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Jealousy is sickening

When you see a guy flirting with your girlfriend, maybe just come up, put your arm around her, give her a kiss or something, say hi to the guy (or introduce yourself) whatever. Personally I wish my boyfriend would do this instead of completely ignoring it. Ughh. :p
 
Focus on why you feel that way, work past it. Jealousy is not a useful emotion.

llama112 said:
When you see a guy flirting with your girlfriend, maybe just come up, put your arm around her, give her a kiss or something, say hi to the guy (or introduce yourself) whatever. Personally I wish my boyfriend would do this instead of completely ignoring it. Ughh. :p
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Maybe he's just too shy to want to do that llama. Maybe he trusts you so much he knows that there's nothing to feel threatened by if he sees you flirting with another guy?
 
llama112 said:
When you see a guy flirting with your girlfriend, maybe just come up, put your arm around her, give her a kiss or something, say hi to the guy (or introduce yourself) whatever. Personally I wish my boyfriend would do this instead of completely ignoring it. Ughh. :p
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i'm glad you said that. in previous relationships, i felt like being confident and trusting meant never acknowledging or acting on any concern when other guys hit on my girlfriend. after two break-ups, i was told that this was a pretty big problem for them, as it came across as me not really caring. part of a relationship is letting others know that you're in a relationship and no longer available. by completely ignoring other guys making passes, you often give the impression that you're indifferent to your relationship.

i really don't think asserting yourself in these kind of situations amounts to jealousy. you don't want to be the guy starting fights over imagined insults or snooping through text messages, but at the same time, a girl wants to see that you care whether or not people know you're together.

Monkeybizness said:
As a girl I feel the only one that should put that Guy in his place is her . . . only she can solve the issue with out you looking like a jealous boyfriend
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honestly, i've had a lot of instances where my gf has told a guy "sorry, I have a boyfriend" only to have him respond with "oh yeah? well where is he?" - in these cases, it's a lot easier to shut them down with a firm handshake from me. i certainly don't think of her as helpless, but I do think this is a situation where a man should act assertively.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Maybe he's just too shy to want to do that llama. Maybe he trusts you so much he knows that there's nothing to feel threatened by if he sees you flirting with another guy?
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He trusts me completely, that's why. He's all "you're an adult, I don't need to be there" I mean true I'm an adult but it is a lot easier when he's there. :p

double ewe said:
i'm glad you said that. in previous relationships, i felt like being confident and trusting meant never acknowledging or acting on any concern when other guys hit on my girlfriend. after two break-ups, i was told that this was a pretty big problem for them, as it came across as me not really caring. part of a relationship is letting others know that you're in a relationship and no longer available. by completely ignoring other guys making passes, you often give the impression that you're indifferent to your relationship.

i really don't think asserting yourself in these kind of situations amounts to jealousy. you don't want to be the guy starting fights over imagined insults or snooping through text messages, but at the same time, a girl wants to see that you care whether or not people know you're together.

honestly, i've had a lot of instances where my gf has told a guy "sorry, I have a boyfriend" only to have him respond with "oh yeah? well where is he?" - in these cases, it's a lot easier to shut them down with a firm handshake from me. i certainly don't think of her as helpless, but I do think this is a situation where a man should act assertively.
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Agreed! Yes, it's great to be confident and completely trust your s/o. In fact, that's how it should be. I know my bf is not going to leave me for another girl. But if a girl is hitting on him (he's usually oblivious) then I can come up, give him a hug or a kiss, it's obvious he's with me, there you go.
I've had it too. I was at a festival and some guy started talking to me, I kept saying, I have a boyfriend, the guy was all "I don't see anyone" and I really wish my bf would have come up or something!
My female friends are great, they know when I'm annoyed with a guy hitting on me, and they will come help me out. My boyfriend does not.

Back to the OP. A small sign of affection is good. Kiss her on the cheek. Say hi to the guy. Don't make a bit deal out of it. You're allowed to talk to your girlfriend - she's your girlfriend - so I think that's perfectly fine!
Talk to your girlfriend and see what she's okay with. If she's uncomfortable with certain things (let's say she's okay with hugging guys but anything besides that ... no) then keep an eye out for her.
 
^Yeah that's the thing tho it wasn't some random it was a friend of hers. I guess she spoke to him about it, told him to back off more or less. Im not going to think so heavily on it next time, I'm sure it'll happen again at some point cuz we're both hot shit. If it's the same dude, violence. Anyone who doesn't know or offers up the same kind of disrespect in my presence I'll probably just have a word with them and they can decide whether or not they'd like to escalate things.

So far this is my least favorite part of being in a relationship. Seems like the whole time we've been together one of us is stressing about the others attention from the opposite sex.. Her a lot more in the beginning.. But yeah other then that shit life with her is bliss.
 
To my understanding from the OP post was that they were around friends and that she knew him, If she knows him she can talk to him straighten things out. Being at a rave and a stranger bothering the girl is a different story, I run to my boyfriend when strangers bother me :)
 
great thread...very relevant.

i was surprised until I kept reading.
Nobody mentioned that the real problem, the real cause of your jealousy, was her reaction.
Or lack of...

