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It's lonely.

SciCo

SciCo

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
63
Location
NJ
If you're not an addict you can't relate. The people you get high with come and go. Mostly go. And then you're left alone, with "normal" people who look at you like they get there's something not quite right but they don't exactly grasp it, so they remain distantly uneasy while trying to maintain an air of "I'm pretending there is nothing wrong with you". But you know they know there is a wall between you and "them". The wall of addiction. They are "ok" and you are not.

I've lost sober friends because of my addiction. Relationships formed while active in the disease of addiction are notoriously unstable and fleeting. I put all my eggs in one basket of drugs. That basket is empty now, and so am I. I've done a lot in the past 6 months to drive a wedge between myself and people I used to be able to rely on. Not intentionally, just because it's a by-product of using. The people I used with are gone, and my true friends are understandably uneasy and unsure of me. So they remain - at a distance.....

I'm dealing with the consequences of my actions. I don't blame anyone but myself. Only I can fix this. But right now, for tonight, I'm just sad, and feeling so disconnected. And all I want to do is what I did that put me in this situation to begin with.

This post may not even make sense. But BL has been a refuge for me so I'm sitting here writing, hoping maybe a word or two will resonate with someone else. And someone will get it. And I can feel just a tiny bit less....like the only person in the world. Even if just for a moment.
 
What you're saying makes sense to me. Your drug use has created a void between you and those who are what we consider "normal". The people you get high with aren't always your friends, and as you experienced unfortunately not many of them were. I'm glad that you're able to feel comfortable on here, but unfortunately this void between your real life relationships will continue to exist until you are clean. Drugs often make people seclusive. When you decide to make that choice is solely up to you, but these are the unfortunate effects of addiction. If you want, feel free to message me your MSN and I'll talk to you, I like meeting new people and I could help make you feel a little less lonely.
 
I can only be proud of you for knowing where to come and for caring enough to reach out to us.


SciCo said:
I'm dealing with the consequences of my actions. I don't blame anyone but myself. Only I can fix this. But right now, for tonight, I'm just sad, and feeling so disconnected. And all I want to do is what I did that put me in this situation to begin with.

This post may not even make sense. But BL has been a refuge for me so I'm sitting here writing, hoping maybe a word or two will resonate with someone else. And someone will get it. And I can feel just a tiny bit less....like the only person in the world. Even if just for a moment.
Click to expand...

I hope this is enough motivation for you to take the only proper step towards the right direction.
It doesn't matter how specific the plan is, you gotta want to save your life from a well of monotonous misery that, after long enough, grinds down our emotional abilities and virtually turn is into zombie fiends.
But this is enough evidence to show you that it is not too late.
To care enough to raise your hand forth in hopes for a healing hand to grasp it makes it painfully obvious that there is still a glimmer inside you.
Enlightening the mind and soul that sees the world, in turn, enlightens that very world.
And believe me, my friend, the world is actually sweet to those who can taste it.
 
I feel like it's even lonelier getting sober, because you've distanced yourself through your drug use and don't have even the drug to rely on.
 
yes i been on suboxone for 3.5 years ook and i lost dam near all my friends.....................i guess they were not friends only reason i keep on living is cause of my daughter ,girlfriend and my mom f*** all the fake junkie friends they aint shit.So i feel ur pain get a hobby keep busy 1 thing i noticed (junkies very very very sparingly change there train of thoughts) so its always gonna be shietzy,greedy dicks who only stop by when u need shit u know who u are!..............................to the op also i wanna do right for my daughter so i wont take her to a junkies house lol no way esssayyy but bein lonely sucks my ex wife left me and i was honestly sick i would do it to other girls and see her face say her name (ruined many moments) but heyyy shes back in my life but lonelyness sucks assss! think happy like listen to joe budden ordinary love real touchin song stay up message me if u need to talk to some one later!
.
 
You are a good dad. That takes incredible strength (heart and mind) even when everything is going well, no monkey on your back, etc. Loneliness is so hard. I hope you are feeling better. Music is good!
 
I get lonely in recovery too. Maybe that's why I finally started posting on BL after just lurking for so long. I never came to TDS for fear that I would read something that might encourage me to be honest with myself. Even when I go to NA meetings I feel lonely sometimes. Everyone is friendly but I am out of my element and everything is NEW. Things are getting better and I don't fall asleep fearing that I won't wake up. That's something.
 
Knox Harrington said:
...I am out of my element and everything is NEW...
Click to expand...

