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Just detoxed and craving like hell

Not once or twice a week - once a week at most. Maybe once every two weeks. I was fine back when I was using once a week, it was when I did it twice and more that problems came up.

That's the whole thing - I don't want to need opiates to feel normal. If I'm clean six days a week (or more), it kind of forces me to deal with being sober and figure out how to live that way...and my once in a while use would be a release valve, so that I don't feel the need to say "fuck it, I'd rather be an addict again than live the rest of my life sober". I don't know that I can do the all or nothing thing. I don't want to be an addict, but the prospect of the rest of my life totally sober, right now anyway, seems pretty crappy.

I know you're doing your best to point out why I shouldn't use, and I do appreciate it. But I'm just honestly not really convinced I never want to use again. That's why I didn't put this thread in here in the first place, cos I thought this forum was for folks who KNOW that they never ever want to use, and aren't contemplating it like I am. I just want to get rid of my addiction and clean up my life, and use occasionally. Famous last words, I know, but...
 
^I'm not sure that using it once a week would trigger withdrawals for the rest of the week, but in this case where the OP is dependent on opiates, using once a week would pretty much reset the whole thing, and then using a week later wouldn't give you enough time to be completely non-dependent, so yeah...

OP, are you saying that you want to completely get over the physical addiction but then go back to occasional use? Yeah, that's tricky...

I'm on suboxone...it's not the same as heroin...but it definitely helps...
 
BlueSaffron said:
I know you're doing your best to point out why I shouldn't use
Click to expand...

Not at all. All I'm pointing out is the obvious facts that opioid addicts have the highest recidivism of any other drug users. Something like 94% of all opioid addicts relapse. At some stage in your life, if you fail to quit opioids completely, perhaps you should consider the idea of being on them daily? It's no different than benzodiazepine user with anxiety, or a stimulant user with ADHD. Opioids can be used medicinally for psychiatric purposes.

If you feel like you function 100% on opioids, then use a maintenance drug and live your life. Use any and all introspection that you have to decide whether you're really gonna quit, or you're gonna keep saying "one last time". If it's the latter, then come to terms with the fact that you need to be on them.
 
baooozs said:
Not at all. All I'm pointing out is the obvious facts that opioid addicts have the highest recidivism of any other drug users. Something like 94% of all opioid addicts relapse. At some stage in your life, if you fail to quit opioids completely, perhaps you should consider the idea of being on them daily? It's no different than benzodiazepine user with anxiety, or a stimulant user with ADHD. Opioids can be used medicinally for psychiatric purposes.

If you feel like you function 100% on opioids, then use a maintenance drug and live your life. Use any and all introspection that you have to decide whether you're really gonna quit, or you're gonna keep saying "one last time". If it's the latter, then come to terms with the fact that you need to be on them.
Click to expand...

I don't mean that in a bad way - I actually really appreciate it.

BlueHues - yeah, that's what I'm saying. I want to have my cake and eat it too, I guess.
 
Ugh, been obsessing about fixing for the last 24 hours, even though I haven't used a needle in years. Actually looked up videos of people shooting up on youtube..

And then... I shit you not. This am my bf is getting ready for work. He owns a shop, and his coworker opens and the bf goes in a bit later. So his coworker texts him saying "someone left a present on our garbage can" and sends a pic - of a syringe full of what looks like H sitting on top of the can. The point's been broken off, so I'm thinking it coagulated and it's owner abandoned it thinking it was useless.

Of course the bf shows me and laughs. I laugh back, and think inside "damn, that looks good".

I did take some Vicodin yesterday afternoon and got a buzz. Tried not to take anymore but by 2 am I couldn't sleep, and my legs and feet were hurting a lot, so I took one 5/500, and it barely did anything. Still took me two hours to fall asleep.

Have done nothing today. Trying to wait one more hour before I take 1 & 1/2 5/500. I only have a few left.

My dealer still hasn't called back, I'm pretty sure he's ignoring me. Have vowed to NEVER answer his calls in future. Yes, I'm mad.

Still haven't gone to open air to cop, tho it's a 15 min drive from my house.

I'm doing the best I can.

PS - I'd put all this in a blog, but I don't have enough posts to make one yet.
 
BlueSaffron, I just wanted to share a little of my history, and what I have been going through. I hope you don't mind. I am younger, and have never touched H; although there have been times in my life when I have sought it out, and narrowly avoided using. I have next to no self control, and had been addicted to alcohol for years prior to a car accident nearly two years ago which took a close friends life.

My father was never really present during my childhood, and was a member of the SF H and crack scene (his nickname was clockwork in SF) for well over a decade prior to his death a few years back. He didn't od, but died as a result of the lifestyle ( was beat w/ a pipe, had an aneurysm which went unchecked, and collapsed a little under a week later).

