Hi, so I've been smoking predominately haze weed around 1 - 2 times a week (although i did stop for 3 months) and i have used MDMA around 16 times in the last year and for the first 6 months all was well. Ive only been using drugs a year but is has taken only this long for me to lose my self. My dosages were low and rolls were somewhat spread out. Aside from experiencing a transitory depression all was good. I performed well at college, had many friends and even managed to bag myself a job at a university as a research assistant . Socialising came easy to me and i enjoyed conversation, i talked alot, probably to much.
In the latter 6 months my precautions towards the drug subsided and i began to up my dosages, i spent a 2 month period (from October to early December of 2013) taking MD nearly once a week and over half of these times the dosage was around 500mg.
This binge really began at the turn of my 18th birthday as i was now able to go to uk bass clubs without having to rely on guest lists or fake id's. I was also somewhat heartbroken after falling in love with a girl whilst both on mdma who didnt quite love me back. We shared a chemically induced romance that lasted 8 hours and it had a profound influence on my mind and outlook on life. This alongside my drug use had caused me to become very depressed and so i became somewhat apathetic towards school and buried my head in either drugs, philosophy or music and graphics. Whilst smoking weed (2-3 times a week) and using md i managed to write and create alot of inspiring art ( some links to the stuff i've made https://soundcloud.com/aspect-music https://www.behance.net/NivenPeacock) which lead to me actually gaining some radio 1 and capital fm exposure and making well over 200 pounds from designing nightclub flyers and single artwork . Due to my creative efforts finally receiving recognition i lost awareness of how much mdma i was actually taking, as all i could see was the more drugs i took the better my art seemed to get. As i was also smoking weed at this time i had not become fully aware of my cognitive decline nor realised the impact the drug was having on my mood as i thought much of my troubles at school were due to my cannabis use rather than mdma.
I then used the drug again 3 weeks after this binge using around 250mg.
January - im still regularly seeing friends but i am undeniably very depressed, mildly anxious and having alot of problems with my cognition, my ability to debate has completely gone, and my abstract ideas are also starting to fade. I had become aware of this and so stopped taking the drug for around 2 months but continued to smoke weed. Somewhere in this 2 month period i had a pretty bad trip on some high grade skunk and was left in a malaise of thought loops and severe anxiety for around 4 days but it passed. Bare in mind i do not smoke everyday, nor have i ever and i was only smoking at this point around twice a week, maybe 3 times in a week if it was a holiday. This put me of weed for a while but after 2 weeks i returned to it and all seemed ok. But as i continued to smoke i would notice the days after my internal monologue would be a little disordered and i was beginning to act a little strange around college. What was actually happening was the onslaught of mild cannabis induced psychosis. I began smoking weed less and less as i was becoming very aware of its effects on me and kept it strictly to once a week.
Febuary - I then used around 500mg of mdma at a student rave with my last roll being 2 months ago.
This trip was kinda interesting as i was with a large group of people and i was one of 2 people using mdma, somehow in my drugged up state i ended up dropping another bomb with 30 minutes of the rave left and so ended up high as f**k at 4 in the morning on a tuesday night with nowhere to go. Me and my friend who was also rolling decided to call it a night and i went back to my mates uni halls to find everyone asleep, well trying to sleep. I stroll in spouting a load of crap about wanting to hug everyone and how good i feel but unfortunately no ones on my level and after about an hour of my mate humouring my mdma rants he tells me were gonna have to sleep. This was a really strange experience on md as i spent around 4 hours trying to sleep with my eyes closed but i was completely awake with no one to talk to so i had a whole load of racing thoughts. It was odd as my state was almost meditative and i began asking myself alot of question as the only person i could talk to was me, i gained alot of insight into my psyche but looking back im not sure how much of what i had thought was just drug induced nonsense. Next day i wake up pretty fucked up, not your usual comedown though. As i was experiencing some psychotic effects of weed in the weeks prior to the roll and i smoked whilst rolling using md aswell sent my mind into a very odd place. Again my internal monologue started acting up, i was depersonalised to fuck, extremely anxious and abit paranoid. This eased up over the next few days but i was still kinda messed up and was extremely depressed so i spent most of the week asleep trying to get away from my mind. This is around the time my mum noticed my depression as it was clear i was really messed up. I began missing alot of school because i was to depressed and anxious to go and slowly was losing touch with reality.
