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July Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread vs. "Fireworks and Toss your Works"

Had an appointment with the shrink today. I breathed a sigh of relief when he continued me on Ativan PRN. He's keeping me on my regular cocktail for now, Celexa, Remeron and gabapentin. He seemed really pleased to hear that I've grabbed life by the horns and am working on advanced scuba certs and preparing to take professional development courses.

I'm torn between whether or not to get my medical pot card. He won't prescribe it, but there is a clinic here that will. I have a PTSD diagnosis from treatment so I do qualify under Florida's medical pot law. Honestly, pot just makes me dizzy and kind of nauseous. But I feel like since it's available legally and so many other people use it that I should jump on the bandwagon. I know that's not a good reason to get it, but it is what it is.
 
Its been a pretty exhausting ride, but i'm really glad to be close to the other side. I have made a bunch of improvments. lost a job, lost someone i love, shelved some good friends, explored so many parts of my life and decisions and that was rough to say the least. I have really not had a true moments peace in quite awhile. Dropped some bad behaviors. pushed through a bunch of torturous experiences.


I'm really looking forward to reaching a calmer place and getting my new life rolling. But i can smell a softer day breaking.

Hope everyone is doing well today.
 
Tomorrow I will be volunteering at a 'Stop Heroin' block party, will be giving away tons of bracelets and t-shirts, as well as information.
 
D's said:
Tomorrow I will be volunteering at a 'Stop Heroin' block party, will be giving away tons of bracelets and t-shirts, as well as information.
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What an awesome thing to do, D's. If you don't mind my asking, who's organizing this event? I wish someone in my town would do something similar.
 
What is on the schedule for your event D's? I take it it's organized by a treatment/recovery group of some kind?
 
It was started by a family that lost their daughter to a heroin overdose if I'm not mistaken.
They came up here and gave out tshirts and bracelets that say 'stop heroin', helped cook burgers and hotdogs,followed by a heroin anonymous meeting.
I rode my bike around afterwords, and went to my friends 1yr celebration downtown. He had me read the promises which was pretty cool.

I plan on riding my bike down to the waterfront here in a little bit.clear my thoughts.
 
Sounds like a good thing to do for sure. Good to see you doing so well D's!
 
Well, even if I don't necessarily agree with a lot of stuff surrounding these kinds of events, it sounds like a lot of fun. Who doesn't like biking, waterfronts, grilling and community? Shit, I'd have been keen on going to such an event as this despite my misgivings. I love BBQs like that, even if they're super recovery oriented ;)

What is HA like in your neck of the woods D's? I heard rumors of them when I first tried getting sober years ago, but never was able to find one in LA. I did hear some stuff about HA meetings in Portland, OR, but it seemed like they were kinda understaffed/not nearly as established as NA meetings and mostly focused on H&I stuff.

Have you ever been to a Methadone Anonymous meeting? Like those for people currently on methadone? Between that and Pills Anonymous meetings those have been my favorite (though I don't have nearly as much experience with them as I do NA/AA/CA), as they have tended to have been more open to ideas traditionally labeled as harm reduction.

And to be clear D's, despite my own personal feelings about some of the stuff you've been doing for the recovery community (keep in mind that despite my strong interest in recovery lifestyles, the mainstream recovery movement is my kryptonyte for obvious (to me) personal reasons), I think what you've been doing for yourself is amazing. I sympathize greatly with the need to grow beyond your recovery community I've seen you expressing recently (such as getting a job outside the industry, which I think is a great idea, especially if you'll still be surrounded by folks who also take their recovery seriously).

Doing the recovery thing 24/7 can be grueling, and I know you'll take like a fish to water stuff outside formal recovery stuff you find you connect with. I know I'm kinda kicking this horse to death, but you have accomplished so much over the last year or two, I have a lot of evidence to suggest you are more than capable of thriving once you find something you connect with and feel genuinely passionate about. That is such a rare, beautiful thing :) <3
 
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I had 35 days clean and sober..most I've ever had without going to rehab. Then I lapsed and bought a couple bags of blow and some alcohol. Plan on getting back on the wagon tomorrow, but what the fuck do I do when the cravings hit again? Seems like the same old story over and over and I'm getting sick of this ride. Honestly I feel better on drugs sometimes(self-medication), but it inevitably gets out of control if I don't reel it in....Congrats to all those doing good and good vibes to those trying to do better.
 
