My 24-30 pill a day habit had finally come to a boiling confrontation 10/4/94. That was the day I got arrested and spent the night in jail. That was how I brought in my 30th birthday. I only kept this jornal for 2 months, but I'm glad I did. Reading about the past, I remember how utterly awful I felt. I came across this and decided to share. I had decided to try to abstain from all drugs forever and had been clean a few days. I had to detox. I had to find a job. I was faced with felony charges and a possible jail sentence for which I was lucky to have known a criminal defense attorney. Most of all, I was faced with a frieghtening reality of going about life each day without dope.
Oct. 31, 1994
Today is my 8th day of not abusing drugs. Believe it or not, I actually had a good day today. It's surprising since it's so early in my recovery & past experience has taught me that I feel like shit emotionally and physically when abstaing from drugs. I know this will pass, but I'm told during the first 90 days of recover I will have physical & emotional ups & downs. Due to the amoiunt of dope I was using , it will take a year b4 all this crap leaves mt system, they tell me. I didn't hand out candy to kids this year cause I went to an AA meeting as well as an NA meeting afterward. A man named Rick was nice enough to drive me home after NA cause my car is in the shop.
11-1-94
Today I have alot to be grateful for. I have 9 clean days. I saw my attorney today and she gave me alot of encouragement. I I don't have to go to court in 2 days, she will appear for me. She will stall the courts for 6 months so that means my fear of having NA taken away from me are gone. I am free to go to as many meetings as I like. God has answered my prayers. My Dr., my friend Patches from NA, and my attorney/friend Michelle have all told me I physically look so much better and that I appear more alert and vibrant. I wasn't aware there was any difference. I saw my ex roommate William today. He is going thru alot of pain and despair and is numbing it with crack and alcohol and living with some crackheads in a motel room in Watts. I told him of my battle and begged him to get out of that place. They tell me it is possible to stop the destructive cycle of self hate, and self medicating, although at times I wonder if I'm e er really going to make it. I never saw or heard from William again.
11-2-94
Went to a 2:00pm AA meetubg vua taxi. I got to share and listen with other women about their addictions/alcoholism. Spoke with some of the women afterward then took a long walk and ate dinner at my fav Mexican restaurante. Walked to store to get a money order to pay a bill. Walked to a bus stop took bus closest to my house. Walked to Savo-On and took a cab to an NA meeting. I listened only and didn't share. They say few men stay kicked and even fewer women. NA member John drove me home.
11-3-94
Didn't want to get out of bed today. parly cause of the fact I'm denying myself the indulgence of dope for pleasure and my body is detoxing. The other reason is it's a pain in the ass being w/o a car. THat friggin car just had to fuck me b y needing a transmuission replacement. This meant having to drop out of college cause I have no way to get to and from classes. NA and AA meetings I have to walk a country mile up hill to get the buss, and to get to NA meetings I have to take a taxi to the actual meeting which gets expensive. It helped some to go to the meeting. I wasn't feeling all that hot today & yad to fight with my mind not to use.
11-4-94
Took bus to McDonalds, then went to AA central office. Took 2 buses to restaurante, one to my attorney, then walked to AA after that. After meeting I had alot of fun. Chriss & Margee from AA and I spoke after meeting went to her house, talked, then went to an NA dance. Sure as hell felt akward actually dancing with people sober. Still for the 1st time in a long time I got some serenity and managed to enjoy life w/o dope. I didnt think that was possible.
11-5-94
Went to some meeting and enjoyed the walk home afterwards. The beautiful stars and the night air remind me of when I was under 18. I walked all over the city then, to everywhere. Ive only been in this program for 13 days clean and already feel attitude & inner peace. Mom got drunk tonight & started pushing my buttons. Instead of yelling and screaming like I would have done in the past (stoned or sober) I stayed calm and walked away. For the first time I don't feel totally hopeless or hate myself.
11-6-94
I've been getting comments to the effect that I look physically better, that I have a nice smile, and that I can be charming. These are qualities I never truly believed UI had. I never had any respect for my appearance cause I always hated my body. Went to my friend Mikes house. He says he likes me alot better now that I've quit using.
