just a fucked up girl trying to make sense of something

[KaylaK]

thanks everybody. and e_char thanks for sharing your experience. i'm very glad you found your answer through 12 step. i've been to quite a few meetings and i've met so many great people that have helped me with my recovery. 12 step wasn't for me, but i learned a lot from it.

pain is a frustrating thing, and it's too bad that so many people get addicted to the thing that is supposed to help. that might be the worst one to kick, i wish you all the best.

 

[Fun at the Venue]

Love and best wishes to you. I'm new to this forum too, although I've been an observor for a few month. It seems a great resource, although abused by a minority.
I can only imagine what you've been through, but I've flirted with the Dark Side and always wary of its pull. If anyone in this scene underestimates it's strength or become complacent about the dangers, then they're bound to regret it. I'm here because it seem these are pretty much my people.
Hopefully you'll find Bluelight of support, and find some sort of kinship with some of the contributors. After all, whether we admit it or not, many people here are a little 'fucked up' to one degree or another and 'trying to make sense of something'
Good luck with your posts, your journey and the answers you're looking for!

Listen to me....the Dark Side...etc! Talk normal you fool! But you know what I mean.

 

[NoRegrets]

hey everyone. I'm just a girl who has done a lot of drugs and has fucked up a lot of things in her life. I'm just looking for somebody else in the world that understands the kind of things you go through when your entire life is driven by the need to be chemically altered. my drug of choice is ketamine.. I know I'm not the only one. Am I?

even though i was taking drugs only for 7 months ( i didnt try many,but i took very large doses of the ones i was using)
i understand ya, cause all people were like you are a beautiful young girl why are you doing this . they talked about me with others (oh how high she was etc)
they didnt understand me at all ( except the people i was taking drugs with). and then i just i didnt go out at all . stayed at home loked up in my room
P.L.U.R

 

[KaylaK]

even though i was taking drugs only for 7 months ( i didnt try many,but i took very large doses of the ones i was using)
i understand ya, cause all people were like you are a beautiful young girl why are you doing this . they talked about me with others (oh how high she was etc)
they didnt understand me at all ( except the people i was taking drugs with). and then i just i didnt go out at all . stayed at home loked up in my room
P.L.U.R

it doesn't matter how long you do drugs for, it's just about how much you let them take over your life. i let drugs become my identity. i was a ketamine addict and i went around acting like this wasn't a problem at all.

most people that don't use drugs or don't know anything about drugs fail to understand the reasons behind what we do. they're quick to pass judgement but won't actually take the time to listen to what we have to say. it's really good to surround yourself with other people in recovery, or at least people who understand addiction.

i'm glad you got off them, there is really no point in wasting a perfectly good life for drugs. you're lucky you only wasted 7 months. i'm just now getting my life back and i'm very happy about that.

 

[KaylaK]

Love and best wishes to you. I'm new to this forum too, although I've been an observor for a few month. It seems a great resource, although abused by a minority.
I can only imagine what you've been through, but I've flirted with the Dark Side and always wary of its pull. If anyone in this scene underestimates it's strength or become complacent about the dangers, then they're bound to regret it. I'm here because it seem these are pretty much my people.
Hopefully you'll find Bluelight of support, and find some sort of kinship with some of the contributors. After all, whether we admit it or not, many people here are a little 'fucked up' to one degree or another and 'trying to make sense of something'
Good luck with your posts, your journey and the answers you're looking for!

Listen to me....the Dark Side...etc! Talk normal you fool! But you know what I mean.

what is normal? i'm pretty convinced it doesn't exist. thanks so much for your support, it feels great to speak to people who truly understand.

 

[NoRegrets]

it doesn't matter how long you do drugs for, it's just about how much you let them take over your life. i let drugs become my identity. i was a ketamine addict and i went around acting like this wasn't a problem at all.

most people that don't use drugs or don't know anything about drugs fail to understand the reasons behind what we do. they're quick to pass judgement but won't actually take the time to listen to what we have to say. it's really good to surround yourself with other people in recovery, or at least people who understand addiction.

i'm glad you got off them, there is really no point in wasting a perfectly good life for drugs. you're lucky you only wasted 7 months. i'm just now getting my life back and i'm very happy about that.

