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June Recovery Thread

Captain.Heroin

Captain.Heroin

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
94,868
Greetings guys. I will go first.

I am not doing well. I can get exceedingly high and not worry about stuff. But the despondency and numbness of PTSD is making my life a living nightmare.

Stay strong everyone.
 
Cap, was getting worried about you. You usually start the monthly recovery thread the first day of the month. Are you doing any work to combat the hold your PTSD has on your life?
 
hotfriesmmm said:
Cap, was getting worried about you. You usually start the monthly recovery thread the first day of the month. Are you doing any work to combat the hold your PTSD has on your life?
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Thank you hotfries. You seem like a really good person to have asked me that.

The despondency, indifference, numbness, isolation, nightmares etc. is getting pretty serious. Panic, anxiety under control. Working on the depression, I think it's fading for now.

I deliberately go out of my social circles, where I feel safe or comfortable, to try new things, to go new places, etc. Trusting others, etc. I am at the core a very solitary individual and want to "do it all myself" subconsciously and I realize that is counter to modern societal life and quite unreasonable given my status but moreover the world's.

I also am reminding myself, constantly, that this is neurological imbalance or maladaptation of some sort and that I have medicine and things I can do to work on it, there is help out there if I am in a crisis situation and what not. Life is dauntingly long. I try to talk about things with people. It can be hard to open up and actually feel empathy from someone else and feel comforted by it and not vulnerable in doing so. I've had a few good "shares". I don't think "sharing" any more is going to help, but I still may try later on. I'm trying to feel good on a daily basis about at least one thing, you know? I remember one of my friends (married, she has children) does a dinner meal ritual where you say one good and one bad thing about your day before you have dinner. I try to list at least one good thing about every day I'm living so that I feel there's something to look forward to every day. Dreading an entire day will undoubtedly lead to prolonged depression.

It helps to know I am not important in the grand scheme of things, it is very reassuring and comforting. It also helps to know I'm not the only one who experiences grief/loss.

re: why I didn't start the thread on June 1st.... 06/01-06/02 was fucking crazy for me. I will write up the tale for some friends one day but yes I was completely pre-occupied and I don't think I made many if any posts on BL. In fact, I'm going to go back and read what I wrote because I undoubtedly forgot what I said.
 
I almost beat the fuck out of my iop counselor guy friday. Most pissed off i have been in a long time. Reminded me that i need to stop letting people walk over me.

I got job interviews tomorrow! Hopefully I get one of them and start moving towards getting my own place
 
cj said:
I almost beat the fuck out of my iop counselor guy friday. Most pissed off i have been in a long time. Reminded me that i need to stop letting people walk over me.

I got job interviews tomorrow! Hopefully I get one of them and start moving towards getting my own place
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It can be really hard to speak up and set boundaries with words and I don't blame you for struggling with it, it's something I work on every day.

Congrats on the job interviews man!
 
cj: Good for you for standing up for yourself cj, I know that can be challenging. Good for you though, I'm here for you if you ever need anything too, xo

CapH: , you do so much on here to help others don't forget to reach out if you need to or would just like to talk and unload a bit. You can pm me anytime. xo
 
Thanks. I get socially anxious a lot and I really need to work on my issues more. I have done so much and it seems like it's never going to be enough.

The PTSD symptoms are pretty bad but manageable in some ways. Other times it kicks my ass.
 
@cj How'd the interview go?
@Captain.Heroin I wish i could be with you socially - people say i have a calming effect. I'd crush all the noobs who make you anxious with my cold, cold gaze..

:p
 
Sometimes I fear others will have a negative impact on me. Other times I just don't want to be around other people. Most of the time I just like being alone. I don't know why. I didn't used to be this way my whole life. I think it's a PTSD thing.

I'm trying to calmly and collectively work myself through everything, one thing at a time. It's a lot to deal with.
 