March - 3 weeks after this i played a set at a massive house party and took around 250mg of MD. Around this time i had become very anxious and was finding it difficult to interact with people and so i think i partly took the md to briefly relieve some of these problems.
After this is when i really became aware of my cognitive difficulties and my mind started to really fall apart. As i was djing i got some free mandy from a few different people and so consequently probably took a few different batches of the stuff, this alongside being extremely hot (sweating all over) from playing a 2 and a half hour set in an extremely crowded room i believe is what possibly induced some major neurtoxicity. I also suspect some of the MDMA i received may have been adulterated as the high didnt seem like my usual md experiences. Its difficult to say though as i took the drug in 70mg intervals throughout the night so this may have contributed to the muted high.
The days after this i was unbelievably fucked up and was extremely anxious and a bit paranoid ( thinking people were looking at me) and again skipped nearly the whole week of school as i was to messed up to go. At this point i think everyone had become aware something was wrong with me, i was far from my usual self and the school had rung my mum about my lack of attendance and teachers had raised concerned about my mental health. I was forced to go see a doctor and expose my drug use, what she had suggested that what i was experiencing was most likely drug induced psychosis. It was mainly my cannabis use which was causing me the somewhat psychotic symptoms but MDMA alongside this exacerbated my problems.
Due to all this i was forced to leave college and so have not finished my A-levels. The MDMA had given me cognitive difficulties and made me extremely depressed. The weed was making me anxious and mildly paranoid. I was in a really bad place and there was a point where i was even to anxious to leave my home. I hallucinated a couple of times, but it was only really seeing my existing surroundings shift in perspective rather than any kind of schizophrenic hallucination. I was also having major problems with my internal monologue and was severely depersonalised.
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May - I was in this mental state for quite some time and it has only been in the last week that i’ve seen major improvements. From me crying almost every day and being barely able to hold a conversation things have definitely improved. Although that said i am definitely not the same guy i once was, i have isolated myself from all my friends, and suicide has crossed my mind many times, my depression is improving but it has not gone. Although now much of the psychotic effects of drugs have left me what remains is a severely damaged mind and i am still abit anxious and most definitely depersonalised.
What is really worrying me though is my cognitive troubles, my memory is pretty bad and i have completely lost my vigour for life. I have gone from a happy go lucky intellectual with alot of insightful ideas to an unintelligent recluse. It seems i relied on my intellect to socialise and know that is gone i have little to say in conversation. I hear what people are saying but no longer really now what to say in response. I used to be able to talk endlessly with my friends and was extremely good at socialising but know conversations tire quickly. I just feel very slow and find it difficult to have the intellectually stimulating conversations that i once had regularly. People say stuff and im just abit blank as to what to say in reply, it seems to just past through me. I have difficulty explaining things and no longer can discuss ideas with people. Im running on about 30% of the brain power i once had and i feel as though my company is know pretty boring. Ive lost my edge and whit and my ability to debate is non know existent. I think why this has effected my so much is that i never really understood the small talk so many of my peers would constantly be engaged in and so often it was my wayward thoughts and ideas that allowed me to socialise. I feel very out of it and my relationship with my friends has really changed, we no longer can talk in the same way we once did and the conversation is not quite there anymore. I find it hard to follow people and i feel as though people expect me to say some insightful or profound shit like i once did but know i have nothing to say, or very little.
It is my slowness which is really causing me difficulty , i desperately want to be smart again.
My life has really fallen apart and i often question if i want to continue living. It has taken me a year of smoking weed 1-2 times a week (although i did stop for a 3 month period) and using MDMA on and off for my life to completely fall apart. Ive also now got HPPD.If not for drugs i would still be at college, would probably have a girlfriend and would still have the great relationships i once had with my friends. I no longer use drugs and have no desire to do so. In losing my life i know realise how good things once were and how i really took for granted what i had.
Obviously some individuals are much more susceptible to the effects of drugs than others and after talking with my parents i have discovered they also had mental health issues and so it seems this left with me with a latent predisposition to all these problems.
So if you’ve continued to read this far (and i applaud you if you have) my question is will i ever recover from both the cognitive and mental health issues contracted from my MDMA and weed use and do you think i will ever be the same as i once was? It’s been nearly 2 months since i last rolled or smoked an id be lying if i said i wasn’t improving, but I’m no where near where i once was.