i was amphetamine,Ecstasy and weed addict .
people could see me sober only few times cause i was high all the tym, if i didnt get drugs i got drunk
iv been clean for 1 month now , but i still feel like i need them - i really wanna try other drugs- but i kno if im gonna take them one more time , there is no way im goin to stop
my personality has really changed, pissing off my mum everyday cause i have nothing to do , im locked up in my room dont wanna kno anybody having little hallucinations every night. getting mad very easily cause i feel nobody understands me .cause nobody knows what iv been goin thru
the people that i used to call friends started to judge me , even though they were taking drugs sometimes but u kno , i only feel comfortable with people that have been goin thru the same thing
im glad to hear that u got off the drugs , best of luck with that )

 

[Fun at the Venue]

Good point about 'normal'KaylaK. There's a book still to be written on the use and misuse of that term. And a very eloquent response to 'NoRegrets'.
My problem was even less than 7 months, and followed numerous years of initially frequent and then mostly infrequent dabbling. But thanks to my own failings/situation, a scummy dealer and the third most addictive illegal out there, (do your homework folks, this is all about learning, lol!) I had a **** of a blip.
Thankfully I had an awakening, a switch just flicked and that was it. Well not quite it. There was considerable physical discomfort and I'll be dealing with some of the other consequences for years, (as will some of those close to me).
But I'm back, which was an important starting point.
Since then I've managed to get control of an array of things which were negatively effecting my life and focus becomes a bit clearer every day.
I am still left with a slight urge to dabble, as before all this, which I've still to put into context. Especially regards so called legal highs/rc's. It would be nice to party every so often and it would be dishonest to say there's no positives to such things. (I miss MDMA!) Not to ignore the significant downsides as well as the self indulgence ot it all. We'll see on that one, there's other priorities and anything that get's in the way of those, I just can't be bothered with.

D'oh....started to ramble. This should really have been for my member introduction or some other thread. Damn! Nevermind. If it means anything to anyone, then good. Otherwise, just ignore!

A teaser for you...there is an unbelieveably ironic side at where I'm writing this from at present. Nothing bad, but can't tell you in case i get found out. Answers on a postcard please! Not sure I'm allowed to PM, but if I can I will, for a correct answer. Cheers!

 

[Fun at the Venue]

NoRegrets...you look like you're online. Where are you with things now? Have you got the help you need?

 

[NoRegrets]

NoRegrets...you look like you're online. Where are you with things now? Have you got the help you need?

hey , im just tryin to fight it on my own , and seems like im gettin on quiet well
i mean , i can say no to drugs t(even though its very hard).. but i just feel like someday i will try some drugs that i havent tried yet and im afraid everythin is goin to start from the beggining anyways thanks for asking
btw , as far as i understand u were taking MDMA right'?
im happy to hear ur not taking it anymore , i know few people who are so addited to it , like i was to Amph ,E n weed,
i think i will smoke only weed at the parties, cause i dont like alcohol it makes me sleepy.plus it doesnt give me any energy
P*L*U*R

 

[godlovesugly]

i feel ya, girl. youre not the only one...trust me.

 

[TheBuckler]

if it makes you feel better i drove fucked off my face on cocaine and had a fatal accident nearly had my legs amputated. 2 months and 15 operations later im out of hospital on my way to recovery, i just started walking again. i get shitty depressed and i feel like a fucked kunt all the time and i try to deal with it but unfortuantely i mask my pain with endones which are a strong pain killer. cheer up youre def not alone im also getting back into my daily pot smoking habit haha

 

[NoRegrets]

if it makes you feel better i drove fucked off my face on cocaine and had a fatal accident nearly had my legs amputated. 2 months and 15 operations later im out of hospital on my way to recovery, i just started walking again. i get shitty depressed and i feel like a fucked kunt all the time and i try to deal with it but unfortuantely i mask my pain with endones which are a strong pain killer. cheer up youre def not alone im also getting back into my daily pot smoking habit haha

hi, im really happy to hear that you are starting to walk again .