Cap, I totally understand not wanting to be around or even associate with people. That's something I am trying to work on too. What's worked for me is choosing a small circle of people I know I am trust and relate with. For me its only 3-4 people. I've been condition not to trust or rely on other people, from my time spent in the Emerald triangle. I was also forced to take care of myself when my parents died in my early 20's. What my life experience taught me was at the end of the day. All we really have is ourselves, and you can sac the fuck up and take care of yourself. Or be a whiney little bitch and live a horrible life. But what I've come to see as the truth is, yes, self reliance is important. But so is meaningful relationships with others.
 
I get really despondent and shit, but I think I'm going to go out and start my day and not get too withdrawn. Wish me luck guys.
 
madness00 said:
@cj How'd the interview go?
@Captain.Heroin I wish i could be with you socially - people say i have a calming effect. I'd crush all the noobs who make you anxious with my cold, cold gaze..

:p
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I think it went well. They said thy would call me after they ran a background check. A background check to move peoples furniture..... what a world
 
Just to bring it back to reality...CJ will you be in people's houses? If so, there is the reason for the background check. I had a large quantity of "stuff" taken back in my active addiction by some movers here in Vegas. By stuff I mean pharmaceuticals. LOL. I learned two "valuable" lessons: 1. Always move my own pharmaceuticals (no matter how benign). 2. A thief screams the loudest when stolen from. 2469 days clean and free.
 
I said fuk these NA 12 steppers, some of whom have been attending for 15 years and putting in ($5/day) x (say 351 days a year) x (15 years) = $26,325 in AFTER-TAX dollars. Fuck that shit. Most of them I ran into were total DRONES who needed a hobby and who had no friends and no day jobs and on social assistance because they wanted to be. Been on tabacco/nicotine, alchohol beer two beers a week, clonaz to feel good and high, oxy to get shit done for my paid work since I live in the real world compared to these NA dysphoric sufferers of anything relating to reality. Currently take T3s with my coffee in the morning so that the likely hood of diarrhea is less likely to occur and I can be on time for what I have to get done. After 7 days of hard paid work, I bought 5 rocks and rewarded myself for what I have accomplished and what I still have to accomplish. I'm not addicted to hard nor benzos(yet).
Despite the distraction from all the busyness of accomplishing checklists of things and putting money in the bank, I hate my fuckin life. I remember vividly the time I asked at the "spot" "if anyone was selling hard?" To which one replied no, I just have "down." I say "ah, no thanks." Never thought about it again. Until every day after the incident. The "down" is the H and Fent mix that is killing at least 2 people per day in my community. I thought about the book I own titled Final Exit The Practicalities of Self-Deliverance and Assisted Suicide for the Dying. By Derek Humphry 3rd Edition published/last edited in 2002. I thought this book is extremely out-of-date. The best way to go is to rent a motel room and shoot up 4 bags of this China-White H-Fent from my neighborhood and be done with it and move on to the next life in Samsara (the Buddhist term for Cycle of (Birth, Life, Death, and Rebirth). The point of Nirvana is to escape Samsara for those who are curious; it is compared to extinguishing a candle, or the idea of the 'end of wishing.' The end of desire so that the suffering ends, which begins within. Too bad I am just a lay Buddhist/theorist and suffer from such manic depression and my depressive episodes last for so fucking long that I might as well snort an oxy if I have real paid work to do in the real world if I can't happen to snap out of it on that particular day. It's expensive but fuck it. Brought back repressed memories of when i was about 6 years old and directed my animosity to that individual 29 years later. Didn't go full fledged but will soon. I'm going to step outside to chill out but not before informing my Dad what had happened years ago. Not sexually molested or anything that bad but, on certain issues and memories as a child , I recall them so vividly that they feel like they occurred just yesterday. And the experience really made me sad and angry, and I remember crying and that Uncle kept at it and all I could do was run into a room or something to get away from the source of emotional pain. It's strange that after so many years, I cannot forget that memory that still holds deep within the recesses of my memory. Trippy, the mind and emotional memory and experience is.
 