11-7-94
Felt lazy and shitty today. Went to some meetings. The group hugs made me feel better as well as the walk home tongiht
11-8-94
On a down slope today. Wanted to get loaded but I couldn't. If I can't get loaded, why can't UI just die and gfet it over with? This is hell. Emotionally it is totally unnatural for me to go w/o my dope. Oh fuck!
11-9-94
No real compulsion to use, but the thought stayed in my mind. Then this one guy from AA wanted me to have a drink with him somewhere so he could fuck me so I ditched his ass real quick.
11-10-94
Went to Mikie's had dinner, went to meeting. Watched movie with Mom, fell asleep in chair.
11-11-94
Staying sober is a real bitch at times even though I'm no longer going thru hard core w/d's. I'm experiencing a total lack of energy. Went to some meetings did have craving for my dope, though not as strong as 1-2 weeks ago. Enjoyed walk home and the lovely stars.
12-29-94
The real bitch about feelings is they seem so powerful and leave me feeling impotent. Anger sucks cause I can't act on it unless it's out of self defense and even then hard to deal with constructively when I want to rip someone's head off. Then there is depression and sadness. Sadness at what? I hate myself for having these feelings cause sadness leaves me feeling vulnerable. I surely do miss my dope right now. Better to take dope and be comfortably numb.
12-30-94
Bombarded with fear, sorrow, comfort, lust, regret, and wonder. I fucked one of the dudes in NA. His name is Brad. He got me horny after 2 years of celibacy. Went to NA meeting 2nite & he and I didn't even look at each other.
12-31-94
Men have always been the source of great joy or pain. Brad called and asked me to a motel with him tonight, his treat. I'd have to give up a party, but w/o my dope, I'm getting horny. He likes to cuddle in bed and calls me sweetheart, honey, and I'm not used to this at all. Hopefully I'll get some good sex. Well New Year's arrives, we make out, he gets me wet, then he gets up and says he's leaving cause he can't do this. He went on about some BS how he was trippin about his ex wife and son. I was so horny, and pissed with that fuckwad and told him so. He tried to hug me goodnight, but I pulled away, slammed the door on his back, turned the porch light off so he'd have to walk in the dark. I hope his fucking dick falls off. 1995 started out shitty, but why should that be any surprise? Full of pent up anger and horniness and wanting to explode, I felt alone and in need of comfort and help to deal with feelings of being overwhelmed.
Runny mascara and tear stained cheeks decorated my face. So who would lend understanding and a shoulder to cry on? I drove my car to Margee's and started popping pills. She drove me to an AA meeting. I couldn't concentrate, so I went outside. Chriss and Margee left in her car and left me alone with this AA dude to talk to. No way, Jose. Some things u don't say to guys. It was colder than hell, but I enjoyed a long walk home. When I'm loaded on pills, I walk 3 times as fast and furious as I do normally. I was home in about 30 minutes. I popped 30 pills within 24 hrs. I got really fucked up. Had I stayed on dope, this humiliation, this lust, never would have happened and I wouldnt be feeling like such a helpless ass! Fuck!
I proceeded to call and cuss Brad out 30 new flavors of inventive explectives all night long. Feeling horny, loaded, and horny, proceeded to then leave 30 flavors of horny messages on his machine. Christ almighty, I hope at least one of us got sufficient entertainment out of me making an even bigger ass of myself. I turned off phone and fell into a drugged sleep til next evening.
1-2-95
Margee and Chriss drug me to 3 fucking meetings and tried to railroad me into another, at which point I adamatly refused. 3 people from AA kept sating I needed to go to more meeting. Fuck that, I was pissed, and proceeded to go home and get loaded again.
1-3-95
Didn't do jack shit. Ordered pizza, ate in, spoke to some normie friends on phone. Maybe after a bit more stoned bliss, I can start o er tomorrow.
1-6-95
Haven't done dope since 1-2-95. Went to some meetings 2nite and spoke w some women afterwards. When I read back on this journal, I get really scared cause I can see I have a real Jeckell-Hyde personality when I get fucked up. I still get cravings for dope, but man I can't believe how insane I get sometimes under the influence.