If she really did say something to him, good for her.
Maybe she did after you said something to her later in the week.
That wouldn't suffice for me.

If he stroked her face and she seemed to like it, that is the real cause of jealousy.
His behavior was disrespectful, no doubt.
But her inappropriate response would certainly cause a strong emotional reaction, perhaps one that you don't understand.
Jealousy is a poor word for a very complex and powerful human emotion.
Possessiveness is a little more accurate I think.
And some men are so unable to cope with this feeling that they do become violent.
Including with the woman they love.

And some cultures evolve control mechanisms to avoid the women even being visible in public!
While this is extreme and wrong, it is evidence that your feelings are quite valid.
You are reacting the way most healthy men would react....internal feelings that you can't control or understand leading to indecision and lack of action. Followed by days of obsessing over it.

It was a wise choice not to act when it first occurred.
These other posts are correct. A strong and firm statement would be all the is necessary.
But at the time you were holding back a caged beast from tearing off his face!
Good choice.

But consider this experience to learn from.
Experience is more important than you can imagine when you are young and starting out in a relationship.
Next time such a thing should happen, remind yourself to remain as calm as possible and make a simple statement.
"Hey, excuse me buddy. That is off limits."

If he gets an attitude, then you can escalate things and put him in his place.
If she gets an attitude, you now have a confirmation about where the jealousy is coming from.
You should always hold yourself responsible for your own feelings and actions in the end.
But there are rules in a relationship.
Some people can share much more than the rest of us.
Most of us can't.

Also, the light show you mentioned makes it sound like you guys were all rolling.
Is this the case?

This would affect his judgement, and hers, in regards to what is appropriate.
It would also affect your ability to cope with powerful emotions.
If some guy that knew she was mine, started caressing her face while we were all rolling...
It would fuck up my roll and probably the whole next week. Then I might be posting in SLR asking whether or not I should have beat the shit out of him.

Take it from me, things could be worse.
Try dealing with guys she has already had sex with. Unbelievable bullshit.
There was a thread about this recently on SLR and it strangely disappeared after I posted in it.
I wonder why...
Women in our generation can be pretty damned clueless.
Its a good idea that you let her know how you really feel. Speaking to older guys who have been there, I would say it is critical.
That would be called communication, I guess.
 
Oubli said:
Also, the light show you mentioned makes it sound like you guys were all rolling.
Is this the case?
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Absolutely not, I would never enter into a relationship with someone who takes ecstasy.. No offense to those out there who do, I consider the drug to be one which loosens inhibitions to a degree which would make me unable to trust that person. The guy giving the lightshow loves to roll, another of a list of reasons why I dislike him.. And I don't automatically dislike someone for rolling.
 
Nah man...where ever did you get the idea that keeping things bottled up is the right response to anything? It's definitely better to get things off your chest when they arise.
If they are you true feelings, you need to let her know about them, or else you aren't being true to the relationship. That's why those ex's of your didn't like it when you didn't do anything about your jealousy. Chicks connect shit all the time, and that could easily lead to problems in her mind about other random things in the relationship.

I wouldn't say violence is THE answer, but it's a reasonable possibility in certain circumstances (not anything you've described so far, obviously). Certainly trying to be witty but letting them know to back the fuck off would be better, dropping all pretense of social convention and just saying back the fuck off is also acceptable sometimes. Whatever the case may be, dealing with in in the here and now (or then and there, or whatever) is the only right way to handle it. Crying about it well after the fact is only going to hurt your cause most likely.
 
CoffeeDrinker said:
Nah man...where ever did you get the idea that keeping things bottled up is the right response to anything? It's definitely better to get things off your chest when they arise.
If they are you true feelings, you need to let her know about them, or else you aren't being true to the relationship. That's why those ex's of your didn't like it when you didn't do anything about your jealousy. Chicks connect shit all the time, and that could easily lead to problems in her mind about other random things in the relationship.

I wouldn't say violence is THE answer, but it's a reasonable possibility in certain circumstances (not anything you've described so far, obviously). Certainly trying to be witty but letting them know to back the fuck off would be better, dropping all pretense of social convention and just saying back the fuck off is also acceptable sometimes. Whatever the case may be, dealing with in in the here and now (or then and there, or whatever) is the only right way to handle it. Crying about it well after the fact is only going to hurt your cause most likely.
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This is the best response so far. It's not good to keep things bottled up and practice self-restraint for its own sake. "Jealously," "insecurity," "possessiveness" can be negative behaviors, but at the same time, women attach these words as a way to defend disrespectful behavior on their part. If a guy is putting hands on your girlfriend in a flirtatious way(and he's aware you are her boyfriend) then a stern statement to back off is warranted. If he starts getting aggressive, let him be the first to physically attack.