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Opi_Kid_Rock said:
I said fuk these NA 12 steppers, some of whom have been attending for 15 years and putting in ($5/day) x (say 351 days a year) x (15 years) = $26,325 in AFTER-TAX dollars. Fuck that shit. Most of them I ran into were total DRONES who needed a hobby and who had no friends and no day jobs and on social assistance because they wanted to be. Been on tabacco/nicotine, alchohol beer two beers a week, clonaz to feel good and high, oxy to get shit done for my paid work since I live in the real world compared to these NA dysphoric sufferers of anything relating to reality. Currently take T3s with my coffee in the morning so that the likely hood of diarrhea is less likely to occur and I can be on time for what I have to get done. After 7 days of hard paid work, I bought 5 rocks and rewarded myself for what I have accomplished and what I still have to accomplish. I'm not addicted to hard nor benzos(yet).
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Not sure the 12 step program would work on me, TBH. But for some they need the structure. I prefer finding my own structure and support systems. I find the whole process a little too.. mushy gushy for me. And my attention span is only so long when listening to other people's sob stories. I mean, i can empathize with people, listen, give advice etc, but when it's the same story over and over it's like.. yeah, i get it, drugs fucked you up. That's why we're all here. Now let's talk about something positive and constructive.
 
CH I'm sure under the circumstances you're doing a great job at holding things together, even though its super painful. are you still going to school/work? all emotions are temporary.

i once got told to 'go into the sharp edge of the pain' but when i tried to and face the pain head on, i just felt like i was falling into an abyss and there was no edge, just infinite pain. but other people have said it helped them work through things.

i'm starting to wonder if NA in the UK and US are even remotely similar by the way you guys talk. or maybe the cultural differences get amplified in there.

my mum is right fecking me off. so, i lost weight when i got really bad, and i'd already been too thin forever, now i've gained like 2 stone and a lot of my clothes don't fit, but a lot do. cos i bought no clothes when my use was really extreme, so my net weight gain from when i last bought clothes isn't a big as my weight gain since i came into recovery. she's now on at me to buy loads of clothes for work and this wedding. she literally doesn't believe i have clothes that fit even though i wear them every fucking day. my job is a post doc. i don't need to dress smart, i can wear my usual combo of jeans, t shirt and hoodie and blend right in. she doesn't believe me and i can't convince her i know more about the dress code in a field i've been in for over a decade than she does.

so, i bought some clothes to placate her. she doesn't fucking like them. i'm super fucking stressed about starting work anyway and really don't need this bollocks!!
 
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I'm keeping up on things yes. Everything else like mental health seems to keep falling apart. Even when some things improve it's like other things get worse, somehow.

I'm sure your new clothes look great! :)

I think my #1 problem is wanting to be alone and isolation, and the effect it has on me.
 
jdfisse said:
Just to bring it back to reality...CJ will you be in people's houses? If so, there is the reason for the background check. I had a large quantity of "stuff" taken back in my active addiction by some movers here in Vegas. By stuff I mean pharmaceuticals. LOL. I learned two "valuable" lessons: 1. Always move my own pharmaceuticals (no matter how benign). 2. A thief screams the loudest when stolen from. 2469 days clean and free.
Click to expand...
yeah it makes sense i guess. I hope i find someones pharmaceuticals.... My boy got a half ounce of weed last week out of someones furniture. Its illegal here still so what they gonna do?
 
good luck with the job cj. i hope you get it having something to do and a bit more money to do things you want to (not blow on b!) would probably do you a lot of good.

thanks CH, i hope my clothes are alright. i mostly don't care how i look/subconsciously desexualise myself but it would be nice to not look scruffy i guess. i'm glad you're keeping things up. it is going to take a little while to process everything that has happened to you recently and in the meantime things will be hard but i'm sure if you give it time, and hopefully get your meds sorted, things will even out.

i'm up and down massively. yesterday was buzzing cos i found a really nice house i can keep my cat in, walk to work from, and live with a girl from NA, which would be a help (she's further along than me and was never addicted to crack or heroin). this morning i was anxious i wouldn't get the house. then didn't want to live with her cos i remembered she gets up at 6 and was scared she'd wake me up. then i actually read my contract for my job and saw i get 29 days holiday + 4 days off between christmas and new year + all bank holidays and was buzzing again. then got anxious about not hearing back about this house again. fucks sake.
 
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