Epilogue: Although I didn't put down the pills completely forever, I did manage to cut back by 2/3. I tried to follow NA as long as possible, and it was helpful in some ways. I did complete drug diversion, I stopped forging scripts to get dope, and Dr. shopping slowing declined over 3 yr period. I did find work and stayed with that job 2 yrs, and felt alot better because of it. It was a struggle reducing, the first 90 days were hard, but it did get better. That's all I can say folks.
Oct. 31, 1994
Today is my 8th day of not abusing drugs. Believe it or not, I actually had a good day today. It's surprising since it's so early in my recovery & past experience has taught me that I feel like shit emotionally and physically when abstaing from drugs. I know this will pass, but I'm told during the first 90 days of recover I will have physical & emotional ups & downs. Due to the amoiunt of dope I was using , it will take a year b4 all this crap leaves mt system, they tell me. I didn't hand out candy to kids this year cause I went to an AA meeting as well as an NA meeting afterward. A man named Rick was nice enough to drive me home after NA cause my car is in the shop.
11-1-94
Today I have alot to be grateful for. I have 9 clean days. I saw my attorney today and she gave me alot of encouragement. I I don't have to go to court in 2 days, she will appear for me. She will stall the courts for 6 months so that means my fear of having NA taken away from me are gone. I am free to go to as many meetings as I like. God has answered my prayers. My Dr., my friend Patches from NA, and my attorney/friend Michelle have all told me I physically look so much better and that I appear more alert and vibrant. I wasn't aware there was any difference. I saw my ex roommate William today. He is going thru alot of pain and despair and is numbing it with crack and alcohol and living with some crackheads in a motel room in Watts. I told him of my battle and begged him to get out of that place. They tell me it is possible to stop the destructive cycle of self hate, and self medicating, although at times I wonder if I'm e er really going to make it. I never saw or heard from William again.
11-2-94
Went to a 2:00pm AA meetubg vua taxi. I got to share and listen with other women about their addictions/alcoholism. Spoke with some of the women afterward then took a long walk and ate dinner at my fav Mexican restaurante. Walked to store to get a money order to pay a bill. Walked to a bus stop took bus closest to my house. Walked to Savo-On and took a cab to an NA meeting. I listened only and didn't share. They say few men stay kicked and even fewer women. NA member John drove me home.
11-3-94
Didn't want to get out of bed today. parly cause of the fact I'm denying myself the indulgence of dope for pleasure and my body is detoxing. The other reason is it's a pain in the ass being w/o a car. THat friggin car just had to fuck me b y needing a transmuission replacement. This meant having to drop out of college cause I have no way to get to and from classes. NA and AA meetings I have to walk a country mile up hill to get the buss, and to get to NA meetings I have to take a taxi to the actual meeting which gets expensive. It helped some to go to the meeting. I wasn't feeling all that hot today & yad to fight with my mind not to use.
11-4-94
Took bus to McDonalds, then went to AA central office. Took 2 buses to restaurante, one to my attorney, then walked to AA after that. After meeting I had alot of fun. Chriss & Margee from AA and I spoke after meeting went to her house, talked, then went to an NA dance. Sure as hell felt akward actually dancing with people sober. Still for the 1st time in a long time I got some serenity and managed to enjoy life w/o dope. I didnt think that was possible.
11-5-94
Went to some meeting and enjoyed the walk home afterwards. The beautiful stars and the night air remind me of when I was under 18. I walked all over the city then, to everywhere. Ive only been in this program for 13 days clean and already feel attitude & inner peace. Mom got drunk tonight & started pushing my buttons. Instead of yelling and screaming like I would have done in the past (stoned or sober) I stayed calm and walked away. For the first time I don't feel totally hopeless or hate myself.
11-6-94
I've been getting comments to the effect that I look physically better, that I have a nice smile, and that I can be charming. These are qualities I never truly believed UI had. I never had any respect for my appearance cause I always hated my body. Went to my friend Mikes house. He says he likes me alot better now that I've quit using.
11-7-94
Felt lazy and shitty today. Went to some meetings. The group hugs made me feel better as well as the walk home tongiht
11-8-94
On a down slope today. Wanted to get loaded but I couldn't. If I can't get loaded, why can't UI just die and gfet it over with? This is hell. Emotionally it is totally unnatural for me to go w/o my dope. Oh fuck!