RDP89 said:
I had 35 days clean and sober..most I've ever had without going to rehab. Then I lapsed and bought a couple bags of blow and some alcohol. Plan on getting back on the wagon tomorrow, but what the fuck do I do when the cravings hit again? Seems like the same old story over and over and I'm getting sick of this ride. Honestly I feel better on drugs sometimes(self-medication), but it inevitably gets out of control if I don't reel it in....Congrats to all those doing good and good vibes to those trying to do better.
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A 1 day lapse doesn't have to be the end of your 35 days. Some of us have a very hard dealing with cravings and a lapse can be managed by quitting. I don't think I'd be able to ever use opiates/buprenorphine again without immediately relapsing because I had no self control with it. I would use if I had it.

Do you know what you're self-medicating?
 
The struggle is real, here i am smoking Talon cigar'ettes(horible cigar with a filter),eatting a noodle(chicken ramen), and drinking water from a powerade bottle which i purchased 2 weeks ago for .95, maybe its a good thing that i'm so broke. After losing my brother this weekend all of my support group has pulled up on me, and we have been doing activities together.
My mother is getting old too, i could tell by her voice over the phone because there for a split second she sounded like my grandmother. Shes taking the loss hard,and so is the rest of my family. They have each other close by,so its not hard for them to get together, here i am 600miles or more,away.
Not going to be able to go to my brothers memorial service because my mother thinks it will be a bad idea, i mean serously.if i wanted to get fucked up, i would have done so by now. So got a feeling the family will be all together and will be like 'wheres drew' 'oh hes up north in some rehab',i can hear it now.
Glad that i have worked/and in the process of working another 4th step. So i can continue to list my family down, and keep giving it over to my higher power whom today i call my creator.

Sometimes I feel like i am off the grid, from family stuff,which is true.stopped talking with my father a year ago, and its been 2 months since ive spoke with my sister,my mother calls me now. Usually its the other way around. I just stopped fucking caring,about shit. And for once in my life I feel pretty good about myself.
 
I'm not having a good evening. Am dangerously close to taking a drink. I've already taken 3mg of Ativan over the course of the day. Some asshole creamed my pickup truck. I'm out of service calls on AAA so now I have to pay a left fucking nut and they won't be here until 11:15pm.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
A 1 day lapse doesn't have to be the end of your 35 days. Some of us have a very hard dealing with cravings and a lapse can be managed by quitting. I don't think I'd be able to ever use opiates/buprenorphine again without immediately relapsing because I had no self control with it. I would use if I had it.

Do you know what you're self-medicating?
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Well said :)
 
aihfl said:
I'm not having a good evening. Am dangerously close to taking a drink. I've already taken 3mg of Ativan over the course of the day. Some asshole creamed my pickup truck. I'm out of service calls on AAA so now I have to pay a left fucking nut and they won't be here until 11:15pm.
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Sorry to hear about the truck. And I know this is obvious, but I hope you can separate the truck issue from the urge to get loaded. is there anything else you can do to relieve some of the pressure? Shit, if it takes a few Ativan, that's cool. Maybe someone you could hang out with or talk on the phone with?

Sending you my best. <3
 
aihfl said:
I'm not having a good evening. Am dangerously close to taking a drink. I've already taken 3mg of Ativan over the course of the day. Some asshole creamed my pickup truck. I'm out of service calls on AAA so now I have to pay a left fucking nut and they won't be here until 11:15pm.
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Stuff like that always shakes me up to. Are you physically OK? Were you in the truck when someone hit it?