The problem is some girls like to go out and be the center of attention, they dress provocatively and like the attention. After going to a lot of nightclubs with my girlfriend who dresses sometimes too sexy, I've come to the conclusion that the whole thing is a waste of time and just a way to test a relationship. They like the attention but "want you to know" that "at the end of the night" they are "going home with you.".... this line of thought somehow justifies a night of unnecessary flaunting. Girls just want you to know maybe subconsciously that other guys desire them, so that you continually "appreciate" what you have... as if they didn't do any of this, you would lose interest, which is not necessarily true. Girls play a lot of petty games that they think are much more significant than they are. If your relationship, love, connection is strong enough, all these juvenile games are worthless and a waste of time.
 
lol I just saw Empire Strikes back again and Lando was hitting on Leia and Han said "Alright, alright....ya ol' smoothie..." with a grin and putting his arm around Leia. That seems like a good way to handle it if you know the guy hitting on your girl. You shouldn't need to get all up-tight about these things. I just remembered this thread when I saw that part of the movie and wanted to contribute that observation
 
llama112 said:
He trusts me completely, that's why. He's all "you're an adult, I don't need to be there" I mean true I'm an adult but it is a lot easier when he's there. :p
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Just tell him that then! Let him know it makes you feel more assertive when meeting new people to have him by your side, at least for the first minute. That's not too much to ask IMO. :D Just let him know how you feel, he'll listen!! :)

Also, tell him when he's meeting new people, he should want you by his side too, so everyone can tell you all are really together as a couple. That's good reverse psychology to use. ;)
 
I would take his hand and break a finger but that's just me

i kid i kid

Look, if this is something that is really bothering you then you need to say something to her when you AREN'T around friends because It will only get worse if you keep it bottled up, You need to choose your words wisely though. If you want a successful relationship then you both need to know what bothers one another, even if it's something that seems petty to other party. Communication is the most important part of a relationship, it's the reason me and my wife haven't had anything above a small argument for the past 7 years. There is stuff my wife does that I don't like but part of the reason I am able to deal with it is because I know that I have explained what bothers me and I trust her judgement. If I didn't tell her what bothers me then how is she supposed to know? Things that seem over the line to me may not seem over the line to her and it's important to know where we are both coming from.
 
Well, is she flirting with the other guys back?


Decide if you really want to be with this girl: is she really worth it? Also, is she actually flirting? Some girls are just naturally friendly, and sometimes seem as though they're flirting when, in truth, they are completely dedicated to you. It may be that you are simply too possessive - your girlfriend should be able to talk with other guys in a friendly, nice way. After considering this, if you decide that she is flirting and not simply being friendly, and that it is a dealbreaker for you, tell her of your decision, and tell her why - perhaps it will force her to consider how her actions might be costing her good relationships.

Determine whether you are supplying her with enough attention. Maybe the reason she is seeking attention from other men is because she isn't getting enough attention from you. Try supporting her more and flirting with HER. If you find her flirting with one guy, you could approach her and hug her, kiss her on the cheek, or put an arm around her and give her a big smile, distracting her from other guys. If she is getting good attention, respect and attentiveness from you, she should not need to seek it elsewhere.

Talk to her. Politely ask her why she's flirting with other guys. Keyword: POLITELY, and sincere. Avoid becoming accusatory or hostile if possible, but let her know that you feel her flirting compromises your relationship with her. Take her aside, or wait for a moment away from other people at a later time to talk, and when you do, approach her with frankness and compassion, but with a firm resolve to put an end to the problem. Here are some examples of ways to honestly approach her about it without picking a fight

Emphasize the respect issue. you are not accusing her of being unfaithful or cheating. You are telling her that you feel disrespected when she behaves this way. Make sure she understands that, in your eyes, that's what it all comes down to - does she respect you enough to curb her impulse to flirt?

Ask her to put herself in your place. Don't start flirting with other girls to give her a taste of her own medicine - yet. Instead, ask her to imagine how she would feel if you seemed uninterested in her, but began hitting on all the single women at every party you went to. Get her to really think about it. If worst comes to worst, you could flirt with other girls, but it would be even better if you had a female friend or two that you could collaborate with - a setup. By getting a couple of girl friends to help you out by flirting with you, so that you can flirt back you would show her how this feels, and avoid misleading an innocent girl. By the time she sees you walk up in that "Joey" way, saying, "How you doin?" once or twice, she'll get the picture. If that doesn't stop her...


Don't become suspicious or accusatory; that could be a one-way ticket to splitsville.

Don't put up with it indefinitely. Do give her some time to make changes in her behavior, and to acclimate to a more reserved demeanor when you go out. But if she makes little or no progress toward stopping this behavior, you may not be able to salvage the relationship.
 
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^Good post, def useful advice.. She wasnt flirting tho lol. I honestly didn't like her reaction to the whole thing, basically she did nothing.. But so did I. Seeing how it made me feel I won't be letting it get to me like that again, rather I'll adress it confidently and without being overzealous right when it happens.. I did talk to her about it and she told homeboy to back off.
 
Communicate your feelings. Either she's going ot handle it well and she'll understand OR she'll act like a nut and you'll KNOW FOR A FACT right then and there what the deal is....now....go put your nuts in your throat and man up. I'd be proud of you if you actually did this.
 
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