ButrosButros_Grantos
Bluelighter
When asked afterwards if I was okay, my reply was “it’s just fucked up.” Perhaps not the most eloquent response, but it was the most truthful.
‘What can change the nature of a man?’
‘Nothing…’
‘Do you truly believe that?’
‘No…’
‘Sorry for the way he’s acting, I know you don’t need his attitude.’
‘Thanks,’ said the nurse. ‘It’s not unusual for them to act that way. Some are even less reasonable.’
I sighed. ‘Well thanks for looking after him. I mean it.’
‘You want to thank me? Make sure he doesn’t end up in the same situation. Try to make him take a look at his life.’
‘I’ll try.’
‘Do more than try; otherwise we’ll end up seeing him again.’
‘So, what can change the nature of a man?’
‘I don’t know; friendship?’
‘Explain…’
They didn’t come to the hospital. They said it was too hard to deal with. They said that he’d be okay, so why bother? Why bother… How fucked.
Afterwards they turned their backs to him and refused to deal with reality. Or worse, some turned on him. Angry that he should make them suffer, make them care. They had no right. It could have just as easily been any one of us, and they knew that. And it scared them.
‘So what can change the nature of a man?’
‘Three hours.’
‘That is not a substantial amount of time, explain.’
‘No.’
‘Why?’
‘Because, those three hours are mine. My burden, understand? It was my decision to go, just as all others decided not to .There was no-one to share the burden. And now I won’t.’
It was freezing. He had on my jumper, but he needed it more so I was not going to ask for it back. His shirt was in his hand, it was new, but the places where the paramedics had cut it from him screamed otherwise.
‘Hey man, do you have any ciggies?’ He asked.
‘Yeah; here.’ The nurses had said stimulants were fine, well legal ones anyway. We sat down and smoked waiting for a friend to come and take us back to my car.
‘Thanks for this,’ he said. ‘It means a lot.’
‘No worries,’ I replied. But he was right, it did mean a lot.
‘Is that the answer then?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘If you don’t know, then it’s not. What can change the nature of a man?’
‘Himself?’
Later that week I got the chance to try to tell him what I went through but I couldn’t. I guess something’s are too hard to be said, like ‘---.’ It didn’t really matter anyway; he decided that the others were right. The others that weren’t there; the others that had no idea how to deal with it.
That’s fucked up.
He said that it wasn’t so bad; after all he didn’t have to deal with it. And he was right, everything that happened, he had no idea.
‘What can change the nature of a man?’
‘Hope.’
‘Explain.’
‘No, it occurred within the three hour period.’
‘So, anything that you can try and explain.’
‘Love.’
Before it happened I was having a great deal of fun. Then my phone rang, and the crowd that was dancing with me, now conspired to keep me away from the exit. I pushed through and did not care about anyone, except for the person outside. When got out, I ran, and there he was, lying unconscious.
Machines attached to him.
Paramedics surrounding him.
The crowd drawn by him.
His friends, worried for him.
I remember holding my hands over my mouth. I can’t remember what I was holding back. His ex-girlfriend paced, she was upset, nearly in tears, his and her mutual friends gave her comfort.
Later she would yell at him.
Later those friends would not be there for him.
Everyone was concerned; we hugged and relied upon one another’s strength. The stretcher came.
‘What can change the nature of a man?’
‘Choice.’
The stretcher came, and we all were asked who would go with him in the ambulance. I waited, looking at his ex, waiting to see if she would say something.
‘I’ll go.’ I ended up saying, as no-one there seemed they wanted to, as no-one had spoken.
‘Are you sure?’ Some asked.
‘Yes,’ I replied, and I saw nothing but relief in their eyes.
‘-Don’t interrupt, I haven’t finished yet’
When it was all over, when I was by myself, that’s when I finally broke. I cried for what might have happened, what did happen. It seemed like it wouldn’t stop, but when it did I knew that everything was different, that things couldn’t be the same anymore.
‘So, having told me all that, what can change the nature of a man?’
‘Three hours, hope, and a choice.’
‘Explain.’
‘Why? I just gave you my answer.’
