Jet (critique, please!)

[leiphos]

Jetting (critique, please!)

Pink Floyd blares
on the jet
to nowhere, where
the lake’s waves will break
the sun (if one is left).

Floyd’s guitars
redeem me, press me
into this bear chair
they call skin, this leather

beneath my ass.
The oxygen’s
hiding in the ceiling, high
as my mind. And
a woman in bright blue’s
trying to speak through

my ears’ armor,
through Pink Floyd
at 9 AM.

I’m finally flying
nowhere
as usual.

 

[New]

I actually really like the stanza breaks in this one. Nice work.

 

[leiphos]

Thank ya, Samael. Stanza breaks are tough, but I try to keep a fluidity between the end and start lines of each stanza--like, I try to have them trickle into one another, you know?

Do you publish your work at all, btw? PM me if you've got anything especially good, or some links to published work or a blog or whatnot. I dig your words too, man.

 

[New]

Just the BL blog and the Words archive. Thanks.

 

[psycosynthesis]

Lovely poem leiphos

Are these song lyrics by any chance? When I read it my mind it seems to sound like it would work well with music.

The re-occuring rhymes in the first two stanzas are very subtle and flow well, I also dig the subtle almost rhyme of jet-left. The third stanza seems a bit cluttered on the page/screen to me however to be honest. I reckon playing with its position/line breaks a little could really open it up.

 

[leiphos]

^^^
Nah, it's not lyrics. I'm terrible at writing lyrics, even though I've been labeled numerously as a "lyric poet," and also compose musical scores for short films (only wordless music, though).

Thanks for noticing the rhymes, by the way. And also, thanks for pointing out the third stanza's clutter. I think it has to do, partly, with the enjambment in the stanza, which I've employed very clumsily.

In fact, this poem has a lot more issues than just the third stanza, now that I'm looking it over again... Oh well. Time for another draft!

 

[lostNfound]

The last stanza was a perfect fit.
I specifically enjoyed the recurring reference to Pink Floyd.

 

[(Wordy)]

I like the conciseness of this, and the line breaks. But to be honest, I'm not really sure about the poem as a whole.

Don't get me wrong, I love Pink Floyd, and what you're getting at seems clear enough, but I'm just not sure why you're getting at it? What's your intent with this poem? There's nothing that really takes me by surprise or astonishes me... as if the poem needs some other element to really make it jet?