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i've lurked for more than a decade and i'm finally joining! hello all!

alarminglynefarious

alarminglynefarious

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
468
Location
Usa
Hi everyone!

I discovered bluelight in my teens when a whole brave new world of substances was at my finger tips and i lacked knowledgeable and trusted sources i could get quality information from, around the same time as erowid and a few other resources. I turn 30 this year and have lurked these boards on and off for more than 15 years. I have a double-degree in Psychology & English Lit and Rhet; i learned wonderful things in both fields but learned after a couple of years in the work force there was nothing out there for me without a masters at least in either of those fields. At this point i decided to do something different and enrolled in College for an Electronics Engineering Technology program, which i am approaching the completion of. I love learning and am definitely a geek at heart - but a strange one i guess.

I love music, it has saved my life multiple times. I play drums, and the bass guitar best, followed by electric guitar, keyboards, "digital instruments" and the turn-tables [well modern dj controllers.] My taste in music is very diverse, i listen to Extreme Metal and i listen to Hip Hop - both tied for first place in my heart but i dabble in all kinds of music and really don't like to box myself in. I believe that variety is the spice of life and can't imagine limiting myself to just one genre. I write poems, raps, songs, short stories, and anything else my heart desires as a release. In the same sitting i can go from Slayer to Garbage to Nas to Behemoth to Young Jeezy to Dope to Amy Winehouse. I love horror films for a laugh and really pretentious cerebral films like Pi, Mulholland Drive, The Fountain as well as literally anything science-fiction. I play the occasional video game as well - generally violent shooters.

For fun i like building audio circuits from guitar pedals to simple synthesizers with voltage controlled oscillators, and i am a "better living through chemistry" enthusiast. I was diagnosed as bipolar when i was a young adult and thankfully these last five years or so i have figured out how to stay on an even keel and remain a high functioning member of society, school and relationships, although it wasn't always that way. Like i said i'm almost 30 so most of my days of irresponsible problematic usage are behind me, but i do use essentially anything good. i have a love affair with opiates/opioids but i no longer use them regularly - i had a problem with iv opiates in one of the darkest points in my life and thankfully i've never fallen down into that hole again.

Daily i take dexedrine and flurazepam currently and i find the synergy incredible!!! I'm also on lithium and Remeron [an antidepressant, which i will be getting rid of as soon as i get my shrinks okay - i don't need it.] I like to see the goal of life's journey as Hunter S. Thompson did: “Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy shit…what a ride!'" I try to make the most of everything, when i work i do things to my standards and when i enjoy myself i do that to my standards as well. I like alcohol a little more than i should but i limit how often i drink at this point so it does not become a problem. I also smoke pot, although not every day, more days than not. I love going to concerts and i love going to raves. At least when there is a decent more mature crowd around. I love to mosh and i also love to dance, whether it's to trance music or it is a rumba or waltz [i have made sure to learn a variety of styles of dance in my life because i really do think its almost spiritual.]

I'm a scorpio and a lover but i do have a sting when people cross me. I am ruled by a lot of emotion held in place with the wisdom of experience and learned rationality. I joined today looking for others who have experience with amps and benzos simultaneously and have experience with using both together for a while because i find the combination deals with all my issues - dexedrine keeps me sharp, focused and a cut above most, flurazepam which is my current benzo prescription negates social anxiety as well as evens out any negative stimulant effect, my productivity, creativity and happiness with life are something else on the combo.

I have tried most things you can name at least once a lot of them more often than that. I believe that responsible and educated drug use is nothing to look down on and am a libertine at heart. I am here to learn, to consult with others to ensure i am not overdoing things, and to offer my own experiences to guide others from potential disasters. I'm really easy-going, and most definitely am all about positive vibes and positive people. Feel free to ask me anything you're curious about and i look forward to integrating into the community, i have read the guide for new users and i am no n00b to forums whether relating to drugs or other subjects, so i hope i don't step on anyones toes or anything and if i do, please politely let me know because i'm not the kind of person that gets a kick out of pissing people off. I hope to get to know a lot of you if you would like to get to know me.