Excuse any spelling or grammar mistakes. Im pretty tired and I’m writing this at like 2 in the morning.
In the latter 6 months my precautions towards the drug subsided and i began to up my dosages, i spent a 2 month period (from October to early December of 2013) taking MD nearly once a week and over half of these times the dosage was around 500mg.
This binge really began at the turn of my 18th birthday as i was now able to go to uk bass clubs without having to rely on guest lists or fake id's. I was also somewhat heartbroken after falling in love with a girl whilst both on mdma who didnt quite love me back. We shared a chemically induced romance that lasted 8 hours and it had a profound influence on my mind and outlook on life. This alongside my drug use had caused me to become very depressed and so i became somewhat apathetic towards school and buried my head in either drugs, philosophy or music and graphics. Whilst smoking weed (2-3 times a week) and using md i managed to write and create alot of inspiring art ( some links to the stuff i've made https://soundcloud.com/aspect-music https://www.behance.net/NivenPeacock) which lead to me actually gaining some radio 1 and capital fm exposure and making well over 200 pounds from designing nightclub flyers and single artwork . Due to my creative efforts finally receiving recognition i lost awareness of how much mdma i was actually taking, as all i could see was the more drugs i took the better my art seemed to get. As i was also smoking weed at this time i had not become fully aware of my cognitive decline nor realised the impact the drug was having on my mood as i thought much of my troubles at school were due to my cannabis use rather than mdma.
I then used the drug again 3 weeks after this binge using around 250mg.
January - im still regularly seeing friends but i am undeniably very depressed, mildly anxious and having alot of problems with my cognition, my ability to debate has completely gone, and my abstract ideas are also starting to fade. I had become aware of this and so stopped taking the drug for around 2 months but continued to smoke weed. Somewhere in this 2 month period i had a pretty bad trip on some high grade skunk and was left in a malaise of thought loops and severe anxiety for around 4 days but it passed. Bare in mind i do not smoke everyday, nor have i ever and i was only smoking at this point around twice a week, maybe 3 times in a week if it was a holiday. This put me of weed for a while but after 2 weeks i returned to it and all seemed ok. But as i continued to smoke i would notice the days after my internal monologue would be a little disordered and i was beginning to act a little strange around college. What was actually happening was the onslaught of mild cannabis induced psychosis. I began smoking weed less and less as i was becoming very aware of its effects on me and kept it strictly to once a week.
Febuary - I then used around 500mg of mdma at a student rave with my last roll being 2 months ago.
This trip was kinda interesting as i was with a large group of people and i was one of 2 people using mdma, somehow in my drugged up state i ended up dropping another bomb with 30 minutes of the rave left and so ended up high as f**k at 4 in the morning on a tuesday night with nowhere to go. Me and my friend who was also rolling decided to call it a night and i went back to my mates uni halls to find everyone asleep, well trying to sleep. I stroll in spouting a load of crap about wanting to hug everyone and how good i feel but unfortunately no ones on my level and after about an hour of my mate humouring my mdma rants he tells me were gonna have to sleep. This was a really strange experience on md as i spent around 4 hours trying to sleep with my eyes closed but i was completely awake with no one to talk to so i had a whole load of racing thoughts. It was odd as my state was almost meditative and i began asking myself alot of question as the only person i could talk to was me, i gained alot of insight into my psyche but looking back im not sure how much of what i had thought was just drug induced nonsense. Next day i wake up pretty fucked up, not your usual comedown though. As i was experiencing some psychotic effects of weed in the weeks prior to the roll and i smoked whilst rolling using md aswell sent my mind into a very odd place. Again my internal monologue started acting up, i was depersonalised to fuck, extremely anxious and abit paranoid. This eased up over the next few days but i was still kinda messed up and was extremely depressed so i spent most of the week asleep trying to get away from my mind. This is around the time my mum noticed my depression as it was clear i was really messed up. I began missing alot of school because i was to depressed and anxious to go and slowly was losing touch with reality.
March - 3 weeks after this i played a set at a massive house party and took around 250mg of MD. Around this time i had become very anxious and was finding it difficult to interact with people and so i think i partly took the md to briefly relieve some of these problems.