 

[Fun at the Venue]

hey , im just tryin to fight it on my own , and seems like im gettin on quiet well
i mean , i can say no to drugs t(even though its very hard).. but i just feel like someday i will try some drugs that i havent tried yet and im afraid everythin is goin to start from the beggining anyways thanks for asking
btw , as far as i understand u were taking MDMA right'?
im happy to hear ur not taking it anymore , i know few people who are so addited to it , like i was to Amph ,E n weed,
i think i will smoke only weed at the parties, cause i dont like alcohol it makes me sleepy.plus it doesnt give me any energy
P*L*U*R

I should have been specific. My problems were with crystal meth. Stay away from that bad boy! The thing I miss is 'E'. I know that's not exactly the same as MDMA, but often make the mistake. Never had much problem with that, other than some fairly unproductive days following usage and annoying comedown. But I certainly wouldn't advocate it either. I never overindulged with that one. I recognise there's a fine line between using a substance in a controlled way, and the using/substance controlling you. From my little knowledge, that's all mixed up and dependant on the chemistry of the substance, your own circumstances and state of mind, (or vulnerability) and the amount or regularity of using.
I'm glad you sound as if you're dealing with things. I'm equally concerned you're not getting other help. There's far smarter people than you and I, who have got sucked into a wrong direction, so there's certainly no shame in asking for help. I'm someone who's always had to do things their own way, and never ask for help. I've learned the hard way that's not always the smartest choice. I don't know where you're from, but there is councilling or support groups available in most places these days. Joining here has been a good step, as at least you will find people to relate to and share with. And you've got me as a friend now as well...god help you!
BTW, I relate to the bit about trying drugs again. From my previous post you'll see I've still got that slight itch. Being someone who could handle things for years, as a very casual and infrequent user, to going to someone with a problem, does make me worry I might go loopy again with the slightest indulgence. I definitely wouldn't go near CM again, and there's lots of other stuff I'd stay clear of, but can't honestly say stuff I've handled previously, without significant consequences, is unappealling.
What's P*L*U*R - I'm out of touch!?

 

[NoRegrets]

I should have been specific. My problems were with crystal meth. Stay away from that bad boy! The thing I miss is 'E'. I know that's not exactly the same as MDMA, but often make the mistake. Never had much problem with that, other than some fairly unproductive days following usage and annoying comedown. But I certainly wouldn't advocate it either. I never overindulged with that one. I recognise there's a fine line between using a substance in a controlled way, and the using/substance controlling you. From my little knowledge, that's all mixed up and dependant on the chemistry of the substance, your own circumstances and state of mind, (or vulnerability) and the amount or regularity of using.
I'm glad you sound as if you're dealing with things. I'm equally concerned you're not getting other help. There's far smarter people than you and I, who have got sucked into a wrong direction, so there's certainly no shame in asking for help. I'm someone who's always had to do things their own way, and never ask for help. I've learned the hard way that's not always the smartest choice. I don't know where you're from, but there is councilling or support groups available in most places these days. Joining here has been a good step, as at least you will find people to relate to and share with. And you've got me as a friend now as well...god help you!
BTW, I relate to the bit about trying drugs again. From my previous post you'll see I've still got that slight itch. Being someone who could handle things for years, as a very casual and infrequent user, to going to someone with a problem, does make me worry I might go loopy again with the slightest indulgence. I definitely wouldn't go near CM again, and there's lots of other stuff I'd stay clear of, but can't honestly say stuff I've handled previously, without significant consequences, is unappealling.
What's P*L*U*R - I'm out of touch!?

the E that i was taking was different each time , most of the times i just took Diablo
my problem was i overdosed nearly every time , i was sober maybe only once week, and than i got high again .
i was thinkin about tryin meth , but it seems lyk its not the best idea
anyways im originally from Latvia i moved to Ireland cause my brothers lived here but now im left only with my mother , the place i live rite now is a small town had 2 move here , and here is no ppl that i could ask for help , they are all selfishh ( not gonna go in details) i kno my sister is on sum heavy drugs , but i dont have contact with her , besides im not sure if i would b able to talk with her about it .
may i ask u wat kind of drugs u wanna try ?
and all my life iv been dealing with problems on my own
and being here makes me feel better , can share your stories here etc, u seem to b good friend
Plur , is Peace love unity respect

 

[DWILLSY]

hi i am new here an still trying 2 find my way around but am finding it a good source of info my drug of choice is h but as i have been a user for bout 15 years isnt much i havent tried only found site cos of whats happening with the gear scene at the mo but am glad i did
i realised years ago i was a gear head but 2 be honest i still dont feel i wanna quit but am in 2 minds as looks like i have no choice at the mo but any way this was just meant 2 be a hello im new thing so am gonna shut up now lol

