Journal entry from May 25, 2005

[TJ5]

Ryan so far has had some very good shit. It has to be. I think this is day #4 I'm going on staying awake, save for perhaps nodding out 10 min 2 or 3 times in a 4 day period? It's sad, I'm sad for Scott, how he just casually went off to jail and probably figuures I'm gonna flake on him just like all the rest, now that he ain't here to pass out the bag. As far as meth heads go, Scott and Ryan I believe are good people. Yeah, we meth heads always seem to have our shortcomings, that's for sure, but some of us are basically good at heart. It's already fucking Monday night. In 48 hours, the sheriff will be here to lock me out. Sigh. I've come to the conclusion that seeing as how I'm financially challenged, it might just be best to leave the heavy shit I can't move behind instead of even attempting to hassle with it. Ryan although looked quite sleep deprived today when he stopped by to drop of Dave's and my orders, said, "I'll help you out." That was cool of him. I honestly don't expect he'll remember, but come tomorrow, perhaps I'll make my final assessment as to if any of this heavy shit is actually going into storage or not. If I still had a job I was going to at least 3 times a week at present, I'd have been a bit more optimistic regarding the chances of how long it will be in actuality to GET another place. As usual, who the fuck knows. The life of a meth head is often times uncertain. Comes with the territory. Ryan had asked about Erik. "What's up? Thought you were going to marry him by next week or he was supposed to be out?" "Yup. Apparently his Denver gig got cancelled, which is probably just as well. Where would we both be living in my car or at my Mom's? Not hardly," I said. LOL. He doesn't seem too concerned about it and as usual all I can say is the life of a meth head is as transient at times as his emotions are volatile. Deep down, intuition suggested this marriage thing ain't gonna happen, or if in fact it does, it gonna be a long ass while down the road. Whatever works. Sometimes shit happens or doesn't happen for a reason. Maybe it's Homeboy of all homeboys' upstairs that perhaps it's best you remain single and legally unattached for now, TJ, as you know full well you need to get your shit together, and Erik face it, would serve as only another pleasant distraction for you right now. I seem to be quite fond of pleasant distractions. Big surprise. Right before Ryan arrived and I came to these realizations and most probable predictable outcomes of both the housing and marriage situation for me, an old tired voice inside me spoke up, "Your one true marriage, not people, but the one you turn to most often for comfort is the one that's gonna be there for you and see you through these hard times girl." I got a strange, odd, sense of security and comfort in this realization of my life. My chemical romance. It will be Mr. Prick that I run to for solace. And sure enough, my only husband I ever had and longest to last out of any love affairs I've ever had, as always Old Faithful had his arms outstretched for me. "It's alright babe. Remember I promised to take care of you in times of sickness and in health?" Although I've not done it on the outside, it's the cryin on the inside that did get done on the shoulder of Mr. Prick. Well at least there is at least that comfort. It seems reliably predictable and safe that it should turn out this way. Any marriage actually bound by the laws of the state I live, would only be more of the unknown because to date, that is one road I've never traveled, the road of legal matrimony and divorce. This must seem terribly pathetic an existence to any outsiders reading and indeed, had I been in their shoes right now, as opposed to my own, I'd in most probability agree. Not mind you, that is to say I'm happy about being ejected from one of the earth's most endearing possessions held dear to my heart, which is to say my home. Then again, life itself is only temporary. Tomorrow I will seek a bit of opiate solace, the last I'll probably get for a couple months or at least one month. May as well get it while I can. Cause then it's gonna be time to clean up all too soon again. I got diverted in trying to make money today, so ended up not going into work to turn in my keys. I figure hell may as well make the most of my time here as I can. After tonight and tomorrow night, I won't have a place to be able to make money out of. I had gone out at 7am this morning to work the street circuit and got a suit for a customer. Went back out 11am, stayed out for 2 hrs, but no dice. Very early in the morning or 9p-11p seem to be the times for money to be made. Makes sense. Early morning, men are mega horndogs and later in the evening the suits I attract are those putting in overtime, and also, we creatures of the flesh tend to take comfort out of the fact that nighttime tends to conceal or tone down the loudness or vulgarity of our sins. Lord knows I need to earn some serious bread, as much of it as I possibly can b4 my apartment is yanked away from me. In terms of work in call vs. outcall escort is a much better deal. It's on my own turf, I don't have to drive, and these aren't 3rd party clients as they are when you get an agency involved. There's more power in the direct approach because directness allows more awareness of the client and the situation, which in turn allows more control. Well gonna prepare me another fix guys. Might as well live it up while I can right?