:)
 
haha i hope that was a term of endearment and even if it wasn't i'm not the kinda guy to take offence to being called a madman!

thanks for being the first to welcome me tracewards!
 
hahaha i figured. i suppose this is a little like alice in wonderland "we're all mad here" or whatever the quote was. i don't really subscribe to the concept of sanity though, i think the most interesting people are the ones that go against the grain!
 
thanks schizopath! if any of you wish please tell me a bit about yourselves, i mean all the basics about me are up there, but i know nothing about you guys
 
Hello, that's quite an intro lol

I'm Flower Fairy I've just come off Mirtazapine, you call it Remeron, it made me put on 10 pounds this time round and then stopped helping my sleep which was the main reason I was on it, I went on it last year for depression too

How much Mirtazapine are you on, did you try any other antidepressants?

Its my go to antidepressant, I've tried almost all the others, SSRI, SNRI, Tricyclics, Propranolol, Busperone, too many meds, even Tramadol which I love, but got addicted to aswell as Benzos lol

I love my benzos, I'm a year clean apart from 2 slip ups when I bought Xanax, I was heavily addicted to Diazepam though which I've not took for over a year

I was a famous Dj, well famous for my neck of the woods but old school, I didn't use laptops or all these new contolers I used vinyl then moved onto Cdjs when clubs stopped getting their 12 10s decks fixed as almost every dj was using Cdjs by then and it wasn't worth thier while

So that's a bit about me

Welcome
 
i've tried a bunch of ssris and they make me unable to orgasm - everything works til orgasm time, i just get discomfort. so they are a complete no no. appetite and sleep are something i've struggled with so in that sense and gaining weight its been good for me. unfortunately the only antidepressants i have experience with are zoloft, wellbutrin, and remeron, out of those i would choose only remeron personally. its also the only antidepressant thats ever felt like is remotely working. i had a bad benzo addiction - it took me almost two years to titrate off with a shrinks help and it was still brutal every time i dropped a quarter dose. i still use flurazepam daily but nowhere near the amount i used to use other benzos like xanax and clonaze in. i used to hate uppers as a kid cuz i was on them for adhd and i've always preferred downers for recreation but admittedly at this point im a functional dexedrine addict.

i'm just a hobbyist when it comes to "mixing" i use a traktor s4 mk ii and a couple of simple akai midi controllers for all my other needs to fuck around with electronic music. i am nowhere near the skill level anyone using cdjs would have. my bass and my guitars are my true babies, i have an ibanez generic 4 string bass that the model of eludes me but its always been great, i have a p-bass that i play less than the ibanez because i just like the feel of the ibanez more and my 6 strings are a les paul studio in satin black [epiphone] and a jackson x rhoads v. play those more than anything else, but at this point i cannot claim to be any more than a hobbyist
 
alarminglynefarious said:
appetite and sleep are something i've struggled with so in that sense and gaining weight its been good for me
Click to expand...

And me, I got down to 7 stone 5 pounds when I taking tramadol, diazepam and my absolute fave Ketamine

When I come off Mirtazapine my wight drops down to 9 stone 4 pounds but I look so much older in the face when I'm thinner, it's such a good appetite stimulant though and it messes up the way your body processes carbs, so that makes you put weight on too, I think it slows down metabolism as well

You might find yourself loosing quite a bit when you come off Mirtazapine, especially because you take dex, that's why you struggle with appetite and sleep, which obviously you must know but thought I'd say incase you don't lol
 
Hi @alarminglynefarious,

Drums, bipolar, Mulholland Drive, weed, late 20's.. We've got a lot in common :)

Wicked cool intro! I think you'll find it's hard to step on peoples toes here, as people are by and large laid back, understanding and nonjudgemental.

