Do you mean you can't live with yourself anymore? Is it possible to live without yourself? Surely its at least possible to change yourself!
If you feel completely scared, in pain, depressed, and anxious, well then I don't see why anyone would want to continue living that way. I am sure you don't actually want to die, you just want the pain to go away.
So heres what you do. Everyday do one thing that is more towards the light. At first it will hurt, it hurts a hell fucking lot because whatever has grown inside of you can't stand anything close to love.
The process is much like cutting off an infected limb. It hurts like hell, but has to be done.. So everyday you do something positive for yourself, and you do it even with your thoughts and ego or w/e telling you how worthless and undeserving of care you are.
At first you won't even notice a change. Its like ok for 1 second of a whole minute you felt ok... but you still have the rest of the 99 seconds to go, buttt give it a month. Before you know it, youll be on a different course. It takes tremendous effort and perseverance at the start.
Anyone can do it though. Most important thing is to be mindful in the moment. That is... if you actually are tired of suffering...
Picture it like this. You have a very definite form at this moment. It could be anxiety, worry, depression, craving etc.. or it could be happiness, health, love, enjoyment etc...
If you think of both states like a plant it can make things a lot more clear. An anxious worried depressed craving plant is a withered plant. Its one of those dying, not in the sun, not enough water plants. So it aches... Then it cries out JUST FINISH ME!! But the thing is that plants are known to make miraculous recoveries. All the plant needs is water, a green thumb, some sunlight, and some bees to come around and sweeten it up!! Once its back to its pristine perky plant self, it never thinks of death. Why would it, its in the golden state.
I'm guessing your a withered flower at the moment, a state I am all too familiar with. But with mindfulness of my situation and knowledge that my state of being can change, I have pulled myself out of it many many times.
Oh and remember newtons law I think it is. Basically anything travelling in a certain direction wants to continue travelling in that direction until a huge force comes along and changes its direction. So basically unhappy people constantly make themselves more unhappy, and happy people make themselves more happy, with exceptions.. If you have been unhappy for a long time, that doesn't mean that happiness isn't possible, it just means you have been deluded and listening to scary thoughts for a long time. Wake up and fly away....
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
