But what else is new?
I don't know if I made it better by taking some tramadol which I obtained by trading a friend for a can of dog food. The tramadol (which I generally despise) worked pretty well yesterday and Friday but I'm starting to feel the sickness today. Tramadol seems to take away the aches/runny nose/teary eyes/soul-crushing depression but I've got the restless legs and extreme temperature sensitivity as well as extreme insomnia... Oh, and of course the gastro issues.
This lady is a rather good friend and although there is a pretty large age gap, we seem to get each other. She went to my dream college and pretty much has my dream job. She recently suffered a miscarriage and I didn't know what to say or do but give her a hug. We kind of both got into the oxycodone together, after I 'graduated' from Vicodin -- she was getting Percocet 10/325 very cheap from a friend of hers and being quite generous. That was when I was working and only took them on my days off. When I didn't get "withdrawals" nor did I even know what they were. When 20mg of Percocet got me nodding. Ahhh. I think she feels kind of guilty about it but I don't blame my actions on others. She told me the first time she experienced withdrawals she didn't know what they were and just thought she had the flu. Oh, to be that naive again.
Counting down the days until April 1st. Not only because it's Wrestlemania XXVIII but also because my tax refund should be here soon.
I should be conservative with the money but I feel like having a party. %) What will win out in the end? Hmmm!
I've been watching seasons 1-3 of Nurse Jackie to kill time... I really love that show. I love Edie Falco. She was great in The Sopranos but she really shines as a strong, leading woman. Who also has her weaknesses, which include cheating on her husband with the hospital pharmacist (both for the free pills and the no-strings sex, on her end at least) and not exactly playing by the rules. At one point, where her husband and best Doctor friend find out about her addictions and plan an ''intervention'', there's this great scene where she's in the bathroom, looking for a stashed pill and finding nothing, where she says, in a very serious manner, "Hello, my name is Jackie and I'm a drug addict." Then she laughs almost maniacally and ends with, "Blow me." I think we've all been there, where our house of cards has been blown down and yet we don't give a flying fuck. I think they have her on the 160mg blue oblong Oxycontin pills that they don't make anymore. And they have her snort what I believe are Adderall beads... but as for realism it's pretty good.
She's kind of like a less egomaniacal House. Who does better drugs. Although it does the show no justice to compare it to House. They just both happen to be drug-addicted medical professionals who are good at their jobs but not so good at their personal relationships. I think the new season comes back in April as well.
I had a weak moment last Thursday(?) I think, time is a blur, but I cut myself for the first time in years. I tried to get higher and higher to stop the urge to cut myself and became fairly lucid, posted in TDS, but I still cut myself. At least I had the presence of mind to use a new razor. The people in TDS are fantastic people -- it's really quite amazing how folks care so much.
I have therapy tomorrow followed by my psychiatrist appointment. I've been taking way too much Klonopin and I'm almost out so I really have to go to these appointments. I really want to ask for some Xanax because I've been on Klonopin for nearly 5 years now and it's not cutting it. I'm supposed to be on Wellbutrin and Effexor/Cymbalta (whatever the insurance company decides to pay for) but I haven't taken them... I have a closet full of them, in fact... I don't know. I want to talk to my therapist about my drug issues but I'm not ready to give up my facade of holding it together. I constantly smell like marijuana so there is that. I can do the whole "I went out for drinks with friends and got carried away" BS spiel... or I can just tell the truth. Why is the truth so difficult to tell?
I have these little fictions I like to keep up in my little crazy world. Much of them have to do with not letting my little brother know I use drugs. Which I'm probably fooling myself by thinking... who knows.
Anyway, there's never really a point to what I write here but I'll just post it anyway...
I don't know if I made it better by taking some tramadol which I obtained by trading a friend for a can of dog food. The tramadol (which I generally despise) worked pretty well yesterday and Friday but I'm starting to feel the sickness today. Tramadol seems to take away the aches/runny nose/teary eyes/soul-crushing depression but I've got the restless legs and extreme temperature sensitivity as well as extreme insomnia... Oh, and of course the gastro issues.
This lady is a rather good friend and although there is a pretty large age gap, we seem to get each other. She went to my dream college and pretty much has my dream job. She recently suffered a miscarriage and I didn't know what to say or do but give her a hug. We kind of both got into the oxycodone together, after I 'graduated' from Vicodin -- she was getting Percocet 10/325 very cheap from a friend of hers and being quite generous. That was when I was working and only took them on my days off. When I didn't get "withdrawals" nor did I even know what they were. When 20mg of Percocet got me nodding. Ahhh. I think she feels kind of guilty about it but I don't blame my actions on others. She told me the first time she experienced withdrawals she didn't know what they were and just thought she had the flu. Oh, to be that naive again.
Counting down the days until April 1st. Not only because it's Wrestlemania XXVIII but also because my tax refund should be here soon.
I should be conservative with the money but I feel like having a party. %) What will win out in the end? Hmmm!
I've been watching seasons 1-3 of Nurse Jackie to kill time... I really love that show. I love Edie Falco. She was great in The Sopranos but she really shines as a strong, leading woman. Who also has her weaknesses, which include cheating on her husband with the hospital pharmacist (both for the free pills and the no-strings sex, on her end at least) and not exactly playing by the rules. At one point, where her husband and best Doctor friend find out about her addictions and plan an ''intervention'', there's this great scene where she's in the bathroom, looking for a stashed pill and finding nothing, where she says, in a very serious manner, "Hello, my name is Jackie and I'm a drug addict." Then she laughs almost maniacally and ends with, "Blow me." I think we've all been there, where our house of cards has been blown down and yet we don't give a flying fuck. I think they have her on the 160mg blue oblong Oxycontin pills that they don't make anymore. And they have her snort what I believe are Adderall beads... but as for realism it's pretty good.
She's kind of like a less egomaniacal House. Who does better drugs. Although it does the show no justice to compare it to House. They just both happen to be drug-addicted medical professionals who are good at their jobs but not so good at their personal relationships. I think the new season comes back in April as well.
I had a weak moment last Thursday(?) I think, time is a blur, but I cut myself for the first time in years. I tried to get higher and higher to stop the urge to cut myself and became fairly lucid, posted in TDS, but I still cut myself. At least I had the presence of mind to use a new razor. The people in TDS are fantastic people -- it's really quite amazing how folks care so much.
I have therapy tomorrow followed by my psychiatrist appointment. I've been taking way too much Klonopin and I'm almost out so I really have to go to these appointments. I really want to ask for some Xanax because I've been on Klonopin for nearly 5 years now and it's not cutting it. I'm supposed to be on Wellbutrin and Effexor/Cymbalta (whatever the insurance company decides to pay for) but I haven't taken them... I have a closet full of them, in fact... I don't know. I want to talk to my therapist about my drug issues but I'm not ready to give up my facade of holding it together. I constantly smell like marijuana so there is that. I can do the whole "I went out for drinks with friends and got carried away" BS spiel... or I can just tell the truth. Why is the truth so difficult to tell?
I have these little fictions I like to keep up in my little crazy world. Much of them have to do with not letting my little brother know I use drugs. Which I'm probably fooling myself by thinking... who knows.
Anyway, there's never really a point to what I write here but I'll just post it anyway...