Stay strong. I would have totally taken the lorazepam too in your situation. <3
 
aihfl said:
I'm not having a good evening. Am dangerously close to taking a drink. I've already taken 3mg of Ativan over the course of the day. Some asshole creamed my pickup truck. I'm out of service calls on AAA so now I have to pay a left fucking nut and they won't be here until 11:15pm.
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I'm really sorry to hear that. I had an accident in January 2 days after a bought a new VW Golf with the money VW gave me to buyback my diesel Golf. They gave me a great deal. I was still getting used to how the car handled differently than my old one. I was westbound on Sligh (I know these street names names don't mean anything to you) trying to turn left onto I-275 southbound. The light was green but eastbound Sligh was stopped to not block the intersection because the traffic in front of them wasn't moving. The guy in the far left lane of eastbound Sligh was stopped and waved my thru the intersection. To me it looked like the far right lane of eastbound Sligh was clear so I tried to go. Bear in mind I have nowhere to go and all day to get there but impatience is still one of my biggest character flaws. A PT Cruiser slams into me. The side curtain airbags deploy and the emergency help thingie is blaring at me. I never saw what hit me. No one was hurt. A matter of a foot I'd say and nothing would have happened. Hit me just in front of the right front wheel. Turned out the frame wasn't bent. So the cops come. I wasn't fucked up or anything. I was clearly in the wrong so I got a careless driving ticket. I called my wife and she came to the scene, took one look and left me there in disgust. Meanwhile I drained my phone talking to the insurance company. So after everything is cleaned up I ask the policeman if he can call me a cab. He says sure but what happened to your wife? I told her she got disgusted with me and left. He tried really hard not to laugh but couldn't help himself. Then inexplicably his laughter caused me to laugh. Just the absurdity of it all. He had to walk away because he couldn't wipe the shit eating grin off his face. So even bad things can have a another side to them. I felt like the policeman bonded with me, maybe that was in my head who knows. As soon as I got home I downed 2 Xanax and felt much better in a matter of minutes. Amazing how that stuff works better when it's not recreational use.

Aihfl don't let this get to you. Stuff happens to all of us in life. Sometimes it seems, life is just one damn thing after another.
 
Thank you everyone, and FLA, I live in Orlando, so I know Tampa and know the streets.

Yesterday was just a perfect shitstorm:
1. I have a burnt out low beam headlight in my primary car, a Subaru Outback. I'm in the parking lot of Advance Auto Parts, open the hood, throw my keys and the packaging for the bulb in the drivers seat and the car fucking locks. So I had to call AAA, and that was my fourth service call and why I was fucked on the truck tow. Oh and Subaru very ingeniously designed the headlights so the average user cannot change the bulb. I watched a youtube video about it and it involves taking the fucking tire and front wheel well cover off to access it.

2. I went to the business meeting at the agnostic/atheist AA meeting. I should have followed my gut and not gone. I had a bad feeling about it, but I went anyway, because I thought it would be a good thing to appear more involved. Nope. The business meeting was nasty. Very ugly with people sniping and yelling at each other. Historically this group has been very open and democratic about who chairs meetings, but it's become a clique and I'm not in the clique. I tried to stay for the regular meeting but only got about 20 minutes in when I thought "fuck this circle jerk" and left.

3. When I got home is when I noticed the truck. I live in a condo (I own my unit) and we passed a hefty assessment to fix the place up, consequently rents went up and at the end of every month Uhauls are all over the place because people are leaving (in general a good thing). That's when I noticed that someone had hit my truck and nearly pushed it into the next car. The fuel pump on the truck is bad and it doesn't start, but the registration is current and it has a condo association parking sticker on it so I figured I'd just let it sit until I had the time to deal with it, but because some dickwad hit it and literally pushed it, I had to deal with it right then and there. I was out of service calls with AAA so I had to go and get $50 out of the ATM at Wawa (gas/convenience store for you non-east coasters) for the tow. I gave a serious look at the beer/wine cooler, but then the longer I looked at it, I got a little nauseous, so I left with only my cash.

The mechanic I've been going to for years is in my old neighborhood and ironically right next to the AA group I went to for years. It was about 11 at night when all was said and done, and they have a 10:30pm meeting. There were a few people there, I bitched about my day, and I felt a lot better. Now that it's morning, I feel ok. Don't even remember waking up once last night.
 
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^^
That's a shitty day for sure, but you handled it really well. I hope you get some serious down time today, and that you get to rest up; that sounds exhausting.
 
Thanks Sim. Not getting much in the way of rest but getting errands done - mechanic fixed the headlight and apparently I had a brake light out to - no charge and I'm getting a slow leak fixed at Costco tire. Really, really happy with myself that I didn't drink. Can't wait for yoga this evening and just getting myself stretched out and relaxed.
 
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