer him a menial job at my jewelry store - loading and unloading packages, etc. He could have showed up for that and at least we would have had some laughs. So much has happened in the last year - good and bad. He missed it all because he was lying dead of an overdoes in some Denver squat. It's so fucking sad, man. So sad.
 
I know both of you are suffering and I am so sorry for that but I am glad that you both are alive. More than alive. You are as you say Dognasher, "humbled" and aware of life's incredible fragility and those are two gifts that I value very much. I would trade them away any day to have my son's life back but I cannot discount that being humbled as a parent and a person, brutally and thoroughly humbled, has allowed me to understand that all we really have while we are here is the connection we make with other human beings--and that knowledge is a gift. It gives me something to build my daily fire with.
 
I really love the term "build my daily fire". That's a great saying, and so true. Every day we take what we have learned and use it as kindling to try and make a better day. I have read every post in the thread that you have in memorial to your son, Herbavore. And while your suffering makes my heart ache, the way you have articulated your pain, and how you have used it to better yourself and gain insight, rather than be consumed by bitterness is an inspiration. You are truly a special soul that has helped so many. Your bravery has taught many a bluelighter the valuable lesson of how important it is to cherish life and that once it's gone, it's gone, and there is a wake of misery left behind.

Anyway, I digress. Every day since I have been on Suboxone has been a small triumph. I know I had treatment resistant depression before, and maybe the Subs are helping with that, but in just a few short weeks my life outlook has been completely turned around. My point is, that there is ALWAYS hope, and things can always change if we just believe they can. I am so glad I didn't relapse or OD or kill myself a couple weeks ago. I thought about all three. Now things are so much better. There is a lot of rebuilding to do, but for the first time in five years I see a future without drugs.

I know that Adam could have had that one day, I wish he would have held on a little longer. He'll never have that chance to see it turn around. Maybe it wasn't to be, but I can't believe that because then I guess I would just lose hope for everything. Every day is a second chance. It really is.
 
Im so sorry about your loss, I definatly relate to your feelings about using and just getting it over with ive been there- but the thought of dying that way and the legacy for me isn't what i want, Im 49 a mother of 3 and my son is just like me he is in rehab and for heroin. hes been in and out of jail since 18 his life was awesome before, and he started on pills. Im hoping to god that he gets recovery and says no to an offer of a bag, because I know kids are dying left and right from it- Its awful that just from wanting to feel good/high/escape or relax or whatever but trying heroin is the way only to escape forever- there is NO way to do it safely or relax, its not a beer or a joint or a pill- its a whole life and constant WANT NEED I saw him before he went to jail the last time in April the day after his 20th BDAy he was arrested, I could see it comin, maybe he thought what you are- that people bug him when hes flying,,,? I once asked him dont you believe that you could have a better way of life if you got clean? He just said that he would only want to do it if his GF went in with him- i even thought id go in just to be near him, and thats where im at again 49 addicted to pain meds trying to do them without OD and leaving the story behind that I could have been or that worse, My kids will look at that like I didnt love them enough to stop. It has nothing to do with them I have chronic pain, so another post, I just wanted to connect with you and say that hang in there! you are not alone, but you can do it.- I dont do heroin, but pills are opiates same deal, same game. Not a fun one.
 
Hey Dognasher, my condolences.

I lost a very great person that I met in rehab. Another person I lost a little later that I met in the halfway house to tainted crack who was a really cool guy. In my relatively short stay in the system I was able to see people come and go and others not make it rather frequently actually. It was very eye-opening for me. I have been playing with this game of addiction for close to 20 years now and am only in my early thirties. The first kid I met's DOC was inhalants. He died from having a seizure off of air duster. My other friend died from getting crack that was contaminated. The second told me that he was going to smoke some crack a few days prior. I tried to talk him out of it but didn't take it that seriously. They were both heart breaking incidents for me. I had made plans to play some music with the inhalants kid, and had a genuine connection with him that I don't usually have with most people. I guess really all you can draw from those kind of experiences is that you shouldn't take life for granted. Friends we have that use drugs can drop out an in instant. I wish I had better words to express how deeply you must be touched right now but I know it's hard. Best of luck man.
 
bedROZEZ and jammin83,

Thank you so much for your insightful words.

bed, I can't imagine what a struggle it must be for you to be fighting your own addiction while you watch your son succumb to the same. I have been really thinking a lot about my daughter lately, and if she will inherit my addict "gene" or whatever it is. She is only in kindergarten now, but I hope and pray that she never knows that this is like - I don't know how I could watch her be consumed by this disease without my heart breaking into a thousand pieces.

jammin, thank you as well. It must have been horrible for you to watch your friend pass away after trying to talk him out of smoking crack. I think it was CrimsonJunk who said the longer you play this game, the more death you will see. I am clean now, so I hope that this was my first and only experience with this. It just really opens your eyes to how devastating addiction can be not only to the addicted, but to everyone around them.

No matter how small we think we are, we all leave a big ripple in the pool when were gone. It's important to remember that and see that we are part of a bigger family, biological or not, and that we are all needed and loved by people even if we don't know it ourselves.
 
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