Following his death I really went out of control drinking constantly, huffing, tons of pills, psychedelics, lots of bud, and some stimulants. Following the car accident I was in, in which a close friend was lost, I quit my drinking, and managed to hold that off. But I made tons of excuses for "needing" something, and still romanticized the idea of using. So I got stuck on some weird synthetic smoking blends which definitely had something more addicting then even the stronger synthetic cannabanoids on them. I have been using them since unable to stop for even a day. On top of this I recently had started using large amounts of kratom. This spring another close friend rolled his truck drinking and using and passed away.

I have often felt something behind the veil of our reality, and can see so many ways in which I have been allowed to live for some reason. I don't want to go into this atm, but I should have been dead or imprisoned many times over. I'm not sure what my purpose in life is, but I decided today that I am ready to find it. I haven't used anything for about 24 hours and feel clammy, achey, have a headache, light and sound sensitivity, RLS, shallow breathing at times. It's hard to even say what I am detoxing, but I found your thread inspiring, and want to send you my best wishes and all the positive energy I can. I still have kratom setting around, but refuse to use it at least until I have fully detoxed, and possibly never again.

I know the return of emotion you speak of, I have felt it at times, and can enjoy it, but for some reason my subconscious tells my mind to retreat from feelings, and return to the fog.

I'm not sure what to expect as far as the reversal of any receptor down-regulation or repair, but I am also taking some nootropics which I feel have allowed me to regain a level of mental acuity which I had not felt for some time.

My head hurts too much to get into everything, and I'm not certain how much sense I have made; but if anybody has any questions about any part of this post I would be more than happy to clarify asap.

I'm not sure if this will be helpful to you in any way, but just felt an urge to post this here. Much love ~DR.FeelGoodINC
 
^Thanks for sharing.

Alcoholism is a devastating addiction and it's great to see you trying to get past it. Especially in addition to the kratom and JWH.

JWH has some nasty withdrawal symptoms. I've seen many friends first hand get hooked on it like it was heroin.
 
Dr.FeelGood - thanks, I appreciate that. I'm sorry about your friends, and your dad, too. I've lost friends as well, and lost a relative to violence, and it's hard. My father wasn't around either - alcoholism.

I wish you luck with your detox. For me, I seem to have turned a corner last night. I took some vicodin late yesterday afternoon, it wore off around 10 pm. I have a few left, but I was like - I have to do this at some point, I can't keep avoiding it. So last night I didn't take any. My legs and feet started burning again, but I just laid there out of pure stubbornness. I lay in bed til about three, and then amazingly, I fell asleep for a couple hours. Woke up at five, up for an hour, fell back asleep, and dreamed I was feeding figs to a chimpanzee. "Will he bite?" I asked the handler. "No, he's gentle". I fed him another fig and said "It's amazing knowing he could rip my arms off if he wanted to."

I woke up this morning and I actually feel better physically. Not much burning in my legs and feet, either. I finally feel a little bit of hope that I can get through this.

I'm not making any promises... promises feel like being locked in a cage to me. If I want to use, I'll use. But I think I'll try and get through the next few days and see if I can keep feeling better.
 
Bad day. Feeling better physically, but i was supposed to go do something this afternoon & it was canceled. Was really looking forward to it. Feel like doing a CWE on my last three Vics & getting fucked up. Oh, and got pulled over & got a ticket for failure to come to a complete stop.

Fml.
 
I'm sorry to hear about your plans, and about the ticket, but remember that it's far from the end of the world. Life keeps going even when we are at our most vulnerable.

Still feeling physically ughhh today, but managed to find some sort of mental/spiritual strength I thought would be impossible at this point. I also am in the midst of writing a research paper on substance use for a sociology course, and it has been giving me some major insight on my own life and experiences. Starting to come to a point where I do not regret my past.

lol today I found some cannabanoids which I had spilled on my box spring a while back while high, okay amount. Didn't think about it long, and knew what I had to do. I threw them onto the carpet where I wouldn't be able to get to them... important as I am having some major sleeping issues. Didn't want to be tempted to seek out "relief". The mind can really warp reality if we allow it to. Probably would have set me back to where I started if not led to a full blown relapse.

Hope you are doing well BlueSaffron. Been thinking about this thread for most of the day. Stay as positive as possible, and take some pride in your accomplishments, and know that how you feel is only temporary as long as you continue on the path you are on. <3
 
Thanks :) I'm proud of you for staying strong-I know how hard it can be.

Don't ever regret your past. I mean, we all have stuff we regret, but you have to let it go at some point and use that energy for something better.

Still haven't taken anything, in another 12 hours it'll be 2 days totally clean, so i might as well at least try to get to that point. Almost fell asleep around 7pm but had to make dinner, ect, but i thought ok, i should be able to sleep tonight... Now it's 12:30 am and its just not happening, so i got back up to surf the net for a while.

Good for you for throwing out your stash :)
 
You know, the trippy thing is I've been on opiates so long that being totally clean like this almost feels like I'm on a psychedelic. I was driving downtown yesterday, and it was sunset, the sky was pink and gray and lilac, i had some Led Zep playing, and everything seemed so intense-the colors, the music, the meaning of the lyrics.. And i was stone cold sober. It would've been a lot more enjoyable if i did'nt feel achey and miserable though :p
 
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