I feel awkward and out of my element as well when exposed to things that are new, especially social situations. Nothing ever stays new, though. I've learned that consistant repetition to the areas and situations that are awkward due to their unfamiliarity and 'newness' have helped lessen that feeling of being 'out of my element'.

They say that skilled carpenters aren't born with their skills. Like everything else, it takes time, practice and some mistakes to get better at those things that are completely foreign to us now.
 
well said, OD.

not long ago i would be on the verge of having a panic attack just by entering somewhere i wasn't used to being, the gym for instance. i always thought people were looking at me and worried incessantly about not making myself look bad by doing something stupid like falling on a treadmill. since my license is suspended i always have to get a ride to wherever i go so i worried about people seeing me being dropped off by my mom or dad. everything about it was embarrassing for me and triggered shame.

i'm not sure if it's because i'm more mentally stable today than i was then, at least i am on most days, or if it is in fact simple repetition. probably a combination of the two. for me learning to live with the shame has been critical in my recovery. it hasn't been easy i will admit.
 
Badfish, I PM'd you my MSN name. Thanks for reaching out. Working on the getting clean part....started outpatient and plan on going back to meetings. I want to get clean but I'm scared. Last night I admitted to my mom I had a drug problem. That was scary as anything but she said she knew, she accepted, and would do anything to help me get clean.
 
HeWhoHowls said:
I can only be proud of you for knowing where to come and for caring enough to reach out to us.




I hope this is enough motivation for you to take the only proper step towards the right direction.
It doesn't matter how specific the plan is, you gotta want to save your life from a well of monotonous misery that, after long enough, grinds down our emotional abilities and virtually turn is into zombie fiends.
But this is enough evidence to show you that it is not too late.
To care enough to raise your hand forth in hopes for a healing hand to grasp it makes it painfully obvious that there is still a glimmer inside you.
Enlightening the mind and soul that sees the world, in turn, enlightens that very world.
And believe me, my friend, the world is actually sweet to those who can taste it.
Click to expand...

It's I guess a good way of looking at it. As hopeless and downtrodden as I feel tonight I haven't quite given up - still some part of me is fighting, reaching out. It;s weird how reaching out to strangers is the easiest and sometimes most comforting option. I am glad I posted this thread, and like usual BL didn't let me down. I've been here a short time but I still cannot believe the kindness I continually witness here. Just reading this thread, my spirits have picked up. Been a over a month but I think I'm actually going to attend a meeting tomorrow.....
 
Knox Harrington said:
I get lonely in recovery too. Maybe that's why I finally started posting on BL after just lurking for so long. I never came to TDS for fear that I would read something that might encourage me to be honest with myself. Even when I go to NA meetings I feel lonely sometimes. Everyone is friendly but I am out of my element and everything is NEW. Things are getting better and I don't fall asleep fearing that I won't wake up. That's something.
Click to expand...

I hear this.....it's scary being honest with yourself. I started just writing here and taking the smallest step. Even admitting one, tiny thing, the easiest honest thing you can muster to admit to yourself and say out loud (or share on BL), is a huge step in the right direction..............
 
SciCo said:
Badfish, I PM'd you my MSN name. Thanks for reaching out. Working on the getting clean part....started outpatient and plan on going back to meetings. I want to get clean but I'm scared. Last night I admitted to my mom I had a drug problem. That was scary as anything but she said she knew, she accepted, and would do anything to help me get clean.
Click to expand...

Anytime :) I'll be on messenger for a while so just feel free to chat me up anytime.
 
SciCo said:
This post may not even make sense. But BL has been a refuge for me so I'm sitting here writing, hoping maybe a word or two will resonate with someone else. And someone will get it. And I can feel just a tiny bit less....like the only person in the world. Even if just for a moment.
Click to expand...

Buddhism says that when we get pushed to an edge-- the ultimate edge of pain or of fear or shame--we have a choice. We can either harden ourselves or soften. When we soften we open to the world, to the pain and fear of others, to our own courage.

You came to the edge and you softened. You have my admiration and awe.<3
 
herbavore said:
Buddhism says that when we get pushed to an edge-- the ultimate edge of pain or of fear or shame--we have a choice. We can either harden ourselves or soften. When we soften we open to the world, to the pain and fear of others, to our own courage.

You came to the edge and you softened. You have my admiration and awe.<3
Click to expand...

Beautiful words.

This is why I come to this forum.........
 
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