11-9-94
No real compulsion to use, but the thought stayed in my mind. Then this one guy from AA wanted me to have a drink with him somewhere so he could fuck me so I ditched his ass real quick.
11-10-94
Went to Mikie's had dinner, went to meeting. Watched movie with Mom, fell asleep in chair.
11-11-94
Staying sober is a real bitch at times even though I'm no longer going thru hard core w/d's. I'm experiencing a total lack of energy. Went to some meetings did have craving for my dope, though not as strong as 1-2 weeks ago. Enjoyed walk home and the lovely stars.
12-29-94
The real bitch about feelings is they seem so powerful and leave me feeling impotent. Anger sucks cause I can't act on it unless it's out of self defense and even then hard to deal with constructively when I want to rip someone's head off. Then there is depression and sadness. Sadness at what? I hate myself for having these feelings cause sadness leaves me feeling vulnerable. I surely do miss my dope right now. Better to take dope and be comfortably numb.
12-30-94
Bombarded with fear, sorrow, comfort, lust, regret, and wonder. I fucked one of the dudes in NA. His name is Brad. He got me horny after 2 years of celibacy. Went to NA meeting 2nite & he and I didn't even look at each other.
12-31-94
Men have always been the source of great joy or pain. Brad called and asked me to a motel with him tonight, his treat. I'd have to give up a party, but w/o my dope, I'm getting horny. He likes to cuddle in bed and calls me sweetheart, honey, and I'm not used to this at all. Hopefully I'll get some good sex. Well New Year's arrives, we make out, he gets me wet, then he gets up and says he's leaving cause he can't do this. He went on about some BS how he was trippin about his ex wife and son. I was so horny, and pissed with that fuckwad and told him so. He tried to hug me goodnight, but I pulled away, slammed the door on his back, turned the porch light off so he'd have to walk in the dark. I hope his fucking dick falls off. 1995 started out shitty, but why should that be any surprise? Full of pent up anger and horniness and wanting to explode, I felt alone and in need of comfort and help to deal with feelings of being overwhelmed.
Runny mascara and tear stained cheeks decorated my face. So who would lend understanding and a shoulder to cry on? I drove my car to Margee's and started popping pills. She drove me to an AA meeting. I couldn't concentrate, so I went outside. Chriss and Margee left in her car and left me alone with this AA dude to talk to. No way, Jose. Some things u don't say to guys. It was colder than hell, but I enjoyed a long walk home. When I'm loaded on pills, I walk 3 times as fast and furious as I do normally. I was home in about 30 minutes. I popped 30 pills within 24 hrs. I got really fucked up. Had I stayed on dope, this humiliation, this lust, never would have happened and I wouldnt be feeling like such a helpless ass! Fuck!
I proceeded to call and cuss Brad out 30 new flavors of inventive explectives all night long. Feeling horny, loaded, and horny, proceeded to then leave 30 flavors of horny messages on his machine. Christ almighty, I hope at least one of us got sufficient entertainment out of me making an even bigger ass of myself. I turned off phone and fell into a drugged sleep til next evening.
1-2-95
Margee and Chriss drug me to 3 fucking meetings and tried to railroad me into another, at which point I adamatly refused. 3 people from AA kept sating I needed to go to more meeting. Fuck that, I was pissed, and proceeded to go home and get loaded again.
1-3-95
Didn't do jack shit. Ordered pizza, ate in, spoke to some normie friends on phone. Maybe after a bit more stoned bliss, I can start o er tomorrow.
1-6-95
Haven't done dope since 1-2-95. Went to some meetings 2nite and spoke w some women afterwards. When I read back on this journal, I get really scared cause I can see I have a real Jeckell-Hyde personality when I get fucked up. I still get cravings for dope, but man I can't believe how insane I get sometimes under the influence.
Epilogue: Although I didn't put down the pills completely forever, I did manage to cut back by 2/3. I tried to follow NA as long as possible, and it was helpful in some ways. I did complete drug diversion, I stopped forging scripts to get dope, and Dr. shopping slowing declined over 3 yr period. I did find work and stayed with that job 2 yrs, and felt alot better because of it. It was a struggle reducing, the first 90 days were hard, but it did get better. That's all I can say folks.
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