After this is when i really became aware of my cognitive difficulties and my mind started to really fall apart. As i was djing i got some free mandy from a few different people and so consequently probably took a few different batches of the stuff, this alongside being extremely hot (sweating all over) from playing a 2 and a half hour set in an extremely crowded room i believe is what possibly induced some major neurtoxicity. I also suspect some of the MDMA i received may have been adulterated as the high didnt seem like my usual md experiences. Its difficult to say though as i took the drug in 70mg intervals throughout the night so this may have contributed to the muted high.
The days after this i was unbelievably fucked up and was extremely anxious and a bit paranoid ( thinking people were looking at me) and again skipped nearly the whole week of school as i was to messed up to go. At this point i think everyone had become aware something was wrong with me, i was far from my usual self and the school had rung my mum about my lack of attendance and teachers had raised concerned about my mental health. I was forced to go see a doctor and expose my drug use, what she had suggested that what i was experiencing was most likely drug induced psychosis. It was mainly my cannabis use which was causing me the somewhat psychotic symptoms but MDMA alongside this exacerbated my problems.
Due to all this i was forced to leave college and so have not finished my A-levels. The MDMA had given me cognitive difficulties and made me extremely depressed. The weed was making me anxious and mildly paranoid. I was in a really bad place and there was a point where i was even to anxious to leave my home. I hallucinated a couple of times, but it was only really seeing my existing surroundings shift in perspective rather than any kind of schizophrenic hallucination. I was also having major problems with my internal monologue and was severely depersonalised.
—————————————————————————————————-
May - I was in this mental state for quite some time and it has only been in the last week that i’ve seen major improvements. From me crying almost every day and being barely able to hold a conversation things have definitely improved. Although that said i am definitely not the same guy i once was, i have isolated myself from all my friends, and suicide has crossed my mind many times, my depression is improving but it has not gone. Although now much of the psychotic effects of drugs have left me what remains is a severely damaged mind and i am still abit anxious and most definitely depersonalised.
What is really worrying me though is my cognitive troubles, my memory is pretty bad and i have completely lost my vigour for life. I have gone from a happy go lucky intellectual with alot of insightful ideas to an unintelligent recluse. It seems i relied on my intellect to socialise and know that is gone i have little to say in conversation. I hear what people are saying but no longer really now what to say in response. I used to be able to talk endlessly with my friends and was extremely good at socialising but know conversations tire quickly. I just feel very slow and find it difficult to have the intellectually stimulating conversations that i once had regularly. People say stuff and im just abit blank as to what to say in reply, it seems to just past through me. I have difficulty explaining things and no longer can discuss ideas with people. Im running on about 30% of the brain power i once had and i feel as though my company is know pretty boring. Ive lost my edge and whit and my ability to debate is non know existent. I think why this has effected my so much is that i never really understood the small talk so many of my peers would constantly be engaged in and so often it was my wayward thoughts and ideas that allowed me to socialise. I feel very out of it and my relationship with my friends has really changed, we no longer can talk in the same way we once did and the conversation is not quite there anymore. I find it hard to follow people and i feel as though people expect me to say some insightful or profound shit like i once did but know i have nothing to say, or very little.
It is my slowness which is really causing me difficulty , i desperately want to be smart again.
My life has really fallen apart and i often question if i want to continue living. It has taken me a year of smoking weed 1-2 times a week (although i did stop for a 3 month period) and using MDMA on and off for my life to completely fall apart. Ive also now got HPPD.If not for drugs i would still be at college, would probably have a girlfriend and would still have the great relationships i once had with my friends. I no longer use drugs and have no desire to do so. In losing my life i know realise how good things once were and how i really took for granted what i had.
Obviously some individuals are much more susceptible to the effects of drugs than others and after talking with my parents i have discovered they also had mental health issues and so it seems this left with me with a latent predisposition to all these problems.
So if you’ve continued to read this far (and i applaud you if you have) my question is will i ever recover from both the cognitive and mental health issues contracted from my MDMA and weed use and do you think i will ever be the same as i once was? It’s been nearly 2 months since i last rolled or smoked an id be lying if i said i wasn’t improving, but I’m no where near where i once was.
Excuse any spelling or grammar mistakes. Im pretty tired and I’m writing this at like 2 in the morning.
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