TDS I've lost myself. (due to amphetamines mostly)

[RobotRipping]

yeah 6 month stim/amphetamine run, 100-400mg/daily plus 10-12mg etizolam and opiate use weekly...

everything was fine then this school year everything hit the fan and my life would never be the same. I've lost everything pretty much. I am voluntarily giving up my precious fucking 120mg/day dextroamphetamine script because it has RUINED my life and myself.

i am absolutely alone. I seriously have no friends, not just a pity party bullshit thing but i really truly have no friends, no family to count on and i have just about completely flunked out of school; my only saving grace.

so here i am 60mg 4-ho-mipt plugged can barely even see cause everything is so wavy. PST brewing. Etiz waiting for me. New script waiting for me and it doesn't fucking help. none of it does. what the fuck do you do when drugs don't even work any more? when 400mg/day is not even CLOSE TO ENOUGH d-AMP to get HIGH WITH!@!!!!! when it's impossible to get enough dilaudid to actually even fucking feel anything from it anyway???? when i can drink a whole bottle of 10mg/ml etizolam and not even black out?!?!

FUCK DRUGS WERE NOT THE ANSWER.

sorry this is more poetic than a cry for help - i know what i am facing. I am staring right at it. Here we go motherfucker it's going to be a hell of a ride without dexedrine.

Everyone told me this, i already knew this but had to see it for myself, my only advice for others, see it through as well, this is life....better than just being a boring ass automaton slave your whole life.

hope any one feels better than i do right now - happy holidays

 

[Maya]

^oh no robot where r u spending your xmas? Do you really not have any family left? How bout cousins? I hope that you learned a valuable lesson here. I used to read your posts in philosophy and spirituality and yhis is a shock to me tbh. A smart young man like you should be able to get passed this. Pick yourself up hun, go back to school find a job too and start a better life.

I know that you don't have friends at the moment but you can worry about that later after you have fixed yourself up and fought addiction.I wish you all the best and merry xmas ♡♡♡

 

[Cuhpcakes]

Robot, do not look at your past as some mistake. You chose to let drugs enter your life, but that's all they did... enter.

This isn't their life, it's yours. Look at these hardships as a test of character, of strength and devotion.

Stop dwelling on such negatve aspects of your actions, there are pleasantries in everything thing we do. Even if it seems invisable, nothing is protected from the illumination that is our happiness.

Whatever you choose to do: continue to experiment with drugs or quit; remember to smile.

 

[Anasket.]

Robot, do not look at your past as some mistake. You chose to let drugs enter your life, but that's all they did... enter.

This isn't their life, it's yours. Look at these hardships as a test of character, of strength and devotion.

Stop dwelling on such negatve aspects of your actions, there are pleasantries in everything thing we do. Even if it seems invisable, nothing is protected from the illumination that is our happiness.

Whatever you choose to do: continue to experiment with drugs or quit; remember to smile.

Strong words of reason right here! Merry Christmas Robot, these two are 100% right. Sounds like you want to quit, take your past and use it to fuel the next chapter of your life. Everyone's rock bottom is different but stay hungry and you'll get through this and accomplish what you seek. Sounds like your smart and hold the desire. BL is here to support you.

Best of luck!

 

[Cuhpcakes]

Strong words of reason right here! Merry Christmas Robot, these two are 100% right. Sounds like you want to quit, take your past and use it to fuel the next chapter of your life. Everyone's rock bottom is different but stay hungry and you'll get through this and accomplish what you seek. Sounds like your smart and hold the desire. BL is here to support you.

Best of luck!

Agreed, we all have our vices. With the assistance of many admirable Bluelighters my mood and perception has gone from dark and black; to serene and bright.

We can't say we've been through what you're experiencing Robot, but we have neen in similiar unpleasant predicaments.

I use to find blissful escape through intoxication. Consuming abnormal amounts of cough medicines and mouthwash to find artificial happiness.

But... that happiness felt wrong. Just so putrid and evil, I was raping my very soul to feel this "sensation."

The only way I found euphoria was through friendship and acceptance.

This world would just LOVE to watch us succumb to its mediocre tricks at obtaining our only true possession, optimism.

But no Robot, we will not reliniquish it that easy... we are too strong.

 

[T. Calderone]

That's the way drugs and drink can be cruel Robot, they start off comforting us and we learn to depend on them to get us through. It happened to me too as tolerance goes up, just used more and combining them. I'd gotten to the point they stopped working but that didn't stop me from trying.

Alienated the people who loved me the most, lost good jobs and wrecked my health. It took years for this demise and some people don't get the chance to turn their lives around, they just die. I'm glad you are realizing that you really don't need the Dexedrine or any other substance for that matter.

Think of how good you will feel going back to school and doing well without needing that crutch. It really didn't help you that much anyway, did it? You will find new friends and we're always here for you too.

 

[RobotRipping]

yeah tolerance sucks i know this all too well; it's not like i haven't been through this over and over enough times not to notice the pattern it just sucks tho.

i keep alienating myself worse and worse; this desire for self-destruction is almost at odds with my instinct to survive and in a way i find it hilarious but scary.

anyway thanks for the kind words and support. I was just angry, still am about having to quit amphetamines because they ruined me. Thought i could keep it together, couldn't and around and around we go again. Is this life for a drug addict?

i don't think i really learned any lessons other than that i shouldn't fuck the system so bad and not expect any fall out in my personal life...figured if i had a Dr backin me then it'd be legit but still i faced the pain.