So, yesterday I was reorganizing and went thru this huge box of papers-
In it I found a journal I started keeping when I lost my baby.....Here is some of it.
(I may or may not continue with other entries until the last entry?)
"So, I decided to start this journalto help me say all the things I need to say.....I figure if I am able to get it out somehow, maybe I'll have an easier time moving forward.Eventually I would like to find this journal and be at a place in my life where I can burn it, and release the memories.
I found out I was pregnant after 6 years on wanting a baby, trying fertility treatment twice which failed and then ..... It happened.
When the Dr. said "And the blood test shows that you ARE pregnant"
I was SHOCKED, to say the least. It was the best thing I have ever heard.
The word pregnant in relation to me.....
'Pregnant' since then has sounded so different.
The next day I call everyone I knew to share our happy news.
I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother, and all of my family and friends knew this.
So when I told them, everyone was truly happy for us. I kept thinking of Mothers Day coming up and how, though my baby was still growing inside of me,I was excited b/c it would be my very first Mothers Day.
The days go by- I check out every book I could find on pregnancy (at the library), I read online what was happening inside of me- I was happier than I have ever been in my life. Everyone says "when you see your child for the first time, you are so filled with Love, Nothing Compares". When I found out I was pregnant , I felt that love, and so did (husbands name). We were on Cloud 9.
Then May 10th.
I went to the hospital b/c I was spotting.
They told me my HCG level which should have been around4-5000 was 121.
I was miscarrying.
My baby died.
Some people may not see being between 6-8 weeks something I should mourn.
Some people say its not a baby.
BUT I had life growing inside of me.
My child was growing inside of me.
I was devastated.
I cried like never before. Andrew and I cam home and hugged and cried together.
Then the pain started, and the bleeding started.
The pain was in my bones.
Every part of me, physically, emotionally and spiritually was in unbearable pain.
My first Mothers Day never happened.
I spent that day in complete despair."
In it I found a journal I started keeping when I lost my baby.....Here is some of it.
(I may or may not continue with other entries until the last entry?)
"So, I decided to start this journalto help me say all the things I need to say.....I figure if I am able to get it out somehow, maybe I'll have an easier time moving forward.Eventually I would like to find this journal and be at a place in my life where I can burn it, and release the memories.
I found out I was pregnant after 6 years on wanting a baby, trying fertility treatment twice which failed and then ..... It happened.
When the Dr. said "And the blood test shows that you ARE pregnant"
I was SHOCKED, to say the least. It was the best thing I have ever heard.
The word pregnant in relation to me.....
'Pregnant' since then has sounded so different.
The next day I call everyone I knew to share our happy news.
I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother, and all of my family and friends knew this.
So when I told them, everyone was truly happy for us. I kept thinking of Mothers Day coming up and how, though my baby was still growing inside of me,I was excited b/c it would be my very first Mothers Day.
The days go by- I check out every book I could find on pregnancy (at the library), I read online what was happening inside of me- I was happier than I have ever been in my life. Everyone says "when you see your child for the first time, you are so filled with Love, Nothing Compares". When I found out I was pregnant , I felt that love, and so did (husbands name). We were on Cloud 9.
Then May 10th.
I went to the hospital b/c I was spotting.
They told me my HCG level which should have been around4-5000 was 121.
I was miscarrying.
My baby died.
Some people may not see being between 6-8 weeks something I should mourn.
Some people say its not a baby.
BUT I had life growing inside of me.
My child was growing inside of me.
I was devastated.
I cried like never before. Andrew and I cam home and hugged and cried together.
Then the pain started, and the bleeding started.
The pain was in my bones.
Every part of me, physically, emotionally and spiritually was in unbearable pain.
My first Mothers Day never happened.
I spent that day in complete despair."