What other films do you enjoy, considering we have a similar taste? Do you like classics like Taxi Driver, The Deer Hunter or Reservoir Dogs? What about classic rock like Cream, Santana or Zeppelin?

Gah.. Dexedrine is my dream script! Glad you find your regimen helpful.

I hope to see you around man!

Welcome to Bluelight!
 
madness00 said:
Hi @alarminglynefarious,

Drums, bipolar, Mulholland Drive, weed, late 20's.. We've got a lot in common :)

Wicked cool intro! I think you'll find it's hard to step on peoples toes here, as people are by and large laid back, understanding and nonjudgemental.

What other films do you enjoy, considering we have a similar taste? Do you like classics like Taxi Driver, The Deer Hunter or Reservoir Dogs? What about classic rock like Cream, Santana or Zeppelin?

Gah.. Dexedrine is my dream script! Glad you find your regimen helpful.

I hope to see you around man!

Welcome to Bluelight!
Click to expand...
Yes we definitely do have a lot in common. Reservoir Dogs and literally any Tarantino film or any Steve Buscemi performance IS MY SHIT. Unfortunately i have never seen either Taxi Driver or Deer Hunter. I am a big Led Zeppelin fan but admittedly prefer Sabbath, Priest, Maiden, Motorhead in terms of that era of british rock/ metal. Regardless i am enough of a fan of Zep to own most of their albums on more than one format. SANTANA is a superhuman when it comes to guitar and i won't even say i don't listen to much classical guitar because if Santana is playing i damn sure listen intently. Cream unfortunately are a group i've never been exposed to but i'll throw it on my list. I do tend to stray towards nwobhm/classic metal more than classic rock which may be why i overlooked it.

I think i have found the dream regiment and thank you all for the warm welcomes.
 
Flower Fairy said:
And me, I got down to 7 stone 5 pounds when I taking tramadol, diazepam and my absolute fave Ketamine

When I come off Mirtazapine my wight drops down to 9 stone 4 pounds but I look so much older in the face when I'm thinner, it's such a good appetite stimulant though and it messes up the way your body processes carbs, so that makes you put weight on too, I think it slows down metabolism as well

You might find yourself loosing quite a bit when you come off Mirtazapine, especially because you take dex, that's why you struggle with appetite and sleep, which obviously you must know but thought I'd say incase you don't lol
Click to expand...
Jeez if i lose 5 pounds i'll literally fly away!
 
Good man, Welcome! I lurked for 5 years before joining aswell :) If u stick arund for a while, you'll get to know some pretty nice people :)
 
If you like spiritual dance you should look into trying movement improvisations.

Start out lying on your back in the middle of the floor in an open area (even doing it outside if you're comfortable). Focus your attention first to your breath and then into your body. Feel where the floor touches you. How your body takes up space. The internal sensations. Any external stimuli. Once you feel at peace in this state, focus your attention to any impulses in your body. Do your muscles want to move? Shift your weight ever so slightly and so how it feels. Small, almost imperceptible movements are just fine at this point. Let this explorations of your bodily sensations develop and see what sort of movement arises. What sort of quality does it have? At this point you may want to sit up or even stand up all the way. Continue to explore what your body wants to do, letting it lead the way, not your conscious mind. Explore ideas like weight, space, time, movement qualities, sensations both internal and external, etc. Play around for a while, doing your best to improvise, not plan things out.

I took a class that just did this sort of thing each day and it was life changing. I still use the techniques I learned to help me live a more mindful life (and to make my dancing more organic). And I'll note that I'm not a "dancer" by any means. I have no formal training beyond mosh pits and raves, it's just one of things that brings me the greatest joy in life
 
thegreenhand said:
If you like spiritual dance you should look into trying movement improvisations.

