Man I don't even know where to start for real. Like On the one hand I am doing really well and making progress on the other hand I am stagnate and regressing. I have made real progress dealing with my childhood trauma and my addiction to drugs. On the other hand I have made no progress on my depression and suicidal ideation. I shower maybe once a week its a struggle just getting to the methadone clinic everyday. I just lay around eat, play xbox, and read stuff on the internet. I don't really have any motivation to do anything else. I just feel like I am not cut out for this planet. I feel like a burden on my family who must pay for all my medical expenses which are running at around 700 dollars a month due to how expensive mdone is here. I try to show them I care by doing the dishs and little stuff around the house but I often don't feel up to the task of doing those chores.
I haven't always been like this. I used to have a social life. I went to school and sometimes held a job. I went to concerts and music festivals. Hell I even used to shower everyday. I wish I could point to one singular event which triggered but its been more of a slow decline.
Anyway my therapist has given me the assignment of answering 2 questions
.
1. Why would someone want to be in my life?
2. Why do I want to live?
My first reaction too both questions is fuck if I know? But I am going to try a little harder I guess.
So why would someone want to be in my life? I am generous and will go out of my way for a friend without asking for anything in return. In short I am a good friend I offer emotional support and whatever practical support I can. I am loyal most of my friends are people I have known for many years. I can also be fun to hang out with as I am open to doing activities other people want to do with no complaint. I guess the gist of it is I have a big heart.
The question of why I want to live is harder to answer but I will try and these are not in any particular order of importance I don't think. I don't want to hurt my mother by dying. I am her only child, her world really and I don't think she would cope with my demise. I want to see the Eagles win the Super bowl. I want to go to Burning Man. I want to see Moscow especially Vladimir Lennons mummified corpse. I want to see Paris, Rome, and Berlin. I want to catch a premier league game in England. I want to see a Formula 1 race live. I want to fall in love. I want to do lots more drugs. I want to help people. I want to be involved in a revolution. I want to go skydiving. I want to make my mom proud.
That's a longer list of reasons to live than I thought it would be. I don't know I feel like I am at war with my own brain. I have this voice up there telling me I will never be well enough to hold a job or find love. Then I have all these people telling me I have all this potential and shit. That I just need to get it together and everything will magically be better. And I am just paralyzed.
So I think of the third option. Death. Maybe everyone would be better off without me around? Maybe my mom would eventually get over my death? Maybe she would get into activism and save the lives of hundreds of more deserving people. Maybe me sacrificing my life really would be for the greater good? Just a thought.
I haven't always been like this. I used to have a social life. I went to school and sometimes held a job. I went to concerts and music festivals. Hell I even used to shower everyday. I wish I could point to one singular event which triggered but its been more of a slow decline.
Anyway my therapist has given me the assignment of answering 2 questions
.
1. Why would someone want to be in my life?
2. Why do I want to live?
My first reaction too both questions is fuck if I know? But I am going to try a little harder I guess.
So why would someone want to be in my life? I am generous and will go out of my way for a friend without asking for anything in return. In short I am a good friend I offer emotional support and whatever practical support I can. I am loyal most of my friends are people I have known for many years. I can also be fun to hang out with as I am open to doing activities other people want to do with no complaint. I guess the gist of it is I have a big heart.
The question of why I want to live is harder to answer but I will try and these are not in any particular order of importance I don't think. I don't want to hurt my mother by dying. I am her only child, her world really and I don't think she would cope with my demise. I want to see the Eagles win the Super bowl. I want to go to Burning Man. I want to see Moscow especially Vladimir Lennons mummified corpse. I want to see Paris, Rome, and Berlin. I want to catch a premier league game in England. I want to see a Formula 1 race live. I want to fall in love. I want to do lots more drugs. I want to help people. I want to be involved in a revolution. I want to go skydiving. I want to make my mom proud.
That's a longer list of reasons to live than I thought it would be. I don't know I feel like I am at war with my own brain. I have this voice up there telling me I will never be well enough to hold a job or find love. Then I have all these people telling me I have all this potential and shit. That I just need to get it together and everything will magically be better. And I am just paralyzed.
So I think of the third option. Death. Maybe everyone would be better off without me around? Maybe my mom would eventually get over my death? Maybe she would get into activism and save the lives of hundreds of more deserving people. Maybe me sacrificing my life really would be for the greater good? Just a thought.