‘Explain the answer.’
‘I don’t need to.’
‘Why?’
‘Because it’s mine.’
‘What can change the nature of a man?’
‘Nothing…’
‘Do you truly believe that?’
‘No…’
‘Sorry for the way he’s acting, I know you don’t need his attitude.’
‘Thanks,’ said the nurse. ‘It’s not unusual for them to act that way. Some are even less reasonable.’
I sighed. ‘Well thanks for looking after him. I mean it.’
‘You want to thank me? Make sure he doesn’t end up in the same situation. Try to make him take a look at his life.’
‘I’ll try.’
‘Do more than try; otherwise we’ll end up seeing him again.’
‘So, what can change the nature of a man?’
‘I don’t know; friendship?’
‘Explain…’
They didn’t come to the hospital. They said it was too hard to deal with. They said that he’d be okay, so why bother? Why bother… How fucked.
Afterwards they turned their backs to him and refused to deal with reality. Or worse, some turned on him. Angry that he should make them suffer, make them care. They had no right. It could have just as easily been any one of us, and they knew that. And it scared them.
‘So what can change the nature of a man?’
‘Three hours.’
‘That is not a substantial amount of time, explain.’
‘No.’
‘Why?’
‘Because, those three hours are mine. My burden, understand? It was my decision to go, just as all others decided not to .There was no-one to share the burden. And now I won’t.’
It was freezing. He had on my jumper, but he needed it more so I was not going to ask for it back. His shirt was in his hand, it was new, but the places where the paramedics had cut it from him screamed otherwise.
‘Hey man, do you have any ciggies?’ He asked.
‘Yeah; here.’ The nurses had said stimulants were fine, well legal ones anyway. We sat down and smoked waiting for a friend to come and take us back to my car.
‘Thanks for this,’ he said. ‘It means a lot.’
‘No worries,’ I replied. But he was right, it did mean a lot.
‘Is that the answer then?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘If you don’t know, then it’s not. What can change the nature of a man?’
‘Himself?’
Later that week I got the chance to try to tell him what I went through but I couldn’t. I guess something’s are too hard to be said, like ‘---.’ It didn’t really matter anyway; he decided that the others were right. The others that weren’t there; the others that had no idea how to deal with it.
That’s fucked up.
He said that it wasn’t so bad; after all he didn’t have to deal with it. And he was right, everything that happened, he had no idea.
‘What can change the nature of a man?’
‘Hope.’
‘Explain.’
‘No, it occurred within the three hour period.’
‘So, anything that you can try and explain.’
‘Love.’
Before it happened I was having a great deal of fun. Then my phone rang, and the crowd that was dancing with me, now conspired to keep me away from the exit. I pushed through and did not care about anyone, except for the person outside. When got out, I ran, and there he was, lying unconscious.
Machines attached to him.
Paramedics surrounding him.
The crowd drawn by him.
His friends, worried for him.
I remember holding my hands over my mouth. I can’t remember what I was holding back. His ex-girlfriend paced, she was upset, nearly in tears, his and her mutual friends gave her comfort.
Later she would yell at him.
Later those friends would not be there for him.
Everyone was concerned; we hugged and relied upon one another’s strength. The stretcher came.
‘What can change the nature of a man?’
‘Choice.’
The stretcher came, and we all were asked who would go with him in the ambulance. I waited, looking at his ex, waiting to see if she would say something.
‘I’ll go.’ I ended up saying, as no-one there seemed they wanted to, as no-one had spoken.
‘Are you sure?’ Some asked.
‘Yes,’ I replied, and I saw nothing but relief in their eyes.
‘-Don’t interrupt, I haven’t finished yet’
When it was all over, when I was by myself, that’s when I finally broke. I cried for what might have happened, what did happen. It seemed like it wouldn’t stop, but when it did I knew that everything was different, that things couldn’t be the same anymore.
‘So, having told me all that, what can change the nature of a man?’
‘Three hours, hope, and a choice.’
‘Explain.’
‘Why? I just gave you my answer.’
‘Explain the answer.’
‘I don’t need to.’
‘Why?’
‘Because it’s mine.’
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