Start out lying on your back in the middle of the floor in an open area (even doing it outside if you're comfortable). Focus your attention first to your breath and then into your body. Feel where the floor touches you. How your body takes up space. The internal sensations. Any external stimuli. Once you feel at peace in this state, focus your attention to any impulses in your body. Do your muscles want to move? Shift your weight ever so slightly and so how it feels. Small, almost imperceptible movements are just fine at this point. Let this explorations of your bodily sensations develop and see what sort of movement arises. What sort of quality does it have? At this point you may want to sit up or even stand up all the way. Continue to explore what your body wants to do, letting it lead the way, not your conscious mind. Explore ideas like weight, space, time, movement qualities, sensations both internal and external, etc. Play around for a while, doing your best to improvise, not plan things out.

I took a class that just did this sort of thing each day and it was life changing. I still use the techniques I learned to help me live a more mindful life (and to make my dancing more organic). And I'll note that I'm not a "dancer" by any means. I have no formal training beyond mosh pits and raves, it's just one of things that brings me the greatest joy in life
Click to expand...

this sounds like a very interesting exercise - i was in another lifetime part of a choreographed urban dance troupe and i've learned so many different styles of dance as well as a couple martial arts - to the extent that i am essentially always improvising on a dance floor. thankfully i end up cutting a rug pretty well but dance is more about how one feels than how those perceiving them feel. i get lost in dance in the right environment and there is no thought process connecting movements just a flow of what feels it comes naturally. I know there are cultures that dance for worship and consider it a spiritual experience. if i wasn't in the middle of a bender with my jaw clenched looking like a freak i might try dancing or looking into dance right now but.... its more a lay on a couch guitar slung over me playing along with the occasional 80s riff looking like i'm bugging out kinda day
 
alarminglynefarious said:
this sounds like a very interesting exercise - i was in another lifetime part of a choreographed urban dance troupe and i've learned so many different styles of dance as well as a couple martial arts - to the extent that i am essentially always improvising on a dance floor. thankfully i end up cutting a rug pretty well but dance is more about how one feels than how those perceiving them feel. i get lost in dance in the right environment and there is no thought process connecting movements just a flow of what feels it comes naturally. I know there are cultures that dance for worship and consider it a spiritual experience. if i wasn't in the middle of a bender with my jaw clenched looking like a freak i might try dancing or looking into dance right now but.... its more a lay on a couch guitar slung over me playing along with the occasional 80s riff looking like i'm bugging out kinda day
Click to expand...
Haha I feel ya lol

That's so dope you have that sort of dance background. What got you into that sort of thing? I definitely can enter that same flow state while dancing as well. It's my favorite feeling on earth. Actually even to the point where I don't like to "taint it" with drugs even though the rest of my life I'm a fiend lol. Dance has certainly been the center of my spiritual life. Religious ecstasies seem to be brought on most easily by dance as opposed to prayer or meditation
 
thegreenhand said:
Haha I feel ya lol

That's so dope you have that sort of dance background. What got you into that sort of thing? I definitely can enter that same flow state while dancing as well. It's my favorite feeling on earth. Actually even to the point where I don't like to "taint it" with drugs even though the rest of my life I'm a fiend lol. Dance has certainly been the center of my spiritual life. Religious ecstasies seem to be brought on most easily by dance as opposed to prayer or meditation
Click to expand...
i literally wanted to be like the cool black kids. it sounds absurd but that's how i got into dancing, i was in a choreographed hip-hop troupe from age 10-14, picked up ballroom styles in my twenties. trust me guys NOTHING gets you laid like being able to dance. my friends have a joke about "if lucky [my nickname] dances with your girl she ain't your girl anymore." i have literally gone to clubs with couples as a third wheel and left with the young woman while her boyfriend obliviously leans against a bar all night. seriously this exact scenario at least twice... well in once case we weren't on the dance floor we were having a smoke after we worked up a sweat dancing - both cases were that of a boyfriend that spends all night slumped in the booth. i remember the incident from the smoke pit best, all it took was "oh look, this cabs got your name on it, lets get out of here." dancing is the vertical expression of horizontal desire. if you can dance well, dress well and speak well you've won most of the battle.
 
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