Social Its the small things in life.

[SiriuslyLost]

So I just wanted to post and share about how my life rn is going and my fears. Hopefully it may help at least one person convince theirselves to not give up. If theirs a few spots that feel like somethings missing its because this was originally my replies in a post.

You only ever need just one small reason to keep going.


I've had a wonderful few weeks with my children. Even if mentally and emotionally I'm in the worst shape I've ever been in. I will always love my babies and they make me smile. I have no one but my 4 children that I can realistically be around for any form of emotional or mental comfort. Lost the mother to 2 of my kids because of the fact we fell out of love, the mother to my first kid killed herself 2 months ago.. and the mother to my other kiddo i just lost because she went back to her ex. Ah life is fun. But my babies? They never fail to bring a smile to my face no matter what I'll always love them and try to do my best by them. It's just a part of my life (that's all happened in less than 4 months btw) when me and the one that we lost the love we had split up I finally ended up getting with a girl I was in love with for 6 years who had always told me she loved me but was too hung up on an ex be with me. Her son had bad abandonment issues due to his real father so when I got with her I immediately stepped up and treated him like he was one of mine. Than she got jealous over a truly innocent thing and started messaging her ex over it. So we split up because I can't mentally or emotionally play games like that anymore. She moved out but her son is near living here because he doesn't want to go with her most the time because he has grown attached to me. (Makes me sad anytime he doesn't wanna leave with her ) so in 4 months 1 daughter had a mom kill herself over a breakup with some guy. I gained a new son who's 4 years old that I absolutely love to death now, my other daughter and son had their whole family dynamic tore apart and their mommy now rarely has them more than 2 or 3 days before they end up back with me for 2 or 3 weeks. I'm trying to keep my chin up and keep moving forward and i am managing to stay working and making sure my kids are all happy and well taken care of but mentally and emotionally every single day is an absolute battle. I realistically knew it probably was going to go the way it did with her and her ex but I figured I'd never know if I didn't try. But knowing I'm alone with 4 kids pretty much steadily has helped me not break down due to my fear of being alone. But having absolutely no one i can talk to that I trust and can lean on for emotional and mental support rn makes nights when the kiddos are laid down real rough... just me and my thoughts. Especially since I'm not dwelling on any specific issue is more the fact I've got mental health problems that make me see and hear and think things that I know aren't real or true(BPD, Paranoid Schizophrenic, and Autophobia all cause me to have to sort out real world and fake world constantly ) But they still take their toll when it's only them around... (sorry if this is disjointed I only let myself use occasionally when I need that mental and emotional disconnect and I don't ever do more than a small bump or line a day when I do. By this time in the day I'm crashing out pretty bad ). Realistically my youngest son is my anchor he's the only one that j was there during the whole pregnancy and during labor (2 step 2 blood) so he has helped me keep my feet firmly on the ground and make sure I focus on our little family. Rn he is 1 so is still a whole full time job alone especially when he decides he has to wiggle down and try to climb everything. I needed to just post or yell someone about what I'm going thru rn and where better than here on bluelight surrounded by those who I know will atleast partially get it. I know it'll get better and that it won't be like this forever but this is the first time in like 8 years i've really truly been in a situation where I've had no one to help me stay standing strong and who holds me when I can't be ya know? It's a very scary thing when I know I have a lot of mental health issues and 4 people who absolutely love and need me. I am so afraid of disappointing my kids and not being able to give them everything they want and need. I want them tk grow up better than I did and it's a hard battle when u spent 4 years on drugs heavily, in and ought jail, didn't finish high-school, got a dui so can't get my license back till I jump thru 100 expensive hoops. I'll never stop taking one step at a time. But the emotional and mental impact of any setback is hard to handle alone. Buy ill do my best and eventually get through this and hopefully it leads to a better future. Probably never gonna be a fully sober future but I can safely say my usage is about as safe as it gets with the fact my doc is meth . I make sure it absolutely never affects anything in my life now.



Sometimes the little things in life are what give you purpose and I have 4 little kids in my life that have kept me on a good path that doesn't lead to me messing it all up.

 

[SiriuslyLost]

If anyone has a story they'd like to be able to just tell someone about reply with it. I'd be happy to read them that way you know you're not fully alone

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Hey @SiriuslyLost, I'm trying to piece together several posts you've made recently. So far I've gathered that in addition to the tragic loss of you ex and raising 4 kiddos, you also are showing symptoms of some serious mental illness. I noticed you posted the other day that you are searching for a psychologist for proper diagnoses.

I think you are on the right track by seeking some official diagnoses. In the interest of Harm Reduction, I really have to say that I would try to give up the meth as it can really exacerbate some of these intrusive thoughts. I know you don't use much per se but I don't know if there probably is any amount that is healthy for someone experiencing delusions and altered perceptions of reality if you are indeed hearing voices and imagining things you know are not real.

In fact, in addition to finding a psychologist to help with your diagnosis, I would not wait to find a therapist to talk with. You don't necessarily need a diagnosis to need or obtain a therapist. I know that others tend to frown upon this around here but after you get diagnosed, I think finding a psychiatrist would also be a good idea to start some psych medications.

To give you some context of where I'm coming from, I have schizo-affective disorder and bipolar. I've been seeing therapists and psychiatrists with being on meds for nearly 20 years now. The big thing is quality of life. Talk therapy coupled with medication can really help stabilize a lot of us. The meds don't have to be long term, even for short term to nip things in the bud can be very helpful.... all things to talk to about with a psychiatrist.

Much love my friend

 

[SiriuslyLost]

Hey @SiriuslyLost, I'm trying to piece together several posts you've made recently. So far I've gathered that in addition to the tragic loss of you ex and raising 4 kiddos, you also are showing symptoms of some serious mental illness. I noticed you posted the other day that you are searching for a psychologist for proper diagnoses.

I think you are on the right track by seeking some official diagnoses. In the interest of Harm Reduction, I really have to say that I would try to give up the meth as it can really exacerbate some of these intrusive thoughts. I know you don't use much per se but I don't know if there probably is any amount that is healthy for someone experiencing delusions and altered perceptions of reality if you are indeed hearing voices and imagining things you know are not real.

In fact, in addition to finding a psychologist to help with your diagnosis, I would not wait to find a therapist to talk with. You don't necessarily need a diagnosis to need or obtain a therapist. I know that others tend to frown upon this around here but after you get diagnosed, I think finding a psychiatrist would also be a good idea to start some psych medications.

To give you some context of where I'm coming from, I have schizo-affective disorder and bipolar. I've been seeing therapists and psychiatrists with being on meds for nearly 20 years now. The big thing is quality of life. Talk therapy coupled with medication can really help stabilize a lot of us. The meds don't have to be long term, even for short term to nip things in the bud can be very helpful.... all things to talk to about with a psychiatrist.

Much love my friend

Yep much love to you to my friend. And yeah the stuff I've gone thru recently kind of made me decide hey with all this having gone on and going on I may really need to go get some physiological help to avoid the risk of it causing my issues to get worse. I'm sober today actually . Like I said I don't use to much and if I am having any mental issues heavily going on I don't use at all. Like theirs pretty much always passive shit going on but usually I never let it get to me. If it does start to get to me tho I either don't use or stop using until i am back to my version of feeling normal.

Edit : I also agree tho I'm sure usage even what I do absolutely doesn't make any of my issues better but it hadn't ever done much to harm them either. It does slightly make me a little more aware of them tho