Just a thought

I just want to die. Today I shot up some old ass cottons I found at the bottom of my used needle bag. Didn't feel anything from it unfortuanatly. Hopefully I'll catch a fatal infection. After that a shot a little bit of a suboxone strip. I mean why the fuck not? The only thing I look forward to is sleep. I sleep as much as possible usually 12 hours or so until I get restless and hot from the sun through my window. Then I sit in my bed and surf the web until I can sleep again. I'm too much of a pussy to hang myself so I guess I have to wait until I have more money for dope to try to overdose again. It hasn't worked the first 3 times so I'm not holding my breath. I guess this is my torture to have to live when I want to die. It sucks.

But I can't complain. I have gotten to do a lot of cool drugs. I have seen some awesome concerts. Had sex a few times. Been to a couple music festivals, I'm content to die. I just can't handle this bullshit anymore. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

 

hey man, I can't help but feel like we are travelling along similiar paths here. I haven't really had much motivation to live since, well fuck, more or less ever now that I think about it.

I have struggled with heroin addiction just like you, and am probably about the same age as you (22?)


Im not a psychologist, but I don't think killing yourself is the answer. I know the thought process too: "well Im already getting heroin it wouldnt be THAT hard to purposely OD."

and youre right, it probably wouldn't be.

but is that how you really want to go out? killing yourself because you dont know what else to do with your life? There has to be some kind of talent you posess, some kind of skill that comes naturally to you, some kind of reason for you to exist on this planet.

I wake up every day and fucking hate my life, but keep going because life is supposed to be a long journey. The people who never experience the negatives of drug usage dont even know what they are living. they fucking read the news about heroin and go "boy isnt that a shame?" but have no idea what the fuck it actually is like. of why people like you and me actually went ahead and did it.

it's because we see through the fabricated existence that satisfies most people. Everyone knows who they are and where theyre going in life, because they want to convince themselves of that. they want to feel assured that they are living how they are "supposed" to be.

but who the fuck decides what is "supposed" to be?

society would have you believe that it is responsible for that.

"you are a drug addict, you are worthless to us"

you know what, theyre pretty fucking worthless to me if I sit down and think about it. I listen to most people talk about stuff and I cant help but be like "dude, you have no idea what the fuck you are talking about"

but I just let it blow over, because I know in my mind that their opinion is just that, their opinion.

It's all about what you can provide to society. You dont have to really be a part of it if you dont want to be, you just have to interact with it enough to prove to people that you aren't a waste of carbon.

and people are fucking stupid man, you really have to shove down their throats things that would be plain as day to people like me and you.

I doubt you have no talents to speak of, and while you may not be able to buy a Ferrari because of some of them, at the very least you should be able to obtain the satisfaction of being able to tell everyone to fuck off in the form of posessing something that they want.

I really feel bad that people are driven to these thoughts and I dont know if this will help or not but I just wanted to let you know that you arent alone, and I feel your pain

but I cant get rid of it for you, and heroin will only do it temporarily. Im not saying I have all the answers for your life, but I dont think suicide would be one of them. Even if it seems like nobody else cares, you just have to have faith that everything happens for a reason.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do or not to do, but I hope you were just having a bad day. And that's no big deal, I have a lot of those. But it doesnt mean I stopped believing that tomorrow could be a good one.

 

I guess I kind of have stopped believing that tomorrow is going to be any better. I have kind of lost that light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. When I was younger I just thought by the time I was 25 I would have a car and my own place to live and at least some kind of job. But I don't. Even worse I have no idea how to get it. That's what really fucks with my head. I don't see any real way in obtaining those things from my current situation. I am not sure what talents I have honestly. I guess I need to figure that out. I don't even know what I really want to do. Like if I could just pick a job and do it I have no idea what I would pick. I'm probably not going to die and that scares the shit out of me because I have no idea what I am going to do.

 

The economic climate and job market in this country is horrible. It's worse for most people in their 20s/30s who are just starting out and who haven't inherited wealth. A lot of us are having a rough time.
It's nothing like the post world war 2 economic boom that the Baby Boomers were able to exploit. 30, 40, 50 years ago. In that "Golden Age" of unprecedented wealth and upward mobility, all they had to do was drop out of high school, and there were plenty of places hiring entry level workers yet they paid living wages, especially if you worked hard and showed some enthusiasm. Unless they have some political and economic awareness (which is rare for them), the Baby boomers don't even appreciate how easy they had it. Nowadays, people with college degrees are bagging your groceries yet don't earn enough to live on.
What I'm trying to say is taht your situation isn't your fault. These are truly difficult times. My own job was practically abolished when Congress cut research funding during the last 10 years. I'm forced to move overseas to continue with my own career path.

 

Socko: yeah it really sucks when I look in the newspaper or on Craigslist job postings and even basic entry level office positions require a 4 year degree. There's a couple car plants in the area sourounding Birmingham but I have heard they are very selective in who they hire and I will soon have a criminal record from drugs when my case gets settled in September. I really want to grow the balls to just leave and move north or west. I think I am going to try and get a fast food job save up 2 grand pick a city and go there and see what happens. Worst case scenario I end up back here living with my parents. It doesn't seem like I have much to lose.