 

[NoRegrets]

hi i am new here an still trying 2 find my way around but am finding it a good source of info my drug of choice is h but as i have been a user for bout 15 years isnt much i havent tried only found site cos of whats happening with the gear scene at the mo but am glad i did
i realised years ago i was a gear head but 2 be honest i still dont feel i wanna quit but am in 2 minds as looks like i have no choice at the mo but any way this was just meant 2 be a hello im new thing so am gonna shut up now lol

welcome to bl , hope u will enjoy our community

 

[Fun at the Venue]

the E that i was taking was different each time , most of the times i just took Diablo
my problem was i overdosed nearly every time , i was sober maybe only once week, and than i got high again .
i was thinkin about tryin meth , but it seems lyk its not the best idea
anyways im originally from Latvia i moved to Ireland cause my brothers lived here but now im left only with my mother , the place i live rite now is a small town had 2 move here , and here is no ppl that i could ask for help , they are all selfishh ( not gonna go in details) i kno my sister is on sum heavy drugs , but i dont have contact with her , besides im not sure if i would b able to talk with her about it .
may i ask u wat kind of drugs u wanna try ?
and all my life iv been dealing with problems on my own
and being here makes me feel better , can share your stories here etc, u seem to b good friend
Plur , is Peace love unity respect

I've been sniffing around the Research chemicals/plant food scene, but it's well dodgy. I was stung earlier in the year regards 6-apb and 5-iai. A lot of hype and dodgy gear/vendors going about. I've not been able to satisfy myself that that's changed much and the whole area seems bewildering. Methoxetamine is another one I've been following. If i were you I wouldn't waste my time with that stuff or anything else you've still to try. Not that I can talk!
You sound quite isolated where you are, I understand there might not be any support groups near your small town, but there might be some sort of helplines you could call for free. I'm no expert but I'll try to find out.

This is where a moderator should step in with some useful advice. Feel free Mods!

 

[NoRegrets]

I've been sniffing around the Research chemicals/plant food scene, but it's well dodgy. I was stung earlier in the year regards 6-apb and 5-iai. A lot of hype and dodgy gear/vendors going about. I've not been able to satisfy myself that that's changed much and the whole area seems bewildering. Methoxetamine is another one I've been following. If i were you I wouldn't waste my time with that stuff or anything else you've still to try. Not that I can talk!
You sound quite isolated where you are, I understand there might not be any support groups near your small town, but there might be some sort of helplines you could call for free. I'm no expert but I'll try to find out.

This is where a moderator should step in with some useful advice. Feel free Mods!

Yea i know ,beside im very young , i shouldnt think about trying anything anymore. but i feel like i will someday , maybe after year or 2 who knows.what kind of ppl i will meet
wel this is a small town but here is nearly everything,
i was thinkin about moving back to my country , cause i miss all friends etc
and in here nearly everyone is taking drugs or smoking weed ( but they r not the people that i would trust) , each time when i went to party , half of the ppl were high and it didnt help me to quit
thanks 4 help , but u dont have 2 waste ur time for that ill b ok , just need more discipline , i think i have 2 much freedom since my family splitted, thats when i started to take all that sh*t
anyways, thanks for help

 

[Fun at the Venue]

Yea i know ,beside im very young , i shouldnt think about trying anything anymore. but i feel like i will someday , maybe after year or 2 who knows.what kind of ppl i will meet
wel this is a small town but here is nearly everything,
i was thinkin about moving back to my country , cause i miss all friends etc
and in here nearly everyone is taking drugs or smoking weed ( but they r not the people that i would trust) , each time when i went to party , half of the ppl were high and it didnt help me to quit
thanks 4 help , but u dont have 2 waste ur time for that ill b ok , just need more discipline , i think i have 2 much freedom since my family splitted, thats when i started to take all that sh*t
anyways, thanks for help

I'll butt out after this, but check out www.drugs.ie
Might not be for you, but they seem to have a helpline, it can't do any harm.

 

[NoRegrets]

I'll butt out after this, but check out www.drugs.ie
Might not be for you, but they seem to have a helpline, it can't do any harm.

tnx ill check it out